My Trek Of The Stars, Part 7: Charlie X

Guest Starring: Robert Walker, Charles J. Stewart, Dallas Mitchell, Don Eitner, Patricia McNulty, John Bellah

First, the Lowdown: The Enterprise is visited by a sullen teenager and his godlike powers.

So the Enterprise has met up with the Antares, in order to escort a passenger – a greasy, spotty teenager by the name of Charlie Evans. It seems Charlie is the sole survivor from the colony on Thasus, and has spent the last 14 years living alone – with only data-tapes to learn from. (It’s a good thing the colonists had a large library of Spongebob Squarepants and Blue’s Clues.) Captain Ramart, of the Antares, and his navigator first sing their praises about how much they love the precocious little teen, but after transferring Charlie to the Enterprise make it clear that they want to leave as soon as they can. Kirk has Yeoman Rand escort Charlie to sickbay for an examination – and Charlie awkwardly follows her, trying to hide the boner in his pants.

In sickbay, Dr. McCoy verifies Charlie’s health, and notes that the colony’s supply of food wouldn’t have lasted 14 years. Charlie claims he just found things to eat after the food ran out (I guess you learn which berries not to eat after the first few tries.) After the examination, Charlie asks McCoy if he likes him – because the crew of the Antares didn’t seem to like him at all. (Aw, who wouldn’t like a greasy, little sociopath like him?) McCoy just dismisses it to an adolescent need for acceptance, totally ignoring the kind of emotional trauma living alone for 14 years would have on a child (they should consider themselves lucky that Charlie isn’t speaking in grunts and throwing his poo at them.)

Charlie wanders the decks of the Enterprise, as giddy as a WoW geek at his first ComiCon. He runs into Yeoman Rand again and manifests a bottle of perfume for her as a gift. Rand appreciates it, but Charlie’s overeagerness to please her it kinda off-putting. (Here’s a hint, gents, women don’t like guys who hover.)

On the bridge, McCoy and Spock are debating over whether or not intelligent life exists on the planet Thasus. Spock argues that since the food supplies would have run out in about a year AND there were no magic Cheetos bushes or streams of Kool-Aid, something must have helped Charlie to survive – whether it be the legendary “Thasians” or magic unicorns with magic in their horns and dreams in their manes. One thing McCoy and Spock do agree on is that Charlie needs a paternal figure to help steward him until they can transfer him to a nearby colony, and the one they think is the most suitable is Kirk. (Which is kinda like having your kid babysat by your brother the swinging bachelor – do you really want to him explaining what a “dirty Sanchez” is to your child?)

Meanwhile, in the Recreation Room, things are going pleasantly until Charlie shows up and sucks the music out of the room. (No really, he shows up and the music stops.) But to impress Rand, Charlie performs a few card tricks (looking as annoyingly punchable as David Copperfield while he does so.)

In the galley, Kirk tells the ship’s cook to sculpt the synthetic meatloaf into a turkey-like shape, that way the crew will somehow be less depressed that Thanksgiving is happening on earth while their stuck in the soulless void on a doomed spaceship. Charlie arrives and has another awkward conversation – seems earlier he smacked Yeoman Rand on the ass in parting. Kirk tries to explain to the teen that proper etiquette usually calls for dinner and a movie first, but is summoned to the bridge by a call from the Antares.

When Kirk arrives on the bridge to talk with the Antares, the transmission suddenly cuts out. Charlie mentions something about the Antares being poorly constructed, but before Kirk can ask him what the hell he’s talking about Spock reports that the Antares is destroyed. To make matters even more confusing, the ship’s cook calls to the bridge to report that he put Tofurky in the ovens for the ships meal, and real turkey has come out.

Back in the rec room, Kirk and Spock are enjoying a nice round of 3-D chess (because, it’s the future and all), but Kirk seems distracted by the loss of the Antares. Spock is more concerned with the fact that Charlie seemed to know what happened to the ship before anyone else did. Right on cue, Charlie shows up and Kirk invites him to a game against Spock. Charlie, being an impatient little cuss, is quickly schooled by the Vulcan chessmaster, who quickly departs before Charlie can dash the board against the wall. Alone, Charlie gives the chess set a STARE OF DOOM and suddenly the chess pieces are melted.

Later in the corridor, Charlie runs into Rand and junior grade Yeoman Lawton. Rand thought it would be nice for Charlie to interact with someone around his own age, but the stubborn adolescent snubs the young girl like she was made of ticks or something. Rand reprimands Charlie for being a inconsiderate asshat, which is when the spotty teen breaks into romantic platitude that is both sweet and stalker-riffic.

Yeoman Rand tries explaining to Kirk that if something isn’t done soon about Charlie’s crush on her, she’s gonna have to hurt him. (Probably by macing him in the hallway and making fun of his lack of hygiene in front of a bunch of people.) Kirk has a talk with the kid, and instead of realizing that his actions toward Rand are more than a little creepy, the adolescent gets all sullen and starts cutting on himself.

To help Charlie find a release for his teenage angst, Kirk takes him to the ship’s gymnasium for a little self-defense instruction, but the standard issue tights start making the kid self-conscious. During a practice sparring round, Kirk tosses Charlie to the floor like an unwanted child, much to the amusement of another crewman. Charlie doesn’t like being laughed at, however, and gives the man a STARE OF DOOM – and the man disappears. Kirk, realizing that he is in the presence of another godlike douchebag, summons security to escort Charlie to his quarters. Charlie refuses to be touched, however, and gives the security his STARE OF DOOM – making their phasers disappear. Kirk, however, refuses to be backtalked by some upstart kid (even if he is a godlike douchebag) and tells Charlie to go to his room or else he won’t be allowed to play World of Warcraft for a week. Uhura then reports to him that ALL of the phasers on the ship have somehow disappeared.

Kirk calls for a conference with McCoy and Spock. According to the ship’s records, the Thasians of legend had the ability to transmute matter with their minds, but says nothing of them being douchebags. Kirk deduces that because Charlie has been living alone on a planet with only comic books and sugared cereals to educate him, the acne-ridden teenager doesn’t have the sense of right and wrong that was pummeled into every other child his age by now. Again on cue, Charlie shows up and confesses that he made a vital part of the Antares’s engine disappear, causing it to blow up and stuff. Even more off-putting is the realization that godlike power is in the hands of someone as moody and random as a hormone-fueled juvenile. (Think about what you were like as a sophomore – puberty is like being on crystal meth, only without the clarity of thought.)

Back on the bridge, Kirk orders the ship to be directed away from Colony V – but the subspace transmitter shorts itself out and the helm won’t respond. Obviously they are being manipulated by something, and right on cue our resident delinquent Charlie shows up and demonstrates his power by forcing Spock to spout poetry in a herniated tone. Kirk, growing tired of the juvenile hijinx of a maladjusted teen orders Charlie off the bridge.

Charlie stalks down the corridors to Yeoman Rand’s quarters and forces his way in. More weird platitudes ensue and Rand signals the bridge for help. Kirk and Spock arrive just in time for Charlie to give them his STARE OF DOOM – which flings them against the wall in pain. Rand isn’t impressed with this display of power (most women prefer poetry) and slaps the antisocial brat across his scabrous face. Charlie, like most Asperger’s suffers, doesn’t like being contradicted and gives her the STARE OF DOOM – disappearing the poor yeoman into the ether.

Kirk, in a desperate attempt to reign Charlie in before he starts smoking, lures the kid into a holding cell. But I guess he forgot about Charlie’s STARE OF DOOM, which makes short work of the cell’s force field.

Now really pissed because of the stoopid grown-ups acting like they’re the king of everything, Charlie stomps his way through the Enterprise, lashing out at everything he sees. (In psychiatry, they call this type of behavior age-regression, which is fairly common for adolescents just entering adulthood – only the tend to not melt people’s faces off when they do so.)

On the bridge, Kirk hypothesizes that because Charlie has been expending so much of his talent in order to keep the Enterprise on course, he doesn’t have the strength to whoosh anyone away. Right on cue, Charlie enters, sullen and defiant as usual. Tired of the shenanigans of the little twerp, Kirk orders Spock and McCoy to turn on all of the ship’s controls, distracting the kid. Suddenly a transmission comes in and Yeoman Rand un-disappears herself on the Bridge. The transmission is from the legendary Thasians who have come to collect Charlie like the delinquent little punk he is. Charlie, not wanting to return back to a monastic life with a group of benevolent gaseous anomalies, begs to stay – even promises to do his chores and his homework – but no, he gets disappeared with the Thasians, where no doubt he is sullenly raking trails in a stone garden.

Things to look out for:

Charlie’s STARE OF DOOM: Whenever his power manifests, he looks like a introvert that’s internalizing his anger.

Charlie’s idea of romance: Like a lot of nerds, Charlie’s idea of flirting is to say something borderline offensive in the most uncomfortable manner possible. It’s a good thing he didn’t stay any longer or else he might of started reading some of his fan-fiction to Yeoman Rand.

What is McCoy not today? Schooled in child psychology – he keeps delegating parental authority to Kirk, because he’d make the “cooler dad”.

Project A (1983)

(Originally released as ‘A’ Gai Wak)

Starring: Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, Biao Yuen, Dick Wei, Mars, Isabella Wong, Po Tai, Wu Long Cheung

First, the Lowdown: Jackie Chan is a sailor in the wackiest ship in the Navy.

Hong Kong at the turn of the century is plagued by pirates and thieves. The two major security forces, the Police and the Navy, have been at odds with each other. It seems that only the Police are adept at rooting out crime on the land, whereas the Navy seems only good at losing ships to pirates. Dragon and his fellow sailors hope to change that – much to the ire of the Police squad, who have had more funds diverted from their budget to the Navy. After a bar brawl starts between the rival factions. The Admiral of the Navy is about to launch their new plan to capture the pirates that have been terrorizing their ships when the Navy’s vessels explode while birthed in the harbor. Obviously sabotage is afoot, but before anything can be done, the governor orders the Navy to be seconded to the Police force.

Dragon and the sailors detest the strict discipline of police work, seeing as Captain Tze (who got rather mussed in the bar brawl earlier) seems to take great delight in tormenting the new trainees. Needing more leads into the pirate activity, the Police send a squad to a high-class club to arrest a major gang leader. But Dragon can’t seem to keep his fists to himself and the place erupts in a miasma of violence again, with Dragon dragging their arrest subject out kicking and screaming. The police chief is offended by Dragon’s behavior and demands he apologize to the gangster. Dragon tells the chief to take his badge and shove it and storms out the door.

Dragon’s sulking is curtailed quickly by the arrival of an old friend of his, a con-man by the name of Fats.

Okay, so Jackie Chan is here in his “Whacky Chan” mode in a movie that started his habit of blurring the lines between physical comedy and martial arts mayhem – one particular scene recalls Harold Lloyd in Safety First. This film feels like a starting effort, like it was hard to resist putting every single idea that came to mind. Which is probably why it also feels very stream of conscious, with one scene segueing into another without so much as a pause. There is a bunch going on here for what should be a simple martial arts flick. Also interesting to note is how the fight scenes are shifting from the “rhythmic blows” kind of choreography that was prevalent in the 1970’s to a more fluid style that is seen today. That being said, one of the more frustrating parts of the movie is how little Sammo Hung is utilized in it. He seems to only pop up occasionally to remind the viewer he’s still there.

Line of the Movie: “To capture the pirates we’re gonna need boats. A lot of boats.”

Three and a half stars. I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.

My Trek Of The Stars, Part 6: The Naked Time

Guest Starring: Stewart Moss, Majel Barret, Bruce Hyde, Grace Lee Whitney, William Knight, John Bellah

First, the Lowdown: The Enterprise crew is infected with a disease that makes them all act like college sophomores on Spring Break.

So the Enterprise is in orbit of the planet Psi 2000 (now with 2000 times the cleaning planet as the original Psi!). A scientific party has been on the frozen, Land of Dairy Queen-like surface to research the eventual disintegration of the planet. (Because that’s what planets do when they get too old, they fall apart like an old Gremlin.) On beaming down to the planet surface, Spock and Lt. Tormolen discover that what is supposed to be a bland research station now looks like a frat house after rush week, complete with strangled lady in a back room (if you can’t get rid of the dead hooker before the campus police show up, you can’t make it into Theta Chi, bro.) It’s a good thing Spock and Tormolen wore special clothing made of shower curtains before beaming down, otherwise they’d be freezing. Tormolen takes some instrument readings, and then takes off the glove to his suit (it’s a good thing hands don’t get contaminated) in order to scratch his nose and smear his exposed fingers in the pool of liquid plot device. Spock concludes that the scientific party has gone batshit insane and beams Tormolen and himself up.

On the Enterprise, the landing party is decontaminated and examined by the doctor, who can’t find anything wrong with them – and nothing suspicious about Tormolen’s case of sweaty palms.

Meanwhile, in the briefing room, Kirk hammers home the point that they still don’t know what caused the scientific party to just go bananas, and that once Psi 2000 starts breaking up, they’ll need to make sure the Enterprise isn’t in it’s line of sight. In the recreation room, Sulu and Lt. Riley walk in to see Tormolen break into a psychotic rage – so psychotic that Tormolen falls on his own butter knife. Now Sulu and Riley, the ship’s navigator and helmsman, have a case of sweaty palms.

While Kirk and Spock discuss Tormolen’s recent outbreak of crazy, Dr. McCoy is trying to patch up the damage he did with his butter knife. What should be a routine operation is a complete clusterfuck, leaving Tormolen dead on the table. Back on the bridge, Sulu and Riley’s case of sweaty palms is distracting them from making course corrections. When Kirk leaves the bridge to hear McCoy’s report, Sulu sneaks off to practice fencing.

Riley, however, has proven himself a poor substitute by swaggering and loudly proclaiming as if he were the central character of a James Joyce novel. Spock relieves the now drunken Riley to sickbay, where he only reports long enough to give Nurse Chapel a case of sweaty palms, and then departs into the engine room. Meanwhile, Sulu has reappeared – half-naked and swinging a sword. He swashes his buckle all the way to the bridge, but his Wu-Tang sword no match for Spock’s Vulcan neck pinch. Too make matters worse, Riley has commandeered the ship via the engine room and locked himself in.

As time goes on, more and more crewmen are becoming infected – turning the Enterprise into a drunken orgy that’s spiraling out of control. (It’s the “spiraling out of control” part that makes this situation so unique.)

Spock checks in on Scotty – who’s cutting through a wall next to the engine room door – and McCoy – who had to take off to check on something in the biopsy lab. On the bridge, the crewmembers are getting more and more high as time wears on, which would be funny if it weren’t for Riley belting out the same Irish ballad over the PA over and over again like a mid-twenties asshat who fills the bar jukebox with four hours worth of Nickleback. When Spock arrives at sickbay, Nurse Chapel transfers her case of sweaty palms to him, after telling him she loves him. Spock departs awkwardly and ducks into the briefing room so he can weep like a computer club member that’s been pantsed by the captain of the football time in front of the cheerleader he’s been crushing on.

Scotty succeeds in breaking into the engine room (you see, in the future they only need about a dozen interns to maintain a faster-than-light engine.) But Riley, in his drunken stupor, has shut the engines completely off – meaning the Enterprise is about to crash and burn in less time than there’s left in the episode.

But the good news is that Dr. McCoy has discovered an antidote to the sweaty palms everyone’s been dealing with (or at least has figured out a way for them to fudge a breathalyzer test.)

Kirk stumbles upon Spock in the briefing room and tries to shake him out of his depressing cycle before he starts cutting on himself. He slaps Spock to sobriety, but not before coming down with his own case of sweaty palms. Spock figures out a nice, whiz-bang solution to their engine problem – which sends the Enterprise to fast in reverse that time itself is going backwards! The time warp sent them back three days – which is the perfect amount of time to forget how many embarrassing sex acts the just witnessed and participated in.

Things to look out for:

The “sweaty palms”: You can tell who has been infected because they begin to wipe their hands on their trousers, like after shaking hands with that greasy guy your dad is friends with.

The shower curtain suits: I’m not sure what environment they’re meant to protect their users from, but I sure hope they get them regularly checked for soap scum.

What is McCoy not today? Able to keep his nurses and orderlies sober.

Does Sulu get stoned? Boy howdy, does he! Shirtless and chasing crewmembers with a sword (you better hope I’m not being metaphorical with that) – or as they call it on the Enterprise: Tuesday.

And what about Spock? Spock gets all emo and weepy in this episode. What’s really surprising to me is that he doesn’t start listening to the Smiths while he’s at it.

Ma Vie En Rose (1997)

Starring: Michèle Laroque, Jean-Phillipe Écoffey, Hélène Vincent, Georges Du Fresne, Danielle Hanssens

First, the Lowdown: A 7-year old boy wants to be a girl. Which drives the grown-ups in his life crazy.

The Fabres have just moved into their new house, in a very suburban neighborhood. To celebrate their arrival, they throw a housewarming party, inviting everyone around. At the party, the head of the Fabre household, Pierre, introduces his wife and children to their new neighbors. But the introductions are thrown off when their youngest son, Ludovic, shows up – wearing his sister’s dress and makeup.

Ludovic wants to be a girl. He wants it with the same kind of fever and intensity most boys his age reserve for a favorite birthday present. At first his parents thought it was just a stage that all children go through to establish an identity. But then Ludovic starts playing with Jérôme, the son of his father’s boss. It would’ve been a nice afternoon if Jérôme’s mother hadn’t caught them – pretending to get married to each other (with Ludovic in a dress belonging to Jérôme’s dead sister.) Needless to say, what his parents thought would be a “phase” is quickly turning into a more serious problem.

Things quickly spiral out of hand for the Fabres: the more they try to force Ludovic to act like other boys in his gender, the more he finds himself drawn away from it. Even more disconcerting for the Fabres than their child’s “confusion” is how the neighborhood is reacting to it – countering polite speech in public with harsh sentiments in private. The tension reaches a boiling point when Ludovic changes costumes with a girl playing Snow White during a school play.

I always find it interesting how even the most enlightened and liberal-minded parents will suddenly panic when it turns out their own child is gay. It’s like it’s easier to support other people’s children.

Watching this movie did make me think – what would I do in this situation? I consider myself pretty open-minded, and I know that either of my children could feel comfortable being open about their sexuality (whatever it is) to me. Gender dysphoria (discontent with one’s biological gender) opens a new can of worms, though, especially if it manifests at a young age. It’s one thing for parents to be comfortable with their child acting outside of socially-accepted gender roles at the home, but what about the school? I wouldn’t want to discourage my child from acting in a way that pleased him/her - and was healthy for their emotional/physical growth - but it would be naïve of me to expect other parents, teacher, and authority figures to be as understanding. The only solution I can think of would be to establish boundaries for the child as far as when and where he/she can be comfortable acting on those desires – until the child was of an age to start making informed decisions on their own (like his/her mid-teens).

The thing that’s interesting about Ma Vie En Rose is this – it doesn’t get preachy. It teeters on the edge a few times, but doesn’t soapbox at all. Another interesting quality is Ludovic and how his character is developed. When he is forced to act more masculine by his parents, Ludovic suddenly finds himself rejected by his peers who keep treating him like he’s effeminate – which only deepens his confusion.

Line of the Movie: “To make a baby, parents play tic-tac-toe. When one wins, God sends Xs and Ys. XX for a girl, and XY for a boy. But my X for a girl fell in the trash, and I got a Y instead.”

Four stars. Those who live by the pineapple, die by the pineapple.

My Trek of the Stars, Part 5: The Man Trap

Guest Starring: Jeanne Bal, Alfred Ryder, Bruce Watson, Michael Zaslow, Vince Howard, Francine Pyne

First, the Lowdown: Dr. McCoy visits an old flame, and comes back with something extra.

So, the Enterprise has been called to the planet M-113 (a planet so boring, it doesn’t have a real name) to perform a routine medical examination on the archeological team that resides there. Dr. McCoy insisted that the team show up early because an old girlfriend of his, Nancy, is now married to the chief archeologist, Dr. Crater. When McCoy, Kirk, and Expendable Crewman Darnell arrive, no one is there to greet them. But before Kirk can rib McCoy for pining for a girl he left behind so many years ago, Nancy suddenly appears. To McCoy she looks exactly the same as he remembers her (which I guess would be her early thirties, if the wig says anything); to Kirk, however, she looks about forty (thank you, Touch of Grey!); and to Expendable Crewman Darnell, she looks like a blonde hooker he met on Wrigley’s Pleasure Planet (where the real flavor is, I guess). In fact, Darnell is tactless enough to vocalize that comparison out loud, only to be dismissed outside before he could mention that thing she could do with her tongue. Nancy then departs to find her husband, but isn’t three steps out the door when she sashays past Expendable Crewman Darnell. Darnell proves that he’s as in control of his genitals as he is his mouth and follows Nancy to wherever the hell she’s going.

Dr. Crater shows up shortly thereafter and is full of piss and vinegar. It seems he has taken quite a bit of umbrage at the presence Kirk and McCoy on the planet surface. In fact, he probably would’ve spent the rest of the episode complaining if Kirk hadn’t interrupted and informed him that Starfleet regulations require a routine medical examination be performed on all scientific personnel at least once a year. Having finally shut Dr. Crater up, McCoy performs his scans on the grumpy archaeologist. During the exam, McCoy and Kirk disagree over Nancy’s apparent age (and Kirk also points out her “cankles”), but Dr. Crater insists that McCoy is merely seeing Nancy differently because of being reunited with her, but assure him she’ll appear different once he’s calmed down. Midway through the examination the three men hear Nancy scream out. When they meet up with her, Nancy is standing over the body of Expendable Crewman Darnell. At first McCoy is stunned because Nancy now has the grey back in her hair, but then gets professional by proclaiming Darnell dead – with strange hickies all over his face. Nancy claims that she approached Darnell to tell him she wasn’t offended by being compared to a hooker (unlike some other women she knows), when she saw him munching on a Borgia plant – which apparently poisoned the heck out of him or something. Before Kirk and company depart, Nancy also makes sure that Dr. Crater asks for more salt tablets – for miniaturized cows or something.

Back on the Enterprise, Spock verifies that the Borgia plant is common to many planets and also highly toxic – like Velveeta. However, according to McCoy’s post-mortem, there isn’t a trace of poison in the dead man’s body, and poisoning from the Borgia plant doesn’t give you hickies, no matter how much you’ve had to drink before. Additionally, McCoy says there isn’t anything physically wrong with Darnell, other than being quite dead.

Moments later, McCoy discovers what did kill Expendable Crewman Darnell – a complete absence of salt in his system. (And unlike normal hyponatremia – sodium deficiency – which causes seizures and coma, this is space­-hyponatremia, which gives you hickies and kills you). But since Nancy and Dr. Crater mentioned that they needed salt tablets, that’s enough to arouse the suspicions of Kirk, so they beam back down with two more Expendable Crewmen.

Dr. Crater is rather uncooperative and annoyed at Kirk’s presence again, and insists that they leave. Kirk, however tells the archeologist he can stick his opinions where the Pharaohs don’t shine – an Expendable Crewman died of salt depletion and the Craters are suddenly needing salt tablets for themselves. Kirk insists that there’s some kind of nasty baddy out there and insist that Dr. & Mrs. Crater come aboard the Enterprise to take refuge. Dr. Crater makes his reluctance known by sneaking away from Kirk and McCoy, and nearly trips over the body of Expendable Crewman Sturgeon, also with hickies on his face. Meanwhile, Nancy has found Expendable Crewman Green, also dead, and takes his form. Unable to find either Dr. Crater or his missus, Kirk beams the surviving members of the landing party aboard – not knowing that Nancy has played the ol’ switcheroo on Green.

Back on the Enterprise, Kirk orders a surface scan of the planet for the two scientists, and orders McCoy to take some rest. Meanwhile, Former Expendable Crewman Green has started to follow Yeoman Rand. Rand is by now used to the kind of leering she gets from the male members of her crew (see The Enemy Within for more on that), but this is the first time one has spent more time ogling the food on her tray – specifically the salt shaker - than on her ass.

On the bridge, Spock can only find one humanoid lifeform on the planet surface, circling around as if looking for something (either that, or he’s drunk).

Yeoman rand delivers her tray to a hungry Mr. Sulu, who is slumming it in the botany lab. She pauses to admire one of the alien plant-thingies (read: guy hidden under a table wearing dishwashing gloves), when the twitchy “Green” enters in the room. “Green” doesn’t say anything, just hovers uncomfortably close to Mr. Sulu. Both Sulu and Rand try talking to “Green” (who is getting more and more twitchy as time passes) when the dishwashing-glove plant loudly freaks out, frightening “Green” and giving him cause to leave – leading Sulu and Rand to wonder just how weird you gotta be in order to freak plants out.

“Green” wanders the corridors twitching and sweating, when Lt. Uhura exits a nearby turbolift. Suddenly “Green’s” appearance shifts, this time to something more Sidney Poitier-esque. Uhura and “Crewman Poitier” have a brief exchange, and just when it looks like they are about to embrace, Uhura is suddenly called to the bridge and exits awkwardly.

McCoy can’t sleep and checks in with the bridge. Kirk, being the sound physician he is, tells the good doctor to take a couple of downers to send him off. In a nearby corridor, “Crewman Poitier” has cornered a hapless engineer’s mate and does something unspeakable to him off camera.

Mr. Spock finally concludes that there is only one person on the planet’s surface. Kirk agrees and decides to drop in on the grumpy archeologist to ask him some questions.

Wandering aimlessly, “Crewman Poitier” happens upon Dr. McCoy’s quarters and changes his appearance to “Nancy”. Dr. McCoy invites her into his quarters, relieved that she has been discovered. “Nancy” insists that McCoy follow Kirk’s advice and get some rest, and breaks out the Doctor’s stash of Quaaludes.

Sulu and Yeoman Rand get a nasty shock when they encounter the body of the unnamed engineer’s mate – his face covered in hickies. Meanwhile, “Nancy” lulls McCoy to sleep and takes his form.

On the planet’s surface, Kirk and Spock approach Dr. Crater, who has holed himself up in some ruins. The Enterprise informs Kirk that there is a new casualty on board with the same symptoms has Expendable Crewmen Darnell and Sturgeon. As if that weren’t bad enough, Spock happens upon the body of Expendable Crewman Green. Dr. Crater makes it clear that he wants to be left alone by shooting randomly with his phaser.

Meanwhile, Sulu and Uhura are coordinating a security sweep of the Enterprise. Security confirms that Expendable Crewman Green is not in his quarters, to which Sulu replies, “No duh! The Captain says he found him dead!” And Uhura and Yeoman Rand exchange stories about the creepy “Green” and “Crewman Poitier”, going “EEEWW!” afterward.

Kirk and Spock, knowing it’s on like Donkey Kong, demonstrate they can lay the better beatdown by stunning Dr. Crater’s ass, and after restraining him stun him a couple more times again while pepper spraying him. Dr. Crater finally confesses that the last inhabitant of their doomed planet killed Mrs. Crater a year ago and can take multiple forms.

After beaming back to the ship, Kirk calls for a staff meeting. Security has not been able to find the thingy, in spite of leaving salt licks as bait. “McCoy”, who is present at the meeting, suggests they leave out salt without any deception – stating that the thingy won’t be dangerous if it’s fed. Dr. Crater concurs, stating that it’s an intelligent creature and also a sole survivor. Kirk, however, will have none of this bleeding-heart, hippy crap. Because Dr. Crater can recognize the thingy even when it’s disguised, Kirk orders “McCoy” to administer “truth serum” to Dr. Crater. Spock, noticing how twitchy “McCoy” has become lately, joins him.

Kirk arrives to sickbay finding Spock there. Turns out “McCoy” conked him on the noggin and took his phaser – and then killed Dr. Crater. Fortunately, Spock’s blood is green, so the thingy couldn’t get salt from his system. (Besides, I hear Vulcans blood contains Aspartame.)

“McCoy” returns to his quarters and changes back to Nancy. Nancy rousts McCoy out of his sleep, telling him that someone is trying to kill her. McCoy agrees to help her, at least to get her to shut up, when Kirk shows up – phaser at the ready. Kirk tries telling McCoy that Nancy is some kind of salt-sucking, shape changing thingy, but McCoy won’t hear it. The two men wrestle for the phaser in Kirk’s hand and in the end McCoy winds up with it. Kirk, however, can’t get away because the thingy has used some kind of hypno-ray power on him, making him freeze. Spock then enters the room, freaking out that the thing has Kirk in its thrall. After a brief attempt of getting the phaser, Spock decides the best way to show McCoy who the real “Nancy” is – by beating the everlovin’ snot outta her. Nancy, however, was a retired member of Women Of Wrestling, and flings Spock against the wall like a ragdoll. McCoy at that point realizes that Nancy would never use a flying mare when a simple bodyslam would suffice, and warns her off of attacking Kirk. The thingy sheds it’s appearance as “Nancy”, only to look like some scaly, green, sucker-handed thing that has Tara Reid’s stomach for its face. McCoy phasers the crap out of it, though, awkwardly realizing that he was carrying a hard-on for something as hideous a Ann Coulter’s vagina.

Things to look out for:

The thingy: When it’s disguised it looks about as nervous and uncomfortable as a chess nerd in a strip club.

“Beauregard” the plant: It’s treated as a pet, but you know as well as I do that if a plant both moved and made noise, you’d kill it with fire.

What is McCoy not today? Able to let go – after ten years he’s pining away for the same chick? Definitely has some transition issues.

Does Sulu get stoned? Nope. But you have to wonder what his interest in botany really is.

And what about Spock? He seems so logical and quiet at first, but if you endanger the Captain in any way, he goes crazy-nuts and starts beating on you like an ape with sunstroke.

Love Affair (1994)

Starring: Warren Beatty, Annette Bening, Katherine Hepburn, Garry Shandling, Chloe Webb, Pierce Brosnan

First, the Lowdown: A man and a woman, who are engaged to other people, fall in love after their plane crashes. Hilarity ensues.

Mike Gambil is a former NFL-star turned burnt-out celebrity sports announcer with a penchant for philandering who is currently engaged to talk show sensation, Lynn Weaver. While on a trip to Sydney, Mike meets Terry McKay, an interior designer who is engaged to venture capitalist, Ken Allen. Mike and Terry start flirting on and off during their flight, which has to make an unexpected landing on a tropical atoll.

Fortunately, a Russian liner picks up the castaway passengers and ferries them to Hawaii via Tahiti. Unfortunately, it’s a trip that will take two days by boat. Mike and Terry continue to flirt on and off, each time getting closer and closer. The boat makes a stopover at an island that by lucky coincident also happens to be where Mike’s elderly Aunt Ginny lives. Ginny confides to Terry that she thinks Mike’s dalliances are a false façade until he meets the right one. Returning to the boat, Terry decides not to take a short plane that would get her home quicker, but instead wants to spend the remainder of the trip with Mike. On the last day, they agree to meet each other at the Empire State Building in three months.

Confession time first, I have yet to see the original Love Affair, this just came to me sooner in my movie queue. Now that’s out of the way…

Piece of advice, Hollywood, if you want to make a dramatic romance, don’t have Garry Shandling be in your first scene. I’m not saying you can’t have him in your movie, just don’t have him in the first scene. Warren Beatty is a fine actor, except when he tries playing himself – then he just comes off as a caricature of himself. This movie has not aged at all well (there’s a joke about the Ray Charles’s Diet Coke commercials in it) - and is it just me, or do a lot of movies from the mid-90’s look like they’ve been shot by Rembrandt? Everything just looks so muddled and brown. (Except the scenes in Tahiti – during those I kept expecting to see the cast from Lost.)

Beatty and Bening do have a bit of chemistry that shows on camera, but then their dialogue switches from “nervous and witty” to “leadenly romantic”. I’m thinking Beatty watched too much Lifetime network when he was writing the treatment for this, because the characters of Mike and Terry will be chatting along swimmingly, only to have the “romantic” dialogue fall embarrassingly awkward in the room – like a fart in a church.

Love Affair also marks Katherine Hepburn’s final film appearance. She’s supposed to be a witty and eccentric aunt who lives out in the tropics. But instead of her age giving her character, it makes you feel like the producers have exploited a famous old person to make a buck. Hepburn looks incredibly tired during her scene, and also a bit put off. (To make her seem “spunky” she even drops the F-bomb, but does it in such a politely embarrassed tone, it makes me wonder how much she was pressured to say it.)

Line of the movie: “The trick isn’t getting what you want, my dear, it’s wanting it after you get it.”

Two and a half stars. I work hard for the money, so you better treat me right.

My Trek of the Stars, Part 4: The Enemy Within

Guest Starring: Jim Goodwin, Edward Madden, Eddie Paskey, Garland Thompson, Don Eitner

First, the Lowdown: A transporter malfunction splits Kirk in twain, and he goes gay for himself.

On scenic Alpha 177, Kirk is overseeing the remainder of the Enterprise’s geological survey of the planet. Geological technician Fisher has an inner-ear imbalance or something and falls off an embankment, injuring his hand and covering his uniform in a weird sulphurous ore. Kirk orders Fisher to return to the ship to get treated, and tells him to make sure the plot device is ready while he’s up there. Sure enough, the transporter acts a little funky while beaming Crewman Fisher up, but Scotty and his student intern kinda shrug and don’t let it bother them. So when Kirk beams up, he wobbles off the transporter platform drunkenly - which is hardly a surprise to the chief engineer. However, as Scotty escorts Kirk to his quarters, the transporter springs to life again, this time materializing another Kirk – who we’re supposed to assume is evil by the sinister theme music and the fact that the harsh lighting makes his face look swollen.

Evil Kirk’s first priority is to seek out the good Dr. McCoy – and demand Saurian brandy from him. McCoy, being the lush he is, more than obliges Kirk, but when the doctor tries to open casual conversation with his commanding officer, Kirk repeats his order with all the savage fury of a barfly asking for a well drink. Confused, McCoy gives him the bottle of brandy, which is conveniently kept in the same cabinet as the rest of his medicinal supplies. Evil Kirk stalks out of sickbay, swigging on the bottle occasionally, and staggers into the quarters of Yeoman Rand.

Meanwhile Good Kirk has showered and changed, only to be approached by Mr. Spock. For a Vulcan incapable of emotion, he certainly has difficulty concealing his concern. Apparently, Dr. McCoy had reported Evil Kirk’s odd behavior – I mean, swilling brandy around the crewmembers is one thing, but urinating in the turbolift? Good Kirk, however, did none of this and tells Spock that the whole thing is probably just an elaborate prank. Because, y’know how much Spock likes pranks.

But before they worry too much about all of that, Scotty calls them with more bad news. A biological specimen (read: cocker spaniel with random crap stapled to it) was beamed up a few minutes ago - but then a duplicate followed. Whereas the first mutant spaniel is docile, its duplicate is a yapping beast that would tear the socks off your living body before peeing on your furniture. Scotty orders the transporter shut down until they can repair it, adding “Thank God we didn’t beam up a human through there, right? Right?” Spock, reprising his role as Mr. Downer, reminds the captain that nightfall on Alpha 177 brings an average temperature of -100º F. So, in other words, Sulu and Company on the planet surface are positively screwed. (It’s a good thing they prepared for such a contingency, going into a harsh environment like that, right?)

The Barbara Eden-like Yeoman Rand has returned to her quarters to find Evil Kirk lying in wait for her. Obviously hopped up on brandy, and possessing all of the social tact as a conventioning Shriner in the same state, Evil Kirk tries forcing himself onto the young crewwoman. Rand struggles as best as she can, and scratches Evil Kirk’s face hard enough to leave a mark. That in turn helps her break free for a brief moment to enlist in the help of Crewman Fisher, who runs to call security on the intercom. Evil Kirk, however, puts the kibosh on those plans by beating Fisher to a pulp and amscraying into the distance.

Obviously a sexual assault of this kind can’t go unnoticed, even in 1960s television, so Spock approaches Good Kirk about the incident. In the struggle, Douchebag Kirk (previously known as Evil Kirk) left behind the bottle of Saurian brandy – which correlates to McCoy’s previous encounter. However, Good Kirk’s face is undamaged (and he’s conveniently wearing a different style of uniform), so the two men go to confront Yeoman Rand about the incident to get more answers. Not moments later, though, Douchebag Kirk wanders into the now-empty quarters to lick his wounds. No really, that’s what he does: licks the skin that was abraded off from pummeling a crewman. It’s amazing he doesn’t fall off the bed trying to lick his balls while he’s at it.

Yeoman Rand is quite traumatized by the whole incident, recounting every sordid detail – however Good Kirk doesn’t have the scratches on his face that his Douchebag counterpart did. That can mean only one thing: DUN DUN DUN!!! An imposter!

Actually it’s a Jungian duplicate, but who’s counting right? Good Kirk and Spock confer with Scotty about the transporter difficulties. Scotty is confident he can repair it, but isn’t sure when that will happen - which means that it still sucks to be one of the landing party members. Spock is concerned about the Douchebag Kirk, so Good Kirk tells Spock to order search parties and make an announcement to the crew regarding the duplicate and how he can be identified. Spock, however, points out that to tell everybody that there’s a clone of the captain running around that acts like a douchebag wouldn’t exactly elevate the captain’s status with the crew. Good Kirk agrees with Spock’s logic, but is disturbed that he couldn’t remember that little fact.

So what does Wussy Kirk (formerly known as Good Kirk) do? He goes to the bridge, orders search parties, and makes an announcement to the crew! No problem there, right? Unfortunately, Douchebag Kirk hears that the scars on his face are identifying feature and uses makeup to cover it up (because good foundation and blusher are standard issue for officer grade personnel.) He also manages to clobber yet another crewmember and steals the poor lad’s phaser.

Meanwhile, Sulu makes a call up to the Enterprise to complain that he’s cold. Wussy Kirk tells him that the heating bill is high enough, so he should just put on a sweater. Security also reports that Douchebag Kirk has kayoed yet another lackey and stolen his phaser. The combination of bad news, however, makes Wussy Kirk almost cry in sullen frustration. Spock and Wussy Kirk determine that although Douchebag Kirk is, well, a douchebag, he also possesses the same knowledge as Wussy Kirk. Therefore they conclude that the perfect place to hide where there are lots of nooks and crannies to take a dump in is the engineering deck.

Spock and Wussy Kirk head down to engineering and split up (because there’s no WAY something bad would happen, right?) Meanwhile Douchebag Kirk manages to confront Wussy Kirk (who is such a wuss, he wouldn’t even draw his phaser). The two Kirks circle each other, their eyes locked, breathing heavily, as if trying to quell the burning in their hearts… Kinda got lost there, where was I? Oh yeah – Wussy Kirk tries to implore to his Douchebag counterpart not to kill him and rape his corpse, when round the corner comes Spock and gives a Vulcan neck pinch to the Douchebag. Spasming in pain, Douchebag Kirk’s sidearm fires, hitting a random conduit. Wussy Kirk and Spock shrug, figuring that since the ship is still flying, there’s nothing to worry about, right?

In sickbay, Spock makes the determination that Wussy Kirk is losing the power of decision, because it takes a Douchebag to make the kind of snap judgments required to command a starship. Wussy Kirk, being a wuss, wholeheartedly agrees – mainly because whenever he’s confronted with a decision, he acts as frustrated and insecure as a 3^rd grader with a learning disability. Scotty calls over with even more bad news – seems that some asshole went to engineering and shot out some vital circuits for the transporter, making repairs even MORE delayed. Wussy Kirk reacts by eating a container of frosting and weeping in the corner.

Sulu calls up again, passive-aggressively mentioning the cold. Kirk tells him if he’s warm enough to make jokes, he’s warm enough to wait a little longer. Scott also tells Wussy Kirk that because of the damage his Douchebag twin did, they won’t be able to fix the Transporter for about a week. (Could be sooner if, you know, you did him a favor. *wink*) If only they had some smaller form of spacecraft docked inside the Enterprise, a craft designed to shuttle people across short distances, say.

Dr. McCoy makes the determination that the duplication process has somehow weakened the life processes of both Kirks – meaning that if they don’t merge with each other (not in THAT WAY, pervs), they’ll both die. Scotty (having recently been given a sizeable “gratuity”) suddenly CAN fix the Transporter using a bunch of randomly drawn, pseudo-engineering terms the writers cooked up. He suggests testing the machine on the mutant spaniels first to make sure it works. Well, it worked all right, so much so that the two spaniels merged into one thoroughly cooked entrée (that serves 6).

In Sickbay, there is a debate over whether shock or something wrong with the Transporter killed the mutant spaniel. (Maybe it’s because they left it on the “poultry” setting?) Wussy Kirk is left the decision to either go through the transporter himself or to wait for the results of the mutant spaniel’s autopsy. Being a wuss, Wussy Kirk can’t make the decision, so he decides to do both! Armed with a phaser, Wussy Kirk tries forcing Douchebag Kirk into the transporter. Douchebag cold cocks him, though, and assumes his identity (by changing his uniform top, clever thinking that.)

Douchebag Kirk decides to live up to his name by ordering the crew to break orbit, logging the status of the soon-to-be-abandoned Sulu and company as “fucked.” As the bridge officers voice their complaints, McCoy and Wussy Kirk enter the bridge. The crew can’t tell them apart because they are both wearing the same outfit and both have scratches on their faces. But all becomes clear, as Douchebag Kirk starts screaming for control of his ship like a Teabagger at a May Day parade. Wussy Kirk finally manages to convince Douchebag Kirk to accept and explore his lifestyle, and the two walk to the Transporter room in a tight embrace.

When going through the transporter, the equation of 1 part wuss to 1 part douchebag totals out to be all Kirk. With the transporter fixed, Sulu and the research party are finally beamed up to the Enterprise, only missing a few fingers and toes due to frostbite. Everything resolved, Kirk orders the ship to break orbit, only to suddenly recall “Why didn’t we use the shuttlecraft to pick up Sulu?”

Things to look out for:

Douchebag Kirk: Apparently eyeliner and bad lighting imply “douchebag”. The more I recall what I’ve seen while nightclubbing, the more I tend to agree with that sentiment.

Wussy Kirk: Whenever Wussy Kirk is with his Douchebag counterpart, you can’t help but assume Wussy Kirk is the catcher.

What is McCoy not today? Able to stay away from the booze – if you look closely you’ll see that he has *2* bottles of brandy in his “medicine cabinet.”

Does Sulu get stoned? It’s hard to say, he winds up unconscious in the embrace of two crewmen at the end of the episode.

And what about Spock? Spock’s sole purpose in this episode seems to be to prevent the two Kirks from merging. After delivering a sermonette about being of two worlds himself, you start to wonder if Spock’s resistance to a whole Kirk is a form of Vulcan schadenfreude.

Cinema Paradiso (1988)

(Originally released as Nuovo Cinema Paradiso)

Starring: Antonella Attili, Enzo Cannavale, Isa Danieli, Leo Gullotta, Marco Leonardi, Pupella Maggio

First, The Lowdown: A famous filmmaker recalls the movie theater of his childhood.

In a tiny village in remote Sicily, a young boy by the name of Salvatore spends all of his free time sneaking into the village theater (which also serves as the church.) His dalliances there frequently come to conflict with his mother, the local priest, and most especially the projectionist, Alfredo, who is required by the local clergy to preview every new movie so that any scenes that involve romantic kissing or touching can be spliced out.

Despite the finger-wagging by his superiors, Salvatore is entranced by the world of the theater, so much so that he learns the trade of running the projector from Alfredo. When an accident in the projection room deprives Alfredo of his sight and the village of their cinema, a patron uses his newly-won wealth to commission the building of a grander theater: Cinema Paradiso.

Salvatore takes over the job of projectionist from Alfredo, and as the years advance, he grows into a strong man who begins to explore the world of film on his own with this own camera. However, life has a way of changing quicker than one wants to, and Salvatore finds himself drafted into service with the Army. Upon his return, Alfredo chides Salvatore for keeping himself chained to the village of his birth out of a misplaced sense of duty. Alfredo insists that Salvatore leave and never look back, otherwise he may be trapped forever.

I remember when this came out the critical acclaim used the typical buzz words of “spectacular” and “astounding” and “a movie that reminds you of what movies used to be”. To be honest, I didn’t find any of those statements to be fitting. If anything, what I witnessed was an overlong movie with a leaden plot. It’s not to say that the story itself was boring or unoriginal, but where there was one movie being shown, there really should have been three.

It was unsurprising to me when I found out that Cinema Paradiso was intended to be a statement on the current state of film during the time it was released, but instead of showing us the wonder of the flickering images, we are treated to montage after montage of gap-mouthed people looking blankly at the screen.

Line of the Movie: “Progress always comes late.”

Three stars. Take me out to the ball game.

My Trek of the Stars, Part 3: Mudd’s Women

Guest Starring: Roger C. Carmel, Karen Steele, Maggie Thrett, Susan Denberg, Jim Goodwin

First, the Lowdown: The Enterprise picks up a sleazy con-artist and his cargo of Vegas showgirls.

So, there’s the Enterprise, in hot pursuit of an unregistered cargo ship. We’re not given an exact reason why they’re pursuing it, but as anyone who’s been pulled over by the police can attest, it’s probably because their blinker isn’t working. But of course the cargo ship’s commander shows all the cool composure as your average driver in World’s Craziest Police Chases and veers directly toward an asteroid field.

Kirk isn’t a total dick, though, and has the Enterprise’s shields extended around the cargo ship to protect it – even though it means an incredible drain on his own vessel. Realizing that he’s finally in over his head, the cargo ship commander radios for assistance – and just in the nick of time too: his ship gets struck by an asteroid and is destroyed (what about the shields protecting it?) seconds after the commander and crew are transported aboard.

The commander is a smarmy gent who calls himself Leo Walsh and seems none too affected by the loss of his ship. The remaining people on board his ship however, are three women who look like they’re ready for their gig as backup dancers for Tom Jones at the Flamingo. Of course, this being a television show made in the sixties, whenever a beautiful woman in soft focus appears on screen, you can expect most of the male cast members to act like someone slipped Thorazine into their coffee.

Kirk demands to see Walsh and company in his cabin to get some explanation for his actions, and of course he also has a similar reaction as his crewmates to the young lovelies that saunter into his office. Fortunately Kirk is able to conceal his hard-on because he’s sitting at his desk, and informs Walsh that both he and his crew are under charges. Walsh corrects Kirk, on his terminology – the female cohorts aren’t exactly crew, but “cargo”. That’s much like saying that your young 20-year old trophy wife isn’t so much a spouse as “furniture.” Kirk confines the group to quarters until he can figure out what to do with them – or more to the point, how to do it to them discreetly.

But the Enterprise has problems of its own. Seems that Walsh’s little reenactment of the O.J. Simpson highway chase has burnt out all but one of the Enterprise’s lithium crystal circuits. You know that one time you and your college buddies spent all your gas money on beer, and you had to jostle the car just enough to get fumes into the engine to limp your way home? Yeah, it’s like that. Fortunately, there is a lithium mining colony on nearby Rigel XII where they can score some new crystals without having to call Mom home collect so she can wire them some cash.

In the meantime, Walsh has been prepping his “female units” for the upcoming ship’s hearing – insisting the girls answer all questions truthfully, but not allow themselves to be medically examined. Then again, Walsh could’ve explained to the rest of the crew that his girls only speak Sexy and the crew probably would’ve bought it.

The ship’s hearing is convened, and Walsh explains that his main profession is in the “wiving” of settlers. (For more information on how you at home can profit from this wholesome entrepreneurial venture, merely look up “white slavery” on the inter-webs for a free quick-start guide!) Each of the ladies left an environment where their social prospects were limited or non-existent, and decided to seek their fortunes in the arms of an anonymous stranger. Suddenly those Russian & Filipino bride orders don’t seem so bad anymore. However, the interrogation is assisted by the ship’s computer, and as anyone who has watched 1960’s sci-fi can tell you, computers can smell out a lie like a fart in a taxi cab. The computer calls bullshit on Leo Walsh’s name and reputation. Turns out that the man calling himself Leo Walsh with a smarmy Irish brogue is actually Harcourt Fenton Mudd, who speaks with an accent that sounds like a looser version of Charles Winchester from M.A.S.H. Mudd’s reputation is about as sullied as a Republican senatorial page after a weekend “togetherness retreat” – having been arrested many times on theft and smuggling charges. Kirk has heard enough and decides to foist Mudd off on the proper authorities and let them deal with it. But at that moment, the final lithium crystal gives up the ghost, forcing the Enterprise to limp onward using only battery power. Figuring they can scrape up the change under the floormats for at least one crystal, Kirk orders the ship to haul ass to Rigel. Mudd knows the sound of money when he hears it though and hatches a plan. He tells his women that soon their financial woes will be over with once they’re married to the hale, hearty, and wealthy prospectors on Rigel. He also suggests they try to win one or two of the miners over with a free stress exam and a copy of Dianetics.

So whilst the Enterprise is en route to Rigel, the lady-creatures stroll about the ship, wresting information from its mostly-male and extremely pliable crew using their boobied powers of beguilement. From their outing, they not only find out that there are three miners down on Rigel (how handy!), but also manage to palm a communicator off a crewman. (Word to the wise, gents: the next time an unbelievably hot chick cops a feel off of you, make sure your wallet and iPhone are where you put them.) One of the ladies, Eve, slides her way into Kirk’s quarters with the firm intention on seducing his brains out, but at the last minute confesses that she can’t go through with it, even though Harry Mudd told her to do so. Eve returns back to her quarters, tells Harry that Gloria Steinem was right, and collapses in the corner saying that “it’s almost time.” Harry, however, uses his purloined communicator to contact the Rigel prospectors before Kirk can, and strikes up a bargain.

But it’s not all wheeling and dealing as Harry’s girls soon start to resemble a soccer mom the morning after a marguerita bender. After quickly rifling through his quarters, he finds a pill box containing the ladies’ “medicine” – which transforms them back into the Rubenesque strippers they previously were.

The miners arrive onboard the Enterprise, and Kirk offers to pay them up front for their crystals, but instead the lead miner – Childress – asks to see Harry’s women as barter and also asks for Mudd’s release. Furthermore, Childress lets Kirk know that there’s no way in hell the Enterprise is gonna find lithium crystals on their own, not even with their fancy-schmancy sensors and such. Kirk tells the flinty laborers to keep their dirty hands off his womenfolk and boots them off the ship, even though the Enterprise is slowly dieseling to a complete and total stop.

Down on Rigel, the miners have decided to throw a mixer for Mudd’s women, even though Kirk is becoming increasingly aware of the possibility of his ship dropping out of the sky like a defective Macy’s Day Parade balloon. Eve is getting increasingly sickened by the prospect of being auctioned off like a foreclosed crack house and runs outside into a raging sandstorm. Childress goes off after her, leaving Kirk to contemplate the horrors of unprotected reentry into a planet’s atmosphere.

Childress finally finds Eve and drags her back to his squalid hovel, and passes out from exhaustion. (Dragging a showgirl around ain’t no easy task.) Hours later, Childress is awakened to the smell of Eve cooking, and is disturbed by the fact that she’s only been in his place for two hours and already she’s picked up the clothes off his floor. Meanwhile, Kirk and company have been scanning for Eve’s location up in the Enterprise and have detected Childress’s cook stove. And it’s a good thing too, because a few more hours later Eve’s drugs have worn off and Childress is starting to look at her like he had just woken up next to Tammy Faye Baker. Fortunately Kirk and Mudd arrive to explain what’s going on: the pills that Harry has been giving his women are Venus drugs – which instantly make you appear attractive. (Unlike Botox, which only makes you think you appear more attractive.) Eve points out to Childress that he and his cohorts only seem to be interested in a woman who is hyped up on the pretty sauce, rather than someone who knows how to take care of herself. Childress, concedes the matter with a “Yes, dear,” and gives Kirk the crystals he’s been so obviously vying for.

Things to look for in this episode:

The soundtrack: Whenever one of Mudd’s chicas enters the frame, the score makes it appear like you’re going to see them in their pasties soon. I’m surprised there wasn’t a brassiere flung at a crewman’s head.

Harcourt Fenton Mudd: He’s supposed to be this pirate/pimp, but in reality he acts like the boorish antagonist out of one of Oscar Wilde’s comedies.

What is McCoy not today? Capable of forming complete sentences in the presence of a woman. That’s not what they meant by “bedside manner,” Herr Doktor.

And what about Spock? Spock has his usual “not-completely human” half-smirk on his face. I guess the human male’s inability to think straight with an erection is the height of Vulcan comedy.

The Science Of Sleep (2006)

(Originally released as La Science des rêves)

Starring: Gael Garcia Bernal, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Alain Chabat, Miou-Miou, Pierre Vaneck

First, The Lowdown: An artist who spends most of his time in his own head falls in love.

Stephane has just returned to France albeit reluctantly after the insistence of his mother. Mother has promised him not only a place to stay (in the flat where he grew up), but also a job doing graphic design at a local firm. Unfortunately, the apartment stirs up too many uncomfortable memories of his childhood – especially of his father, whom Stephane moved in with after his parents’ divorce. The job equally turns out to be a sham, instead of being a lead designer for a calendar, Stephane is a simple paste boy for a pornographic datebook instead.

Leaving for work one day, he encounters his next door neighbor, Stephanie and her best friend Christine. Stephane is initially attracted to Christine, but the more he talks with Stephanie, the more he is intrigued by her imagination. However, his attraction for either woman has a large obstacle to it.

You see, Stephane lives in his head. Literally. In Stephane’s mind a never ending cable-access talk show is being broadcast, with himself as the host. Sometimes it helps him with his dreams, other times it serves as a forum for his inner chorus. But above all, Stephane spends so much time wrapped up in his own head that much of what he experiences comes of as something he is merely observing and not participating in. To further complicate things, Stephane is extremely creative, so much so that he often forgets where his flights of fancy end and the real world begin.

The Science Of Sleep was Michel Gondry’s first film after Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and it has often been labeled as a low-cost independent version of that movie. While I will admit the two films have their similarities, thematically they are pretty far apart. Where Sunshine is a discourse on the nature of memory and its relationship to whom we love, Science seems to be more about finding a balance between whimsy and maturity.

One thing I loved about the movie is the interactions between Stephane and Stephanie. As a pair, they seem perfect for each other – and yet the same things that are drawing them together are also keeping themselves apart.

Line of the Movie: “The brain is the most complex thing in the universe and it's right behind the nose.”

Four stars. Cheer up, you pile of sad.