Downfall (2004)

(Originally released as Der Untergang)

Starring: Bruno Ganz, Alexandra Maria Lara, Corinna Harfouch, Ulrich Matthes, Juliane Köhler, Heino Ferch

First, the Lowdown: It’s Adolf Hitler’s last days in power and the walls are closing in.

Germany 1942. A group of young women are escorted by Nazi soldiers to a remote bunker in the late evening. Once there, they are told to wait a few moments until they are interviewed - by Der Fuhrer himself. All of them are nervous as this interview means that one will be chosen to be Adolf Hitler’s personal secretary. After a brief trial of dictating directly from Hitler’s recitation, he finally selects one woman – Traudl Junge.

Fast forward two years – it is now May of 1945 and Hitler’s birthday. As the Allied army closes in on Berlin from all sides, the leaders of the Nazi cabinet have holed themselves up in the Fuhrerbunker. Meanwhile, the Soviet Union is ever encroaching on the city and the Nazi leaders are realizing that defeat may be more imminent than they originally thought.

The problem with living in a culture prone to jingoism is that it’s all too easy to demonize your enemies. To this day the American public is so incensed by the Al Qaeda-backed 9/11 attacks that they perceive Osama bin Laden as a mindless psychopath instead of seeing the moral outrage at our culture that inspired the assault to begin with. So thusly, it’s difficult to remember that while Adolf Hitler’s actions and personal philosophy were monstrous, he was still a human being with the same frailties.

That’s not to say that Hitler was a likeable character. Bruno Ganz’s portrayal of the falling dictator is nothing short of inspired. Underscoring Hitler’s actions is an unbending philosophy that is so starkly painted, it sees no compromise. As such, when his designs fail because of their own shortcoming, Hitler is quick to blame others’ weakness – perceived or real. Each defeat is treated like a personal attack against him.

The bulk of “Downfall” takes place in an underground bunker, whose closed spaces only make the occupants the more claustrophobic. As the Soviet army closes in on Berlin, so do the walls of Hitler’s sanctuary start closing in on him. And like a caged animal, Hitler vacillates between calm and rage abruptly. No sooner has he praised someone for their unwavering loyalty to National Socialism than he begins lashing out at them for failure to bring about victory.

Two of the more interesting characters in the movie are Joseph Goebbels and his wife. Having taken the Nazi indoctrination so deeply, the idea of being defeated by the Allies horrifies them to their very core. So much so that they would rather die than live in a world without Socialism.

When it was released in Germany, much of the German media decried the idea of making a movie that was so Hitler-centric for fear that it would portray him in a sympathetic light. However, as has been pointed out by a few historians – in Downfall”Hitler frequently states that the German people do not deserve to survive, for it was by their failure to accept National Socialism that exposed their own weakness and thusly inability to survive.

As it is, however, Downfall is an interesting character study and provides a perfect example that while someone can be brutal and monstrous in their deeds, it is their frailties that expose their humanity.

Line of the movie: “I make so many mistakes when I dictate. You’ll never make as many as I do.”

Five stars. Be kind – rewind.

Garden State (2004)

Starring: Zach Braff, Ian Holm, Peter Sarsgaard, Natalie Portman, Armando Riesco, Trisha LaFache

First, the Lowdown: A young man who doesn’t emote finds himself thrust into emotion.

Andrew doesn’t feel much – a nightmare of a crashing plane doesn’t faze him. He wakes to a perfectly blank bedroom that matches his blank expression. When his father calls to tell him that his mother has died, Andrew doesn’t respond. In his bathroom cabinet is an array of prescription drugs that would make Keith Moon envious, and he touches none of them.

Flying home to Jersey from L.A., Andrew still doesn’t know what to do at his mother’s funeral. At the graveyard he runs into two old high school friends who invite him to a party later on. Andrew isn’t sure how to react, but at his mother’s memorial service, he realizes that he has to interact with his father and his extended family, which only convinces him that he needs to see his relatives as little as possible.

At the party, however, Andrew is even more disconnected, but this time he is in company he chooses to be with. The more time he spends reconnecting with old classmates and friends; Andrew gradually begins to allow himself to emote. But like a hidden prodigy he feels sheepish at expressing any emotion, even if it harms no one.

Because Andrew has been suddenly plagued by migraines, he goes to a neurologist and there he meets Sam. Where Andrew is reserved, Sam is frenetic – her conversation is hyperactive and scattershot, and frequently blurs the barrier of truth and falsehood so ably that we oftentimes don’t know when she’s being honest with Andrew. Andrew finds himself drawn toward her as she starts to embody the expressiveness that he craves.

When I found out that Zach Braff was going to be directing a movie, I was pretty skeptical. Braff’s performance in the series “Scrubs” has made him the heir to David Schwimmer’s throne on television. So much like Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine On The Spotless Mind I was thankful to find out that Braff is also capable of being understated. As a character Andrew doesn’t know how to act and often finds himself surprised by the actions he takes – so it’s good to see that Braff is equally capable of being just as reserved.

Braff’s skill as a director, however, can be summed up by a single image: Andrew exits his car after parking and sees a dismembered gas spigot still sticking into the tank as a result of forgetting to replace it at the station. There are many ideas that are left kind of unformed, almost as if Braff forgot to get back to them later on. Also at times it feels like he’s trying TOO hard to make the movie “quirky”. (For the prominence of the character of Sam, not much is really known about her.) Even more vexing is the presence of a couple of deleted scenes on the DVD release that would’ve been appropriate in the movie itself, but were left out almost as if Braff feared he was showing off. Then again, it is his first movie at the helm – hopefully he’s making these kind of errors early on to learn from them.

Line of the movie: “It's amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter inch piece of plastic.”

Four stars. Remember your sedatives.

Miracle Mile (1988)

Starring: Anthony Edwards, Mare Winningham, John Agar, Lou Hancock, Mykel T. Williamson, Denise Crosby

First, the Lowdown: A man finally meets the woman of his dreams, and has to rescue her before the world ends.

It’s amazing what can happen when you’re in love. Harry Washello is an old-fashioned kinda guy. He is the lead trombonist for a jazz ensemble and considers himself to be quite contentedly single. Then he meets Julie – the perfect woman. She doesn’t cringe at his taste in music or movies, hell one afternoon she brings her elderly father along to watch Harry play in his band. Things are going great.

Like all relationships there are the occasional stumbling blocks. Julie works a swing shift at an all-night diner. However she doesn’t see that as a reason to prevent them from having a tête-à-tête afterwards, so after Harry drops her off he arranges to pick her up at 1am. And then an electrical fire shorts out the power to his hotel – so while Harry sleeps his alarm fails to wake him up until 3 hours later.

Now completely overdue, Julie goes to her mother’s house, depressed because she thinks Harry stood her up, while Harry rushes to the diner. Once at the diner Harry finds out that he missed Julie by a couple HOURS, so he tries calling her on the payphone outside. Unable to reach her, Harry decides to cut his losses, get some breakfast, and try to make amends later in the morning.

And then the payphone rings.

Having nothing better to do, Harry answers it. On the other end is a frantic voice who tells Harry (thinking that he’s the caller’s father) that the missile base that he is stationed at in North Dakota has just launched its warheads – the missiles will reach their targets in 45 minutes and the Soviets’ retaliation will reach us in 70. At first Harry thinks the whole thing is a joke and tries to write it off as such when a gunshot is heard and a new voice tells him, “Forget what you’ve heard and go back to sleep.”

Now fully convinced that the proverbial end is nigh, Harry informs the other patrons of the diner of what just has happened. Of them a stock broker with a cellular phone (a rarity in 1988, folks) informs them that quite a few of her colleagues who run around in the political circles have inexplicably left for the southern hemisphere. So any doubt that Harry may have had about his mysterious caller’s story begins to fade away by the minute. Now he has to figure out two things: how to get out of the city in 70 minutes and to a safe location, and how to take the love of his life with him.

Remember the 80’s folks? When all we had to worry about was nuclear war? Now things are much more stable – we don’t have to worry about an equally armed country with a competing ideology to rub noses with. Gone are the days where we had to fret about fallout and bomb shelters. Nope, nowadays it’s much more peaceful with all the religious fanatics and biological agents being spread about.

This movie is pretty dated, folks. Both the music (provided by Tangerine Dream, no less) and the fashions really slap you in the face that it’s a product of the 1980’s. Not to say that it’s necessarily a negative on it’s part. After all, with the collapse of the Berlin Wall went the cliché of the post-nuclear war or pre-nuclear war thriller. (Unfortunately the idea of nuclear war is still pretty realistic, it’s that the players have changed slightly – China still has warheads trained on us.) But it's a movie about nuclear disaster, not politics - the Russians barely get mentioned as people are more worried about how they're going to survive (patriotism isn't going to shield you from a blast wave, folks.)

Miracle Mile is a great movie because of how small it starts. It’s not like most of the World War III films of its time where the impending nuclear holocaust is broadcast over the airwaves and there’s already panic in the streets. Here the threat of attack still has a current of doubt swirling through it. After all, it was just some random phone call – what if our mysterious messenger was part of a drill? What if it really was a prank? It’s amazing what can happen with a rumor, however and the more the movie progresses the more the fear spreads. (One other thing to note is that the movie is mostly in real time, so once the 70-minute mark has been reached things have completely gone apeshit.)

Line of the movie: “You better brush your teeth every day, kids, or in 15,000 years you’re gonna look like that.”

Four stars. Please share my umbrella.

Raging Bull (1980)

Starring: Robert De Niro, Cathy Moriarty, Joe Pesci, Frank Vincent, Nicholas Colasanto, Theresa Saldana

First, The Lowdown: A middle-weight boxer spends as much of his life fighting outside of the ring as in it.

“…The good fighter will be terrible in his onset, and prompt in his decision”

Sun Tzu, The Art Of War

Boxing as a sport is something I’ve never personally understood, only conceptually. The idea of two men stepping into a ring and pummeling each other until one submits or passes out from his injuries has never had very much of an appeal to me. But as with other sports, while I might not consider myself a fan I definitely like looking at the cultural impact boxing has had on our society. Much of our cultural language – both verbal and otherwise – comes from the pugilistic arts. As an organized sport it’s over a century old (just barely seconding to pro baseball by about 30 years), and has since evolved from gloved “gentlemen’s matches” to the full contact melees of Ultimate Fighting.

Jake LaMotta is a middle-weight boxer that enjoys fighting – period. The thrill of a fight is almost like a drug to the man, and oftentimes he will stretch out a fight to remain in the conflict. In the movie’s opening match, Jake is showing signs of wear at the 10^th round of a brutal match. With only seconds to spare, he rebounds suddenly to brutalize his opponent, but it’s not enough – he loses by Technical Knock-Out when the round ends.

Jake’s love of conflict doesn’t end there, though. At home he frequently belittles his wife and starts arguments with her for no apparent reason. The only person who seems to be able to corral his passionate temper is Joey, Jake’s brother. Joey knows that it’s Jake’s rage that fuels his bouts and keeps him on his feet. Like a vitalizing draught, Jake’s anger is what keeps him alive in the ring.

Having separated from his wife, Jake turns his eyes toward Vickie, a teenage beauty in his neighborhood. The two fall in love and quickly get married. For a while it appears that Jake may have finally achieved the balance between passion in his relationship and rage in the boxing ring that he so desperately needed.

Both nothing ever truly lasts, and after winning match after match, Jake is still nowhere near fighting for the middleweight championship that he truly desires. Unfortunately the only way he can do so is by kowtowing to the mafia family that controls the boxing organization. This point of contention unbalances him even more, leading him to take out his frustration on both his wife and brother again. Finally in frustration, Jake lays his hands down and throws a match – a move that opens him up to investigation by both the boxing commission and the FBI. The move proves beneficial though – after his suspension, Jake is allowed to fight for the title and wins it.

Raging Bull is a movie that multiple people had recommended to me previously, but I didn’t know much about it. Mostly I came to it knowing that it was a biopic of Jake LaMotta without really knowing who the person was or what the movie was about. Summarizing it as the tale of a “burnt-out boxer” is like saying that 2001: A Space Odyssey is about space.

De Niro’s portrayal of LaMotta isn’t a terribly sympathetic one, but it’s one of the few instances where the audience isn’t supposed to empathize with the focal character in order to be drawn into the story. LaMotta is a perfect example of how one can be too talented at one thing – his mastery of boxing has made him a legend in the ring, but nearly an animal everywhere else.

Line of the movie: “You didn't get me down, Ray.”

Five stars. Take it like a man.

Knocked Up (2007)

Starring: Seth Rogen, Katherine Heigl, Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann, Jason Siegel, Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill

First, The Lowdown: If the movie’s title doesn’t give you a clue, you need to read something else.

I’m going to do something here that you probably won’t see too often in a movie review and that is: divulge a rather intimate moment of my personal life. (Don’t break out the hand lotion just yet, boyo, it ain’t that kind of intimate.) My youngest daughter was not a planned birth. Hell, I hadn’t even been married to her mother at the time she was conceived. But one magic evening when we were camping on Memorial Day weekend (and after plenty of intoxicants), my then-fiancée and I went back to our tent for some canoodling and completely ignored the fact that we hadn’t renewed her birth control for about a month. Believe it or not, I was actually pretty cognizant of what I was doing at the time, however, and while I probably was more than a little artificially emboldened (thank you Bushmill’s), the main thought I had when I was in congress was “Hey, I’m gonna marry her anyway and I think I’d make a pretty good dad.” Nine months later I bore witness to the happiest thing in my life (far surpassing the orgy I had a month after my birthday.)

Ben Stone is a simple guy with simple goals. His main passions in life are drinking, smoking pot, re-enacting Jackass stunts with his roomies, and cataloguing all actress’ nude appearances in film to put up on a pay website. Alison, by contrast is locked into a steady career as a floor director for the E! Network. She still lives with her sister Debbie and brother in law Pete and their two children. While Alison adores her nieces, she views her sister’s marriage as something to avoid.

After a busy day of wrangling Hollywood talent and corralling Ryan Seacrest, Alison is promoted to an on-camera position as interviewer. Hearing the good news, Alison and Debbie go out clubbing to celebrate. Ben and crew are at the same club, however – probably just to drink. Ben comes to Alison’s rescue at the bar when the bartender refuses to take their order and pretty soon they start talking. And drinking. And talking. And more drinking. And – well you know the rest if you understand the meaning of the movie’s title. The morning after they part company thinking nothing more of it and not really expecting to see each other at all in the near future.

Fast forward two months. Alison is now throwing up everywhere (but not on James Franco during a interview, dammit) and suddenly realizes that she can’t remember the last period she had. (“How does she look right now? She looks like she just realized that she’s pregnant.”) A fevered trip to the grocery store (and trying EVERY over-the-counter test known to man) only confirms her suspicions and now she has to call Ben and give him the news. A visit to the Ob-Gyn only seals the deal. Now Alison has to figure out whether she can have a baby and a career and Ben has to figure out if he can deal with Alison having his baby.

I wasn’t expecting to enjoy this movie as much as I did, honestly. Most of the times I avoid over-hyped comedies (I’m looking at you “American Pie”), but I was pleasantly surprised to watch something that was not only consumer-friendly but was pretty well written. If anything I appreciated that the characters aren’t one note, nor did their development seem contrived. I also appreciated that as a lead Ben was goofy, but not entirely stoopid either. It’s nice to know that unplanned pregnancy can be treated with levity in film without it digressing into parody or saccharine drivel.

Line of the movie: “Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply of condoms if you weren't gonna use 'em, man?”

Four stars. Don’t let your meat loaf.

All About My Mother (1999)

(Originally released as Todo Sobre Mi Madre)

Starring: Cecilia Roth, Marisa Peredes, Candela Pena, Antonia San Juan, Penelope Cruz, Rosa Maria Sarda

“When God hands you a gift, he also hands you a whip; and the whip is intended for self-flagellation solely.” - Truman Capote

First The Lowdown: A woman returns to the life she fled after her son dies.

Manuela works as a transplant nurse at the local hospital. In the event of brain death, the doctors try to implore the next of kin to allow them to euthanize an otherwise irreversibly comatose person so that they may use the vital organs for transplants. Her teenage son, Esteban, is an avid writer who is fascinated by Manuela's life before she had him – especially since she never talks about his father.

On Esteban's birthday he insists on watching one of Manuela's seminars where she plays the role of an aggrieved family member who a doctor must try to convince her to give her consent so that they may euthanize a loved on and donate his organs. Later in the evening, Manuela annd Esteban watch Streetcar Named Desire. Estaban is enamored with Huma Rojo, the leading actress and insists on getting her autograph. Huma speeds away in a cab before he has the chance, however. Not to be outdone Esteban chases after it on foot and is hit by a car.

At the hospital Manuela finds herself on the receiving end of a speech she has witnessed many times.

Three weeks later, Manuela is still burdened by the loss of her son. She reads his diary obsessively and in an abortive attempt to be close to him, she tracks down the whereabouts of the recipient of Esteban's heart. Knowing that the temptation to look at her son's files will be too great, Manuela goes to Barcelona – where she last saw Esteban's father.

The first place she heads to is “The Field” - where the local whores ply their trade. There she finds Agrado – a transsexual she knew from ages past. While catching up on old news Manuela hears that Lola, a transvestite as well as mutual acquaintance and former roommate of Agrado, has recently left town – after stealing Agrado's money and valuables. Manuela has her own grudge against Lola, but she won't elaborate on it. Agrado allows her to stay and introduces her to Rosa, a nun who aids the prostitutes in the Field.

Rosa has problems of her own. As part of her work, she is supposed to provide assistance to the local whores, but found herself seduced by Lola – and is now carrying her child. In fear of having either her order or her parents from finding out, Rosa has volunteered to join a nunnery in El Salvador, replacing two nuns that had been murdered.

While waiting for Rosa, Manuela sees an advert for Huma Rojo's production of Streetcar which had just arrived in Barcelona. After watching yet another performance, Manuela approaches Huma in her dressing room. Huma's costar, Nina, has also been serving as her assistant – but Nina's addiction to heroin has made her unreliable. Huma is taken in by Manuela's matter of fact attitude and offers her a job replacing Nina as her assistant.

Much like Almodovar's other work, All About My Mother is heavily layered and seems to be multiple movies with similar characters. In this film he seems to borrow heavily from Tennessee Williams with constant references to both Streetcar Named Desire and All About Eve (Huma's has based her entire life in adulation of Bette Davis). In a Eve-like twist, Manuela replaces Nina's role during a performance. The thing that makes Almodovar so unique, however, is that he freely uses other source material here without plagiarizing it. The characters that stand out the most are the ones who defy conventions – Manuela's past, Agrado's gender change, Huma's immersion into Bette Davis. This is a not a family film, but rather a film about how families are put together in spite of their gender or lineage.

Line of the movie: “Lola is the worst of a man. And the worst of a woman.”

Five stars. Drink your Ovaltine.

Le Samourai (1967)

Starring: Alain Delon, Francois Perier, Nathalie Delon, Caty Rosier, Jacques Leroy, Michel Boisrond

First, the Lowdown: A French hitman suddenly finds himself a target.

Jef leads a solitary life. The only other occupant of his sparse apartment is a small finch in a cage. Leaving his home, he walks the streets waiting for a car to steal. He takes it to a garage in the outskirts. The garage owner switches the car's plates and then hands Jef a gun. He takes the tainted car to the apartment of Jane, a woman he has been seeing behind the back of her fiance. Once there he tells her when he has arrived and how long he's stayed there, but Jane tells him that her fiance is arriving that night. So Jef alters his story by 15 minutes and then leaves. He arrives at a dingy hotel and checks in with a group of men playing cards. (“Bring cash, in case you lose,” one jests.) Jef leaves the men to their game and finally arrives at a night club. After surveying the club, he sneaks into the back office and shoots the club owner. As he leaves the scene of the murder, the first person he sees in the corridor is Valerie, the pianist of the club's jazz ensemble. Jef makes a hasty departure that catches the attention of a barman and the coat-check girl of the club. The job now completed, Jef disposes of both the gun and his stolen car, then returns to Jane's apartment about 5 minutes before Wiener, Jane's fiance, arrives – and then leaves with enough emphasis to the other man know he was there.

Back at the club, the police are scouring the murder scene for clues. The Superintendent requests 20 suspects from every precinct, knowing that the longer they take to investigate, the more likely they'll lose the killer. During the sweep, Jef is picked up at the card game in the hotel because he matches the loose description of the killer: young, wearing a raincoat and hat. At the central precinct over a hundred men are grilled as to their whereabouts, a handful are picked out for having a weapon on their person. In a line-up Jef is recognized by two of the club patrons – but not by Valerie. The police call in Jane and Wiener for questioning, Jane however stands by her story that Jef was with her during the time of the murder. The superintendent doesn't believe it, however. But even after thorough questioning, the police are forced to let Jef go.

Out on the street, the police have Jef tailed, but he loses them on the Metro. Later in the day he meets up with his contact to receive the other half of his payment for the hit – but the man tries to kill him because he was arrested. In the scuffle, Jef gets shot in the arm and the courier escapes. Back at police headquarters, the superintendent is more determined than ever to arrest Jef, but he has no evidence. So now Jef must sidestep the police on his tail and his trigger-happy former employers. Yet beyond all of that lies the question: why did the only eyewitness to the crime refuse to finger him?

Le Samourai is a superb movie. For a movie that's only an hour and 45 minutes, it feels longer than that – and I mean that in a good way. Much is communicated by expression and action, where most other directors would use dialog to further the plot. And yet without being explicitly told anything about our main character, Jef, we learn so much about his character without having it spoon-fed to us.

And for a movie with so little in the way of actual spoken dialog, there are very few characters that could be considered one-dimensional. The more we see Jef, our hitman, in action, the more we realize that he adheres to a strict code of business ethics – one, as he eventually learns, is not shared by the people who hired him. And yet none of this is told by Jef to any of the other characters explicitly – rather it's demonstrated by his actions.

It's director Jean-Pierre Melville's ability to show his audience the story instead of telling it to us that is something one rarely finds in cinema anymore. No more than the barest minimum is said by the actors, and even then when it is absolutely necessary. It's become an obsession of modern action directors to bombard the audience with casual-sounding dialog in replacement of actual storytelling. I think a lot of action movies would benefit from using the action to play out the story instead of contrived speech.

Line of the movie: “I never lose. Not really.”

Five stars. Ribbed for her pleasure.

Fitzcarraldo (1982)

Starring: Klaus Kinski, Jose Lewgoy, Miguel Angel Fuentes, Paul Hittscher, Huerequeque Enriqu Bohorguez

First, the Lowdown: A man of limited means is determined to build an opera house in the Peruvian jungle.

Brian Sweeney Fitzgerald has a vision. Initially sent to Peru to oversee the building of its railroad, he was forced to find work in order to earn money. But beyond all of that is his love of the opera. Upon hearing that Enrico Caruso is playing at the opera house in Manaus, Brian speeds down the river as fast as he could, only to have his engine break down after the curtain rises. Brian and his girlfriend, Molly, plead with the footman to let them in – he does, with the insistence that they remain at the back and not say anything. They arrive just as the finale reaches his climax during which Caruso gestures at him on his final note. Brian sees it as a sign to finally build his dream, “Fitzcarraldo” an opera house set in the jungle.

Returning back to the city of Iquitos, Brian plays his gramophone for his audience: a flock of native children and their pet pig. His only means of income is making ice – an industry that he sees a future in, but unfortunately no one else does. Brian implores to Don Aquilino, a local rubber baron, to help him apply for a patent so that he can make ice industrially (and finance his opera house), but Aquilino scoffs at the idea. Infuriated, Brian barricades himself in the town's church until they agree to build an opera house. The police take a dim view of his method of petition and lock him up

Brian's stay in jail is cut down from two weeks to two days because his audience, the children, had been spending all of their time praying for him outside the jail. Moved by this display, the police chief has him released. Once out he plans to host a party with Molly. Molly runs the local bordello and makes sure that her ladies are always clean and cater to the upper class, so it should be no trouble to get the local industrialists to arrive. At the party, he talks further with Don Aquilino, who seems obsessed with the idea of losing money. Aquilino isn't so desperate to get rid of his fortune to just give Brian the financing he needs, but is very envious of how Brian was bankrupted by the railroad project. Brian's plan to woo the gentry with his gramophone is derailed, however, and he is mocked by them.

Aquilino owns a giant portion of property, where his men harvest latex to make rubber. But there is a portion that has yet to be exploited because it is inaccessible by steamship due to rapids – and also crosses through the territory of some overly cautious natives. Brian borrows money from Molly and uses it to buy the unclaimed territory and a ship. Aquilino helps him assemble a crew. The major reason why the plot of land Brian purchased had gone unclaimed is that there is no way to get a boat to the nearby trading river. However, Brian intends to boat down the river, and move the ship over a small finger of land (that's mostly a mountain) to access that area.

This movie has been compared a lot with Coppola's Apocalypse Now. Most especially because they shared the same problems with casting, locations, and crew. (Some of the crew had been called away to fight in a war with the Colombians.) The production is lush, and much of it is shot beautifully. Kinski does his usual bug-eyed crazy man routine through the film, yet manages not to leave teethmarks on the scenery. My major problem with the film is its pacing. Quite honestly, I think this is one of the few occasions where a movie could have benefited from less detail rather than more. Many of the shots are lovely, but the linger too long – almost as if director Herzog lost his train of thought as he was shooting them.

Another movie that Fitzcarraldo has been compared to is Herzog's own Aguirre, the Wrath of God. And they share many elements there as well: a madman takes upon a Sisyphean task in the middle of the jungle, enlists in a crew that share that vision, and ultimately loses everything. Personally, I think a better film would have been made if Herzog didn't get so hung up on the scenery.

Line of the movie: “The reality of your world is nothing more than a rotten caricature of great opera.”

Three stars. Stop picking at it.

Equilibrium (2002)

Starring: Christian Bale, Sean Bean, Sean Pertwee, William Fichtner, Taye Diggs, Emily Watson

First, the Lowdown: In the future, emotion is outlawed – again.

There is a difference between acknowledging a piece of work's importance and understanding its significance. More on this later.

In the early part of the 21^st century, according to some self-important narration, the Third World War broke out. Civilization was shattered, the human race brought to the brink of extinction, blah, blah, blah. The survivors have a revelation that human nature itself is our own weakness, and thusly our own downfall. In response, they created an organization called the Tetragrammaton , whose Clerics are charged with the task of prosecuting and eradicating anything that generates strong emotion (art, music, books, etc.) and those who allow themselves to emote in any way at all.

In the shattered outskirts of the city-state of Librium, a group of men huddle around varied objects of art, allowing their emotive selves to stretch out without fear of exposure. The repose is short lived, as the police show up. Exchanging their treasures for firearms a melee ensues, with man after man falling under the bullets of authority. Another car arrives to the scene and two men step out, their faces devoid of expression. They are the Grammaton Clerics, specialists in their field, and are there to take out anyone the police cannot handle. The resistors have barricaded themselves behind a heavy door and refuse to leave. One of the Clerics orders the other men to shoot out the lightbulbs in the hall they occupy at the same time they blow open the door. Drawing a pair of pistols, he bursts through the door just as it is blown open. After a flurry of gunfire, the lights go out, leaving the resistors confused. A few more moments pass then the Cleric opens fire - hitting each man exactly. Having killed all the men present, the Clerics search the dwelling for contraband. They uncover a cache of hidden items underneath a Persian carpet – paintings, books, records. A field expert arrives and analyzes a sample portrait, the Mona Lisa, and authenticates it. Having found what they were looking for, they Cleric orders the whole lot incinerated.

On the way back, Preston (our lead Cleric) notices that his partner has a book tucked into his pocket. When Preston asks why his partner didn't leave it to be collected and logged, he tells him that he wanted to take it personally because the collection team sometimes misses things. The pair returns back to Libria, an immence city complex walled off from the outside ruins. Everything is gray and functional, its citizens wearing only the most modest clothing, leading unexceptional lives. Throughout the city, Father – the leader of Libria, praises the citizenry for embracing the cure for all their ills: Prozium. Prozium is a psychoactive that flattens people emotionally: no longer is there rage or violence or depression, but there is no elation either. During everyone's daily routine, the populous is constantly watched as police with automatic weapons scan for any sign of extreme emotion, and all are required to take regular doses of Prozium at proscribed intervals – bringing activity to a brief halt as people pause to inject the drug into a convenient vein.

At the Tetragrammaton building, Preston is debriefed by Vice Councilor Dupont, second only to Father. Dupont lauds Preston's almost supernatural ability to find “sense offenders” and inquires about his family. While Preston has a son and a daughter, his wife was incarcerated and executed for “sense crime.” Preston did not report her however, it was another concerned person. Dupont seems puzzled that the best agent of the Clerics could not have foreseen this. At his desk, Preston analyzes a recorded conversation between his partner and him earlier in the day and notes the other man's puzzled mien. His partner asked when the Clerics were going to stop and how long it was going to take until nothing is left. Following up on his hunch, Preston checks in with the collection unit to see if the book his partner was carrying was returned – only to find that his partner has never returned ANY evidence from a raid. Apparently his partner has been leaving the city to go to the “Nether” (the outlaying ruins) for weeks under the guise of official business. Preston tracks him to an abandoned church and tries to reason with him, but ultimately kills him for being a sense offender.

Almost immediately Preston is given a new partner, Brandt, who has also been described as intuitive by his superiors. Brandt sees the new opportunity as a career advancing move and looks forward to achieve the kind of status that Preston touts. At home, Preston's son tells him that he saw a classmate crying in the hall and asks if he should be reported. Preston beds down for the night and dreams of his belated wife and her arrest.

The next day as he freshens up in the bathroom, Preston accidentally knocks his last dose of Prozium onto the floor where it breaks. His son witnesses this and orders his father to report the Equilibrium Center to replace his dose. Preston dutifully complies, but the closest facility was bombed by terrorists, and his over-eager partner picks him up for a raid before Preston can find the nearby facility. The raid is at a woman's apartment, Mary, who has been hoarding contraband in a secret room. During the proceedings, Preston finds himself taken aback when he gets angry at the woman for skipping her dosages of Prozium, and then later when Mary grabs hold of a pistol, when he prevents Brandt from killing her. During her interrogation, Mary asks Preston what the purpose of his existence is, but he gives a circular and half-hearted answer.

That evening, Preston skips yet another dose and wakes frightened from his sleep. He looks up at his window and sees the sun rising. Desperate, he tears down the filtering screen against the glass pane and sees the beauty of the sunrise, only to realize with horror that he is feeling. He is on the brink of dosing himself when he thinks better of it and allows himself to fall into the addiction of emotion.

Like I mentioned before before there is a difference between emulating something and comprehending it. Director Kurt Wimmer seems to have understood the importance of dystopian fiction, but doesn't seem to quite get WHY it's so important. In the first fifteen minutes he pilfers 1984, Brave New World and Fahrenheit 451 with the same sloppy methodology as a kindergartner that's making a collage out of your favorite magazines. Just because people like ninjas, pirates, and monkeys doesn't mean that a movie with monkey ninja-pirates will come off terribly well in the theaters.

Inexplicably, this movie has a fairly solid cast with one exception – Taye Diggs. I like him as an actor, but the only way I can describe his character in this movie is “flamboyantly unemotional.” The man simply CANNOT withhold himself and every time he has a close up, his deadpan expression melts into a caricature of itself, as if inwardly he's thinking “I'm being SO expressionless right now. Check out, Mr. Spock over here! I've got zero emotion right now!”

As with other movies I've seen, this could've been done much better if the director didn't rely so much on the material that he was plagiarizing. Kurt Wimmer tries making the film both a “thinker” and “action-packed” - but has no inspiration behind either. The thinking aspects are all archetypes that have been hammered to the ground hundreds of times before and aren't presented with even a modest attempt to put a new spin on them. Conversely, the action sequences seem to all spawn from the “wouldn't it look cool if they did this?” variety, but unfortunately it keeps crossing the line from barely plausible to utterly silly. Plus, I don't think it a good sign that I got bored during a gunfight. Most of the moves were inspired by “The Matrix”; however unlike that movie, it's the ACTION that looks contrived, rather than the philosophy.

There are a few good moments in the film, but they only last a few seconds. A great scene has the Clerics raiding a compound only to find a kennel with dogs in the back. Confused, Brandt asks if the resistance has been using them for food when it's obvious to the audience that they aren't because pets (and the emotional attachment they give) would be illegal in that society. But such things are few and far between and quickly get eclipsed by Wimmer's technical incompetency (a significant plot point is ruined because two major scenes are shown in the wrong order) and lackluster script control (there's no emotion in Libria, but apparently people still swear?). Once again I wonder how this would've been handled in more capable hands.

Line of the movie: “If we keep burning all this contraband, eventually there won't be anything left to burn. What'll there be for men like us?” You'll probably have to take up knitting, pard.

Two stars. Chew slowly.

Aguirre, The Wrath Of God (1972)

(Originally released as Aguirre, Der Zorn Gottes)

Starring: Klaus Kinski,

First, the Lowdown: A madman leads a party of conquistadors in search of El Dorado.

Before the Spanish came, the Inca (much like the Aztecs and Mayans) thought of themselves as the pinnacle of civilization. Both culturally and scientifically advanced over their primitive cousins in the surrounding jungles, they felt secure in their magnificence. Then Francisco Pizarro came, with hundreds of soldiers – all armed with gunpowder, refined steel, and influenza. Soon even the leaders of the Inca were now humbled by this unstoppable threat. This is probably why they encouraged the rumors of El Dorado.

El Dorado, or “the Gilded One”, actually refers to a mythical ritual in which a priest would cover himself with gold dust as an offering to the local goddess as well as tossing gold craft work into a lagoon as sacrifice. This later would be interpreted as a folk tale of a hidden land, much like Avalon or Atlantis. The Inca never really believed in a lost palace made entirely of gold, it just made a good story to tell the foreigners. After being culled by the gold-crazed Spanish, it probably wasn't hard to revive the old legend and place a new spin on it. Rather than being a fabled lagoon with gold sacrifices piled on its floor, the Inca claimed it was an actual place. My guess is that it started as a practical joke that quickly got out of hand; and before long, many of the scholarly saw it as a way of disposing of the Spanish once and for all. Rather than having the arrogant and grabby Spaniards plundering their homelands and enslaving their people, why not point them in a vague direction along the Amazon and have them fall prey to the dangers of the inhospitable jungle and brutal natives that lived there?

In 1560, a party of explorers lead by Gonzalo Pizarro (Francisco’s half-brother) decided to search of this legendary city themselves. So confident in his ability to dominate the New World, Pizarro set about this expedition with a multitude of slaves, soldiers, clergy, servants, lackeys, artillery and women. As we watch them make their way down a steep and treacherous mountain path, we see how mistaken they were – one of their cannons falls to the side and explodes. To underscore just how much they underestimated the surrounding land when they approach the Amazon, they find it a raging torrent of muddy water. Undeterred, Pizarro is resolute in finding a way across; Aguirre, one of his lieutenants, disagrees.

It's only later when they realize how right Aguirre was. The native guides begin to die of pneumonia (probably brought over from the Spanish) and the further they trudge into the jungle, the more they become bogged down by the mud. Eventually Pizarro himself has misgivings about their quest. After much consideration, Pizarro assembles forty of his men and assigns them the task of traveling down the river to scout ahead, find food, and hopefully more information about the whereabouts of El Dorado. They must return in a week, however, otherwise he will call the entire expedition off. Among his men he chooses: Ursua (who will be accompanied by his wife Inez), Aguirre (who will be accompanied by his daughter, Flores), Guzman (a noble descendant of the Castilian royal house) and Brother Gaspar de Carvajal whose diary provides the narration for this journey.

It isn't long until trouble starts. On the first day of the journey, one of the rafts gets caught in an eddy by the shore and the men on board cannot free themselves from it. Ursua sends a group of men to help them out (a process that will take a day or two), but Aguirre wants to leave them and press onwards. In the night shots ring out and the next day the group finds the men on the raft dead, shot by their own muskets. Ursua orders that the men's bodies be brought back for a Christian burial, which rankles Aguirre for its inefficiency. In defiance, Aguirre tells one of his men to clean out the cannon they brought with them – by firing it at the raft carrying the dead men's bodies.

The next morning they group awakes to find that the river has swollen by 15 feet and their rafts have drifted off! Aguirre orders the men to cut down trees for lumber and salvage any spare metal they can for nails to make a new raft, but Ursua wants to cut his losses and go back. Aguirre is determined on finding El Dorado, though, and he organizes a mutiny among the men. Further emboldened, Aguirre appoints Guzman as the Emperor of El Dorado once they find it. However, as they travel along, it becomes more and more obvious that Aguirre is the one in control.

As a summary, the movie sounds almost inspired, but as a movie itself, it left me with much to be desired. Director Werner Herzog is very technically accomplished and his shots are lovely as usual. But for a movie that's barely 90 minutes, it feels about twice as long. And in some ways it works in the film's favor, a perilous journey plods along gruelingly and takes us along with it. In doing so however, my temperament went from “this is an interesting way to portray a doomed expedition” to “this is boring me to tears.” At one point I found myself craving action of some kind, to be only lukewarmly rewarded by a siege of a village – which already had been deserted. In short, I didn't find this movie nearly as gripping as a later film which would borrow much from it: Apocalypse Now.

Line of the movie: “You know, my child, for the good of our Lord, the Church was always on the side of the strong.”

Three stars. Now an excellent source of fiber!

Solaris (1972)

(Originally released as: Solyaris)

Starring: Natalya Bondarchuk, Donatas Banionis, Juri Jarvet, Vladislav Dvorzhetsky, Nikolai Grinko

First, the Lowdown: A scientist travels to an alien world, and finds his dead wife.

At the banks of a silent brook stands a man. His name is Kris Kelvin – a “Solarist”. He studies the data that is currently being gathered from a far off planet, called Solaris. But Kris's work has tapered off some, every day he takes a walk around the forests outside his father's house. A car approaches the house carrying Burton, another Solarist, and his son.

Burton has a tape of a recorded statement he gave to the investigating counsel over ten years ago about Solaris. A scientific party landed on the planet and began surveying its vast ocean lead by a Dr. Fechner. They never returned. The remaining scientific crew sent out a search party to look for the missing men, all returned in a timely manner except for one helicopter – piloted by Burton. An hour after nightfall, Burton's helicopter returned. Once back on the station, Burton immediately ran to his quarters and refused to leave. Eventually, he relaxed a little, but refused to look out any windows looking out over the ocean. While on his search mission, Burton became trapped in a fog. Looking down at the planet's surface, he noticed that all tidal activity had stopped and that islands appeared to form on the water's surface. Islands with acacias and flowers which quickly dissolved. Burton tried to record this activity, but all the camera would pick up were cloud formations. Later Burton found a body floating in the ocean, with another figure next to it. The other figure was a child, that looked like Fechner's son – only 14 feet tall. The counsel felt that Burton's experience was more hallucination brought about by fatigue, illness, or the magnetic waves that Solaris has been known to put out (and are theorized to be thought patterns.)

Solaristics as a science is in jeopardy – the mountain of data is disjointed and incoherent. The original research staff of 80 has been pared down to three – and their sporadic reports are even more confusing. The counsel is on the brink of closing off all Solaris research permanently, so Burton has asked Kelvin to go to Solaris and evaluate the situation. Kelvin is reluctant to leave, however, as his elderly father is sick with a terminal illness and may not live out the year. Furthermore, Kris knows that the counsel only wants a justification to shut the research station down, but also feels that Solaritics is at a stalemate because of irresponsible daydreaming. It is Kelvin's own father, though, that insists he go – instead on brooding over his research here on earth.

Kelvin arrives a the station and finds no one is there to greet him, let alone guide his spacecraft in for a landing. The station corridors are a mess, instruments are in poor repair, and of the three men stationed only two remain – Snaut and Sartorius. The third scientist, Gilbarian, killed himself. Kelvin finds Snaut in his quarters, singing. Something in Snaut's hammock is making it sway back and forth. Before Kris can say anything, Snaut hurredly tells him to settle into quarters of his own and return in the morning.

In Gilbarian's quarters, Kris finds a recorded message left for him. In it a distressed Gilbarian talks about Sartorius's decision to bombard the Solaris ocean with radiation. To which the planet reacted with magnetic waves of its own. Wanting further answers, Kelvin seeks out Sartorius at his quarters, but he too tells him to come back tomorrow.

In the corridor, Kelvin sees a young girl. But when he tries following her, she disappears. He approaches Snaut about this occurrance, but Snaut tells him to relax. Frustrated, Kelvin returns to Gilbarian's message to finish watching it – and sees the young girl from the corridor come into the frame. Gilbarian shoves her out of the way and tells says that her presence is not madness, but something to do with consciousness.

Kris beds down for the night and wakes up at dawn to find a young woman, Hari - his wife who had committed suicide 10 years ago. She kisses him awake, but he soon realizes that he's now dreaming and panics. Especially since he blocked the door shut. So no one could get in. Hari tells Kris that she feels like she has forgotten something.

Still unnerved by the apparition of his dead wife, Kris tries to leave the room, but Hari protests. Under the pretense of leaving the station together, Kris lures Hari into a rocket and launches it (nearly incinerating himself in the process). Snaut finds Kelvin in his quarters and tells him that the “guests” that have been plaguing the station appeared after probing the ocean with x-rays. He also tells Kelvin that it doesn't matter how he tries to dispose of Hari, she will come back. Desperate to leave the station, Kelvin asks Snaut if he would sign a report to liquidate the station. Snaut demurs because of the possibility of finally making complete contact with the alien consciousness of Solaris.

The next evening, Hari returns to Kelvin's room.

This movie has been called “Russia's answer to 2001” and it's understandable. Where Kubrick's 2001 was about transcending the fetters of tools so that one's consciousness may evolve, Solaris emphasizes loosening one's sense of duty so that one's heart may transcend. It's a pretty powerful statement to make in the Soviet Union at that time, Kruschev was hardlining the benefits of duty to society, so to have a filmmaker call that into question back then was a pretty bold step. Like 2001, Solaris takes a pretty languid pace (almost TOO languid for some, its running time is almost three hours). Unlike, 2001, it is not terribly effects heavy. Most of the budget seemed to go towards the set of the Solaris research platform itself which looks very utilitarian.

As I mentioned before, the problem most people have with this movie is its running time. Tartakovsky seems to take his time moving from scene to scene. In many ways his filming style is almost too observational – scenes linger on background minutiae much like one would if they were watching the same situation. (Think about how often your eyes wander everywhere during the course of the day.) Unlike most people, I rather like the way the movie is paced because it allows the weight of everything that is said to sink in. (Plus it's relieving to watch a film where you aren't going to be constantly bombard with “Oooh! Check out the special effects!” montages.)

Line of the movie: “They come at night. But one must sleep sometime.”

Five stars. Stay off the moors.

Eternal Sunshine On The Spotless Mind (2004)

Starring: Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Elijah Wood, Mark Ruffalo, Tom Wilkinson, David Cross

First, The Lowdown: A romantic comedy told a la Philip K. Dick.

“Where are all the good men dead? In the heart or in the head?”

Meet Joel. He wakes up on a typical Valentine's Day depressed and alone. To fit with his already desolate state, he notices that a huge gash has been cut into the door panel of his car. While waiting for his morning commute, Joel decides to take a train to the beach and ditch work. Joel doesn't consider himself to be an impulsive person, but the desperation in which he forces his way to the other platform and onto the train makes gives the impression that something important is inspiring him. Opening up his journal to record some random thoughts, he notices that the last two year's entries have been torn out – an act that Joel doesn't remember doing.

Meandering at the beach, Joel sees a woman in orange looking out at the surf. However, his withdrawn nature prevents him from talking with her. At the coffee shop, Joel sees the same woman sitting down a ways from him and watches her slip a bit of booze into her coffee. Waiting for the return train, Joel sees the very same woman in orange heading the same way. On the way back, she strikes up conversation with him, she vaguely recognizes him as a customer at her bookstore. Her name is Clementine, and warns Joel not to joke about her name, but Joel doesn't know any references to it. (The song “My Darling Clementine” is a complete blank to him.) Their conversation ambles along, but when Joel refers to Clementine as “nice”, she closes up. It turns out that Clementine is about as out of sorts today on Valentine's Day as Joel.

Joel drives Clementine back to her apartment and she invites him upstairs for a drink. They talk more which emphasizes how quiet and reserved Joel is with how outgoing and random Clementine is. The next evening, Clementine takes Joel to the Charles – a frozen lake just off of a local highway, and they talk more. Clementine sleeps on the drive back, an all-night affair, and asks Joel if she can sleep over at his place. While Joel waits in his car, a young man knocks on his window and asks why he's there. Joel tells him that he's just waiting. The man walks away, leaving Joel confused.

Now pretend you didn't just read that.

Rewinding back to the day before Valentine's Day, Joel is driving in his car, crying with the forlorn determination of someone who's been thrust into the frontier of solitude. Unknown to him, he is being followed by two men in a van. At the mailboxes, he runs into Frank, a next door neighbor. Frank complains that the only Valentine's Day cards he gets are from his mother and envies Joel for having a Clementine as a girlfriend. Joel notes a letter by Lacuna Inc. and goes up to his apartment. He dresses in a new pair of pajamas and takes a prescription he just purchased. Finally turning off his lights, he passes out on the floor. Seeing the lights turned out, the men in the van, Stan and Patrick, break into Joel's apartment, dragging armloads of equipment with them.

As Joel sleeps, he dreams about the conversation he just had with Frank about Clementine – but it's like watching a badly focused movie which gets even more out of focus until it fades to black. When the scene comes back, Joel is having a conversation that he with his friends, Rob and Carrie, only a few days prior. It turns out that he has been dating Clementine for quite a while, but the relationship imploded on itself when Clementine came home drunk after putting a gash into Joel's car. With Valentine's Day looming, Joel tries to call Clementine, but her phone number is changed. Still wanting to seek resolution, Joel buys an early Valentine's Day gift for her and swings by her workplace – at Barnes & Noble's. However, Clementine not only is there with another (and younger) man, but acts like she doesn't recognize Joel. Distraught, he relays this to his friends and Carrie tries to assure him that he needs to see this as a sign to move on. Rob, however, pulls an envelope from a drawer from Lacuna Inc. In it is a card that states: “Clementine Kruczynski has had Joel Barish erased from her memory. Please never mention their relationship to her again.” Clementine's name fades from the card.

Lacuna Inc. is a service that erases memories of a relationship from a person's mind. Joel was not supposed to see the notice from their office. Dr. Mierzwiak, who invented the process, informs Joel that their files are confidential (so he cannot provide him with evidence) and that Clementine wanted to move on. By undergoing their treatment, she has purged Joel from her memory. Rob and Carrie are not surprised by that decision, however, given Clementine's tendency for exuberance. Now feeling completely left in the lurch, Joel insists to have the procedure done on himself. The first thing that is required is that Joel has to collect everything that reminds himself of Clementine – books, journal entries, photos, clothes, books, CDs, etc. Lacuna will then use those items to create a “map” of his memory. Once the map is established Stan and Patrick, Lacuna's technicians, will come into erase the memories. The idea is that every memory has an established core that keeps it associated; remove that core and the memory begins to atrophy until it is gone. Once done, Joel will wake up afresh without any lingering memories of his lost love.

However, in order for Joel's memories to be erased, he has to re-experience them – which starts with the process that brought him to Lacuna as well as his involvement with them. It also means that for all of the bad memories (arguments, break-up fallout, etc.) Joel also has to relive all of the good memories about Clementine and then have them deleted before his eyes. Even more discomfiting is the fact that Patrick was rather stricken with Clementine when Lacuna came to her place, and has been using the data they erased to try and forge a relationship with her using the good associations she previously had with Joel. As Joel revisits his memories (and watches them die), he finds that he wants to keep them because even the bad ones make the relationship with Clementine whole. So in a bid of desperation, Joel tries to associate her with memories that are completely unrelated to the context, like his early childhood.

And you thought Kurt Vonnegut was fucked up.

The thing that makes this movie so compelling is that it touches on an experience that nearly everyone has had – falling in and out of love. And unlike most Hollywood romances, Joel and Clementine's relationship is not perfect at all, in fact it starts out in the most typically awkward fashion. Their attraction for each other is fueled by their opposing natures, which eventually also causes much of their conflict. So this movie presents us with a very realistic relationship. It also gives a rather Faustian posit: if you could wipe your mind clean of the memory of someone who broke your heart badly, would you do it? Brilliantly the movie begins by showing us the consequences of that choice right off the bat. It's also interesting to note that while both Joel and Clementine managed to completely erase the memories of each other, they hadn't lost attraction for each other. (This fact also rears its head amongst the minor characters also.) Patrick's plagiarized romance with Clementine begins to demonstrate that just because you know someone else's part; it doesn't mean you fit their role. (And it also brings a new meaning to the phrase “identity theft.”) The idea of a memory removal service is also portray rather matter-of-factly. Rather than a shiny medical facility one normally finds in commercials, Lacuna Inc. looks like it's run out of a dentist's office. (Additionally, it brings up how a service might be abused by the over-dependent: the receptionist informs a caller that she cannot have the procedure performed upon her more than three times in a month.)

Ultimately, we're left with the question: if you know the love affair you're about to start is going to be doomed, would you still do it?

Line of the movie: “Where's the self-help section?”

Five stars. Now open 24 hours.

Zatoichi Meets The One-Armed Swordsman (1971)

(Originally released as: Shin Zatoichi: Yabure! Tojin-ken)

Starring: Shintaro Katsu, Wang Yu, Watako Hamaki, Michie Terada, Koji Nambara, Koji Minawara

First, the Lowdown: Two martial arts legends and hilarity ensues.

“Ladies and gentlemen! I know present to you the match of the century! In the red corner, from the warring Manchu states himself, the Monodextrous Marauder – Wang Kang, the One-Armed Swordsman!”

(cheers and applause)

“And in the blue corner, from our very own feudal kingdoms, the Handicapable Hatchetman – Zatoichi, the Blind Warrior!”

(cheers and applause)

“Now let's get ready to RUUUMMMMBLE!!!”

In an empty field a blind man with a cane waits. Finally growing impatient, he calls out to the group of thugs that have been following him since he left a nearby village. The thugs stay back, however, waiting for one of their number to sneak up silently on their quarry. Zatoichi, our blind man, isn't any normal handicapped drifter, however, and picks up a nearby rock and beans the sneaking man on the noggin. Now pissed, the thugs call out to Zatoichi to lure him into a trap, a tied snare. The blind man finds it, but pretends to stumble. Three men charge and quicker than you can say “Ginsu”, Zatoichi disembowels them.

In the following village a family of Chinese circus performers busks for their living. The father juggles spears and hurls them at a target his wife stands in front of. After their performance, they are greeted by Wang Kang, a swordsman also from China who is missing his arm. Wang Kang is looking for the temple of Fukuryu-ji, so that he may study with an old friend of his and avoid the many enemies he's made in his homeland. The performers offer to show him the way there, they have been away from China so long that they crave news from home. The next morning, the group encounters a procession escorting a tribute to one of the feudal lords. The villagers scurry to get out of their way and avoid their sight. Wang Kang, new to Japan, does not understand, but follows suit anyway. The performer’s son, Shaolong, however chases after his kite that blew in the path of the oncoming samurai. Perturbed at the interruption of their escort, they draw their swords to strike the boy down, but Shaolong's mother takes the blow to protect her son. The boy's father steps forward and prevents the man from finishing the job, only to be attacked by a second samurai. Wang Kang will have none of that, though. He makes short work over the men who attacked Shaolong's parents, and quickly dispatches about five others before running off. The samurai leader sends half of his men after Wang Kang in pursuit, but tells the remaining ones to kill all of the witnesses! That way the samurai can claim that some random one-armed Chinese guy went apeshit and started killing people!

Meanwhile, Zatoichi is walking along the same path when he hears Shaolong crying. He has enough time to hear Shaolong's father die. Taking the boy along, the come to the nearby village where Zatoichi finds out that some random one-armed Chinese guy went apeshit and started killing people. The offending man has been chased into a quarry though, and there is a 5 ryo (Japanese gold coins) reward. Unbeknownst to our blind man, two of the thugs that accosted him earlier are still alive and plotting a way to screw him over.

At the quarry, our one-armed swordsman is proving to be a harder catch that previously thought. The pursuing men try to rush him out of a hut that Wang Kang has hidden in, only to find out that he's pretty good in close quarters. So they try smoking him out, only to find out that he's too quick for them to catch either and they lose him in the forest. Wang Kang's flight is interrupted by Zatoichi who is trying to find out where Shaolong can go. Wang Kang is happy to the boy and takes him along, hoping to find Fukuryu-ji. However, he leaves Zatoichi, not trusting. Zatoichi deduces that Wang Kang is the one-armed Chinese guy that the samurai have been searching for, so he follows them to make sure that Shaolong is safe.

He catches up with them at an abandoned shed, and offers them food. However, neither Zatoichi or Wang Kang speak the same language, so they cannot understand each other. After proving that the food is not poisoned, Zatoichi wins them over. Shaolong does know Japanese, though and tells Zatoichi where Wang Kang is headed. Wang Kang asks him to guide them there so they set out in the night.

Needing rest, they come to a house in the middle of the woods. As coincidence would have it, it belongs to Oyo-ne and her father, who saw the samurai attack earlier, but survived by hiding. Both of them recognize the Chinese man and offer the three of them a place to spend the night. Oyo-ne's father tells them that the henchmen of boss Toubei, the head of the local Yakuza, have been combing the countryside. Wang Kang's bounty is now TEN ryo and they're hoppin' mad. Zatoichi then learns of Wang Kang's innocence of the whole affair, which only makes him more determined to help them out.

The next morning, Zatoichi sets out to get supplies. Wang Kang is worried about his departure, though, but still can't understand a word they say. Unknown to Zatoichi, boss Toubei wasn't the only one searching the forest. The two surviving thugs from earlier, their grudges freshly burning, find out that Zatoichi has been helping Wang Kang and in turn report their whereabouts to boss Toubei! While in town, Zatoichi finds out that their cover has been blown and hurries back. However, Toubei is too late. Oyo-ne's parents refuse to talk and die for it. Zatoichi arrives at the house too late, however, and finds the husband and wife dead. Toubei has kidnapped Oyo-ne in the hopes that she'll tell him where Wang Kang is headed, but their interrogation has been interrupted by Zatoichi, who cuts off Toubei's ear and releases her.

Oyo-ne however, doesn't trust Zatoichi, since Toubei has told her that the blind man turned in their folks for the bounty! When she returns to her house, she finds Wang Kang and Shaolong, who have buried her parents out of respect. Wang Kang, however, remembers that the only person who knew about their location was Zatoichi, and he has mysteriously disappeared! Now convinced that Zatoichi sold him out, Wang Kang is determined to avenge the lives of those who helped them.

A one-armed man going up against a blind man sounds like something you'd normally find on YouTube, but I assure you that this is no joke. For the uninitiated, what we have here is the meeting of two legends of Chinese and Japanese martial arts cinema together in the same movie.

First there is Zatoichi, a blind masseur who keeps a sword in his cane. There are a ton of movies circling around him and they usually follow Zatoichi as he wanders from town to town, getting in the middle of stuff and carving people's butts off and serving it back to them, when they think they can take him out because he's blind. Most of the movies have the actor rolling his eyes to appear blind and performing stunts that really are only possible by the sighted (or Daredevil, Man Without Fear). But that's not the point of these movies – the point is to see a blind man slice up some jackass's sweetbreads and dodge the arterial spray that happens.

Second, there is Wang Kang, the One-Armed Swordsman. I can only think of two movies offhand that feature him, The One-Armed Swordsman and Legend of the Flying Guillotine. Both movies focus on Wang Kang and an ever-increasing stack of bizarre enemies and usually climax in a sequence of martial arts sequences so fantastically physics-defying that we barely notice that the actor playing Wang Kang has his “missing” arm stuffed in his shirt. But we're not supposed to care about that, we watch these movies to see Wang Kang crack open a barrel of “Uncle Chang's Most Potent Infusion of Ass Whoopery” on a gang of adversaries that could only be described as dada-esque.

Obviously, if you're a fan of freaktastic fighting, finding out about this movie should be the martial arts fanboy equivalent of Rush Limbaugh being locked in an Oxycodone factory.

Unfortunately, if you're expecting dazzlingly elaborate action set pieces, I'm sorry to say that while the One-Armed Swordsman may have been a Shaw Bros. presentation, this movie is made by Zatoichi's home company, Toho. Thusly the fights are along the line of the “slash and spray” variety that is common in samurai film.

But for such a pulpy story background, the script is very tightly written and captures the personalities of both legends without seeming too contrived. Especially interesting was the decision to make Wang Kang still use his native Chinese as his spoken language. It's because of this language barrier that we reach the crux of this film, and some of the ways that Japanese and Chinese is cross-understood are very amusing. (One scene has Wang Kang saying “Xiexie” or thank you, when Zatoichi offers him water. Zatoichi, however hears it as “Shasha” or the sound of running water.)

Line of the movie: “The dumb and the blind aren't a good combination.”

Five stars. Chop, grate, blend.