Le Samourai (1967)

Starring: Alain Delon, Francois Perier, Nathalie Delon, Caty Rosier, Jacques Leroy, Michel Boisrond

First, the Lowdown: A French hitman suddenly finds himself a target.

Jef leads a solitary life. The only other occupant of his sparse apartment is a small finch in a cage. Leaving his home, he walks the streets waiting for a car to steal. He takes it to a garage in the outskirts. The garage owner switches the car's plates and then hands Jef a gun. He takes the tainted car to the apartment of Jane, a woman he has been seeing behind the back of her fiance. Once there he tells her when he has arrived and how long he's stayed there, but Jane tells him that her fiance is arriving that night. So Jef alters his story by 15 minutes and then leaves. He arrives at a dingy hotel and checks in with a group of men playing cards. (“Bring cash, in case you lose,” one jests.) Jef leaves the men to their game and finally arrives at a night club. After surveying the club, he sneaks into the back office and shoots the club owner. As he leaves the scene of the murder, the first person he sees in the corridor is Valerie, the pianist of the club's jazz ensemble. Jef makes a hasty departure that catches the attention of a barman and the coat-check girl of the club. The job now completed, Jef disposes of both the gun and his stolen car, then returns to Jane's apartment about 5 minutes before Wiener, Jane's fiance, arrives – and then leaves with enough emphasis to the other man know he was there.

Back at the club, the police are scouring the murder scene for clues. The Superintendent requests 20 suspects from every precinct, knowing that the longer they take to investigate, the more likely they'll lose the killer. During the sweep, Jef is picked up at the card game in the hotel because he matches the loose description of the killer: young, wearing a raincoat and hat. At the central precinct over a hundred men are grilled as to their whereabouts, a handful are picked out for having a weapon on their person. In a line-up Jef is recognized by two of the club patrons – but not by Valerie. The police call in Jane and Wiener for questioning, Jane however stands by her story that Jef was with her during the time of the murder. The superintendent doesn't believe it, however. But even after thorough questioning, the police are forced to let Jef go.

Out on the street, the police have Jef tailed, but he loses them on the Metro. Later in the day he meets up with his contact to receive the other half of his payment for the hit – but the man tries to kill him because he was arrested. In the scuffle, Jef gets shot in the arm and the courier escapes. Back at police headquarters, the superintendent is more determined than ever to arrest Jef, but he has no evidence. So now Jef must sidestep the police on his tail and his trigger-happy former employers. Yet beyond all of that lies the question: why did the only eyewitness to the crime refuse to finger him?

Le Samourai is a superb movie. For a movie that's only an hour and 45 minutes, it feels longer than that – and I mean that in a good way. Much is communicated by expression and action, where most other directors would use dialog to further the plot. And yet without being explicitly told anything about our main character, Jef, we learn so much about his character without having it spoon-fed to us.

And for a movie with so little in the way of actual spoken dialog, there are very few characters that could be considered one-dimensional. The more we see Jef, our hitman, in action, the more we realize that he adheres to a strict code of business ethics – one, as he eventually learns, is not shared by the people who hired him. And yet none of this is told by Jef to any of the other characters explicitly – rather it's demonstrated by his actions.

It's director Jean-Pierre Melville's ability to show his audience the story instead of telling it to us that is something one rarely finds in cinema anymore. No more than the barest minimum is said by the actors, and even then when it is absolutely necessary. It's become an obsession of modern action directors to bombard the audience with casual-sounding dialog in replacement of actual storytelling. I think a lot of action movies would benefit from using the action to play out the story instead of contrived speech.

Line of the movie: “I never lose. Not really.”

Five stars. Ribbed for her pleasure.

Fitzcarraldo (1982)

Starring: Klaus Kinski, Jose Lewgoy, Miguel Angel Fuentes, Paul Hittscher, Huerequeque Enriqu Bohorguez

First, the Lowdown: A man of limited means is determined to build an opera house in the Peruvian jungle.

Brian Sweeney Fitzgerald has a vision. Initially sent to Peru to oversee the building of its railroad, he was forced to find work in order to earn money. But beyond all of that is his love of the opera. Upon hearing that Enrico Caruso is playing at the opera house in Manaus, Brian speeds down the river as fast as he could, only to have his engine break down after the curtain rises. Brian and his girlfriend, Molly, plead with the footman to let them in – he does, with the insistence that they remain at the back and not say anything. They arrive just as the finale reaches his climax during which Caruso gestures at him on his final note. Brian sees it as a sign to finally build his dream, “Fitzcarraldo” an opera house set in the jungle.

Returning back to the city of Iquitos, Brian plays his gramophone for his audience: a flock of native children and their pet pig. His only means of income is making ice – an industry that he sees a future in, but unfortunately no one else does. Brian implores to Don Aquilino, a local rubber baron, to help him apply for a patent so that he can make ice industrially (and finance his opera house), but Aquilino scoffs at the idea. Infuriated, Brian barricades himself in the town's church until they agree to build an opera house. The police take a dim view of his method of petition and lock him up

Brian's stay in jail is cut down from two weeks to two days because his audience, the children, had been spending all of their time praying for him outside the jail. Moved by this display, the police chief has him released. Once out he plans to host a party with Molly. Molly runs the local bordello and makes sure that her ladies are always clean and cater to the upper class, so it should be no trouble to get the local industrialists to arrive. At the party, he talks further with Don Aquilino, who seems obsessed with the idea of losing money. Aquilino isn't so desperate to get rid of his fortune to just give Brian the financing he needs, but is very envious of how Brian was bankrupted by the railroad project. Brian's plan to woo the gentry with his gramophone is derailed, however, and he is mocked by them.

Aquilino owns a giant portion of property, where his men harvest latex to make rubber. But there is a portion that has yet to be exploited because it is inaccessible by steamship due to rapids – and also crosses through the territory of some overly cautious natives. Brian borrows money from Molly and uses it to buy the unclaimed territory and a ship. Aquilino helps him assemble a crew. The major reason why the plot of land Brian purchased had gone unclaimed is that there is no way to get a boat to the nearby trading river. However, Brian intends to boat down the river, and move the ship over a small finger of land (that's mostly a mountain) to access that area.

This movie has been compared a lot with Coppola's Apocalypse Now. Most especially because they shared the same problems with casting, locations, and crew. (Some of the crew had been called away to fight in a war with the Colombians.) The production is lush, and much of it is shot beautifully. Kinski does his usual bug-eyed crazy man routine through the film, yet manages not to leave teethmarks on the scenery. My major problem with the film is its pacing. Quite honestly, I think this is one of the few occasions where a movie could have benefited from less detail rather than more. Many of the shots are lovely, but the linger too long – almost as if director Herzog lost his train of thought as he was shooting them.

Another movie that Fitzcarraldo has been compared to is Herzog's own Aguirre, the Wrath of God. And they share many elements there as well: a madman takes upon a Sisyphean task in the middle of the jungle, enlists in a crew that share that vision, and ultimately loses everything. Personally, I think a better film would have been made if Herzog didn't get so hung up on the scenery.

Line of the movie: “The reality of your world is nothing more than a rotten caricature of great opera.”

Three stars. Stop picking at it.

Equilibrium (2002)

Starring: Christian Bale, Sean Bean, Sean Pertwee, William Fichtner, Taye Diggs, Emily Watson

First, the Lowdown: In the future, emotion is outlawed – again.

There is a difference between acknowledging a piece of work's importance and understanding its significance. More on this later.

In the early part of the 21^st century, according to some self-important narration, the Third World War broke out. Civilization was shattered, the human race brought to the brink of extinction, blah, blah, blah. The survivors have a revelation that human nature itself is our own weakness, and thusly our own downfall. In response, they created an organization called the Tetragrammaton , whose Clerics are charged with the task of prosecuting and eradicating anything that generates strong emotion (art, music, books, etc.) and those who allow themselves to emote in any way at all.

In the shattered outskirts of the city-state of Librium, a group of men huddle around varied objects of art, allowing their emotive selves to stretch out without fear of exposure. The repose is short lived, as the police show up. Exchanging their treasures for firearms a melee ensues, with man after man falling under the bullets of authority. Another car arrives to the scene and two men step out, their faces devoid of expression. They are the Grammaton Clerics, specialists in their field, and are there to take out anyone the police cannot handle. The resistors have barricaded themselves behind a heavy door and refuse to leave. One of the Clerics orders the other men to shoot out the lightbulbs in the hall they occupy at the same time they blow open the door. Drawing a pair of pistols, he bursts through the door just as it is blown open. After a flurry of gunfire, the lights go out, leaving the resistors confused. A few more moments pass then the Cleric opens fire - hitting each man exactly. Having killed all the men present, the Clerics search the dwelling for contraband. They uncover a cache of hidden items underneath a Persian carpet – paintings, books, records. A field expert arrives and analyzes a sample portrait, the Mona Lisa, and authenticates it. Having found what they were looking for, they Cleric orders the whole lot incinerated.

On the way back, Preston (our lead Cleric) notices that his partner has a book tucked into his pocket. When Preston asks why his partner didn't leave it to be collected and logged, he tells him that he wanted to take it personally because the collection team sometimes misses things. The pair returns back to Libria, an immence city complex walled off from the outside ruins. Everything is gray and functional, its citizens wearing only the most modest clothing, leading unexceptional lives. Throughout the city, Father – the leader of Libria, praises the citizenry for embracing the cure for all their ills: Prozium. Prozium is a psychoactive that flattens people emotionally: no longer is there rage or violence or depression, but there is no elation either. During everyone's daily routine, the populous is constantly watched as police with automatic weapons scan for any sign of extreme emotion, and all are required to take regular doses of Prozium at proscribed intervals – bringing activity to a brief halt as people pause to inject the drug into a convenient vein.

At the Tetragrammaton building, Preston is debriefed by Vice Councilor Dupont, second only to Father. Dupont lauds Preston's almost supernatural ability to find “sense offenders” and inquires about his family. While Preston has a son and a daughter, his wife was incarcerated and executed for “sense crime.” Preston did not report her however, it was another concerned person. Dupont seems puzzled that the best agent of the Clerics could not have foreseen this. At his desk, Preston analyzes a recorded conversation between his partner and him earlier in the day and notes the other man's puzzled mien. His partner asked when the Clerics were going to stop and how long it was going to take until nothing is left. Following up on his hunch, Preston checks in with the collection unit to see if the book his partner was carrying was returned – only to find that his partner has never returned ANY evidence from a raid. Apparently his partner has been leaving the city to go to the “Nether” (the outlaying ruins) for weeks under the guise of official business. Preston tracks him to an abandoned church and tries to reason with him, but ultimately kills him for being a sense offender.

Almost immediately Preston is given a new partner, Brandt, who has also been described as intuitive by his superiors. Brandt sees the new opportunity as a career advancing move and looks forward to achieve the kind of status that Preston touts. At home, Preston's son tells him that he saw a classmate crying in the hall and asks if he should be reported. Preston beds down for the night and dreams of his belated wife and her arrest.

The next day as he freshens up in the bathroom, Preston accidentally knocks his last dose of Prozium onto the floor where it breaks. His son witnesses this and orders his father to report the Equilibrium Center to replace his dose. Preston dutifully complies, but the closest facility was bombed by terrorists, and his over-eager partner picks him up for a raid before Preston can find the nearby facility. The raid is at a woman's apartment, Mary, who has been hoarding contraband in a secret room. During the proceedings, Preston finds himself taken aback when he gets angry at the woman for skipping her dosages of Prozium, and then later when Mary grabs hold of a pistol, when he prevents Brandt from killing her. During her interrogation, Mary asks Preston what the purpose of his existence is, but he gives a circular and half-hearted answer.

That evening, Preston skips yet another dose and wakes frightened from his sleep. He looks up at his window and sees the sun rising. Desperate, he tears down the filtering screen against the glass pane and sees the beauty of the sunrise, only to realize with horror that he is feeling. He is on the brink of dosing himself when he thinks better of it and allows himself to fall into the addiction of emotion.

Like I mentioned before before there is a difference between emulating something and comprehending it. Director Kurt Wimmer seems to have understood the importance of dystopian fiction, but doesn't seem to quite get WHY it's so important. In the first fifteen minutes he pilfers 1984, Brave New World and Fahrenheit 451 with the same sloppy methodology as a kindergartner that's making a collage out of your favorite magazines. Just because people like ninjas, pirates, and monkeys doesn't mean that a movie with monkey ninja-pirates will come off terribly well in the theaters.

Inexplicably, this movie has a fairly solid cast with one exception – Taye Diggs. I like him as an actor, but the only way I can describe his character in this movie is “flamboyantly unemotional.” The man simply CANNOT withhold himself and every time he has a close up, his deadpan expression melts into a caricature of itself, as if inwardly he's thinking “I'm being SO expressionless right now. Check out, Mr. Spock over here! I've got zero emotion right now!”

As with other movies I've seen, this could've been done much better if the director didn't rely so much on the material that he was plagiarizing. Kurt Wimmer tries making the film both a “thinker” and “action-packed” - but has no inspiration behind either. The thinking aspects are all archetypes that have been hammered to the ground hundreds of times before and aren't presented with even a modest attempt to put a new spin on them. Conversely, the action sequences seem to all spawn from the “wouldn't it look cool if they did this?” variety, but unfortunately it keeps crossing the line from barely plausible to utterly silly. Plus, I don't think it a good sign that I got bored during a gunfight. Most of the moves were inspired by “The Matrix”; however unlike that movie, it's the ACTION that looks contrived, rather than the philosophy.

There are a few good moments in the film, but they only last a few seconds. A great scene has the Clerics raiding a compound only to find a kennel with dogs in the back. Confused, Brandt asks if the resistance has been using them for food when it's obvious to the audience that they aren't because pets (and the emotional attachment they give) would be illegal in that society. But such things are few and far between and quickly get eclipsed by Wimmer's technical incompetency (a significant plot point is ruined because two major scenes are shown in the wrong order) and lackluster script control (there's no emotion in Libria, but apparently people still swear?). Once again I wonder how this would've been handled in more capable hands.

Line of the movie: “If we keep burning all this contraband, eventually there won't be anything left to burn. What'll there be for men like us?” You'll probably have to take up knitting, pard.

Two stars. Chew slowly.

Aguirre, The Wrath Of God (1972)

(Originally released as Aguirre, Der Zorn Gottes)

Starring: Klaus Kinski,

First, the Lowdown: A madman leads a party of conquistadors in search of El Dorado.

Before the Spanish came, the Inca (much like the Aztecs and Mayans) thought of themselves as the pinnacle of civilization. Both culturally and scientifically advanced over their primitive cousins in the surrounding jungles, they felt secure in their magnificence. Then Francisco Pizarro came, with hundreds of soldiers – all armed with gunpowder, refined steel, and influenza. Soon even the leaders of the Inca were now humbled by this unstoppable threat. This is probably why they encouraged the rumors of El Dorado.

El Dorado, or “the Gilded One”, actually refers to a mythical ritual in which a priest would cover himself with gold dust as an offering to the local goddess as well as tossing gold craft work into a lagoon as sacrifice. This later would be interpreted as a folk tale of a hidden land, much like Avalon or Atlantis. The Inca never really believed in a lost palace made entirely of gold, it just made a good story to tell the foreigners. After being culled by the gold-crazed Spanish, it probably wasn't hard to revive the old legend and place a new spin on it. Rather than being a fabled lagoon with gold sacrifices piled on its floor, the Inca claimed it was an actual place. My guess is that it started as a practical joke that quickly got out of hand; and before long, many of the scholarly saw it as a way of disposing of the Spanish once and for all. Rather than having the arrogant and grabby Spaniards plundering their homelands and enslaving their people, why not point them in a vague direction along the Amazon and have them fall prey to the dangers of the inhospitable jungle and brutal natives that lived there?

In 1560, a party of explorers lead by Gonzalo Pizarro (Francisco’s half-brother) decided to search of this legendary city themselves. So confident in his ability to dominate the New World, Pizarro set about this expedition with a multitude of slaves, soldiers, clergy, servants, lackeys, artillery and women. As we watch them make their way down a steep and treacherous mountain path, we see how mistaken they were – one of their cannons falls to the side and explodes. To underscore just how much they underestimated the surrounding land when they approach the Amazon, they find it a raging torrent of muddy water. Undeterred, Pizarro is resolute in finding a way across; Aguirre, one of his lieutenants, disagrees.

It's only later when they realize how right Aguirre was. The native guides begin to die of pneumonia (probably brought over from the Spanish) and the further they trudge into the jungle, the more they become bogged down by the mud. Eventually Pizarro himself has misgivings about their quest. After much consideration, Pizarro assembles forty of his men and assigns them the task of traveling down the river to scout ahead, find food, and hopefully more information about the whereabouts of El Dorado. They must return in a week, however, otherwise he will call the entire expedition off. Among his men he chooses: Ursua (who will be accompanied by his wife Inez), Aguirre (who will be accompanied by his daughter, Flores), Guzman (a noble descendant of the Castilian royal house) and Brother Gaspar de Carvajal whose diary provides the narration for this journey.

It isn't long until trouble starts. On the first day of the journey, one of the rafts gets caught in an eddy by the shore and the men on board cannot free themselves from it. Ursua sends a group of men to help them out (a process that will take a day or two), but Aguirre wants to leave them and press onwards. In the night shots ring out and the next day the group finds the men on the raft dead, shot by their own muskets. Ursua orders that the men's bodies be brought back for a Christian burial, which rankles Aguirre for its inefficiency. In defiance, Aguirre tells one of his men to clean out the cannon they brought with them – by firing it at the raft carrying the dead men's bodies.

The next morning they group awakes to find that the river has swollen by 15 feet and their rafts have drifted off! Aguirre orders the men to cut down trees for lumber and salvage any spare metal they can for nails to make a new raft, but Ursua wants to cut his losses and go back. Aguirre is determined on finding El Dorado, though, and he organizes a mutiny among the men. Further emboldened, Aguirre appoints Guzman as the Emperor of El Dorado once they find it. However, as they travel along, it becomes more and more obvious that Aguirre is the one in control.

As a summary, the movie sounds almost inspired, but as a movie itself, it left me with much to be desired. Director Werner Herzog is very technically accomplished and his shots are lovely as usual. But for a movie that's barely 90 minutes, it feels about twice as long. And in some ways it works in the film's favor, a perilous journey plods along gruelingly and takes us along with it. In doing so however, my temperament went from “this is an interesting way to portray a doomed expedition” to “this is boring me to tears.” At one point I found myself craving action of some kind, to be only lukewarmly rewarded by a siege of a village – which already had been deserted. In short, I didn't find this movie nearly as gripping as a later film which would borrow much from it: Apocalypse Now.

Line of the movie: “You know, my child, for the good of our Lord, the Church was always on the side of the strong.”

Three stars. Now an excellent source of fiber!

Solaris (1972)

(Originally released as: Solyaris)

Starring: Natalya Bondarchuk, Donatas Banionis, Juri Jarvet, Vladislav Dvorzhetsky, Nikolai Grinko

First, the Lowdown: A scientist travels to an alien world, and finds his dead wife.

At the banks of a silent brook stands a man. His name is Kris Kelvin – a “Solarist”. He studies the data that is currently being gathered from a far off planet, called Solaris. But Kris's work has tapered off some, every day he takes a walk around the forests outside his father's house. A car approaches the house carrying Burton, another Solarist, and his son.

Burton has a tape of a recorded statement he gave to the investigating counsel over ten years ago about Solaris. A scientific party landed on the planet and began surveying its vast ocean lead by a Dr. Fechner. They never returned. The remaining scientific crew sent out a search party to look for the missing men, all returned in a timely manner except for one helicopter – piloted by Burton. An hour after nightfall, Burton's helicopter returned. Once back on the station, Burton immediately ran to his quarters and refused to leave. Eventually, he relaxed a little, but refused to look out any windows looking out over the ocean. While on his search mission, Burton became trapped in a fog. Looking down at the planet's surface, he noticed that all tidal activity had stopped and that islands appeared to form on the water's surface. Islands with acacias and flowers which quickly dissolved. Burton tried to record this activity, but all the camera would pick up were cloud formations. Later Burton found a body floating in the ocean, with another figure next to it. The other figure was a child, that looked like Fechner's son – only 14 feet tall. The counsel felt that Burton's experience was more hallucination brought about by fatigue, illness, or the magnetic waves that Solaris has been known to put out (and are theorized to be thought patterns.)

Solaristics as a science is in jeopardy – the mountain of data is disjointed and incoherent. The original research staff of 80 has been pared down to three – and their sporadic reports are even more confusing. The counsel is on the brink of closing off all Solaris research permanently, so Burton has asked Kelvin to go to Solaris and evaluate the situation. Kelvin is reluctant to leave, however, as his elderly father is sick with a terminal illness and may not live out the year. Furthermore, Kris knows that the counsel only wants a justification to shut the research station down, but also feels that Solaritics is at a stalemate because of irresponsible daydreaming. It is Kelvin's own father, though, that insists he go – instead on brooding over his research here on earth.

Kelvin arrives a the station and finds no one is there to greet him, let alone guide his spacecraft in for a landing. The station corridors are a mess, instruments are in poor repair, and of the three men stationed only two remain – Snaut and Sartorius. The third scientist, Gilbarian, killed himself. Kelvin finds Snaut in his quarters, singing. Something in Snaut's hammock is making it sway back and forth. Before Kris can say anything, Snaut hurredly tells him to settle into quarters of his own and return in the morning.

In Gilbarian's quarters, Kris finds a recorded message left for him. In it a distressed Gilbarian talks about Sartorius's decision to bombard the Solaris ocean with radiation. To which the planet reacted with magnetic waves of its own. Wanting further answers, Kelvin seeks out Sartorius at his quarters, but he too tells him to come back tomorrow.

In the corridor, Kelvin sees a young girl. But when he tries following her, she disappears. He approaches Snaut about this occurrance, but Snaut tells him to relax. Frustrated, Kelvin returns to Gilbarian's message to finish watching it – and sees the young girl from the corridor come into the frame. Gilbarian shoves her out of the way and tells says that her presence is not madness, but something to do with consciousness.

Kris beds down for the night and wakes up at dawn to find a young woman, Hari - his wife who had committed suicide 10 years ago. She kisses him awake, but he soon realizes that he's now dreaming and panics. Especially since he blocked the door shut. So no one could get in. Hari tells Kris that she feels like she has forgotten something.

Still unnerved by the apparition of his dead wife, Kris tries to leave the room, but Hari protests. Under the pretense of leaving the station together, Kris lures Hari into a rocket and launches it (nearly incinerating himself in the process). Snaut finds Kelvin in his quarters and tells him that the “guests” that have been plaguing the station appeared after probing the ocean with x-rays. He also tells Kelvin that it doesn't matter how he tries to dispose of Hari, she will come back. Desperate to leave the station, Kelvin asks Snaut if he would sign a report to liquidate the station. Snaut demurs because of the possibility of finally making complete contact with the alien consciousness of Solaris.

The next evening, Hari returns to Kelvin's room.

This movie has been called “Russia's answer to 2001” and it's understandable. Where Kubrick's 2001 was about transcending the fetters of tools so that one's consciousness may evolve, Solaris emphasizes loosening one's sense of duty so that one's heart may transcend. It's a pretty powerful statement to make in the Soviet Union at that time, Kruschev was hardlining the benefits of duty to society, so to have a filmmaker call that into question back then was a pretty bold step. Like 2001, Solaris takes a pretty languid pace (almost TOO languid for some, its running time is almost three hours). Unlike, 2001, it is not terribly effects heavy. Most of the budget seemed to go towards the set of the Solaris research platform itself which looks very utilitarian.

As I mentioned before, the problem most people have with this movie is its running time. Tartakovsky seems to take his time moving from scene to scene. In many ways his filming style is almost too observational – scenes linger on background minutiae much like one would if they were watching the same situation. (Think about how often your eyes wander everywhere during the course of the day.) Unlike most people, I rather like the way the movie is paced because it allows the weight of everything that is said to sink in. (Plus it's relieving to watch a film where you aren't going to be constantly bombard with “Oooh! Check out the special effects!” montages.)

Line of the movie: “They come at night. But one must sleep sometime.”

Five stars. Stay off the moors.

Eternal Sunshine On The Spotless Mind (2004)

Starring: Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Elijah Wood, Mark Ruffalo, Tom Wilkinson, David Cross

First, The Lowdown: A romantic comedy told a la Philip K. Dick.

“Where are all the good men dead? In the heart or in the head?”

Meet Joel. He wakes up on a typical Valentine's Day depressed and alone. To fit with his already desolate state, he notices that a huge gash has been cut into the door panel of his car. While waiting for his morning commute, Joel decides to take a train to the beach and ditch work. Joel doesn't consider himself to be an impulsive person, but the desperation in which he forces his way to the other platform and onto the train makes gives the impression that something important is inspiring him. Opening up his journal to record some random thoughts, he notices that the last two year's entries have been torn out – an act that Joel doesn't remember doing.

Meandering at the beach, Joel sees a woman in orange looking out at the surf. However, his withdrawn nature prevents him from talking with her. At the coffee shop, Joel sees the same woman sitting down a ways from him and watches her slip a bit of booze into her coffee. Waiting for the return train, Joel sees the very same woman in orange heading the same way. On the way back, she strikes up conversation with him, she vaguely recognizes him as a customer at her bookstore. Her name is Clementine, and warns Joel not to joke about her name, but Joel doesn't know any references to it. (The song “My Darling Clementine” is a complete blank to him.) Their conversation ambles along, but when Joel refers to Clementine as “nice”, she closes up. It turns out that Clementine is about as out of sorts today on Valentine's Day as Joel.

Joel drives Clementine back to her apartment and she invites him upstairs for a drink. They talk more which emphasizes how quiet and reserved Joel is with how outgoing and random Clementine is. The next evening, Clementine takes Joel to the Charles – a frozen lake just off of a local highway, and they talk more. Clementine sleeps on the drive back, an all-night affair, and asks Joel if she can sleep over at his place. While Joel waits in his car, a young man knocks on his window and asks why he's there. Joel tells him that he's just waiting. The man walks away, leaving Joel confused.

Now pretend you didn't just read that.

Rewinding back to the day before Valentine's Day, Joel is driving in his car, crying with the forlorn determination of someone who's been thrust into the frontier of solitude. Unknown to him, he is being followed by two men in a van. At the mailboxes, he runs into Frank, a next door neighbor. Frank complains that the only Valentine's Day cards he gets are from his mother and envies Joel for having a Clementine as a girlfriend. Joel notes a letter by Lacuna Inc. and goes up to his apartment. He dresses in a new pair of pajamas and takes a prescription he just purchased. Finally turning off his lights, he passes out on the floor. Seeing the lights turned out, the men in the van, Stan and Patrick, break into Joel's apartment, dragging armloads of equipment with them.

As Joel sleeps, he dreams about the conversation he just had with Frank about Clementine – but it's like watching a badly focused movie which gets even more out of focus until it fades to black. When the scene comes back, Joel is having a conversation that he with his friends, Rob and Carrie, only a few days prior. It turns out that he has been dating Clementine for quite a while, but the relationship imploded on itself when Clementine came home drunk after putting a gash into Joel's car. With Valentine's Day looming, Joel tries to call Clementine, but her phone number is changed. Still wanting to seek resolution, Joel buys an early Valentine's Day gift for her and swings by her workplace – at Barnes & Noble's. However, Clementine not only is there with another (and younger) man, but acts like she doesn't recognize Joel. Distraught, he relays this to his friends and Carrie tries to assure him that he needs to see this as a sign to move on. Rob, however, pulls an envelope from a drawer from Lacuna Inc. In it is a card that states: “Clementine Kruczynski has had Joel Barish erased from her memory. Please never mention their relationship to her again.” Clementine's name fades from the card.

Lacuna Inc. is a service that erases memories of a relationship from a person's mind. Joel was not supposed to see the notice from their office. Dr. Mierzwiak, who invented the process, informs Joel that their files are confidential (so he cannot provide him with evidence) and that Clementine wanted to move on. By undergoing their treatment, she has purged Joel from her memory. Rob and Carrie are not surprised by that decision, however, given Clementine's tendency for exuberance. Now feeling completely left in the lurch, Joel insists to have the procedure done on himself. The first thing that is required is that Joel has to collect everything that reminds himself of Clementine – books, journal entries, photos, clothes, books, CDs, etc. Lacuna will then use those items to create a “map” of his memory. Once the map is established Stan and Patrick, Lacuna's technicians, will come into erase the memories. The idea is that every memory has an established core that keeps it associated; remove that core and the memory begins to atrophy until it is gone. Once done, Joel will wake up afresh without any lingering memories of his lost love.

However, in order for Joel's memories to be erased, he has to re-experience them – which starts with the process that brought him to Lacuna as well as his involvement with them. It also means that for all of the bad memories (arguments, break-up fallout, etc.) Joel also has to relive all of the good memories about Clementine and then have them deleted before his eyes. Even more discomfiting is the fact that Patrick was rather stricken with Clementine when Lacuna came to her place, and has been using the data they erased to try and forge a relationship with her using the good associations she previously had with Joel. As Joel revisits his memories (and watches them die), he finds that he wants to keep them because even the bad ones make the relationship with Clementine whole. So in a bid of desperation, Joel tries to associate her with memories that are completely unrelated to the context, like his early childhood.

And you thought Kurt Vonnegut was fucked up.

The thing that makes this movie so compelling is that it touches on an experience that nearly everyone has had – falling in and out of love. And unlike most Hollywood romances, Joel and Clementine's relationship is not perfect at all, in fact it starts out in the most typically awkward fashion. Their attraction for each other is fueled by their opposing natures, which eventually also causes much of their conflict. So this movie presents us with a very realistic relationship. It also gives a rather Faustian posit: if you could wipe your mind clean of the memory of someone who broke your heart badly, would you do it? Brilliantly the movie begins by showing us the consequences of that choice right off the bat. It's also interesting to note that while both Joel and Clementine managed to completely erase the memories of each other, they hadn't lost attraction for each other. (This fact also rears its head amongst the minor characters also.) Patrick's plagiarized romance with Clementine begins to demonstrate that just because you know someone else's part; it doesn't mean you fit their role. (And it also brings a new meaning to the phrase “identity theft.”) The idea of a memory removal service is also portray rather matter-of-factly. Rather than a shiny medical facility one normally finds in commercials, Lacuna Inc. looks like it's run out of a dentist's office. (Additionally, it brings up how a service might be abused by the over-dependent: the receptionist informs a caller that she cannot have the procedure performed upon her more than three times in a month.)

Ultimately, we're left with the question: if you know the love affair you're about to start is going to be doomed, would you still do it?

Line of the movie: “Where's the self-help section?”

Five stars. Now open 24 hours.

Zatoichi Meets The One-Armed Swordsman (1971)

(Originally released as: Shin Zatoichi: Yabure! Tojin-ken)

Starring: Shintaro Katsu, Wang Yu, Watako Hamaki, Michie Terada, Koji Nambara, Koji Minawara

First, the Lowdown: Two martial arts legends and hilarity ensues.

“Ladies and gentlemen! I know present to you the match of the century! In the red corner, from the warring Manchu states himself, the Monodextrous Marauder – Wang Kang, the One-Armed Swordsman!”

(cheers and applause)

“And in the blue corner, from our very own feudal kingdoms, the Handicapable Hatchetman – Zatoichi, the Blind Warrior!”

(cheers and applause)

“Now let's get ready to RUUUMMMMBLE!!!”

In an empty field a blind man with a cane waits. Finally growing impatient, he calls out to the group of thugs that have been following him since he left a nearby village. The thugs stay back, however, waiting for one of their number to sneak up silently on their quarry. Zatoichi, our blind man, isn't any normal handicapped drifter, however, and picks up a nearby rock and beans the sneaking man on the noggin. Now pissed, the thugs call out to Zatoichi to lure him into a trap, a tied snare. The blind man finds it, but pretends to stumble. Three men charge and quicker than you can say “Ginsu”, Zatoichi disembowels them.

In the following village a family of Chinese circus performers busks for their living. The father juggles spears and hurls them at a target his wife stands in front of. After their performance, they are greeted by Wang Kang, a swordsman also from China who is missing his arm. Wang Kang is looking for the temple of Fukuryu-ji, so that he may study with an old friend of his and avoid the many enemies he's made in his homeland. The performers offer to show him the way there, they have been away from China so long that they crave news from home. The next morning, the group encounters a procession escorting a tribute to one of the feudal lords. The villagers scurry to get out of their way and avoid their sight. Wang Kang, new to Japan, does not understand, but follows suit anyway. The performer’s son, Shaolong, however chases after his kite that blew in the path of the oncoming samurai. Perturbed at the interruption of their escort, they draw their swords to strike the boy down, but Shaolong's mother takes the blow to protect her son. The boy's father steps forward and prevents the man from finishing the job, only to be attacked by a second samurai. Wang Kang will have none of that, though. He makes short work over the men who attacked Shaolong's parents, and quickly dispatches about five others before running off. The samurai leader sends half of his men after Wang Kang in pursuit, but tells the remaining ones to kill all of the witnesses! That way the samurai can claim that some random one-armed Chinese guy went apeshit and started killing people!

Meanwhile, Zatoichi is walking along the same path when he hears Shaolong crying. He has enough time to hear Shaolong's father die. Taking the boy along, the come to the nearby village where Zatoichi finds out that some random one-armed Chinese guy went apeshit and started killing people. The offending man has been chased into a quarry though, and there is a 5 ryo (Japanese gold coins) reward. Unbeknownst to our blind man, two of the thugs that accosted him earlier are still alive and plotting a way to screw him over.

At the quarry, our one-armed swordsman is proving to be a harder catch that previously thought. The pursuing men try to rush him out of a hut that Wang Kang has hidden in, only to find out that he's pretty good in close quarters. So they try smoking him out, only to find out that he's too quick for them to catch either and they lose him in the forest. Wang Kang's flight is interrupted by Zatoichi who is trying to find out where Shaolong can go. Wang Kang is happy to the boy and takes him along, hoping to find Fukuryu-ji. However, he leaves Zatoichi, not trusting. Zatoichi deduces that Wang Kang is the one-armed Chinese guy that the samurai have been searching for, so he follows them to make sure that Shaolong is safe.

He catches up with them at an abandoned shed, and offers them food. However, neither Zatoichi or Wang Kang speak the same language, so they cannot understand each other. After proving that the food is not poisoned, Zatoichi wins them over. Shaolong does know Japanese, though and tells Zatoichi where Wang Kang is headed. Wang Kang asks him to guide them there so they set out in the night.

Needing rest, they come to a house in the middle of the woods. As coincidence would have it, it belongs to Oyo-ne and her father, who saw the samurai attack earlier, but survived by hiding. Both of them recognize the Chinese man and offer the three of them a place to spend the night. Oyo-ne's father tells them that the henchmen of boss Toubei, the head of the local Yakuza, have been combing the countryside. Wang Kang's bounty is now TEN ryo and they're hoppin' mad. Zatoichi then learns of Wang Kang's innocence of the whole affair, which only makes him more determined to help them out.

The next morning, Zatoichi sets out to get supplies. Wang Kang is worried about his departure, though, but still can't understand a word they say. Unknown to Zatoichi, boss Toubei wasn't the only one searching the forest. The two surviving thugs from earlier, their grudges freshly burning, find out that Zatoichi has been helping Wang Kang and in turn report their whereabouts to boss Toubei! While in town, Zatoichi finds out that their cover has been blown and hurries back. However, Toubei is too late. Oyo-ne's parents refuse to talk and die for it. Zatoichi arrives at the house too late, however, and finds the husband and wife dead. Toubei has kidnapped Oyo-ne in the hopes that she'll tell him where Wang Kang is headed, but their interrogation has been interrupted by Zatoichi, who cuts off Toubei's ear and releases her.

Oyo-ne however, doesn't trust Zatoichi, since Toubei has told her that the blind man turned in their folks for the bounty! When she returns to her house, she finds Wang Kang and Shaolong, who have buried her parents out of respect. Wang Kang, however, remembers that the only person who knew about their location was Zatoichi, and he has mysteriously disappeared! Now convinced that Zatoichi sold him out, Wang Kang is determined to avenge the lives of those who helped them.

A one-armed man going up against a blind man sounds like something you'd normally find on YouTube, but I assure you that this is no joke. For the uninitiated, what we have here is the meeting of two legends of Chinese and Japanese martial arts cinema together in the same movie.

First there is Zatoichi, a blind masseur who keeps a sword in his cane. There are a ton of movies circling around him and they usually follow Zatoichi as he wanders from town to town, getting in the middle of stuff and carving people's butts off and serving it back to them, when they think they can take him out because he's blind. Most of the movies have the actor rolling his eyes to appear blind and performing stunts that really are only possible by the sighted (or Daredevil, Man Without Fear). But that's not the point of these movies – the point is to see a blind man slice up some jackass's sweetbreads and dodge the arterial spray that happens.

Second, there is Wang Kang, the One-Armed Swordsman. I can only think of two movies offhand that feature him, The One-Armed Swordsman and Legend of the Flying Guillotine. Both movies focus on Wang Kang and an ever-increasing stack of bizarre enemies and usually climax in a sequence of martial arts sequences so fantastically physics-defying that we barely notice that the actor playing Wang Kang has his “missing” arm stuffed in his shirt. But we're not supposed to care about that, we watch these movies to see Wang Kang crack open a barrel of “Uncle Chang's Most Potent Infusion of Ass Whoopery” on a gang of adversaries that could only be described as dada-esque.

Obviously, if you're a fan of freaktastic fighting, finding out about this movie should be the martial arts fanboy equivalent of Rush Limbaugh being locked in an Oxycodone factory.

Unfortunately, if you're expecting dazzlingly elaborate action set pieces, I'm sorry to say that while the One-Armed Swordsman may have been a Shaw Bros. presentation, this movie is made by Zatoichi's home company, Toho. Thusly the fights are along the line of the “slash and spray” variety that is common in samurai film.

But for such a pulpy story background, the script is very tightly written and captures the personalities of both legends without seeming too contrived. Especially interesting was the decision to make Wang Kang still use his native Chinese as his spoken language. It's because of this language barrier that we reach the crux of this film, and some of the ways that Japanese and Chinese is cross-understood are very amusing. (One scene has Wang Kang saying “Xiexie” or thank you, when Zatoichi offers him water. Zatoichi, however hears it as “Shasha” or the sound of running water.)

Line of the movie: “The dumb and the blind aren't a good combination.”

Five stars. Chop, grate, blend.

"Fox And His Friends" (1976)

(Originally released as Faustrecht der Freirheit)

Starring: Peter Chatel, Rainer Werner Fassbinder, Karl-Heinz Böhm, Adrian Hoven, Christane Maybach

First, the Lowdown: A gay German wins the lottery and loses his heart.

Life is a cabaret, my friend, come to the cabaret.

Fox is a sideshow performer working at is lover's exhibit. At least until the police shut it down and arrest his lover for tax evasion Fox finds himself without a job or a place to stay. Worse yet, he has no money to indulge in his favorite pastime – playing the lottery. Desperate for money to buy a ticket, Fox hustles an older gentleman, Max, who helps him steal 10 Marks from a florist. He puts it all into a ticket and wins 500,00 DM.

Max enjoys Fox's company, but Max's friends cannot stand him. At least until they learn of Fox's jackpot. Especially Eugen, a snob with expensive tastes. Eugen leaves his current lover and begins to entice Fox, who is both attracted and intimidated by Eugen's rich upbringing and polished demeanor.

Eugen's motivations aren't exactly selfish, though. His father runs a bookbindery that is losing money quickly. Fox hears of this and offers a loan of 100,000 DM to help with the business. But once the loan is in place, more complications with the business arise, demanding more money be loaned from Fox. Eugen is thrown out of his apartment because of Fox's frequent visits, so he convinces the younger man to buy a condominium.

From the beginning I got a feeling of unease as soon as Eugen enters the screen. Which only increased as the movie went on. Much of this movie shows the slow progression of a damned relationship. Fox's naivety is only outmatched by his sad devotion to a man who has been clearly manipulating him for his money from the outset. Because this isn't an American film, it doesn't end well (but not so poorly that I'm going to give away everything). The film is entertaining for its realism, but it's the same realism that makes it uncomfortable to watch after a time.

Line of the movie: “Some people wash themselves. Others are clean.”

Three stars. It's time for pudding!

"Querelle" (1982)

Starring: Brad Davis, Franco Nero, Jeanne Moreau, Laurent Malet, Hanno Pöschl, Günther Kaufmann

First, the Lowdown: A French sailor comes to terms with his own homosexuality.

A man dances with the madame of a brothel, his name is Robert. The madam, Lysiane, insists on giving him a tarot reading. In the cards she sees Robert's previously unmentioned brother, Querelle. She also warns Robert that Querelle is in true danger of finding himself.

As providence would have it, a ship arrives into the port of Brest. The sailors look longingly at the carnal delights offered at the port - especially The Feria, Lysiane's brothel. Querelle, a sailor on the vessel is told about the rules of the Feria – if you want a lady you have to throw dice with Nono the bartender, Feria's husband. If you lose, you get screwed by him.

Querelle goes ashore and is surprised to see his brother at The Feria. Robert has been sleeping with Lysiane in exchange for room and board. Querelle mentions to Nono that he has a package of opium to sell. Nono makes an arrangement to buy.

Meanwhile, Gil, a polish construction worker keeps haranguing a young boy by the name of Roger for a chance at Roger's sister, Paulette. However, from their argument it's hard to say who Gil is more turned on by, Roger or his sister. Gil's proclivities seem to be obvious to everyone but himself, as the foremen of the construction crew keeps belittling Gil for his effeminate tendencies.

Later that evening, Querelle and another sailor smuggle the opium to shore. His partner starts talking about the Feria, which puts Querelle on edge, especially when his brother is mentioned. Querelle isn't repulsed by Nono's homosexuality like many of his peers, but he doesn't know how to reconcile his attraction to it. Before his partner notices that Querelle has been lustfully staring at him, Querelle slits his throat and leaves him bleeding.

Fassbinder is a director that I've been recommended before, and as my first encounter with his work, I feel puzzled. Querelle is his last film, so I have nothing else to base his style on, but I get the impression that Fassbinder is a student of Jung. There is a lot of duality going in this movie: from the juxtaposition between Querelle and his brother, to an actor playing a significant dual role. Even the dialog oscillates between the poetic and the profane. The story itself is a tale of Querelle's narcissism and how in his discovery of himself, Querelle sacrifices the lives of all in his path.

As a movie, it left me more perplexed than compelled. It's executed much like a Greek tragedy (a move I think is deliberate). The set is sparse and the actors recite their lines more toward the audience than at each other. There isn't much “acting” going on between actors, but in a tale such as this there doesn't necessarily have to be. Fights between characters come across as an elaborate dance (a knife fight between Querelle and his brother as them skipping around each other chanting prose). An omnipresent narrator furthers the story like an ancient chorus. While this may work for other people, it comes across as a little over the top for me. That's not to say that melodrama doesn't have a place in the cinema, but for some reason or another I kept expecting to see Laurence Olivier appear on screen and give his “oysters or snails” monologue from Spartacus.

Line of the movie: “I'm on the brink of a shame from which no man ever rises. But only in that shame will I find my everlasting piece.”

Three stars. You break it, you buy it.

"A Fistful Of Dollars" (1964)

(Originally released as Per un pugno di dollari)

Starring: Clint Eastwood, Marianne Koch, John Wells, W. Lukschy, S. Rupp, Joe Edger, Antonio Prieto

First, the Lowdown: A mysterious gunman pits two warring gangs against each other.

Perhaps more important than knowing how to fight is knowing how not to.

This is the first appearance of Sergio Leone's “Man With No Name”, and in many ways it's more potent than its other appearances. There is a lot of weight to be put into names, they often touch upon something in our collective subconscious. By not naming our main character, we can't lay any expectations on him aside from what he proves to us by his actions. Then again, it's hard to imagine anyone else pulling off the role as effectively as Eastwood with his flinty eyes and chronically dusty complexion.

Our Man With No Name enters the outskirts of town to pause at a well. He witnesses a small boy sneak into a cabin only to be chased back out again and shot at. His father tries to lock him into an opposing building, but the men who chased his son beat him. To further hammer the welcoming atmosphere of the village MWNN hears a bell toll. The people scramble to their houses and peer out of cracked doors and windows at him. A dead man rides his horse out one last time – the message “Adios Amigo” tacked to his back. The bell ringer happily tells MWNN that he can get rich working for the Rojos or the Baxters, or be killed.

Once in town, a group of men belonging to the Baxter gang accost MWNN and shoot at his horse to spook it. He regroups at a tavern, where the innkeeper informs MWNN that the only person who doesn't work for either the Rojos or the Baxters that makes a good living is the coffin maker. Seeing an opportunity, MWNN announces to Don Miguel Rojo that he's available for hire, but not cheap. He then walks to the Baxter men who previously harassed him and kills four of them before they can draw.

Seeing a good thing when it comes to him, Don Miguel hires him on. Miguel tells MWNN that the military is going to come to the outskirts of town to purchase arms from the US Cavalry. Settling in, MWNN runs into a woman he saw earlier named Marisol. Miguel's brother Esteban is furious that a gringo should be paid so highly, but between the army coming into town and their brother Ramon, the REAL muscle behind the Rojos, being away all Miguel wants is peace and quiet.

The army arrive with a heavily guarded stagecoach – meaning that they are protecting something important. That evening MWNN asks about the woman Marisol, she was married to someone else, but Ramon fell in love with her. At dawn MWNN and the innkeeper see the army leave town with considerably less noise than they arrived. They follow the soldiers to a rendezvous at the riverside. But the Mexican army is ambushed and machine-gunned down by the Cavalry – who are actually Ramon's gang wearing their uniforms. They arrange the bodies so that it looks like they fought each other and make off with the Mexicans gold.

Arriving back home Miguel introduces MWNN to Ramon, who tells the rest of the Rojo gang his plan on inviting the Baxters over to negotiates a truce. The MWNN doesn't buy it however, and makes his leave of the Rojos because there will be peace. It is a delaying tactic – the US Cavalry will investigate their missing men, so Ramon plans on being peaceful until the heat blows over. Then the Rojos will take over everything.

But the MWNN has bigger plans. While the Rojos and Baxters confer, he smuggles two bodies from the massacre at the riverbank and hides them in the cemetery. He then tells the two gangs the same story, that two men from the army attack survived and are hiding in the graveyard. The Baxters plan on using them to prove to the government that the Rojos killed them, the Rojos plan on killing the “survivors” before anyone can use them.

A Fistful of Dollars is Leone's tribute to Akira Kurasawa's Yojimbo. But since I've never seen that movie, I can't really say how good of a tribute it really is. Leone certainly knows how to stir the pot of tension however, and he knows that the best killers are also the smartest. There is an odd kind of relaxedness to the Man With No Name, he rarely hurries his actions. Even his walk seems slow and deliberate without appearing overconfident.

Line of the movie: “When a man with a .45 meets a man with a rifle, the man with the pistol will be a dead man.”

Five stars. Drink responsibly.

"Dark Habits" (1983)

(Originally released as Entre tinieblas)

Starring: Cristina Sánchez Pascual, Will More, Laura Cepeda, Miguel Zúñiga, Julieta Serrano

First, the Lowdown: A lounge singer tries hiding from herself in a Catholic monestary.

After watching this movie twice I’m reminded of an amusing event in Catholic history:

In 1634 the Ursuline convent of Loudun was afflicted by a terrible rash of demonic possession. The woman would set out a cacophony of screams, cries, and animal noises – all while contorting their bodies obscenely and shouting vulgarities in various languages. Upon examination by the church, it was found that they had all been seduced by a respected priest, Urbain Grandier. Grandier was found guilty of sorcery (among other things) and burned at the stake after a confession was wrested from him. The possessions would continue for 4 more years until a miraculous exorcism was performed on the sisters in 1638.

(The whole debacle would later prove to be a conspiracy to discredit Grandier, who was an outspoken enemy of Cardinal Richelieu.)

On with our movie:

Yolanda is a lounge singer with an abusive junkie boyfriend. When the boyfriend overdoses on heroin, Yolanda makes a quick exit. However, the police catch up to her at the club she sings at. Using a friend's absence as cover, she hops on the first bus she can find to take her in the general direction of away.

While going through the items in her purse, she she finds a card for the “Community of Humble Redeemers.” Some time before her current situation two nuns approached Yolanda in her dressing room asking for her autograph. Yolanda obliges them happily and admires the purse one of them carries. The nun gives it to her as thanks for the autograph, and also gives her a card for their convent. She tells Yolanda to visit whenever she pleases.

Meanwhile, the convent receives word that their benefactor has died and neglected to put anything in his will that would continue donations to them. Said benefactor's daughter was serving as a nun, but ended up dying during a mission in Africa. His widow however, has seen this as an opportunity to enjoy herself now that she is no longer under the thumb of her abusive and controlling husband.

Enter Yolanda, who has come merely as a means of hiding. The nuns are overjoyed, for they see this as an opportunity to help a wayward soul. Yolanda is nervous at first, and confused. Even more curiouser, the Mother Superior shoots heroin with her. The convent follows the traditions of self-mortification and humiliation: which is why the Sisters all have odd names: Rat, Snake, etc. Each has their own secret. Sister Manure drops acid and subject herself to pain; Sister Rat is an author of tawdry bestsellers, Sister Damned is an obsessive-compulsive clean freak. The convent is home to a tiger as well, a pet of a former residents.

Yolanda finds herself getting used to the bizarre solitude of the convent, spending most of the time reading her ex-lover's diary as a means of punishing herself. Having being deprived of the primary source of income, however, has made the already unstable sisters descend rapidly into chaos.

Much like another of Almodovar's early work, Dark Habits has an interesting premise and doesn't go anywhere. The movie (with the exception of a couple shots) looks like it was filmed by a student. The setup itself sounds like it would make an interesting drama, but after the pieces are put into place, it's almost like the director didn't know what to do with them.

Line of the movie: “It's music that really tells the truth about life. Because all of us have been in love for deceived.”

Two stars. Chew slowly before swallowing.

"The Big Sleep" (1946)

Starring: Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, John Ridgely, Martha Vickers, Dorothy Malone

First, the Lowdown: A private detective is hired to investigate a blackmail case, and finds more than he anticipated.

Humphrey Bogart is Philip Marlowe, hard-boiled P.I, etc, etc. He arrives at the Sternwood manor at the invitation of the retired General Sternwood. In the foyer, Marlowe is greeted by Sternwood's younger daughter, Carmen – a woman barely mature, who coyly plays with the reactions of those around her.

General Sternwood meets with Marlowe in his greenhouse, where the warmth helps his circulation. The general invites Marlowe to a drink and a smoke, as the elder Sternwood can only enjoy his vices by proxy because of poor health. Mr. Sternwood is being blackmailed by a party unknown to him. This isn't the first time Mr. Sternwood's been blackmailed either, the previous case was handled by an acquaintance of Marlowe's: Shawn Regan. Regan has mysteriously disappeared, though, much to the sadness of Sternwood. Previously a man by the name of Joe Brody demanded $5000 in exchange for silence in Carmen's embarrassing behavior. Now a used book dealer by the name of Arthur G. Geiger is trying to collect and equal amount for outstanding gambling debts. Marlowe advises Sternwood to pay the man off because the debts are in the form of promissory notes bearing Carmen's signature. But Sternwood merely wants the matter taken care of discreetly without having to pay.

After leaving his meeting with the General, Marlowe is informed by the butler that the elder Sternwood daughter, Vivian. She grills Marlowe on the nature of his investigation, in particular if it had to deal with the missing Shawn Regan. Apparently Shawn had left in a bit of a hurry, but his car was found abandoned in a garage outside of town.

A quick trip to the library provides Marlowe with a quick back story. He arrives at Geiger's rare book inquiring about a rare book, a “Chevalier Audobon – 1840”, and is brushed off by the woman at the desk. He goes across the street to a DIFFERENT bookseller and makes the same inquiry, only to be told that the book doesn't exist. Smelling a false front, Marlowe waits across the street for Geiger to leave his office so he can tail him.

Tail him he does, however, directly to Geiger's house in the suburbs. While waiting patiently outside in his car, he sees another car pull up and a man enter the Geiger residence. The car is registered to Carmen Sternwood. A few moments later a scream is heard as well as a gunshot. Marlowe bursts into the room to find Geiger, dead by a gunshot, and Carmen – sitting high as a kite. In an oriental statue, Marlowe finds a concealed camera, minus film. A search of Geiger's lockbox, reveals a notebook of coded messages – including one labeled “Sternwood.” Having overstayed his welcome, Marlowe takes Carmen home and instructs her older sister to insist that to anyone else that Carmen has not left the house all evening and that Marlowe especially didn't drop her off.

Returning back to the Geiger house, Marlowe finds everything how he left it – except Mr. Geiger's body is gone. Frustrated, he goes back to his office and tries to work out the coded entry in Geiger's notebook, only to be interrupted by Bernie - a friend who is a homicide detective. Sternwood's car was found washed up off Lido pier, with a body in it. The body is the Sternwood's chauffeur, but it looks like someone knocked him out and dumped him there.

I'm not much of one for old movies, and you have my grandmother's passion for Vivian Leigh and Judy Garland to thank for that. So naturally I've gathered an aversion to anything in black and while that predates the Eisenhower era. However, The Big Sleep is a tight little story (adapted for the screen by William Faulkner, no less.) One thing I admire about it is that while it is a vintage picture, it doesn't come off as musty (in spite of the presence of Bogart.) Also it helps bolster the argument your grandparents used to make about how they never make movies like they used to. It's a nice little mystery that is neither rushed or slow and it comes from an era where you could have a suspense story without explosions, overlong gunfights, or nudity in order to keep the plot moving.

Line of the movie: “You oughta wean her, she's old enough.”

Four and a half stars. Don't make me turn this car around.

"What Have I Done To Deserve This?" (1984)

(Originally released as ¿Qué he hecho yo para merecer esto!!)

Starring: Carmen Maura, Luis Hostalot, Angel de Andres-Lopez, Gonzalo Suarez, Veronica Forque

First, the Lowdown: It's an episode of Jerry Springer, minus the chanting audience.

Gloria is at the end of her rope. A cleaner by trade who is trying to raise a family in a Madrid housing project, she divides her day between working and finding any means of escaping the suffocating drudgery of her life: mainly through the use of uppers and huffing fumes. Then again, her family isn't any better: husband Antonio is abusive, her oldest son Toni deals drugs on the side, her mother-in-law keeps pining for the village she grew up in (a common theme in Almodovar's films I've found), and her youngest son is a street hustler selling himself off to older men.

Antonio earns his living by driving a taxi. He pines for a singer in Germany that he drove for when he was younger. A fare he has picked up wants to be taken to the same block of flats that Antonio and Gloria live in. However, the fare doesn't live there, he's doing research with the assistance of a whore, Cristal, who lives next door. The man is a writer, resorting to authoring porno to make a quick buck. However, he's sprung on an idea – Antonio's former love, Ingrid, made up a book of Hitler's memoirs and Antonio can copy any handwriting. So, combine the two and you have a potential best seller. Also, before he leaves, he offers Gloria a job cleaning the flats of him and his brother.

Cristal dreams of going to America, where she'll be a star in Las Vegas. Gloria, is too high on vapors and Mother's Little Helpers, to look further than her own two feet. Since she has no money for food or utilities, Gloria accepts the offer to work for the writer and his brother. The writer feels that having a maid will be an inspiration “Capote wrote his best novel with his charwoman.” His brother, Pedro, is less than inspired – having ended a deep relationship with his girlfriend. Pedro's depression is so permeable that it's beginning to affect his work as a psychotherapist.

Toni has been using the earnings he makes from selling drugs to save up for a trip out of Madrid with his grandmother. After working at the writer's flat, Gloria comes home to find that Toni and Grandma have brought home a lizard that they found half-frozen in the park (named “Dineiro”). Fortunately the money Gloria earned from working is enough to pay off some of their bills, buy groceries, and pay for some dental work for her youngest son, Miguel. The dentist likes children (a little too much), but because Gloria knows of Miguel's proclivities, she has him stay with the creepy dentist to pay off the medical bill.

This movie wanders around a lot, and in many ways, with it's “let's put the fun in dysfunctional” characters, kinda reminded me of Takashi Miike's Visitor Q, minus the lactation and necrophilia. It feels a lot like an early effort, much of the character content feels unformed and half-developed at best and spurious at worst (a neighbor’s child inexplicably has telekinesis, but that fact does nothing more than give her something to make her stand out.) There are scenes with multiple character layers, but no character arcs. As usual with Almodovar, there are quite a few scenes that are shot beautifully (a conversation that occurs down a row of shops as two people walk is done from the perspective of the front display of each store), but still there isn't much of a point and when the movie ends you're more relieved than satisfied.

Line of the movie: “Sometimes a father is no solution.”

Two and a half stars. You are getting sleepy.

"The Black Hole" (1979)

(Christ, this is the longest review of my career and it's about The Black Hole.)

Starring: Maximilian Schell, Anthony Perkins, Robert Forster, Joseph Bottoms, Yvette Mimieux

First, The Lowdown: An exploratory vessel finds a ship missing for 20 years parked next to a black hole. Then things get weird.

Every fan of crap cinema knows which film actually turned them over to the dark side. For some, it’s Japanese monster flicks, others it’s Chinese martial arts dramas, and for some it was Peter Graves. For me, it was The Black Hole: a movie that proved to me that you could watch something so overwrought and cheesy you smell the vapors of freshly melted Gruyere wafting off the screen, but still find it entertaining. I first saw this film at the drive-in, an appropriate venue, as a double-feature with Sleeping Beauty. I was 4 at the time, so after the cartoony action of Sleeping Beauty I fell asleep within the first 15 minutes of the film. I’d later revisit it when it was released on video (much to my parents’ chagrin). More on this later.

The Palomino, an exploratory vessel, is on its return trip to Earth when it has to make an unscheduled course correction. The cause of this correction is a black hole (oooooooh!) that is smack dab in their way - which looks like a perpetual Ty-D-Bowl ad in space. Vincent, a dippy floating robot that looks and sounds like the bastard lovechild of R2-D2 and C3P0 (Arthreepio?) and is voiced by an uncredited Roddy McDowall, calls the crew to the bridge so they can gape at it – especially Science Officer Alex Durant (Anthony Perkins). After chewing on some expository material for some time and making random metaphoric statements, Vincent shows that there is a spaceship anchored next to the anomaly that does not appear to be affected by the black hole’s (oooooooh!) gravitational pull. Reluctantly curious, Capt. Dan Holland (Robert Forster) set the Palomino to investigate.

The ship is the Cygnus, another Earth exploratory vessel that had been missing for the last 20 years that looks like someone had put Notre Dame for restoration, then said “fuck it”, attached big rockets to the scaffolding and launched it all into orbit. No communication is coming from the derelict ship, and no signs of life or power are evident. As the Palomino gets closer to the larger vessel, the gravitational “turbulence” that was rocking the ship suddenly quiets as if shut off. The Cygnus is in a bubble of anti-gravity that prevents it from being caught by the black hole (oooooooh!).

Apparently forgetting about the effects of forward momentum, the crew of the Palomino find themselves drifting out of that protective field and back into the sway of the black hole (oooooooh!). Fully caught, things start going awry in the engineering section as well and a panel bursts open outside. This allows the other science officer, Dr. Kate McCrae (Yvette Mimieux), to demonstrate her telepathic rapport with Vincent, who is working on the exterior damage. Durant, with the assistance of journalist Harry Booth (Ernest Borgnine), repairs most of the damage, but announces to Capt. Holland that they don’t have the parts to fully fix everything and are at risk of losing their oxygen supply. Left with little alternative, Holland orders Second Officer Charles Pizer (Joseph Bottoms) to dock with the Cygnus. As the Palomino makes its approach, the Cygnus suddenly lights up, disproving the suspicion that the craft had been abandoned.

Once docked, the crew makes their way inside. Even though the ship has power and life support, and there is no evidence of damage, the interiors are empty and disused. Kate has hope, however, because her father was stationed on the Cygnus. Because of the ship’s immense size, they have to take a tram to the forward control tower. Upon arriving there, they find the command center manned by mute robots that look like Benedictine monks with a cool reflective faceplate – and Maximilian. Maximilian is the only not-dippy-looking robot in the picture, bearing a resemblance to a Cobra action figure for G.I. Joe, complete with rotating blades.

There is one human remaining on board, however: Dr. Hans Reinhardt. Reinhardt was the commander of the Cygnus, which ignored its orders from Earth to return home. Reinhardt explains to the members of the Palomino that the Cygnus was severely damaged in a meteor shower, and he ordered the crew to abandon ship. They did not make it back, however, and Kate’s father (who elected to remain on board) has died. For 20 years Reinhardt has been studying the black hole (oooooooh!), negating its pull by creating an anti-gravity shield, and creating the monk-like servant robots and dippy-looking armed sentries to assist him. Reinhardt welcomes his visitors as guests and extends his hospitality.

As the crew wanders about the Cygnus, some oddities appear: Capt. Holland witnesses a funeral held by the servitor robots; Harry investigates the ship’s greenhouse and sees a massively stocked garden capable of feeding well over a hundred people and then watches the greenhouse minder robot walk away with a limp. The crew later dines with Reinhardt and he explains his ultimate goal: to pilot the Cygnus into the black hole (oooooooh!) and investigate what’s on the other side. While most of them are more concerned with the safety of making such a trip, Durant is intrigued with Reinhardt’s research and wants to stay on board to witness it firsthand.

Meanwhile, in parts storage Vincent finds another robot, Bob (voiced by Slim Pickens), who is an earlier model of Vincent’s series. Bob informs Vincent that his companions are in danger because Reinhardt is batshit insane. The Cygnus really DID get its recall message, but Reinhardt refused to acknowledge it. The former crew looked to McCrae (Kate’s father) for support and they attempted to take over the ship. They failed, however, and Reinhardt ordered McCrae and the other ringleaders executed. The rest of the crew were subjected to a kind of lobotomy to make them more pliable and less prone to resistance. Declaring that new fact to be the last straw, Capt. Holland decides to jump ship in the Palomino, but unfortunately still needs to fetch Kate and Durant who are with Reinhardt. Durant is still adamant about staying with Reinhardt, having been swayed by the opportunity to participate in something truly historical. Kate receives the news of her father and the crew telepathically from Vincent and explains to Durant what she knows. Barely believing, Durant corners a servitor and removes its faceplate – revealing a wizened man behind it. Horrified, both Durant and Kate try to make their exit, only to be blocked by Maximilian, who disembowels Durant. Kate is then escorted to the hospital to be “treated.” Vincent informs Holland as to what has happened to Durant and Kate and they group with Bob to the infirmary to rescue her, leaving Charlie and Harry to warm up the ship. They get pinned down after fetching Kate, so Charlie drags a reluctant Harry to help, only to get into a firefight themselves. Harry tells Charlie that his leg got broken in the scuffle, so Charlie leaves him behind. However, Harry was only faking his injury and uses the opportunity to try and escape. But Harry is a journalist, not an astronaut, so once the Palomino has taken off, he finds himself barely able to control the ship – especially when it gets caught in the black hole’s gravity. Reinhardt orders the Palomino destroyed before it crashes into the Cygnus, but after the smaller vessel is struck, it crashes anyway!

At this point the wheels of the movie start coming off. The crew, now stranded, has to make their way BACK through the Cygnus to get to Reinhardt’s probe ship and use it to escape. Reinhardt, has had enough of the pesky humans disrupting his perfect little science experiment and orders them liquidated. And all the while that’s going on, he orders the Cygnus to be pointed into the black hole (remember that?) for its final decent. Unfortunately a plot-driven storm of meteors strike the ship, knocking it hella off course, but the crazy-pantsed scientist still orders the ship to continue its descent - only to be crushed by one of the big-damn TV screens in the control room.

Holland and Co. make their way to the probe ship which is adjacent to the greenhouse. A shooting match with the sentries is cut short by a meteor scratching a hole into the structures roof and here the movie shows its full sneering disdain for the laws of physics as our characters treat such things as zero-atmosphere environments and decompression with the same worried concern that one would give a nasty storm (I’m serious, they walk outside the ship unprotected, making the black hole seem more like hurricane Rita). Needless to say, they make it to the probe ship, but then discover after it launches that it’s been programmed by Reinhardt to go through the black hole. After a semi-tense sequence of our travelers swirling in the vortex segues into surreal heaven/hell imagery (where the body of Reinhardt gets encapsulated into Maximilian), we see the probe ship exit the black hole intact - the end.

Now you would think that I hate this movie, but on the contrary, I love this movie. The Black Hole represents everything that I love about stoopid movies: overblown effects, convoluted drama, token name actors, and best of all – a sense of purpose in spite of how bizarrely it’s executed. At no point do any of the actors inwardly wince at the eye-rolling dialog they have to deliver – in fact, they seem to be enjoying it. And for a movie as cheese-laden as this is, some of the performances are pretty good – particularly the interaction between Maximilian Schell and Anthony Perkins as Reinhardt and Durant respectively. Durant’s temptation to do something other than be the “science guy” on an exploratory vessel is pretty palpable, and he has a pretty gnarly death scene to boot.

The perplexing thing about the movie is that in summary it sounds pretty cool: crew finds a lost spacecraft parked next to a freaky astronomical phenomenon that’s run by a weirdo scientist and his army of creepy robots. And for a while it looks like Disney really was trying to reach out to grownups and prove they aren’t just around to make more flicks with Herbie, The Love Bug. But unfortunately, they also tried to have their cake and eat it too by dumbing down the action and introducing unnecessary odious comedic moments via the cutesy market-driven robots, all so they can entice the grownup audience to bring their kids in too. Fortunately Disney eschewed the “kid tested, adult approved” idea for grownup movies when it made Tron three years later.

Line of the movie: “I don't mean to sound superior, but I hate the company of robots.”

Four stars. I think he said “oil can”!