The Virgin Spring (1960)

(Originally released as Jungfrukällan)

Starring: Max Von Sydow, Birgitta Valberg, Gunnel Lindbolm, Birgitta Pettersson, Axel Duberg, Tor Isedal

First, the Lowdown: A young girl is murdered. Her killers unwittingly turn to her father for shelter in the night.

Dawn breaks on a farm in the Swedish countryside. A pregnant girl, Ingeri, rousts the fire and begins the early morning chores in the farms main house, but pauses to say a prayer to Odin. Later she is chastised, by Mareta, her devoutly Christian foster mother for staying up too late dancing.

At breakfast, Tore, the head of the household asks Mareta where their daughter, Karin, is because she hasn't helped with any of the daily chores, and they need her to deliver candles to the local church in time for Good Friday. (Tradition holds that a virgin deliver them on.) Mareta insists that Karin is too ill to make such a journey, but Tore is firm. In Karin's room, it turns out that she is not sick at all, merely lethargic from sleeping too much. Upon being woken by her mother, Karin greets her brightly and insists on being dressed in her finest yellow silk shift, fur-lined cape, and embroidered skirt.

Outside, Tore and Mareta prepare Karin's horse. Karin insists that Ingeri join her because the road is long and lonely. Ingeri reluctantly agrees. Along the way they encounter a woodsman's cabin at the edge of the forest. The darkness of the forest frightens Ingeri, and she panics. The woodsman offers to take her in so that Karin can continue her journey.

Further down her path, Karin encounters three herdsmen – two men and a boy – who are instantly attracted to the young girl. Quickly the rush to introduce themselves, at least one of them does – the other adult has had his tongue cut from his mouth and the boy is too shy. They ask Karin who she is and where she is from. Karin tells them a story about being the daughter of a great king in a giant castle, which they all laugh about. She invites them to share her meal.

Meanwhile Ingeri stay at the woodsman's cabin is putting her more on edge. The man tells her that it has been far too long since he has has a woman with him. He also says he recognizes Ingeri as a worshiper of the old ways and shows her his offering to Odin. (Which includes a finger.) Frightened, Ingeri flees the cabin to try to catch up with Karin.

Karin's meal with the herdsmen goes well, until begin pressing how pretty she is. At first Karin takes the compliments demurely, but upon looking at her guests their hidden intentions suddenly dawn on her. She tries to flee them, but they quickly catch her and force themselves on her. After they finish they begin looting her belongings and the mute herdsman clubs Karin to death with a staff. On a nearby hill, Ingeri witnesses this all, too frightened to act. Ashamed at her inability to act, Ingeri runs home.

Later that evening, Tore and Mareta worry about their daughter. Tore is sure that Karin decided to stay the night at the church because of how late it is, but Maret is inconsolable. At the door, however, the herdsmen come calling. They seek shelter from the coming evening and Tore invites them in to wait out the night.

This is the first Bergman film I've had the opportunity to watch and I have to say I loved it thoroughly. I've heard many a filmgoer complain about the open silences that populate his films, but here it adds to the atmosphere. Coming from an era where even stereo sound wasn't possible in theaters, having spans of nothing by ambient sounds playing only makes the viewing experience more immersive.

One thing I was intrigued by is that for a film filled with archetypes, the characters (for the most part) are fairly well rounded. Karin is indeed virginal and naive, but in way that is the product of a sheltered existence. Ingeri is the foil to Karin's virgin, and she is in many ways – she's disobedient, rebellious, and not even devout. And yet the movie only pits them against each other briefly.

Even more interesting for me is Max Von Sydow as Tore. Like most Americans, the earliest role I've seen him in was that of Father Merrin. There, and in every role I've subsequently seen him in, he looks about 60. So it's very odd for me to see him be almost youthful. It's his strength of presence that I think carries best here. Von Sydow looks very much like a farm's patrician, meting out discipline with the same strength he uses to turn his fields.

Line of the movie: “It's the same with people. They quiver like a leaf in the storm, afraid of what they know and what they don't know.”

Four and a half stars. Monkey enema!

Happy Endings (2005)

Starring: Lisa Kudrow, Steve Coogan, Jesse Bradford, Bobby Cannavale, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jason Ritter

First, the Lowdown: A series of connected stories about people's lives and loves.

Mamie is an abortion counselor who as signed up for a massage. She's nervous at first, especially when she finds out she is going to be serviced by a man instead of a woman. Her tension only increases when the Latino masseur begins to seduce her. The tension is broken, however, when the pair of them start laughing, Turns out Mamie has been dating her regular masseur, Javier (a big no-no in the massage profession).

Meanwhile, Mamie's neurotic stepbrother, Charlie has problems of his own. Charlie's partner, Gil, was the sperm donor for a lesbian couple (one of whom is Gil's best friend) who are now the happy parents of a beautiful boy. The problem is, the couple claim that they used alternate sperm to sire the child because Gil's wasn't compatible. Charlie isnt' convinced they were wholly honest with them about it, however, and is determined to find the truth, one completely neurotic way or another.

Otis works at Charlie's restaurant. And is gay. But doesn't know how to tell anyone, especially his rich father. Desperate to cover up his homosexuality, he lets himself be seduced by professional golddigger, Jude. Jude, being the opportunist she is, quickly trades up Otis for his father, Frank. Frank recently lost his wife and has been dating women young enough to be his own kid to try and recapture a sense of vitality: even as they fleece him for all he's worth.

Mamie, however has bigger things to worry about. A desperate filmmaker, Nicky, knows about the whereabouts of the child she had given up for adoption when she was 17. Desperate to get into the American Film Institute, Nicky tries to set up a reunion between Mamie and her estranged kid so he can film it. Mamie tells Nicky where he can stick that idea, however, so instead Nicky decides to use the information he has on her to blackmail her into making a documentary instead.

Got all that?

Ever since Paul T. Anderson's Magnolia hit the screen there have been multiple imitators trying to put a new spin on the “talking heads” movie by having it involve people who are only tenuously connected to each other. Director Don Roos wants to go one step further toward “originality” however, by putting witty captions between scene changes. While the titles are very witty (my favorite: “When you're a gay man, you have to feel good about yourself when a urologist says, 'Yeah. I pick you.'”), they otherwise come off like that super-annoying guy who has seen the movie thousands of times before and can't help but give you annoying spoilers while you watch it for the first time.

Not only are they kind of unnecessary, but the way they're implemented makes it feel like the director is too afraid of his material becoming too moody and depressing. (Example immediately after one of the characters is hit by a car a caption assures us 'She's not dead'). The meat of the movie comes from the interplay between Jude, Otis, and Frank. Jude's focused cynicism cuts through the foggy cluelessness that both Frank and Otis share. And the movie unfairly seems to focus on them more than any of the other plot threads. It's as if the director emulated the wannabe filmmaker Nickie by coming up with something that one only partially thought through.

Line of the movie: “She's a mother. It's a sick, sick bond. Think of yours; think of mine. It's unwholesome.”

Three and a half stars. Insert witty comment here.

Donnie Darko (2001)

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Holmes Osborne, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Mary McDonnell, James Duval, Daveigh Chase

First, the Lowdown: A teenage boy starts hallucinating about a man in a bunny costume. And then it gets weird.

Fall 1988. America finds itself saying goodbye to the Reagan Administration, and finds itself not yet ready to let go. Meanwhile, in the Darko household, the dinner conversation takes an uncomfortable turn as the eldest sister, Elizabeth, announces to her Republican-leaning parents that she's voting for Democratic nominee Michael Dukakis. (Personal aside, despite finding Dukakis a less-than-evil choice to Bush, Sr., I find it difficult to see how anyone would vote for a person whose name has “cock” in the middle of it.) The resulting debate ends with Elizabeth being excoriated for her choice, and thusly steering the conversation to a more immediate concern: the fact that Donnie has stopped taking his medicine.

Donnie has been diagnosed with unspecified emotional problems and is a chronic sleepwalker. One evening during one such bout of somnambulism, a figure in a disturbing rabbit costume named Frank appears to Donnie and tells him that the world will end in 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, and 12 seconds. That same evening a jet engine detaches from its plane and plummets into Donnie's room. If he had not been sleepwalking, he would have been killed.

The next day, the FAA come to the Darko family and offer to house them in a hotel whilst they repair their house. As further incentive, they give the Darkos a substantial settlement for their inconvenience, provided that they family signs a non-disclosure waiver preventing them from talking about the incident to anyone. Curiously enough, the feds are having difficulty identifying the engine, as there were no flights within the vicinity of their area, and the serial numbers that would tell them what plane it came from are burnt away.

On the way to his therapist, his dad nearly hits an elderly recluse that the town's children have dubbed “Grandma Death.” They swerve out of the way, and as Donnie escorts her back to her house, the old woman whispers something in his ear that disturbs him. That evening, Donnie dreams about walking into the boiler room of his high school and flooding it. Waking up the next day he finds out that indeed someone has chopped open the water main of his school, buried the hatchet used into the head of the school mascot (the “Mongrel”), and spray painted “they made me do it” underneath.

Later on, Donnie meets Gretchen, a new girl at the school with problems of her own. It seems that her stepfather tried stabbing her mother to death, now the two of them have moved to a new city under a new name to prevent any further problems. Gretchen is intrigued by Donnie's quirky intelligence and the two of them begin dating in earnest. Donnie's lashing out to authority figures (the high-strung gym teacher, the confidence counselor during a presentation) only endears her more to him.

Donnie Darko is certainly a bizarre flick, which is surprising that it is as accessible as is to most people. The fact that Donnie is in high school (at the same time period as much of the movie's audience) is probably the major factor. I admire the fact that the Darko family has its rough edges, but the filmmakers don't take the “let's put the fun in dysfunctional” tactic. It's been too easy a cop-out for writers to say “oh, the main character isn't craze, it's his family that's making him crazy.” As the film explores Donnie's interactions with the adults in his life, it's easy to see how difficult it is to find a common ground with an emotionally troubled teen. Donnie's parents, especially his mother, are somewhat distant towards him, but in a way that shows they're scared of upsetting him further.

Another intriguing aspect is the “maybe crazy people see the world differently” angle the movie takes. People have often tried making a comparison between Frank in this movie and Harvey with Jimmy Stewart. Unfortunately what they don't realize is there is nothing whimsical about Frank (at most he gets enigmatic, which is not quite the same thing.) Where Harvey is a symptom of empowerment through imagination, Frank is most certainly a symptom of Donnie's illness (and not always an empowering one). Combine that with a time-travel subplot (just stick with me here) and you've got one weird flick.

Line of the Movie: “The children have to save themselves these days because the parents have no clue.”

Four stars. Avocado is the new black.

Heights (2005)

Starring: Glenn Close, Elizabeth Banks, James Marsden, Jesse Bradford, Thomas Lennon, Matt Davis

First, the Lowdown: Five New Yorkers have to decide between their own complacent path and the life they want.

On stage a leather-jacketed Lord Macbeth is goaded to murder by his Lady, who presses a revolver into his hand to complete his bloody deed. The players are interrupted by their teacher, Diana Lee, who reminds scorns them for taking a simple task of quiet assassination in Shakespeare's drama and twisting it into a scene out of Scarface. “We have lost passion,” she wails to her students and challenges them to take a risk sometime during the next week before dismissing class.

Diana's daughter, Isabel, has been eking out an living as a wedding photographer – a job that she finds stressful because it disrupts her own personal photography and only emphasizes how stressful her own big day is going to be in the next few months. Her fiancé, Jonathan, has stressors of his own as he is Jewish and Isabel is not. Complicating this is Diana, who is insisting on dressing Isabel like a Shakespearean fairy for her wedding.

Meanwhile Alec, who lives in the same building as the couple to be, has a dilemma of his own. He has an audition for an Off-Broadway production, which will finally pull him away from his position as a cater-waiter and the tidbits of acting that is available for people working for free (namely the Fringe Festival). What he didn't know (like all good actors should prior to auditioning) is that the play he is trying out for is directed by Diana Lee. This fact puts him ill at ease.

At the audition, Diana is rather impressed by Alec's performance (perhaps TOO impressed, wink-nudge) and invites him to a soirée that she is hosting with the most prominent of New York's art community. Alec has to respectfully decline as he has an important date with someone that evening. Further frustrating Diana is the fact her husband has stopped flirting discreetly with her understudy and instead has brought it out in the open.

Meanwhile, Peter has arrived at the offices of Vanity Fair and is greeted by the editor. Peter has arrived from London to help out with the article Vanity Fair is doing about Peter's boyfriend – renowned photographer Benjamin Stone. More specifically, they want a perspective of Benjamin Stone given by the artist's models – all of which Benjamin has dated and/or slept with. In his search, one of the first people Peter contacts is Jonathan, who thought he had put that dalliance behind him (both emotionally and legally.)

Heights is voyeuristic in the the same way that watching a confrontation on Jerry Springer is voyeuristic, only without the chanting audience and bouncers. After the first half-hour we have a pretty good idea of the setup, and in the next half-hour it becomes more obvious to us that our players are going to react when the chips are down.

If anything, this movie reifies how frustrating it can be to stay in a rut and the motivations that people have to be in them. The more Isabel thinks about her upcoming marriage, the less sure she is about it. Conversely, the more Jonathan worries about his past biting him in the ass, the more he clings to being married. Peter realizes that the “errand” he is on was nothing more than a contrivance for Benjamin Stone to fuck around, but has a choice to keep flagellating himself with denial or step away from it. Finally, Alec's important meeting (that he may have jeopardized his audition with by skipping a party for) is all about him being sick and tired of the habit he's gotten into with his partner.

Over all of this presides Diana. While she really has no rut she is trying to break free from (if anything she stays firmly in her own idiom even though it sometimes hurts her), Diana is the hub from where all of our stories are connected to. Although it is established that Diana will be performing as Lady Macbeth in an upcoming production, director Chris Terrio thankfully avoids using any subtext from that play in his film. I kept waiting for Diana to be cruelly manipulative, but instead an entirely different character emerged.

Line of the movie: “Know what you should do? You should fuck them, and I mean that literally – fuck them all for revenge.”

Four stars. Everything's coming up roses.

Waiting... (2005)

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Anna Faris, Justin Long, David Koechner, Luis Guzman, Chi McBride, John France Daly

First, the Lowdown: A 20-something ponders whether he really wants to be waiting tables the rest of his life.

Shenanigans is a corporate based “party restaurant” (ala Applebee's), complete with seating that centers on a bar, and random knick-knack detritus stapled to the walls. (Why is it that places like this have to decorate as if they've taken a nine-year old with ADD and a glue gun to an antiques mall?) But stalking the grounds like the starving predators of the Africa's savannah are the people who work there.

Dean is a twenty-something slacker who is sleepwalking is way through community college for that elusive (and somewhat useless) AA degree. His day opens with a meal with his mother, who spends the entire time reminding him that his classmates from high school are all moving on to successful jobs that aren't waiting tables at Shenanigans. His best friend, Monty, is also a waiter at the same establishment, and manages to slough off the drudgery of his job by having a snarky witticism for everything that he encountered.

Enter Mitch, a wide-eyed babe in the woods as far as the restaurant is concerned. As a new hire he has to learn the routine of serving food to the patrons and where everything is, and most importantly be always on the ready for the Penis Game. The Penis Game was introduced as a way to alleviate the boredom of their jobs and entails the following: a guy whips out his genitals like he's a cast-off from Puppetry of the Penis in the hopes that some hapless coworker will walk into the room and get a steaming pile of man-flesh in his eye sockets. Those caught looking are called “fag” and kicked in the posterior. Kinda like a fraternity initiation, only they don't sodomize you with a bottle of Corona as well.

Dean is approached by their manager, Dan, who wants to groom him for the prestigious role of assistant manager. This is supposed to generate conflict, I guess: Dean's co-workers see having one of their own being promoted as one step towards douchebaggery. While Dean sees some of the perks as being attractive (a 20% employee discount? Oh yeah, make that TWO orders of chili fries!), but also sees him eventually hanging himself with the tie of his uniform later down the road.

Since Kevin Smith's Clerks has come out, more and more people are releasing movies based on the “you think your job sucks?” premise. Most of my friends and co-workers have made comparisons to Waiting with Office Space. And understandably so, both movies have the fatal flaw of not providing us with characters but with archetypes. But where Waiting is unfortunately different, is that it has very little cohesion to it's plot. The director thinks that a series of kinda-characters acting out the little anecdotes you read on the Customers Suck blog is the same as a movie. It's not a movie, I'm afraid – it's a sitcom. While most of the gags presented are enough to evince a chuckle, most of the "humor" comes out as a desperate attempt to add more energy to the funny. (Piece of advice, you do that through writing not dick jokes).

The most satisfying moment of the movie comes at the end where Mitch the New Guy vents his spleen to everyone and calls Dane Cook a steaming pile of shit (and tell me, who hasn't wanted to say that to Dane Cook?) If the best part of a movie is that it has a good Network-style rant at the end, what does that tell you for the rest?

Line of the movie: “You're the coolest fuckin' guy at Shenaniganz! WHOOO! That's like being the smartest kid with Down's syndrome!”

Three stars. 15% is the minimum gratuity.

The King Of Masks (1996)

(Originally released as Bian Lian)

Starring: Zhigang Zhang, Zhigang Zhao, Renying Zhou, Xu Zhu

First, The Lowdown: An elderly street performer looks for an heir to pass the secrets of his trade to, but finds it harder to do than he thinks.

In a riverside village, a street peddler performs for an entranced crowd. The performer, Wang, specializes in an elaborate mask dance - where he changes masks with the flick of his hand. This is witnessed by Liang, a famous female impersonator with the Sichuan opera – whose most famous role is retelling the legend of Quan Yin. Liang invites Wang to tea where e expresses his amazement at the older man's talents and offers Wang a position with the opera company. Wang prefers his solitary life and politely demurs. Liang asks Wang about who would take his place when the older man dies. But Wang has no disciple - his only child died when he was 10, and the art of the masks is one that is passed on from father to son. Liang implores Wang to find some way of making sure that his art survives.

A recent flood of a nearby village has saturated the poorer quarters of the town with desperate refugees. Their need is so great that they are looking to sell their children into service because they can no longer care for them. Wang looks there for a heir, but finds mostly girls. Just as he is about to leave, an 8-year old boy calls out to him. Wang is taken in by the boy's appearance that he buys him from his father, who sells him gladly. Later on his boat, Wang names his new charge “Doggie,” and asks the boy why his father didn't seem disappointed in losing a son. Doggie shows Wang the bruises on his arm and tells him that he was beaten regularly. Wang promises to take care of him and never to raise a hand to the boy ever.

Life seems blissful for the pair, until it is revealed that Doggie is a girl. Since Wang's tradition is one that is passed from father to son, he feels both betrayed and swindled. Angry at this turn of events, Wang tries to turn Doggie away with a handful of money, but she instead begs him to take her in as a servant. Having been already moved by the child, albeit deceitfully, Wang agrees to let her stay.

The best thing about The King Of Masks is that it's a movie with much social commentary, but doesn't resort to too much soapboxing (although it does happen). Chinese traditionalism values boys over girls, something that is starting to come back to haunt them: in spite of its population of over 1 billion, China's obsession with male progeny has caused their population to decrease. Even with though Mao's communist reformations valued all members of the proletariat equally, whether male or female, the population at large has found it a hard practice to let go of.

With its lush sets and interesting portrayal of almost forgotten performing arts, I was often reminded of Farewell My Concubine, so much so that I was bracing myself for a fast-forward to the 1960s and Chairman Mao's “Cultural Revolution.” But fortunately, it spends less time being political and more time trying to prove that sometimes the only way an ancient art can survive is by evolution, not tradition.

Line of the movie: “Even a beggar has many ways of beating away dogs.”

Four stars. Don't whiz on the electric fence.

The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe (2005)

Starring: Georgie Henley, Skandar Keynes, William Moseley, Anna Popplewell, Tilda Swinton, James McAvoy

First, The Lowdown: A group of children wander into the magic kingdom of Narnia, and become hunted by it's ruler.

London, September 1940. As the British Army pulls back from their defeat in France, the German Luftwaffe presses forward to gain air superiority over the Royal Air Force. Those of His Majesty's citizens still in disbelief of the war lasting longer than Christmas are woken up as the Blitzkrieg brings the bombings to their front doorstep. At the Pevensie household, the frantic Mrs. Pevensie ushers her children, Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy to the outside bomb shelter as air raid sirens wail in the background. Edmund rushes back inside to the house, against everyone's wishes, to retrieve the photograph of their father, who is fighting with the Army.

Having realized that the war is no longer something reported about on the radio, Mrs. Pevensie (like thousands of others) arrange to have her children sent off to the countryside to stay at the home of the reclusive Professor Kirke. Upon their arrival, the stern head servant, Mrs. MacReady, gives a long list of restrictions, thusly declaring the spacious mansion a “No Fun Zone” for anyone without a baccalaureate.

One rainy day, with nothing else to do, the Pevensie children play hide and seek. Lucy finds her way to an upstairs storage room and hides in its only occupant, a large handcrafted wardrobe filled with heavy fur coats. As she presses further inside, Lucy finds that the is suddenly standing in a snow covered forest clearing with a lamppost. After a few minutes of wandering, she runs into Tumnus, a fawn who is just as surprised to see her as she is him. Tumnus invites Lucy to his cave for tea, and explains that she is in the land of Narnia, which has been ruled by the White Witch, who insures that it is always winter, but never Christmas. When Lucy reveals that she is a human, Tumnus informs her that the White Witch has ordered all humans be brought before her, under pain of death. Tumnus has a sudden change of heart and leads Lucy back to the lamppost so she may return to where she came.

When Lucy leaves the wardrobe she discovers that only a few seconds have passed. Quickly rushing to her other siblings, she tells them of everything she saw, only to have it dismissed as the fevered imaginings of a child. In fact, when Peter investigates the wardrobe, he finds it completely sealed. As they bed down, Lucy sneaks out to go back to the wardrobe, only to be followed by Edmund. This time, the land of Narnia is on the other side of the wardrobe, and Edmund finds himself separated from Lucy. The jingling of sleigh bells draws Edmund to a reindeer driven sledge bearing a slender, pale woman all in white. The woman introduces herself as the Queen of Narnia and asks Edmund of his origin. Edmund, not knowing that this is the White Witch, tells her that he is indeed human. The Queen tells Edmund to bring his siblings to her castle, and that if he does so, he will be made a prince. After being dismissed, Edmund makes his way back to the lamppost and quickly back to his world with Lucy. Once again, Lucy tells Peter and Susan of her new adventure in Narnia and presents Edmund's collaboration as proof. Edmund, realizing the seriousness of what he has told the White Witch, does not want them to venture further into that world and again dismisses the whole thing as a game with Lucy.

The next day's weather is much nicer than it had been previously, and the Pevensie children decide to have a cricket match in the lawn outside. Edmund's swing at bat proves a bit too strong and their ball ends up shattering the window to the Professor's study. Fearing the impending rage of Mrs. MacReady, the children scramble upstairs to hide in Lucy's wardrobe, and find themselves in the land of Narnia. After gloating in vindication, Lucy leads them to Tumnus's cave, only to see that it has been ransacked. A written decree on the floor has declared Tumnus a traitor to the Queen for failing to bring Lucy to her – and the punishment is death. Having realized that Narnia is just as dangerous as Earth, Peter tells his siblings that they should return home. However, outside a talking beaver beseeches the children to follow him to a safe shelter, for they are being tracked. Mr. and Mrs. Beaver greet the children warmly, but also tell them they are in grave danger. Having strayed into the land of Narnia, they may very well fulfill an ancient prophesy, which states that when two Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve sit at the four thrones of Cair Paravel, the White Witch's reign will be usurped. Determined to not have this come about, the White Witch has declared that all humans are to be brought before her – and executed.

However, Mr. Beaver has word that the exiled and true King of Narnia, Aslan the Lion, is amassing an army on the outskirts, waiting for the proper moment to strike and fulfill the prophecy.

In any fantasy literary circle, once you start talking about J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, you eventually get to talking about C.S. Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia. Indeed, if you do an analysis of both authors, you begin note the similarities between their field of study and the thematic elements of their writing. Tolkien was a linguist, with a keen interest in Old English and its origins in the German and Norse dialects. Thusly, his most famous opus reads much like a dry, yet concise prosaic translation of Beowulf, complete with appendices and a concordance. Lewis, on the other hand, was a student of medieval literature, and a devout Christian apologist – having published About Christianity and The Screwtape Letters many years previous to Narnia. As such, Narnia (especially the first few volumes) comes across as a gross oversimplification of the Crucifixion, but watered down for a younger audience. And that I think is the significant difference between the two authors. Tolkien's characters are broadly archetypal, fitting in with most Germanic and Arthurian legend. Lewis, however, merely translates biblical metaphor literally – the messianic “Lion of Narnia” is scourged, executed and resurrected (trust me, that's not a spoiler, it becomes eye-rollingly obvious the more Aslan is on the screen); and what doesn't come from the bible seems to conveniently be borrowed from William Shakespeare. (The unwitting traitor is named Edmund? C'mon.)

Having not read the books recently, my memory of Wardrobe is a little hazy. As it is, I remember thinking that the Pensevies came off as written by someone who did not find himself entirely comfortable with children, so it is refreshing to see that in this telling of the story, our central characters were given a bit more depth (and actually behaved like children.)

Line of the movie: “Some children just don't know when to stop pretending.”

Three and a Half stars. Best when served warm.

Stardust (2007)

Starring: Michelle Pfeiffer, Kate Magowan, Melanie Hill, Charlie Cox, Sienna Miller, Robert De Niro, Claire Danes

First, the Lowdown: A boy steps into a magical land to retrieve a star. And then it gets weird.

There are two kingdoms in the land of England – the magical kingdom of Stormhold and the quite normal land of Her Majesty's domain. The Stormhold is enclosed by a stone wall, but much like the wall of King Hadrian, it was erected not so much as to prevent us from coming in, but to prevent them from getting out. On the normal side of the wall dwells the tiny country hamlet of Wall (natch), whose original purpose was probably to serve as a garrison against those pesky magic using types, but has since faded into obscurity – and a guard of one who minds the wall's only gap.

Tristan is a poor shop boy who has dreams of living beyond the small lot cast him – one them involving the local beauty, Victoria. However, Tristan's means of courting her are not terribly successful, so in a last ditch attempt he vows to bring back to Victoria a star that has fallen on the other side of the wall.

Unbeknownst to Tristan, Stormhold has some problems of it's own. The aged king is dying, and not one of his seven sons has survived killing the others to become the sole heir. (Although four have already passed on to the next life). Since the king can no longer wait to see who outlasts the tontine he casts his ruby necklace out to the kingdom, with the charge that whoever finds it will be king. The ruby, however, is precisely what has knocked the star out of the sky that Tristan is seeking, who upon landing on Earth is a golden-tressed woman named Yvaine. So on waking, the first thing Yvaine does is put on the ruby necklace.

However, Tristan is not the only one looking for the star. Three sisters of the dark arts also are seeking her. If you were to woo a star so that it attains full brightness, and then cut out its heart, you will be granted eternal life. Years of magic use have taken its toll on the witches, and it's been over 400 years since they last seduced a star.

Got all that?

The problem with fantasy is that it's hard to bring complexity to the plot without completely losing your audience. For all of it's glitter and special effects, The Lord of the Rings is an epic length reverse Holy Grail legend with Homer's Iliad thrown in to keep the audience awake. Stardust's major failing is that it borrows from quite a few well known themes (Shakespeare's Macbeth and King Lear easily come to mind), but then then puts a new spin on subjects that are probably lost on anyone who didn't pay full attention in English Lit 201. (The village of Wall is straight out of a Thomas Hardy novel.)

In essence, Stardust is a quest story with a bit of romance thrown in. (It's also been unfairly compared to The Princess Bride, which was a romance with a bit of quest thrown in.) So like all quest stories, it's just one damn thing after another with little to explain for it.

As interesting as it is to bring in two sets of antagonists that are completely unaware of one another, it gets really confusing until the climax when our groups of villains have nearly annihilated each other. I'm thinking that if instead of dealing with a cadre of brothers and a trio of sisters, it should've been one or the other. (There's also a bit about Tristan's mother tossed in a few places, but it seems like an afterthought.)

Finally, Robert De Niro's role as Captain Shakespeare is a treat, but fits a little too neat into the plot. (Since Pirates of the Carribean I'm starting to notice the rise of a “Magic Pirate” stereotype.) Fortunately De Niro doesn't try to hack up an English accent, so he comes off as a longshoreman with his own dirigible.

Don't get me wrong, Stardust is a very fun film and it has one thing that many quest movies lack: momentum (I'm looking at you Krull). The audience gets easily swept along with our main characters, though at times it fees like you're being pulled along by an over-enthusiastic 5 year old. It also uses special effects to a practical purpose, without overemphasizing the “ooh, ahh” aspect of them.

It's also a fantasy film that was made for fans of fantasy. Much of Stardust's clunkiness is easily overlooked by the fandom demographic. (And Gaiman's writing has an popular following itself) But unless you're the type that gets easily obsessed with fairies and dragons, this may come off as interesting to you as a Star Trek sequel.

Line of the movie: “Murdered by pirates, heart torn out and eaten, meet Victoria. I can't quite decide which sounds more fun.”

Four stars. Put two under your tongue and dissolve slowly.

Blue (1993)

(Originally released as Trois Couleurs: Bleu)

Starring: Juliette Binoche, Benoit Regent, Florence Pemel, Charlotte Very, Helene Vincent, Philippe Volter

First, The Lowdown: The wife of a famous composer loses her husband and daughter, and runs away from her grief.

A hitchhiker walks down a country road. Yet another car passes by ignoring him, but then swerves off the road and crashes into a tree. He approaches slowly, then increasingly urgently when he sees the extent of the damage.

One of the passengers, Julie, wakes up in a hospital bed. She is severely concussed and her arm is in a cast. She can barely speak, and after waking the attending doctors regretfully inform her that both her husband, Patrice, and daughter did not survive the crash. Too lost in a fog of pain and painkillers, she passes out.

So severe are Julie's injuries that she cannot be moved from the hospital to attend the funeral for her husband and child. Because her Patrice was a famous composer charged with writing a symphony for the unification of Europe, she watches his memorial on a portable television. When Julie is finally mobile, she tries to kill herself, but cannot bring herself to follow through with it.

Returning to the expansive villa that was her home with Patrice, but it is filled with too many memories. Still Julie shows no grief and arranges to have the house and all of its belongings sold. Olivier, Patrice's colleague (and Julie's lover) arrives to take care of some of Patrice's notes. Olivier still cares for Julie very much and is worried about her well being. Julie makes love to him one last time before leaving without another word.

Julie moves into a flat in Paris, hoping to live anonymously and without attachment. However, this is not as easy as it seems – the more she flees the feelings of loss and sorrow for her husband and child, the more they surface tangentially. And despite her attempt to live unassumingly, Julie finds out that it is that trait that endears people to her.

Watching this film is very much like seeing Chagall's stained glass window at the U.N. come to life. As the first of Krzysztof Kieslowski's celebration to the French tricolor, Blue represents “liberty” Ironically, it is this precise concept that imprisons Julie. By sidestepping the avalanche of sadness caused by losing those she loves, Julie thinks she has liberated herself Juliette Binoche's performance is very serene, she maintains a Buddhist-like neutrality throughout most of the film, rarely showing extremes of emotion. (Another eastern allusion: she is shunning all attachment because of the “trap” that comes with it.)

Blue is a very visual film that relies on very little cinematic trickery to make it's point. Slawomir Idziak's cinematography is very painterly, but doesn't resort to broad, bombastic strokes to portray emotion. Kieslowski also knows how to use a film's score to emphasize his points, the film “blacks out” and fills with Van Den Budenmayers “Funeral Music” when Julie is confronted with her sorrow. It's nice to see a director use a fine brush on his cinematic canvas instead of sloppy euphemisms.

Line of the Movie: “Now I have only one thing left to do: nothing.”

Five stars. No animals were harmed during the making of this.

The Namesake (2006)

Starring: Irrfan Khan, Jagannath Guha, Ruma Guha Thakurta, Tabu, Sandib Deb, Sukanya, Tanushree Shankar

First, The Lowdown: An American-born son of Indian immigrants is divided between the culture of his country of birth and the traditions of his parents.

A train cuts across the Indian countryside. Inside a young man, Ashoke, wants nothing more than to read his book, Nikolai Gogol's The Overcoat – but an older man sharing his cabin on the train keeps talking to him. While the senior man extols the virtues of travel, the train derails – putting Ashoke in the hospital.

Ashoke recovers quickly. Quickly enough to meet the fiancée his parents have arranged for his to marry – Ashima. Ashoke is studying engineering in New York City, and after the couple marry, he takes her overseas to live with him. Life in New York is vastly different than India, however – the winters are harsh and cold, the sky seems perpetually gray, and while America has many technological wonders, everything is so confusing.

Soon after the pair have a son, who the initially name Gogol, a family nickname that will traditionally be changed when the child is older. As Gogol grows up, however, he becomes more attached to his name that when he begins to attend school, he refuses to go by the official name his parents have settled on, Nikhil. This would become a decision that Gogol would later regret when he grows to be a teenager named “Gogol Ganguli.” Gogol is even more upset when he finds out that the Russian author that he got his namesake from would later starve himself to death.

A quick trip to the homeland, however divides Gogol's relationship with his ancestral country feeling completely disconnected outside of America. But a visit to the Taj Mahal would give him a new goal – to study architecture. After he graduates, Gogol stops using his nickname and starts going by Nikhil.

In college, Gogol falls in love with Maxine – a loving Caucasian with open-minded parents. For all of her liberalness, Maxine still is unsure how to act in front of Gogol's parents. (For example, Gogol warns her about the Indian taboo of displaying open affection, but Maxine can't resist kissing Gogol's mother on the cheek when she says goodbye.) College away from his home has given Gogol freedom from the traditional ties that he felt burdened by as a child and more and more he distances himself from his parents. When his father dies, Gogol realizes that no matter how much space he puts between himself and his family, there is no escaping the fact that he is Indian.

Jhumpa Lahiri's The Namesake takes much of it's drama and humor from a subject she frequently visits in her writing: cultural dissonance. First with Ashima's indoctrination into American living (overinterpreting the “rice” in Rice Krispies, Ashima puts chili powder on them.) And with then Gogol's assimilation as a native-born American with Indian parents. (Lahiri's characters frequently have to deal with being the “Indian” person, even though they were born in Britain or America – to Indian parents).

Even more so is the message that as while they would prefer their children to hold to the traditions their parents grew up with, it is more important for Ashoke and Ashimi that their children feel adjusted in America. Gogol's earlier rebellion against his parents upbringing is met with a sigh of disappointed resignation instead of an angry row. Gogol even later finds out that his desire to respect his parent's traditions is not necessarily shared with other foreign-born people of Indian ancestry.

Line of the Movie: “You remind me of everything that followed. Everyday since then has been a gift.”

Four and a half stars. I do the rock.

Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

Starring: Abigail Breslin, Greg Kinnear, Paul Dano, Alan Arkin, Toni Collette, Steve Carell

First, the Lowdown: The youngest daughter of the world’s oddest family has a chance to compete in a beauty competition. ROAD TRIP!

Meet the Hoovers. Richard spends his days promoting his pathway to success course and dreaming of the big book deal in the sky that he’s going to get. Consequently, his wife, Sheryl, is the only income earner and it shows in every worry line on her face. Their sullen oldest son, Dwayne, is fully in the throes of teenage rebellion, but has decided to display it in the most unobtrusive way possible: by taking a vow of silence. Also living with them is their Grandpa, whose juvenile attitude makes Dwayne seem almost rosy and optimistic. The only beacon of normalcy in the family is Olive, who spends most of her time in pursuit of the only princess-like fantasy that a girl her age can engage in without peerage: beauty competitions. Adding to the mulligan stew of quirkiness is Frank: a Proust scholar who attempted suicide after being spurned by his gay lover.

When one of the contestants for the Little Miss Sunshine contests has to bow out, Olive is picked as a replacement. However, Sheryl and Richard’s finances are so strapped that they cannot afford to fly to Redondo Beach where the contest is located. Grandpa has been training Olive for competition for months and refuses to leave her side, and no one wants to leave the recovering suicidal Frank alone – so they all pile into the family VW for a road trip to California.

Since Bob Hope and Bing Crosby, the road movie has gotten rather formulaic as of late. In order to be interesting you have to put it in a really exotic location and/or have compellingly original characters (something that was executed on both points rather well in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.) And try as it might, Little Miss Sunshine’s characters are original, but in such a fashion that it looks like the filmmakers were trying to one-up each other in the “who can make the weirdest character” contest. (“Dad’s a failed motivational speaker!” “Oh yeah? Grandpa is a heroin addict!” “Oh yeah? Oldest son Dwayne is not only a sullen teenager, but he’s taken a VOW OF SILENCE.” “Oh yeah? Uncle Frank tried committing suicide – and he’s a GAY PROUST SCHOLAR!”) The only two characters who aren’t given any weirdness factors are also the two with the least development: Sheryl and Olive.

This brings me to my major problem with the movie. The thing about road trip movies is that the more people you shove into the car, the less likely you’re going to have character development. Sheryl and Olive are practically normal in comparison with their co-stars, and while Olive’s role serves as the catalyst for the movie (she’s the one competing, after all), Sheryl’s only purpose seems to be to bitch at the other characters. A staple of all road movies is that everyone in the car (or vehicle of conveyance) has to have some moment of personal revelation in the movie. And indeed everyone has their “moment”, except for Sheryl. Personally, I think the movie would’ve been more compellingly original if they didn’t have her present at all, but I guess the makers felt it needed more women.

That isn’t to say that I didn’t enjoy the movie. There are quite a few laugh-out-loud moments to be had here, especially the hints at children’s beauty pageants being a socially accepted form of pederasty. Steve Carell is thankfully low-key here (then again, this movie did come out before he got to be typecast as a bureaucratic douchebag). And it’s great to see Alan Arkin as a foul-mouthed jackass instead of the person who has to react uncomfortably to the foul-mouthed jackass.

Line of the movie: “So, if you sleep until you're 18. Think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school: those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.”

Three and a half stars. Keep of the grass.

La Strada (1954)

Starring: Anthony Quinn, Giulietta Masina, Richard Baseheart, Aldo Silvani, Marcella Rovere

First, The Lowdown: A poor girl is sold to a circus performer and works on the road

In the poverty-stricken countryside of postwar Italy, a traveling strongman, Zampano, arrives to the home of an aging widow with some bad news. The widow’s daughter, Rosa (who was Zampano’s assistant), met with an accident and is dead. Beyond the widow’s grief lies the fear of how she will be able to care for her children – Rosa was sending her pay to her mother to support her family. However, Gelsomina, is of the perfect age, even if she is a little slow-minded.

Life on the road isn’t all fun and games however. In line with his strongman act, Zampano is an equally brutal man who frequently belittles and abuses Gelsomina. However, he is the only family she has, and while busking from village to village is hard, it’s easier than scrounging to survive with her family in the country.

One evening, Gelsomina is awestruck by the Fool, a high-wire performer. Eventually the pair signs up with a traveling circus, where the Fool is also signed up with. However, the Fool churlishly insults Zampano, sending the strongman into a rage. Their brawl is broken up by the police, and now scandalized, the circus tells both Zampano and the Fool to leave. They offer to take Gelsomina in, but she demurs, having grown too accustomed to Zampano’s presence.

Once again drifting, Gelsomina and Zampano run into the Fool once more, changing the tire for his car off the side of a road. Zampano takes advantage of the opportunity and beats the Fool senseless. However, Zampano underestimates his strength and the Fool dies of his injuries. Horrified at the display of brute strength and saddened at the loss of one of the few people who was kind to her, Gelsomina becomes overwhelmed by sadness.

Not being very fluent in Federico Fellini’s works, I’m finding myself in an odd position. Most film critics hail La Strada as the definitive Fellini film and the best of the Italian Neorealism cinema. Not being familiar with the former of that statement, I can only say this about the latter: the best of Neorealism can be found in De Sica’s The Bicycle Thief.

The major point of contention I have for La Strada is its pacing – it seems to take a while to get anywhere, and by the time we get there the movie is almost over. Much of that time is taken up by setting the theme and then by reestablishing it over and over. By the forth or fifth iteration of seeing how harsh and abusive Zampano is to Gelsomina, I found myself hoping the director would get to the point. (Not a good sign for a film.)

On a more positive note, La Strada shows how well Fellini can present characterization. Our players are not given very much back story - in fact, any attempt at it is rebuffed: Gelsomina keeps asking Zampano about her late sister Rosa, only to be ignored. But the characters aren’t one-dimensional. If anything they appear to be both archetypal and play off each other: Zampano keeps belittling Gelsomina’s simple-mindedness, but at the same time keeps displaying a different kind of folly.

Line of the movie: “I don't know for what this pebble is useful but it must be useful. For if it’s useless, everything is useless. So are the stars!”

Three and a half stars. One size fits all

Three Extremes (2004)

(Originally released as: Saam Gaang Yi)

Starring: Bai Ling, Miriam Yeung, Lee Byung Hun, Lim Won Hee, Gang Hye Jung, Kyoko Hasegawa, Atsuro Watabe

First, The Lowdown: Three Asian directors bring their own perspective to the horror genre.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you want a fresh perspective on a genre that’s been ground down to cliché, look to foreign film. From China, Japan, and Korea comes a vignette of three stories, each one breathing new breath into horrific cinema.

“Oh, what price is vanity.” In Fruit Chan’s Dumplings, “Auntie" Mei is a cook with a perky Rachel Ray-esque demeanor, whose dumplings have been renown for their curative properties – especially for restoring beauty. However, the special filling she uses in her potstickers is something straight out of straight out of Hansel And Gretel. (I’m not going to tell you much more, let’s just say it is what you think it is when you see it.) Mrs. Li is an aging actress who has been trying to get the attention of her rich but philandering husband for years, and hopes that by looking as young as the mistresses he fools around with, she’ll succeed. After a initial tasting, Mrs. Li is convinced that she needs something more potent – and Auntie Mei willingly obliges. However, since the local clinic has been under investigation, Mei has to find her own source of “stock.”

In Park Chanwook’s Cut Ryu Ji-Ho, a famous director returns home from shooting his latest film (a vampire movie set in a house that looks identical to his own), only to be knocked out by an unknown assailant. He awakens to find that he has been returned to his set with his hands bound, and a leather strap tied to his waist to prevent him from straying too far. The Ryu’s wife, a pianist, is also there – and she too is elaborately bound and epoxied to the piano on the set. His captor is a former extra who has been in all of the Ryu’s movies. But when asked why the extra would do this, he expresses his displeasure at the Ryu’s wealth and status and sees kidnapping and torturing the man as an indictment on the Calvinist philosophies that the extra feels are prevalent in their society. The extra then offers the Ryu a proposition: he’ll let them go, if the Ryu kills a child the extra has brought with him.

In Takashi Miike’s Box Kyoko is a successful, but reclusive novelist who lives an a sparse apartment building. She is also haunted by visions of her dead sister, Shoko – who she danced with when they were circus performers. Their ringleader, however, always favored Shoko over Kyoko (in more ways than one). One evening, Kyoko locked Shoko in a box (a prop used in a magic routine) as a means to prove herself to their ringleader. However, the ringleader tries to free Shoko and the pair struggle and amidst the conflict a kerosene heater is knocked over – igniting the box Shoko was trapped in. One afternoon, Kyuko receives a mysterious invitation to the same carnival she fled from – only now to confront what is in Shoko’s box.

While watching the three segments, I was amazed at not only where each film’s inspiration lay, but also how it was used without seeming like imitation. Dumplings is in essence The Portrait of Dorian Gray told via the Brothers Grimm and presented by David Cronenburg. Cut is very Hitchcockian in nature, particularly Chanwook’s usage of close-ups. And where the story to Box recalls David Lynch’s Eraserhead to some degree, visually it bears more than a passing resemblance to a film from one of Miike’s forebears in Japan: Seijun Suzuki’s Tokyo Drifter.

I find it sadly ironic that Asian cinema has managed to present an original horror anthology by returning the genre back to its roots (something that we here in America rarely do). Instead of stomach churning gore, we have gut-wrenching tension. Instead of bogeymen in horrifying makeup, here we have human monsters to confront.

Line of the movie: “Just think of the results, not what it was.”

Five stars. I see my shadow.

Reign Over Me (2007)

Starring: Adam Sandler, Don Cheadle, Jada Pinkett Smith, Liv Tyler, Saffron Burrows, Donald Sutherland

First, The Lowdown: A dentist reunites with his college roommate, who lost his family in the 9/11 attack.

Alan Johnson practices cosmetic dentistry, has a lovely wife and two daughters, but does not have much else. His life entails staying at home and working- and that’s all. While on his afternoon commute home, Alan accidentally sees Charlie Fineman – his old roommate from dentistry school. But Alan’s attempts on getting Charlie’s attention are for naught because of the noise of traffic (and Charlie’s headphones). The next evening, however, Alan successfully meets up with his former schoolmate, only to find out that Charlie has no recollection of Alan at all.

Charlie used to be a successful dentist of his own, and then his wife and children died in the plane attack on the World Trade Center on September 11^th. The loss devastated Charlie so much that he withdrew away from anything that reminded him of his former life, instead building an insular wall that keeps him safe from painful memories, but also very alone. As such, Charlie has put everything from his put out of mind so that it can’t hurt him.

As Alan begins to hang out with Charlie, he finds that he wants to do all he can to Charlie heal his wounds. But Charlie has grown so accustomed to living has he has that he shies away from any help. The only people he has regular contact anymore is his landlady and his accountant (who used to be a close friend of Charlie’s his until the incident.) However, Alan is a new presence, and as such won’t inquire about Charlie’s family, nor will bring any reminders of them.

Meanwhile, the more Alan is around Charlie, the less he is around his own family – which further opens the rift of communication between Alan and his wife. And while Alan has taken a personal stake in helping Charlie overcome his obstacles, it becomes more clear that Alan is doing this for his own healing as well.

9/11 was a weird time for everyone involved. My uncle lives in Manhattan and thusly had front row seats to the entire event. For a while it looked like it was a wound that we were never going to heal from. But time is the ultimate healer – and in the years hence we have just begun to let go of some of the pain that was inflicted during that event.

Out of all of the “let’s revisit the World Trade Center disaster” movies that have been brought out recently, I think Reign Over Me is the least political. We’re not concerned with terrorism or politics, merely with healing. If anything, 9/11 is used more as an explanation rather than a backdrop – Charlie probably would’ve reacted the same way if he had lost his family to a fire or a car accident (or even a typical plane crash).

I was rather impressed with Adam Sandler’s performance in this movie. Much like Jim Carrey’s role in Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind, Sandler is very understated. Plus, there are a handful of lines that out of context could’ve been the punchline to a joke, but here they only emphasize how tragic Charlie truly is.

Line of the movie: “Any chance of you getting audited this week? Because that would make things even better.”

Four and a half stars. Beware the fourth estate.

District B13 (2004)

(Originally released as Banlieue 13)

Starring: David Belle, Cyril Raffaelli, Tony D’Amario, Larbi Naceri, Dany Verissimo, François Chattot

First, The Lowdown: A cop and a street punk have to take back a nuclear bomb from a gangster.

Paris, France – 2010. To help contain the rampant crime in the city, the more dangerous districts have been walled off to keep the dangerous persons in. Now those neighborhoods are run entirely by the strongest gangs, and the poorer citizens are kept under their thumb. Leito makes an honest living by keeping his apartment block clean and safe from crime, by eliminating any drug dealers. After intercepting over 1 million Euros in heroin, Leito did not anticipate the intended recipient, Taha, to miss it so quickly. Taha sends a group of thugs to retrieve the stolen merchandise and bring back Leito alive, but unfortunately Leito had already disposed of the drugs (down the drain of his bathtub). The thugs’ attempt to capture him is equally unsuccessful as Leito is a master of the anti-gravity art of Parkour – making the man as easy to hold onto as a handful of Jell-O.

Taha is not terribly amused that Leito has given them the slip and has his men kidnap Leito’s sister, Lola. However, they did not anticipate on Leito following them to Taha’s base. Before Taha has the chance to have the message go out to Leito about his sister, he bursts through a window and takes Taha hostage. The brother and sister lead Taha to a police checkpoint, only to find out that the police are pulling out of their area and locking the door behind them. Leito implores to the police inspector in charge to arrest Taha for drug trafficking (after presenting a briefcase full of evidence), but after seeing that Taha’s thugs outnumber the cops, the inspector decides to arrest Leio instead! Taha takes Lola as compensation, and Leito goes to the hoosegow.

Six months later.

Capt. Damien Tomaso is an undercover cop with a well-deserved reputation for being the best. After seamlessly infiltrating and busting a crime boss’s underground casino, he is given a much more challenging assignment. An unmarked military vehicle was hijacked by Taha’s gang and taken to District B13. In the back is a “clean” neutron bomb, designed to wipe out the population, but leave the structures intact and disperse its radiation quickly. When Taha opens the crate for it, the bomb’s 24-hour failsafe went off. Now Damien has less than a day to find out where the bomb is and disarm it. His only guide to it, however is Leito.

It was only a matter of time before the filmmakers got hold of David Belle. I’m just thankful that it was Luc Besson (who brought us Leon and La Femme Nikita) instead of Michael Bay. For the uninitiated, Parkour is an eye-popping stunt-sport where it’s participants leap, flip, and climb over obstacles in such an efficient way, you’d think someone armed and dangerous was chasing them. The people who practice Parkour (or “traceurs") use physics that one only finds in video games and the occasional Shaw Brothers feature – only they aren’t doing it with wires. All one needs to do is look up “Parkour” on any video site and you’ll see what I mean (make sure you bring a pair of pants for when you shit yourself, though.)

So it was only natural that this physical feat was brought to the silver screen. Since the Wachowski Brothers brought about a martial arts renaissance not seen since Bruce Lee, it seemed that every Hollywood blockbuster had to cache in on the same success. (“It’s a good thing that supermodel knows kung-fu, otherwise she’d be screwed.” “Why don’t the nameless armed thugs shoot her, though? They got guns.” “Shut up, you’re breaking the movie.”) It’s refreshing to see stuntwork that doesn’t involve wirework normally found in a stage production of Peter Pan or look out of place on the characters using it (sorry, Shaquille O’Neal, but one Nintendo game does not a martial artist make.)

Unfortunately, the movie seems to be in too much of a hurry. After spending quite a bit of time introducing our characters in as action-packed a fashion as possible, suddenly everything stops so that we can finally figure out what our Maguffin is. The main dynamic of Leito and Damien seems to be to argue at length with each other and/or leave the other handcuffed to some random object. Plus, for a secondary character, we’re given a lot more background on Damien than Leito. Yeah, we realize that Leito’s a good guy (he hates drug dealers and looks after his sister, after all), but we don’t really know that Leito does. It’s a small point, but without it, Leito just comes off as the guy who can elude capture while looking slicker than a freshly shaved James Gandolfini on a Slip ‘n Slide coated with bearing grease.

Line of the Movie: “Take out your police manual and look up the page that says ‘up shit creek.’”

Four stars. Your shoelace is untied.

The Perfect Crime (2004)

(Originally released as Crimen Ferpecto)

Starring: Guillermo Toledo, Monica Cervera, Luis Varela, Enrique Villen, Fernando Tejero, Javier Gutierrez

First, the Lowdown: A suave floor manager is blackmailed into submission after killing his boss.

If there’s one thing Rafael knows how to do, it’s how to work people. It’s why he’s been so very successful as the manager of the ladies wear section in the department store he works in (and equally successful with seducing the female staff members that work under him – so to speak.) Rafael’s philosophy in life is that as long as he has a goal to aim for, the rest is merely details. Thusly, his current goal is to be floor manager: a prestigious job that not only will bump up his salary, but gives an additional commission on total floor sales, stock options, even a change to rub elbows with the store’s board of directors.

His competition for the job, however is Antonio: the menswear manager with a sour demeanor and worse toupee (not to mention questionable motives as to WHY he likes menswear so much.) Antonio is very much the foil to Rafael: where Rafael is free, easy-going, and lackadaisical about store policies, Antonio is strict, rule-abiding, and authoritarian to a fault.

In spite of their differences in beliefs, both men are excellent salesmen. As such, the board of directors has decided to fill the newly opened floor manager position to whoever has the strongest sales. After completing a 12,000 Euro sale of a fancy fur coat, Rafael has the position in the bag.

Or so he thinks. Apparently, the lady who purchased that fur coat overestimated what was in her checking account, and her check bounced! Antonio is immediately promoted to floor manager and his first action in his new position is to assign every single menial task he can think of to Rafael. To make matters worse, Antonio announces that Rafael is now transferred from ladies wear to big & tall. The final straw comes when Rafael sees the woman whose check bounced returning the coat, and he dresses her down in front of the whole store. This prospect delights Antonio to no end, for now he is able to fire Rafael! Before he has a change to hand his subordinate his walking papers, the pair argue in the changing rooms. The argument escalates into a full-blown fight where Antonio tries to claw open Rafael’s throat with a wire hanger. However, fighting in closed quarters is risky business and while trying to disengage, Rafael mistakenly impales his boss’s head on the back of a hook.

Rafael is thoroughly panicked now – no one is going to believe that he accidentally killed his boss (who he never got along with and frequently fought with). So he hides himself and the corpse in the store and waits until it closes for the evening. Rafael concludes that the best place to dispose of the body is in the furnace in the basement – unfortunately, Antonio’s body is too large to shove in the door to it. After scrambling to find a hatchet to cut the body up with, Rafael discovers that the body is missing! The next day, Rafael tries acting like nothing has happened (and isn’t doing a terribly good job at it) when he gets a note from mysterious stranger saying that everything has been taken care of. Rafael finds out that Lourdes, an average-looking salesgirl from a different department (who has been secretly crushing on him) not only wrote the message, but helps him dispose of the body! However, such things come at a price, and what seems reasonable to Rafael at first quickly blows out of proportion.

I’m always amazed how what can seem like a pretty pedestrian comedy can be improved just a little bit by changing its location. Maybe it’s my unfamiliarity with Spanish culture, but I know that if this movie were made here it would’ve starred Dane Cook and Alison Hannigan and probably made it so that the suave lothario and manipulative mouse would’ve seen past their differences and embraced their “inner beauty”. (Insert the sound of my eyes rolling here.) What made the film enjoyable for me is that none of the major characters pull any punches, even though it takes a while for one of them to finally do so. Weirdly enough, there are a couple of shots that are rather artfully done for what is otherwise a slapstick comedy. (For example: As Rafael buys a raincoat from a small shop, the camera pulls back to reveal that he’s been tailed by Lourdes who is waiting in a taxi, then pulls back further to reveal that SHE has been tailed by a policeman in a different car.)

Line of the movie: “Life is absurd. Even worse – absurd and stupid.”

Three and a half stars. Remember your hat.

Howl’s Moving Castle (2004)

(Originally released as Hauru No Ugoku Shiro)

Starring the voices of: Jean Simmons, Christian Bale, Lauren Bacall, Blythe Danner, Emily Mortimer, Billy Crystal

First, the Lowdown: A young girl is put under a curse when she is caught up in the intrigues of rival wizards.

Sophie is a shy an unassuming girl who works at her late father’s hat shop in Ingary. In spite of the pleas from her sister to leave to shop and make a life of her own, Sophie is quite content to work there and does not see how she could make it in the outside world. While returning to her own shop, however, Sophie is harassed by two unruly soldiers in an alley. Before they have a chance to elucidate their intentions with the girl, they are interrupted by the presence of a dashing young man, who with a wave of his hand forces the soldiers to marching away against their will. Sophie is immediately taken by the magician, as he sweeps her back home.

As she closes her hat shop, a richly dressed but vainly obese woman enters through the door. Sophie gently tells the woman that her shop is closed, but offers to help her quickly. However, the older woman sniffs at how tacky and common the items are and pretends to not care whether the shop is open or not. Not liking her (or her shop) to be insulted, Sophie demands the woman leave, which she does so by passing through the girl. The woman (who calls herself the Witch of the Wastes) informs Sophie that the best thing about the cursed placed on the young girl is that she can’t tell anyone about it. As Sophie stands puzzled as to what the mysterious woman meant, she realizes that she has been transformed into a 90 year old woman.

Realizing that not only will no one recognize her for who she is, nor will the curse allow Sophie to tell anyone about her predicament, Sophie runs away to the surrounding wastelands to see if she can find a cure for her curse. While walking, she happens upon a scarecrow lying in some bushes. After uprighting it, she asks aloud if there is a walking stick anywhere around. Amazingly, the animated scarecrow bounces off and finds one for her just as it begins to rain. Knowing an enchanted creature when she sees it, Sophie asks for it to find shelter. Soon enough, shelter arrives in the form of a magical walking castle heading directly toward her.

This movie was a somewhat frustrating experience for me. Hayao Miyazaki finally achieved international fame with the success of both Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away, so when Moving Castle was announced, I was eagerly anticipating it. Visually, the movie is still no less than stunning - the characters inhabit a quasi-Victorian/Jules Verne land where parlor magic is as common as steam-powered airplanes. And thematically, the story starts out somewhat identifiable: where Spirited Away has been called Miyazaki’s Alice In Wonderland, Moving Castle is more akin to The Wizard of Oz (with a scarecrow character, no less.).

That being said, the film suffers from what Joe Bob Briggs refers to as “too much plot for the movie”. The characters are given elaborate backgrounds, and an interesting setup for conflict, but once we get even a smidgeon past that threshold we’re flung immediately forward without pause for resolution until the very end. Miyazaki took over this project after a different director stepped down from it, and it shows signs of that everywhere. Ultimately the film feels like a stemware set designed by Dale Chihuly – extremely beautiful and ornate, as long as you’re only going to be satisfied with merely looking at it.

Line of the Movie: “The nice thing about being old is you've got nothing much to lose.”

Three and a half stars. Once more, with feeling.