"Flesh Gordon" (1974)"

Starring: Jason Williams, Cindy Hopkins, Joseph Hudgins, William Dennis Hunt, Candy Samples, Mycle Brandy.

First, the lowdown: It’s the godfather of wacky porno spin-offs of popular films. (See “8 to 4” for further reference).

Tired of seeing hours upon hours of scratchy old serials? The poor sound quality, the moralistic melodrama, not-so-special effects, and rough-shod acting? Well, this movie is no less different than any Buster Crabbe vehicle that’s been released. Only there’s more Seventies-style nudity in it and it’s in color. Our movie follows the adventures of Flesh Gordon, an Aryan thrill seeker who wears fake jodhpurs. He meets our heroine Dale, with sexy results! Earth is being bombarded by a “sex-ray” sent by the horridly made up Emperor Wang (whose voice bears a strong resemblance to Dr. Forrester of MST3K). Our hapless heroes then bump into Dr. Jerkoff, a freelance scientist with out of control facial hair and an accent that fluctuates between Topal and Connery. He’s built a spaceship and they’ve mere days to save the earth! Well, not really, but it sounds exciting doesn’t it? It’s hard to make fun of a film that already makes fun of itself. Made at the dawn of the “porn chic” phase in the 1970s, this picture is pretty indicative of adult films at the time: a threadbare plot that only serves to show people grinding gnarlies, and dialog that is eyerolling at best and groan-inducing at worst. As a consumer of porn I have to say in comparison with much that I’ve seen, the production for this flick is positively LUSH. You have to remember that pornography is usually more budget-conscious than even the most frugal amateur director (“It’s too expensive to wait until night for this scene. We’ll do a quick re-write and put ‘em in the supply closet.”), so having an adult film that has not only props, costumes, prosthetic makeup AND stop-motion effects (with a segment giving a wink to Ray Harryhausen) is an oddity to say the least. (I kinda got the impression that the filmmakers neglected to mention to anyone indirectly involved with the movie that there was going to be sex in it.) Another interesting point is that the “pre-marital hanky-panky” that goes on is more of the softcore variety. (Do not expect to see penetrated orifices or liquid substances flinging about.) That aside whilst the softcore “pseudo-sex” going on is focal to the primary characters, several of the background extras used as nekkid window dressing are having Gen-U-Wine Coitus. I guess the director thought it added ambience. One thing I will point fun of is the fact that Rick Baker, who assisted with effects and “special photography”, eventually went onto more prominent pictures such as Close Encounters Of the Third Kind and Star Wars. Hey, we all need our start somewhere.

Line of the movie: “I’ve got the Power Pasties, and I know how to use them!” Dr. Jerkoff and – Forget it, you don’t wanna know.

Three stars. May cause diarrhea.