"The Accidenal Spy" (2001)

Starring: Jackie Chan, Eric Tsang, Vivian Hsu, Min-Jeong Kim, Hsing-Kuo Wu, Alfred Cheung, Tony Jones

First, the lowdown: Jackie Chan plays an average guy with kung-fu training thrust into the seamy world of international espionage. Natch.

What is it about Jackie Chan movies where even a shtick plot doesn’t seem like a shtick? Jackie Chan plays, erm, Jackie Chan: mild-mannered fitness equipment salesman. After foiling a bank robbery, Jackie is contacted by a loser PI with a bad combover who has the astonishing speech impediment of being unable to give a direct answer when questioned. Apparently a lawyer whose duty it is to find the long-lost son of a Korean agent has hired the loser PI. Jackie ends up going to Seoul to see the wizened old dude (who looks only to be 5 years older than Jackie at most), only to find out that the man had set up an elaborate game he wanted to play with Jackie. But before Jackie can ask him what the hell he’s talking about, a reporter with a cute ass approaches Jackie to see if there’s anything he can tell her about his late father. She reveals that the man was a double agent who probably would be ending up on the slab one of these days anyway. When he returns to visit Dad again, a trio of faceless thugs is roughing up the old guy. This only serves to get the plot moving and provide Jackie with one of the best uses for a defibrillator unit I’ve seen since Short Circuit 2. After getting a $10,000 chunk of the man’s estate, Jackie takes the old man up on his offer for a game. This guy must’ve either been REALLY bored or had a lot of time on his hands, because it leads Jackie all the way to Istanbul (okay, fine NOT Constantinople, oh the shame). In a Turkish bank, Jackie unlocks the safety deposit box that contains a gajillion dollars and a copy of Gideon’s bible. He hasn’t left the bank for more than five minutes, however, when the taxi he’s riding in gets forced into a vacant lot and an entire platoon of faceless thugs try to beat him up and rifle thru his suitcase full of moolah. But they aren’t interested in the cash and quickly flee when the authorities arrive. Seemingly unshaken by the botched mugging, Jackie is determined to go sight seeing. Whilst in a Turkish bath, he is set upon by yet another group of Turkish thugs who are trying to make some kind of demand from him, but because of an obvious language barrier, nothing gets accomplished. So another fight ensues, with Jackie losing his towel in the middle of a Turkish bazaar, causing him to use extreme measures to make sure his “little dragon” is covered. (Gotta admit, though, Jackie’s got a nice ass.) Furthermore, Jackie’s concerns as to why he’s being chased are waylaid when running into mysterious cutie Yong distracts him. Yong sets up a dinner date with him, but at that moment the cute-assed reporter approaches him again. This time a CIA agent who divulges even more highly classified material about his late Dad accompanies her. Apparently Dad was big into the whole drug thing and had been developing a kind of “super-heroin” in cooperation with a huge Hong Kong drug czar (who, fortunately, is based out of Turkey as well). One of the Drug Czar’s connections is Yong, who the Cute-Assed reporter and CIA Spook hope will lead Jackie to the head man himself. Jackie finally follows up with his dinner date only to be attacked by yet another group of faceless Turkish thugs. This time they kidnap Jackie and Yong and begin grilling Jackie again in Turkish, oblivious to the fact that a common language is required to get anything out of an interrogation. The brutal inquisition is interrupted by what looks like a group of Korean green berets, and in the confusion Jackie and Yong escape using the most Jackie Chan way possible (an overly elaborate Goldberg device that causes 6-digit property damage figures). During their flight from captivity, Jackie learns that Yong was a misguided orphan who quickly fell into the deep abyss of heroin abuse; but before we can get any further into that plot-line, the Drug Czar picks them up and tells Jackie that in exchange for the “super-heroin” that his Dad has made, he can get a big chunk o’ change and take care of Yong. Jackie, being the softy he is, agrees and before he can even enjoy an evening of “I just bought your freedom” sex, Yong collapses from withdrawal in a train station. Now Jackie’s pissed, and the CIA’s pissed at Jackie for giving the Drug Czar his Dad’s package (maybe you shoulda nabbed it when you had the chance, superspy?). So, Jackie ends up retrieving the package in the only way he knows how: with an over-long stunt-filled chase sequence.

Line of the movie: “I should let you rot in that Turkish prison!” CIA spooky rips poor Jackie a new one.

Three and a half stars. Boil water and stir.