Waiting... (2005)

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Anna Faris, Justin Long, David Koechner, Luis Guzman, Chi McBride, John France Daly

First, the Lowdown: A 20-something ponders whether he really wants to be waiting tables the rest of his life.

Shenanigans is a corporate based “party restaurant” (ala Applebee's), complete with seating that centers on a bar, and random knick-knack detritus stapled to the walls. (Why is it that places like this have to decorate as if they've taken a nine-year old with ADD and a glue gun to an antiques mall?) But stalking the grounds like the starving predators of the Africa's savannah are the people who work there.

Dean is a twenty-something slacker who is sleepwalking is way through community college for that elusive (and somewhat useless) AA degree. His day opens with a meal with his mother, who spends the entire time reminding him that his classmates from high school are all moving on to successful jobs that aren't waiting tables at Shenanigans. His best friend, Monty, is also a waiter at the same establishment, and manages to slough off the drudgery of his job by having a snarky witticism for everything that he encountered.

Enter Mitch, a wide-eyed babe in the woods as far as the restaurant is concerned. As a new hire he has to learn the routine of serving food to the patrons and where everything is, and most importantly be always on the ready for the Penis Game. The Penis Game was introduced as a way to alleviate the boredom of their jobs and entails the following: a guy whips out his genitals like he's a cast-off from Puppetry of the Penis in the hopes that some hapless coworker will walk into the room and get a steaming pile of man-flesh in his eye sockets. Those caught looking are called “fag” and kicked in the posterior. Kinda like a fraternity initiation, only they don't sodomize you with a bottle of Corona as well.

Dean is approached by their manager, Dan, who wants to groom him for the prestigious role of assistant manager. This is supposed to generate conflict, I guess: Dean's co-workers see having one of their own being promoted as one step towards douchebaggery. While Dean sees some of the perks as being attractive (a 20% employee discount? Oh yeah, make that TWO orders of chili fries!), but also sees him eventually hanging himself with the tie of his uniform later down the road.

Since Kevin Smith's Clerks has come out, more and more people are releasing movies based on the “you think your job sucks?” premise. Most of my friends and co-workers have made comparisons to Waiting with Office Space. And understandably so, both movies have the fatal flaw of not providing us with characters but with archetypes. But where Waiting is unfortunately different, is that it has very little cohesion to it's plot. The director thinks that a series of kinda-characters acting out the little anecdotes you read on the Customers Suck blog is the same as a movie. It's not a movie, I'm afraid – it's a sitcom. While most of the gags presented are enough to evince a chuckle, most of the "humor" comes out as a desperate attempt to add more energy to the funny. (Piece of advice, you do that through writing not dick jokes).

The most satisfying moment of the movie comes at the end where Mitch the New Guy vents his spleen to everyone and calls Dane Cook a steaming pile of shit (and tell me, who hasn't wanted to say that to Dane Cook?) If the best part of a movie is that it has a good Network-style rant at the end, what does that tell you for the rest?

Line of the movie: “You're the coolest fuckin' guy at Shenaniganz! WHOOO! That's like being the smartest kid with Down's syndrome!”

Three stars. 15% is the minimum gratuity.

The King Of Masks (1996)

(Originally released as Bian Lian)

Starring: Zhigang Zhang, Zhigang Zhao, Renying Zhou, Xu Zhu

First, The Lowdown: An elderly street performer looks for an heir to pass the secrets of his trade to, but finds it harder to do than he thinks.

In a riverside village, a street peddler performs for an entranced crowd. The performer, Wang, specializes in an elaborate mask dance - where he changes masks with the flick of his hand. This is witnessed by Liang, a famous female impersonator with the Sichuan opera – whose most famous role is retelling the legend of Quan Yin. Liang invites Wang to tea where e expresses his amazement at the older man's talents and offers Wang a position with the opera company. Wang prefers his solitary life and politely demurs. Liang asks Wang about who would take his place when the older man dies. But Wang has no disciple - his only child died when he was 10, and the art of the masks is one that is passed on from father to son. Liang implores Wang to find some way of making sure that his art survives.

A recent flood of a nearby village has saturated the poorer quarters of the town with desperate refugees. Their need is so great that they are looking to sell their children into service because they can no longer care for them. Wang looks there for a heir, but finds mostly girls. Just as he is about to leave, an 8-year old boy calls out to him. Wang is taken in by the boy's appearance that he buys him from his father, who sells him gladly. Later on his boat, Wang names his new charge “Doggie,” and asks the boy why his father didn't seem disappointed in losing a son. Doggie shows Wang the bruises on his arm and tells him that he was beaten regularly. Wang promises to take care of him and never to raise a hand to the boy ever.

Life seems blissful for the pair, until it is revealed that Doggie is a girl. Since Wang's tradition is one that is passed from father to son, he feels both betrayed and swindled. Angry at this turn of events, Wang tries to turn Doggie away with a handful of money, but she instead begs him to take her in as a servant. Having been already moved by the child, albeit deceitfully, Wang agrees to let her stay.

The best thing about The King Of Masks is that it's a movie with much social commentary, but doesn't resort to too much soapboxing (although it does happen). Chinese traditionalism values boys over girls, something that is starting to come back to haunt them: in spite of its population of over 1 billion, China's obsession with male progeny has caused their population to decrease. Even with though Mao's communist reformations valued all members of the proletariat equally, whether male or female, the population at large has found it a hard practice to let go of.

With its lush sets and interesting portrayal of almost forgotten performing arts, I was often reminded of Farewell My Concubine, so much so that I was bracing myself for a fast-forward to the 1960s and Chairman Mao's “Cultural Revolution.” But fortunately, it spends less time being political and more time trying to prove that sometimes the only way an ancient art can survive is by evolution, not tradition.

Line of the movie: “Even a beggar has many ways of beating away dogs.”

Four stars. Don't whiz on the electric fence.

The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe (2005)

Starring: Georgie Henley, Skandar Keynes, William Moseley, Anna Popplewell, Tilda Swinton, James McAvoy

First, The Lowdown: A group of children wander into the magic kingdom of Narnia, and become hunted by it's ruler.

London, September 1940. As the British Army pulls back from their defeat in France, the German Luftwaffe presses forward to gain air superiority over the Royal Air Force. Those of His Majesty's citizens still in disbelief of the war lasting longer than Christmas are woken up as the Blitzkrieg brings the bombings to their front doorstep. At the Pevensie household, the frantic Mrs. Pevensie ushers her children, Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy to the outside bomb shelter as air raid sirens wail in the background. Edmund rushes back inside to the house, against everyone's wishes, to retrieve the photograph of their father, who is fighting with the Army.

Having realized that the war is no longer something reported about on the radio, Mrs. Pevensie (like thousands of others) arrange to have her children sent off to the countryside to stay at the home of the reclusive Professor Kirke. Upon their arrival, the stern head servant, Mrs. MacReady, gives a long list of restrictions, thusly declaring the spacious mansion a “No Fun Zone” for anyone without a baccalaureate.

One rainy day, with nothing else to do, the Pevensie children play hide and seek. Lucy finds her way to an upstairs storage room and hides in its only occupant, a large handcrafted wardrobe filled with heavy fur coats. As she presses further inside, Lucy finds that the is suddenly standing in a snow covered forest clearing with a lamppost. After a few minutes of wandering, she runs into Tumnus, a fawn who is just as surprised to see her as she is him. Tumnus invites Lucy to his cave for tea, and explains that she is in the land of Narnia, which has been ruled by the White Witch, who insures that it is always winter, but never Christmas. When Lucy reveals that she is a human, Tumnus informs her that the White Witch has ordered all humans be brought before her, under pain of death. Tumnus has a sudden change of heart and leads Lucy back to the lamppost so she may return to where she came.

When Lucy leaves the wardrobe she discovers that only a few seconds have passed. Quickly rushing to her other siblings, she tells them of everything she saw, only to have it dismissed as the fevered imaginings of a child. In fact, when Peter investigates the wardrobe, he finds it completely sealed. As they bed down, Lucy sneaks out to go back to the wardrobe, only to be followed by Edmund. This time, the land of Narnia is on the other side of the wardrobe, and Edmund finds himself separated from Lucy. The jingling of sleigh bells draws Edmund to a reindeer driven sledge bearing a slender, pale woman all in white. The woman introduces herself as the Queen of Narnia and asks Edmund of his origin. Edmund, not knowing that this is the White Witch, tells her that he is indeed human. The Queen tells Edmund to bring his siblings to her castle, and that if he does so, he will be made a prince. After being dismissed, Edmund makes his way back to the lamppost and quickly back to his world with Lucy. Once again, Lucy tells Peter and Susan of her new adventure in Narnia and presents Edmund's collaboration as proof. Edmund, realizing the seriousness of what he has told the White Witch, does not want them to venture further into that world and again dismisses the whole thing as a game with Lucy.

The next day's weather is much nicer than it had been previously, and the Pevensie children decide to have a cricket match in the lawn outside. Edmund's swing at bat proves a bit too strong and their ball ends up shattering the window to the Professor's study. Fearing the impending rage of Mrs. MacReady, the children scramble upstairs to hide in Lucy's wardrobe, and find themselves in the land of Narnia. After gloating in vindication, Lucy leads them to Tumnus's cave, only to see that it has been ransacked. A written decree on the floor has declared Tumnus a traitor to the Queen for failing to bring Lucy to her – and the punishment is death. Having realized that Narnia is just as dangerous as Earth, Peter tells his siblings that they should return home. However, outside a talking beaver beseeches the children to follow him to a safe shelter, for they are being tracked. Mr. and Mrs. Beaver greet the children warmly, but also tell them they are in grave danger. Having strayed into the land of Narnia, they may very well fulfill an ancient prophesy, which states that when two Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve sit at the four thrones of Cair Paravel, the White Witch's reign will be usurped. Determined to not have this come about, the White Witch has declared that all humans are to be brought before her – and executed.

However, Mr. Beaver has word that the exiled and true King of Narnia, Aslan the Lion, is amassing an army on the outskirts, waiting for the proper moment to strike and fulfill the prophecy.

In any fantasy literary circle, once you start talking about J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, you eventually get to talking about C.S. Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia. Indeed, if you do an analysis of both authors, you begin note the similarities between their field of study and the thematic elements of their writing. Tolkien was a linguist, with a keen interest in Old English and its origins in the German and Norse dialects. Thusly, his most famous opus reads much like a dry, yet concise prosaic translation of Beowulf, complete with appendices and a concordance. Lewis, on the other hand, was a student of medieval literature, and a devout Christian apologist – having published About Christianity and The Screwtape Letters many years previous to Narnia. As such, Narnia (especially the first few volumes) comes across as a gross oversimplification of the Crucifixion, but watered down for a younger audience. And that I think is the significant difference between the two authors. Tolkien's characters are broadly archetypal, fitting in with most Germanic and Arthurian legend. Lewis, however, merely translates biblical metaphor literally – the messianic “Lion of Narnia” is scourged, executed and resurrected (trust me, that's not a spoiler, it becomes eye-rollingly obvious the more Aslan is on the screen); and what doesn't come from the bible seems to conveniently be borrowed from William Shakespeare. (The unwitting traitor is named Edmund? C'mon.)

Having not read the books recently, my memory of Wardrobe is a little hazy. As it is, I remember thinking that the Pensevies came off as written by someone who did not find himself entirely comfortable with children, so it is refreshing to see that in this telling of the story, our central characters were given a bit more depth (and actually behaved like children.)

Line of the movie: “Some children just don't know when to stop pretending.”

Three and a Half stars. Best when served warm.

Stardust (2007)

Starring: Michelle Pfeiffer, Kate Magowan, Melanie Hill, Charlie Cox, Sienna Miller, Robert De Niro, Claire Danes

First, the Lowdown: A boy steps into a magical land to retrieve a star. And then it gets weird.

There are two kingdoms in the land of England – the magical kingdom of Stormhold and the quite normal land of Her Majesty's domain. The Stormhold is enclosed by a stone wall, but much like the wall of King Hadrian, it was erected not so much as to prevent us from coming in, but to prevent them from getting out. On the normal side of the wall dwells the tiny country hamlet of Wall (natch), whose original purpose was probably to serve as a garrison against those pesky magic using types, but has since faded into obscurity – and a guard of one who minds the wall's only gap.

Tristan is a poor shop boy who has dreams of living beyond the small lot cast him – one them involving the local beauty, Victoria. However, Tristan's means of courting her are not terribly successful, so in a last ditch attempt he vows to bring back to Victoria a star that has fallen on the other side of the wall.

Unbeknownst to Tristan, Stormhold has some problems of it's own. The aged king is dying, and not one of his seven sons has survived killing the others to become the sole heir. (Although four have already passed on to the next life). Since the king can no longer wait to see who outlasts the tontine he casts his ruby necklace out to the kingdom, with the charge that whoever finds it will be king. The ruby, however, is precisely what has knocked the star out of the sky that Tristan is seeking, who upon landing on Earth is a golden-tressed woman named Yvaine. So on waking, the first thing Yvaine does is put on the ruby necklace.

However, Tristan is not the only one looking for the star. Three sisters of the dark arts also are seeking her. If you were to woo a star so that it attains full brightness, and then cut out its heart, you will be granted eternal life. Years of magic use have taken its toll on the witches, and it's been over 400 years since they last seduced a star.

Got all that?

The problem with fantasy is that it's hard to bring complexity to the plot without completely losing your audience. For all of it's glitter and special effects, The Lord of the Rings is an epic length reverse Holy Grail legend with Homer's Iliad thrown in to keep the audience awake. Stardust's major failing is that it borrows from quite a few well known themes (Shakespeare's Macbeth and King Lear easily come to mind), but then then puts a new spin on subjects that are probably lost on anyone who didn't pay full attention in English Lit 201. (The village of Wall is straight out of a Thomas Hardy novel.)

In essence, Stardust is a quest story with a bit of romance thrown in. (It's also been unfairly compared to The Princess Bride, which was a romance with a bit of quest thrown in.) So like all quest stories, it's just one damn thing after another with little to explain for it.

As interesting as it is to bring in two sets of antagonists that are completely unaware of one another, it gets really confusing until the climax when our groups of villains have nearly annihilated each other. I'm thinking that if instead of dealing with a cadre of brothers and a trio of sisters, it should've been one or the other. (There's also a bit about Tristan's mother tossed in a few places, but it seems like an afterthought.)

Finally, Robert De Niro's role as Captain Shakespeare is a treat, but fits a little too neat into the plot. (Since Pirates of the Carribean I'm starting to notice the rise of a “Magic Pirate” stereotype.) Fortunately De Niro doesn't try to hack up an English accent, so he comes off as a longshoreman with his own dirigible.

Don't get me wrong, Stardust is a very fun film and it has one thing that many quest movies lack: momentum (I'm looking at you Krull). The audience gets easily swept along with our main characters, though at times it fees like you're being pulled along by an over-enthusiastic 5 year old. It also uses special effects to a practical purpose, without overemphasizing the “ooh, ahh” aspect of them.

It's also a fantasy film that was made for fans of fantasy. Much of Stardust's clunkiness is easily overlooked by the fandom demographic. (And Gaiman's writing has an popular following itself) But unless you're the type that gets easily obsessed with fairies and dragons, this may come off as interesting to you as a Star Trek sequel.

Line of the movie: “Murdered by pirates, heart torn out and eaten, meet Victoria. I can't quite decide which sounds more fun.”

Four stars. Put two under your tongue and dissolve slowly.