My Trek of the Stars, Part 2: The Corbomite Maneuver

Guest Starring: Clint Howard, Anthony Call, Ted Cassidy, Eddie Paskey, William Blackburn

First, the Lowdown: The Enterprise is menaced by a gigantic IKEA-made starship and its dippy looking commander.

So, no shit, there’s the Enterprise doing stellar cartography when all of the sudden its path is blocked by a SPINNING CUBE OF DOOM! It obviously imposes some kind of threat to the ship, at least that’s what the theme music and acting would have you believe, but quite frankly it looks more like the Wisdom Cube from Aqua Teen Hunger Force (don’t ask it about the time it ate boiled peanuts.)

Captain Kirk, in a marvelous display of restraint tries every which way he can think of to maneuver the ship around the offending rhomboid, but the SPINNING CUBE OF DOOM! is about as determined to intercept the Enterprise as those annoying survey guys are in a mall. To make matters worse the SPINNING CUBE OF DOOM! starts to spew out radiation. Having had enough of the SPINNING CUBE OF DOOM!, Kirk orders the thing destroyed before it starts wallpapering the Enterprise with copies of The Watchtower.

Satisfied that the peril is done with, the Enterprise continues on with the same menial task that they performed before. Kirk, unimpressed by the whiny Lt. Bailey’s slowness in response to his commands, orders the crew undergo attack simulations to improve their reaction time.

Things are going swell until all of the sudden an even bigger alien object shows up on their front door. This one now looks like an escaped chandelier from The Inn of Tomorrowland. The alien ship is MEGA-HUGE, however, so the crew takes a few moments to gape at it – with the exception of Bailey who just wets his pants quietly to himself. The ship calls itself the Fesarius and its commander, Balok, lets the Enterprise know that he is incredibly pissed off that they destroyed his SPINNING CUBE OF DOOM! Spock during all of this, manages to generate a visual of Balok, and he looks like a hydroencephalic version of the Crypt Keeper. (Then again, it could be Spock’s attempt of making light of their adversary. Kinda like drawing a picture of the bill collector that’s haranguing you on the phone as a magic, talking butt. “Look at me! I’m a talking butt! And you’re past due on your credit cards!”)

Kirk tries to tell him that the Enterprise was just minding its own business until that pesky cube started saying shit about their mama, so naturally they’re gonna pop a cap in anything that steps up to them. Balok dismisses their claim with a, “Oh no, you di’nt!” immobilizes the ship and tells them they have 10 minutes to make peace with their maker before the Enterprise is destroyed. Bailey reacts in a manner consistent with all trained professionals during times of crisis: he craps in his hand and begins throwing it at the other members of the bridge. Kirk tries pleading with Balok, but the stern alien commander is as intractable as Bill O’Reilly coming onto a wardrobe mistress.

By now, the Enterprise has pissed away all but three minutes of their remaining time. When Kirk asks Spock for advice on their predicament, he compares their situation to a game of chess – summing up that they are royally en passanted up their castle. Not one to take failure lightly, Kirk gets Balok on the horn again and makes vague threats. He tells the fugly alien that they have a super secret device made of Corbomite that will, in effect, turn the Enterprise into rubber and the Fesarius into glue. Kirk also adds that the word “gullible” cannot be found in the computer’s online dictionary.

Balok responds with “It is TOO in the dictionary, and if you look up the word ‘dipshit’ it’s got a picture of YOU under it, Kirk.” But also concedes that, while he does not believe the Enterprise is really capable of possessing a super-secret, uber-huge, explody thing, he doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of that hell, either so orders a tug vessel to tow the Enterprise out to his home turf, where they will imprison the crew, destroy the Enterprise, and then pee on the ashes while they watch.

The tug vessel is miniscule in comparison to the gaudy thing that is the Fesarius, so Kirk orders that they shear away from the alien ship’s tractor beam, which not only frees the Enterprise, but also disables the tug so completely that it can’t send for help. Seeing his big chance, Kirk assembles a boarding party of himself, McCoy, Spock, and Bailey (probably to use as a body shield if things went wrong.)

After being transported onto the other vessel, they find Balok, in all his fugliness – and he’s a puppet. In the next room, they are humbled before the chilling visage of the real Balok – and it’s Clnit Howard! The hideous, snaggle-mawed, troll invites them to chat and offers them all a glass of Tranya, which as anyone who’s been to a sci-fi convention can tell you, is nothing more than Tang made with pure grain alcohol. Balok explains to the Enterprise that he had used the whole setup to divine their true motives. He also states that he had to use the puppet to intimidate them because they wouldn’t have been afraid of lil’ ol’ him. (Apparently there are no mirrors on his ship.) Kirk feigns understanding, which is probably all he could do to keep himself from picking up the misshapen midget by his ankles and dashing him on the floor. Balok also tells him that he is lonely and desires some kind of companionship to accompany him on his journey, so that the two cultures can learn more about each other. Instead of referring Balok to Craigslist, Kirk instead volunteers Lt. Bailey, probably to relieve the rest of the crew of Bailey’s incessant whining.

Things to look for in this episode:

The SPINNING CUBE OF DOOM!: No matter how hard they try to make it so with music and reaction shots, it’s not threatening. I kept expecting one of the Smurfs to come out of it.

The Fesarius: Seriously, it looks like the Krell machine from Forbidden Planet.

Balok: It’s bad enough he starts out being a dippy-looking alien that sounds like a really pissed off Don Pardo, but then to have him turn out to be Clint Howard? That kid could ugly paint off of walls.

What is McCoy not today? A moon-shuttle pilot. Because it’s the future ‘n all.

And what about Spock? Spock’s main job seems to be to creep the hell out of the crew: first by bringing up the visual of Balok, then by informing the captain that the Enterprise is essentially screwed by using a chess analogy. Someone should explain the concept of esprit de corps to him.

My Trek of the Stars, Part 1: Where No Man Has Gone Before

(Out of boredom I have decided to do some reviews of Star Trek episodes, just to spice things up on ABOB.)

Guest Starring: Gary Lockwood, Sally Kellerman, Paul Carr, Paul Fix, Lloyd Haynes, Andrea Dromm

First, the Lowdown: An attempt to penetrate the energy field surrounding the galaxy gives two crewmen psychic powers. Douchebaggery ensues.

The intrepid crew of the Enterprise was leisurely meandering to the far reaches of the galaxy when they encounter the log-buoy for the Valiant, which had been previously lost centuries ago. After bringing the clunky piece of hardware aboard (which looked like a fugitive from The Black Hole), they examine its record tapes and find them mostly destroyed. What little remains doesn’t make much sense, oh wait, yeah it does. It outlines the Valiant’s failed attempt at plowing messily through the galactic barrier, its subsequent psychic effect on a single crewmember, and the captain’s orders to self-destruct the ship before things got out of hand. (I’m assuming the bits which were burnt out was the first-mate’s weblog in which he whines about how no one understands him and threatens to cut himself again. And lost band lyrics for Rush.)

Captain Kirk, having a learning disability which prevents him from recognizing foreshadowing (even when it’s dropped from the sky in big blocky letters), decides that the Enterprise is going to force its way out of the barrier in the exactly the same fashion – after all, what are the odds of something like that happening twice right? Right?

Sure enough, as soon as our brave vessel enters that swirling miasma of energy, the ship’s controls go all higglety-pigglety, panels explode, and two of the bridge crew collapse: Gary Mitchell, navigator and Kirk’s best friend; and Dr. Elizabeth Dehner, the ship’s shrink. When Mitchell opens his eyes though, he looks like an extra from The Omega Man. Dr. Dehner, on the other hand, is seemingly unaffected.

There are bigger concerns, however. Kirk’s drunken wanderings into an obviously dangerous area of space have played havoc with the ship, and the Enterprise’s warp engines now look like the inside of Amy Winehouse’s car. As the ship limps away to a nearby mining planet, Mitchell is resting in sick bay because the rest of the crew is too squicked out by his eyes.

To make matters worse, not only is Mitchell able to read at a fantastic rate of speed, but he is able to call things to his mind and flip buttons on the ship at will. It also has made him a bit of a high-minded jackass. Mr. Spock reminds the audience- I mean suggests to the captain that the same thing happened on the Valiant and that something must be done to Professor Mitchell before he turns into a full blown douchebag with godlike powers. (Think Karl Rove, only psychic.)

Having arrived at the mining facility, the Enterprise makes repairs – and Kirk and Spock figure out the most effective way of stranding Mitchell on the planet like a blind date in a busy bar. Mitchell, however, becomes only all too aware of their plans and makes his escape with Dr. Dehner, how has manifested powers and creepy Omega Man eyes of her own.

Rather than cutting his losses, fleeing the planet, and posting a big sign on the front lawn saying “WARNING: GOD-LIKE DOUCHEBAG ON PREMISES”, Kirk decides to solve this dilemma the only way he knows how – with his fists. Unfortunately, he seemed to forget that Mitchell’s abilities are now on par with Neo’s in the last few minutes of the first Matrix movie, and gets tossed about like a Hannah Montana doll in a K-Mart. So, Kirk has to rely on the only other weapon in his arsenal – moralistic rhetoric. Kirk’s exposition on the tyranny of Mitchell’s actions (which kinda ignore the whole “don’t piss off the god-like doucebag” angle) foments doubt in Dehner’s mind and she lashes out at Mitchell with her own powers (which are obviously subdued because she’s a chick.) This gives Kirk enough time to pummel the shit out of his best friend (which no doubt resolved some lingering personal issues between the two men, “This is for using my toothbrush to clean the toilet!”). And everything gets resolved with Mitchell being buried in a grave of his own making.

Things to look for in this episode:

• Gary Lockwood as Gary Mitchell. Most sci-fi geeks will know him better as Frank Poole from 2001: A Space Odyssey, where instead of being a douchebag with godlike powers he’s a douchebag engineer who gets jettisoned into space by an evil computer.
• Sally Kellerman as Elizabeth Dehner. Or as anyone who grew up in the 1980s would better know her as – the announcer chick for Hidden Valley Ranch.
• Scotty’s first appearance in the series… And he forgot to shave. I’m not joking on this one, either. Look for him in the transporter room, he looks like he woke up after a bender.

Award for Best On-Screen Death: Lt. Kelso, who reacts to being strangled in the wackiest way possible.

What is McCoy not today? In this episode apparently.

Does Sulu get stoned? Not in this one. Physics officer Sulu was too busy making up simple analogies to get high in this one.

And what about Spock? Spock does a lot of yelling in this episode. A lot of yelling. And at the beginning when talking about one of Kirk’s “earth emotions” he comes off like Tucker Carlson talking about women’s health.

Annie Hall (1977)

Starring: Woody Allen, Diane Keaton, Tony Roberts, Carol Kane, Paul Simon, Shelley Duvall

First, the Lowdown: A comedian breaks up with his girlfriend and tries to figure out how the relationship failed.

My fellow fans and reprobates, I’m going to break from my usual reviewing style here by forgoing any attempt at synopsizing this film and instead cut straight to the critique of it. “Why?” might you ask? Because it’s a film that kinda defies any attempt to sum it up – I could tell you moments of the film, or specific lines (“Twins, Max. 16 years-old. Can you imagine the mathematical possibities?”), but really Annie Hall is a movie that you are either going to get or not, much like most of Woody Allen’s work. And even still the only way you know if you’re going to get it or not is by watching it.

As usual, Annie Hall comes off as semi-autobiographical, or at the very least, self-analytical. Having only watched a handful of Woody Allen previously, I can say that while Annie Hall is chocked full of Woody’s usual directorial indulgences (Marshall McLuhan comes in from off-screen and dresses down a pseudo-intellectual), here they are used to good effect instead of coming off as Woody Allen saying “Why did I film it that way? Because I can, you moron.”

Directorial whimsy aside, Allen manages to engage his audience through storytelling (something most American movie studios have forgotten about.) What makes Annie Hall so cool is that it presents its viewers with a situation nearly everyone of us has been in – that moment of retrospection after a breakup that vacillates between self-flagellation and righteous indignation. Both Annie and Alvy are perfectly flawed and perfectly realistic.

One thing of note – Annie Hall is one of those cinema classics that everyone has to have seen because all these other movies borrow from it. And to be honest, I have to agree here: nearly every romantic comedy I’ve seen from about 1987 onward has either blatantly ripped off or paid homage to Annie Hall in some small way or another - especially if that movie has wall-breaking on-screen narration.

Annie Hall is most definitely a product of the 1970’s, however. And I’m not even referring to the fashion either, just look at the mainstream acceptance of psychotherapy, drug use, intellectualism, sex, and the female orgasm (“With your wife in bed, does she need some kind of artificial stimulation, like marijuana?” “We use a large vibrating egg.”) One of my favorite scenes has our couple in Los Angeles at the grand estate of a music producer, and all of the guests are wearing their individualistic quirks like fashion accessories. (Jeff Goldblum’s walk-on cameo sums it up best: “I forgot my mantra.”

Line of the movie: “I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”

Four and a half stars. Give me cookie!