My Trek of the Stars, Part 1: Where No Man Has Gone Before

(Out of boredom I have decided to do some reviews of Star Trek episodes, just to spice things up on ABOB.)

Guest Starring: Gary Lockwood, Sally Kellerman, Paul Carr, Paul Fix, Lloyd Haynes, Andrea Dromm

First, the Lowdown: An attempt to penetrate the energy field surrounding the galaxy gives two crewmen psychic powers. Douchebaggery ensues.

The intrepid crew of the Enterprise was leisurely meandering to the far reaches of the galaxy when they encounter the log-buoy for the Valiant, which had been previously lost centuries ago. After bringing the clunky piece of hardware aboard (which looked like a fugitive from The Black Hole), they examine its record tapes and find them mostly destroyed. What little remains doesn’t make much sense, oh wait, yeah it does. It outlines the Valiant’s failed attempt at plowing messily through the galactic barrier, its subsequent psychic effect on a single crewmember, and the captain’s orders to self-destruct the ship before things got out of hand. (I’m assuming the bits which were burnt out was the first-mate’s weblog in which he whines about how no one understands him and threatens to cut himself again. And lost band lyrics for Rush.)

Captain Kirk, having a learning disability which prevents him from recognizing foreshadowing (even when it’s dropped from the sky in big blocky letters), decides that the Enterprise is going to force its way out of the barrier in the exactly the same fashion – after all, what are the odds of something like that happening twice right? Right?

Sure enough, as soon as our brave vessel enters that swirling miasma of energy, the ship’s controls go all higglety-pigglety, panels explode, and two of the bridge crew collapse: Gary Mitchell, navigator and Kirk’s best friend; and Dr. Elizabeth Dehner, the ship’s shrink. When Mitchell opens his eyes though, he looks like an extra from The Omega Man. Dr. Dehner, on the other hand, is seemingly unaffected.

There are bigger concerns, however. Kirk’s drunken wanderings into an obviously dangerous area of space have played havoc with the ship, and the Enterprise’s warp engines now look like the inside of Amy Winehouse’s car. As the ship limps away to a nearby mining planet, Mitchell is resting in sick bay because the rest of the crew is too squicked out by his eyes.

To make matters worse, not only is Mitchell able to read at a fantastic rate of speed, but he is able to call things to his mind and flip buttons on the ship at will. It also has made him a bit of a high-minded jackass. Mr. Spock reminds the audience- I mean suggests to the captain that the same thing happened on the Valiant and that something must be done to Professor Mitchell before he turns into a full blown douchebag with godlike powers. (Think Karl Rove, only psychic.)

Having arrived at the mining facility, the Enterprise makes repairs – and Kirk and Spock figure out the most effective way of stranding Mitchell on the planet like a blind date in a busy bar. Mitchell, however, becomes only all too aware of their plans and makes his escape with Dr. Dehner, how has manifested powers and creepy Omega Man eyes of her own.

Rather than cutting his losses, fleeing the planet, and posting a big sign on the front lawn saying “WARNING: GOD-LIKE DOUCHEBAG ON PREMISES”, Kirk decides to solve this dilemma the only way he knows how – with his fists. Unfortunately, he seemed to forget that Mitchell’s abilities are now on par with Neo’s in the last few minutes of the first Matrix movie, and gets tossed about like a Hannah Montana doll in a K-Mart. So, Kirk has to rely on the only other weapon in his arsenal – moralistic rhetoric. Kirk’s exposition on the tyranny of Mitchell’s actions (which kinda ignore the whole “don’t piss off the god-like doucebag” angle) foments doubt in Dehner’s mind and she lashes out at Mitchell with her own powers (which are obviously subdued because she’s a chick.) This gives Kirk enough time to pummel the shit out of his best friend (which no doubt resolved some lingering personal issues between the two men, “This is for using my toothbrush to clean the toilet!”). And everything gets resolved with Mitchell being buried in a grave of his own making.

Things to look for in this episode:

• Gary Lockwood as Gary Mitchell. Most sci-fi geeks will know him better as Frank Poole from 2001: A Space Odyssey, where instead of being a douchebag with godlike powers he’s a douchebag engineer who gets jettisoned into space by an evil computer.
• Sally Kellerman as Elizabeth Dehner. Or as anyone who grew up in the 1980s would better know her as – the announcer chick for Hidden Valley Ranch.
• Scotty’s first appearance in the series… And he forgot to shave. I’m not joking on this one, either. Look for him in the transporter room, he looks like he woke up after a bender.

Award for Best On-Screen Death: Lt. Kelso, who reacts to being strangled in the wackiest way possible.

What is McCoy not today? In this episode apparently.

Does Sulu get stoned? Not in this one. Physics officer Sulu was too busy making up simple analogies to get high in this one.

And what about Spock? Spock does a lot of yelling in this episode. A lot of yelling. And at the beginning when talking about one of Kirk’s “earth emotions” he comes off like Tucker Carlson talking about women’s health.