Mrs. Brown (1997)

Starring: Judi Dench, Billy Connolly, Geoffrey Palmer, Anthony Sher, Gerard Butler, Richard Pasco.

First, the Lowdown: Queen Victoria is brought out of a state of ennui with the help of a Scottish servant.

Just before Christmas in 1861, Prince Albert, the husband to Queen Victoria, succumbed to typhoid fever. The Queen would spend the next three years mourning his death in seclusion. Hoping to pull Her Majesty out of her mourning, Henry Ponsonby – the Royal Secretary – has called upon the services of John Brown, a servant at Balmoral Castle, of whom the late Prince Albert spoke kindly of. It is his hope that Brown’s familiarity with Prince Albert will shake Victoria out of her languid state.

Brown arrives at the Osborne House and is instructed on how to behave by Ponsonby. The Queen has made strict rules of conduct, adhering to the customs of Royal mourning, but these same strictures have enchained the staff to her – and also have left her in an unending cycle of self-introspection. Brown’s first meeting with the Queen stirs up the ire of Ponsonby, as the Scottish servant speaks openly about the Queen’s grief, causing her to leave crying.

The next morning, Brown assumes his duties as outdoor servant, by waiting with the Queen’s pony in the courtyard – even though she has not sent for him. Henry orders Brown to return to the stable until the Queen requests to go riding, but Brown refuses to conform himself to the ritualized apathy that the rest of the staff have. Brown’s resistance catches the attention of the Queen herself, who eventually relents to go riding outside of the grounds – the first time in years.

At dinner, Brown further ruffles a few feathers by sitting at the head of the servant’s table – a position normally given to the head butler. But when they report Brown’s behavior to the Queen, she lets him stay.

Further rankling Ponsonby and Prince Albert, the Queen’s son, is Victoria’s refusal to be seen in public or to grant audience to anyone. Instead of meeting with a Chancellor, Victoria instead takes the Princesses for a swim – citing Brown’s advice that the saltwater might do her well. In fact the more Brown stays in her service, the more Victoria seems to regard him.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli has become tense as rumors that the voting public is losing faith in the Monarchy because of the Queen’s isolation. Knowing that it is the opinion of the voters that matters the most, he opts to withhold any opinion until he is sure that his friendship with the royal family will not jeopardize his career.

Back at Osbourne, Brown has taken on more duties, questioning the laxness of the staff. His brother Archie (also a member of the staff), however, wonders if there is more to it than that. Indeed, as the Queen begins to spend more time with Brown – the rest of the staff wonder at the motives of both parties.

This was another one of those movies that I was recommended to watch, but only just now got around to it (like Cinema Paradiso). I was bracing myself a little bit, however, because whenever I see a period drama like this – I expect it to be stuffy and dry, like reading Nathaniel Hawthorne, but Mrs. Brown puts a human face on a person who, by virtue of her status, is a cultural icon. When one thinks of the reign of Queen Victoria, it is easy to get swept up in the cultural and technological achievements that one often forgets Her Majesty was so much more than a figurehead. Victoria’s marriage to Prince Albert was unusual in so far as they were both happy in their union, as opposed to content to have married within one’s station. Thusly, his passing was more than just the loss of the Royal Consort, but something that struck a blow with Victoria herself.

I am a huge fan of both Judi Dench and Billy Connolly, and even more impressed with Connolly because of how restrained he is in this film. It has become a far too common stereotype in English period dramas where a concise and proper household is disrupted by a brash highlander with foul manners and an accent you can use to peel paint with. In fact, most notably for this movie, Brown’s Scottish ancestry is just one more thing to demerit him in the eyes of his superiors, rather than being the focus of everyone’s ire.

Line of the movie: You tell “Her Majesty” that if her husband were here he’d tell her to get out of the house and get some air into her lungs.

Four and a half stars. Because sheep can hear zippers.

My Trek of the Stars, Part 8: Balance of Terror

Guest Starring: Stephen Mines, Barbara Baldavin, Garry Walburg, John Warburton

First, the Lowdown: The Enterprise goes to war! That’s pretty much it.

It’s wedding season on the Enterprise! Everyone is gathered in the ship’s chapel to speculate on the cost of the reception, how much weight the bride has gained, and whether or not the groom is going to last more than 2 minutes on their honeymoon. But before Kirk can even say, “I think of it not as losing an officer, but as losing a chick before I had the chance to nail her,” red alert is sounded! Someone is attacking Outpost 4 which monitors the neutral zone between us and the Romulans!

No one is entirely sure who is attacking Outpost 4, though current speculation rides on it being the Romulans. (Gee, ya think?) Kirk orders Spock to give a ship-wide message re-hashing the history of war between the Romulans and the Federation for any of the crew who failed their History final. A hundred years ago the Romulan Star Empire declared war against the Federation. When peace was finally achieved, a Neutral Zone was establish to separate the two territories. (Kinda like North Korea, only without a crazy Christopher Walken midget supervillain running things.) Because the war was fought before the advent of video (I guess they forgot?) no one knows what the Romulans look like. Navigator Stiles, however, has a pretty good idea of what their ships look like – because his ancestors fought in the Romulan war, too. I Romulan ship apparently has a boss mural of a bird of prey on its underside – it probably has the Styx box set too.

Before Outpost 4 sent its distress call, Outposts 2 and 3 lost communications. Sweeping by the area to see what happened, Spock reports that the Outposts have been blown all to hell and the asteroids they were stationed on are now the consistency of Pop Rocks. Kirk calls to battle stations and orders the speed increased to “Haul Ass.” Soon technicians are barking pseudo-science and flipping switches at random everywhere. Outpost 4 resumes communication and reports that Outposts 2, 3, and 8 have been nuked to death. Some ship just appeared out of nowhere and started lobbing balls of energy at them, and then disappeared! Right on cue, a spaceship with a boss Trans Am firebird painted on its undercarriage shows up and blows Outpost 4 all to heck before disappearing. It appears to have a cloaking device that makes it invisible, but not unable to be detected on the Enterprise’s motion sensors. To make the invisible ship look even more retarded, the cloaked vessel can’t see the Enterprise, real tactical advantage, huh? Even though Kirk is still waffling on the idea that the attackers are Romulan, the enemy ship turns toward the Neutral Zone. Kirk orders the Enterprise into a parallel course, so that the Romulan ship thinks they’re a reflection – ‘cause those happen in space all the time. Stiles reminds the captain that the Romulans have obviously have come to kick ass and take names, and that because it was a sneak attack, it means there may be Romulan spies on the Enterprise! (Ask him about the Freemasons sometime, you’ll get an earful.) Right on cue, Uhura intercepts a communiqué from the Romulan ship and feeds it to the main viewer, showing a crew of men with 1980s minivan upholstery suits and pointed ears! Spock slumps back in his chair and says, “Well, there goes my day.”

To break the awkward silence, Kirk orders Uhura to decode the intercepted message, to which Stiles snidely suggests Spock do it. The captain, however, tells Stiles he can shitcan the space-racism (or “spacism” as they call it).

Because of fuel consumption, the Romulan cloaking device turns off. The Romulan Commander orders it turned back on because they are being followed by an Earth ship. The ship’s helmsman disagrees because the blip on their scanner moves as they do – so it’s a reflection, right? The Commander then bawls out a junior officer for breaking radio silence and thereby creating a large plot point in the episode.

Back on the Enterprise, Kirk calls for a staff meeting. The engineering team has brought samples of the Outpost 4 debris to the conference room. They are made of cast rodinium (a derivative of unobtainium), the hardest substance known, but after being hit by the Romulan weapon, they have the consistency of Magic Shell. The lab theorizes that the Romulans have the ability to use BIG TECHNOLOGY WORD which causes a SCIENTIFIC EFFECT on whatever it strikes. Obviously the Romulans have superior firepower and a cloaking device to hide their ass, but all their cash was spent on those two things so even though it has a boss mural and a waterbed in the back, their engine is about as powerful as a Ford Escort. Stiles insists that the Enterprise attack first and ask questions later, otherwise more Romulans will come back for a taste of ass-kicking. Stiles then proceeds to ran on about how the Romulans control the banks and the media, when Spock suddenly agreed that they should go on the offensive. The science officer further clarifies his opinion by saying that he believes the Romulans to be an off-shoot of Vulcans, who in their own history had a colonial period which makes England’s look like a football riot. Fortunately, the Romulans appear to be heading for a comet – which will give their invisible vessel a trail to take bead on. Kirk orders the Enterprise to bomb the bejeezus status and has the ship take an interception course.

In the Romulan vessel, the Commander has their ship enter the comet’s tail thinking that the stoopid humans are going to follow them in – crippling their ship’s ability to track them. But the helmsman points out that the humans aren’t following, so the Commander orders evasive maneuvers. Realizing that he has been duped, Kirk orders a phaser barrage in the general direction of the Romulans, causing dust and Styrofoam packing to fall from the ceiling inside their vessel. But the barrage causes a burnout (I guess they forgot how to make circuit breakers in the 23^rd century) and gives the Romulans ample time to fire their weapon of mass ass-kickery. The Enterprise retreats in a direction of away (because side-stepping it would make them look like pussies), and find out that the weapon’s charge dissipates over time – but still hits them, causing everyone to lurch sideways out of their chairs. Spock returns phaser function and reports that the Romulan ship is returning on its original course. Kirk has the Enterprise follow them again.

Kirk orders the Enterprise to enter the Neutral Zone to headshot the Romulans and teabag them. The Romulan Commander orders all debris from the ship damage to be jettisoned, to fool the humans into thinking they’ve been destroyed. The ploy works, because while the Enterprise sits there, looking at the scanners and scratching their nuts, the Romulans amscray it out of there.

In order to lure the Romulans out of hiding, Kirk orders the Enterprise systems shut down to conceal themselves. However, he is in for a wait, because the Romulans know how to play the silent game too. The good news is that it means Kirk can catch up on his masturbation; the bad news is that it means there is little else to do except rub one out and wait for an attack.

On the bridge, Spock is trying to fix a panel or two when he accidentally switches something on! The Romulans take advantage and move toward the Enterprise to attack. Kirk says “fuck it” and orders the ships weapons to be fired at random, hitting the Romulans with more dust and Styrofoam. The Romulan Commander orders the garbage ejected again, but this time with a nice, nuclear surprise waiting for them. The explosion disables the Enterprise – so the Romulans turn around to kick ass. The Enterprise’s phasers are functional, but there is no backup crew available. Stiles volunteers to help because the smell of pointed ears is getting overpowering to him.

In the phaser room, a coolant seal breaks – flooding the room with purple gas (the bad kind, not the kind that makes Pink Floyd music “deep”.) To make matters worse, the Romulans have de-cloaked and are bearing in for an attack! Sure enough, Mr. Spock just happened to be in the outside corridor and manages to drag Stiles to safety and fire the phasers allowing Kirk to hit the Romulans like the fist of an angry god. Crippled and disabled, the Romulan Commander decides to blow his ass up than deal with the indignity of being pwnzord by a bunch of human noobz.

Recapping the situation, Kirk finds out that Stiles has recanted his spacism from before (because having a Vulcan save your life is akin to not being racist by virtue of having a Mexican gardener), and that the only person who died during the attack is Tomlinson, who was supposed to be getting earlier. So Kirk rushes back to the chapel to see if he can get some condolencing nookie out of the grieving fiancée.

Things to look out for:

Stiles: he’s like that guy you know who has memorized all of his ancestors who fought for the Confederate Army and thinks the “Protocols of the Elders of Zion” is a true account.

Hansen from Outpost 4: When the Enterprise finally makes visual contact, they’re greeted by a guy who looks drunk. It makes the place seem less like it was attacked and more like it was piloted by some dingbat who can hold his ripple.

And what about Spock? When it’s revealed that the Romulans look like the Vulcans, he looks about as embarrassed as you did when you got an erection while standing in front of the whole class.

Sweet Home Alabama (2002)

Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Josh Lucas, Patrick Dempsey, Candace Bergen, Mary Kay Place, Fred Ward.

First, the Lowdown: A NY socialite has to return to her hometown in Alabama to finalize the divorce of her estranged husband.

Melanie Carmichael has the perfect life – she lives in New York City, has successfully launched a fashion line, and is now engaged to one of the most successful men in the city (and the son of the mayor). In fact, after the proposal, Melanie’s fiancé, Andrew, wants to call her parents to give them the good news – a move which she shoots down, because she wants to give it a little time to settle in first.

However, Melanie’s real reason for wanting to keep the engagement on the downlow is that she is still married to her childhood sweetheart in Alabama. (I know! Alabama of all places!) In fact Melanie’s actual name is Melanie “Felony” Smooter. Seven years ago she fled Alabama for New York City to seek her fortune and forget her past – but after several attempts to get her divorce finalized have failed, she has returned home to make sure they do finish.

And that’s all the synopsizing I’m going to do here. You guys come to my website and say “Entertain us, funny guy! Watch the movies and do all the thinking for us so we can quote the hilarious lines you throw up on the screen at our parties and make other people laugh!” Well, as they say: under the greasepaint and blood of children lie the tears of a clown. I’ll give you your “funny” all right, but I want it known that there are times when I watch these films at a great personal and emotional sacrifice, and one day I’ll sit down to try to analyze another pre-manufactured “comedy” and the only thing you’ll get out of me at the end are simian grunts.

First off, lemme point out that it’s pretty obvious from the get go that the character of Melanie is going to dump her perfect, New York fiancé and fall back in love with the guy she left seven years ago. In fact, it seems that everyone (including said fiancé) seems to know this except her. I’m not spoiling the movie, the only way they could make it more obvious is by having a marching band parade across the camera with banners streaming “SHE GETS BACK TOGETHER WITH HER HUSBAND IN THE END!”

What angers me even more than the obvious predictability of this film is that if we had switched the genders and it was Patrick Dempsey who had abandoned a wife in some hick town in the south – he would’ve been made out to be a creep (or a serial killer.)

And what about the cause of their estrangement? There was some brief mention of getting separated because of a miscarriage or something, but then nothing else. Before I watched the movie, I was hoping that there would at least be a weepy and violent separation story – involving booze or guns or both – but then I remembered this was a Reese Witherspoon romantic comedy, which means she’s here to turn everyone’s life around, right?

Oh wait – SHE DOESN’T. Witherspoon’s character isn’t even allowed to do the ONE thing she knows how to do right. Instead it’s scene after scene of Melanie reacting to “quaint, Southern life” as put through a nostalgic filter. (Nobody here even sounds remotely Alabaman – they’re missing the southern drawl on too much novocaine twinge that the Huntsville accent brings.) The more I was exposed to the locals, the less sympathy I had for them, even if their “local color” had been whitewashed a tad to avoid offending the GOP set. Y’know, if you’re going to have the lead character hook back up with her estranged, redneck husband, at least try making the town she left a bit more attractive.

The person I had the most sympathy for, however, was Patrick Dempsey as the perfect fiancé, Andrew. In every single scene he is inwardly chanting “I need this for my career. I need this for my career.” He’s counting the seconds until he’s off camera so he can drink his pain away. In fact, in the film’s climactic scene where Melanie decides to dump Andrew for her ex- (during their wedding, no less), Dempsey looks more relieved to be finally out of the movie than anything else.

I can hardly wait for the sequel – where an embittered Reese Witherspoon has nine kids, chain-smokes Virginia Slims, and drinks long island ice teas to wash away the pain of letting the perfect man go back to New York City.

Line of the movie: “I never understood that expression, but no – I am not ‘shitting’ you.” It was the only one that made me laugh.

Two stars. There is a bottle of booze calling my name.

My Trek Of The Stars, Part 7: Charlie X

Guest Starring: Robert Walker, Charles J. Stewart, Dallas Mitchell, Don Eitner, Patricia McNulty, John Bellah

First, the Lowdown: The Enterprise is visited by a sullen teenager and his godlike powers.

So the Enterprise has met up with the Antares, in order to escort a passenger – a greasy, spotty teenager by the name of Charlie Evans. It seems Charlie is the sole survivor from the colony on Thasus, and has spent the last 14 years living alone – with only data-tapes to learn from. (It’s a good thing the colonists had a large library of Spongebob Squarepants and Blue’s Clues.) Captain Ramart, of the Antares, and his navigator first sing their praises about how much they love the precocious little teen, but after transferring Charlie to the Enterprise make it clear that they want to leave as soon as they can. Kirk has Yeoman Rand escort Charlie to sickbay for an examination – and Charlie awkwardly follows her, trying to hide the boner in his pants.

In sickbay, Dr. McCoy verifies Charlie’s health, and notes that the colony’s supply of food wouldn’t have lasted 14 years. Charlie claims he just found things to eat after the food ran out (I guess you learn which berries not to eat after the first few tries.) After the examination, Charlie asks McCoy if he likes him – because the crew of the Antares didn’t seem to like him at all. (Aw, who wouldn’t like a greasy, little sociopath like him?) McCoy just dismisses it to an adolescent need for acceptance, totally ignoring the kind of emotional trauma living alone for 14 years would have on a child (they should consider themselves lucky that Charlie isn’t speaking in grunts and throwing his poo at them.)

Charlie wanders the decks of the Enterprise, as giddy as a WoW geek at his first ComiCon. He runs into Yeoman Rand again and manifests a bottle of perfume for her as a gift. Rand appreciates it, but Charlie’s overeagerness to please her it kinda off-putting. (Here’s a hint, gents, women don’t like guys who hover.)

On the bridge, McCoy and Spock are debating over whether or not intelligent life exists on the planet Thasus. Spock argues that since the food supplies would have run out in about a year AND there were no magic Cheetos bushes or streams of Kool-Aid, something must have helped Charlie to survive – whether it be the legendary “Thasians” or magic unicorns with magic in their horns and dreams in their manes. One thing McCoy and Spock do agree on is that Charlie needs a paternal figure to help steward him until they can transfer him to a nearby colony, and the one they think is the most suitable is Kirk. (Which is kinda like having your kid babysat by your brother the swinging bachelor – do you really want to him explaining what a “dirty Sanchez” is to your child?)

Meanwhile, in the Recreation Room, things are going pleasantly until Charlie shows up and sucks the music out of the room. (No really, he shows up and the music stops.) But to impress Rand, Charlie performs a few card tricks (looking as annoyingly punchable as David Copperfield while he does so.)

In the galley, Kirk tells the ship’s cook to sculpt the synthetic meatloaf into a turkey-like shape, that way the crew will somehow be less depressed that Thanksgiving is happening on earth while their stuck in the soulless void on a doomed spaceship. Charlie arrives and has another awkward conversation – seems earlier he smacked Yeoman Rand on the ass in parting. Kirk tries to explain to the teen that proper etiquette usually calls for dinner and a movie first, but is summoned to the bridge by a call from the Antares.

When Kirk arrives on the bridge to talk with the Antares, the transmission suddenly cuts out. Charlie mentions something about the Antares being poorly constructed, but before Kirk can ask him what the hell he’s talking about Spock reports that the Antares is destroyed. To make matters even more confusing, the ship’s cook calls to the bridge to report that he put Tofurky in the ovens for the ships meal, and real turkey has come out.

Back in the rec room, Kirk and Spock are enjoying a nice round of 3-D chess (because, it’s the future and all), but Kirk seems distracted by the loss of the Antares. Spock is more concerned with the fact that Charlie seemed to know what happened to the ship before anyone else did. Right on cue, Charlie shows up and Kirk invites him to a game against Spock. Charlie, being an impatient little cuss, is quickly schooled by the Vulcan chessmaster, who quickly departs before Charlie can dash the board against the wall. Alone, Charlie gives the chess set a STARE OF DOOM and suddenly the chess pieces are melted.

Later in the corridor, Charlie runs into Rand and junior grade Yeoman Lawton. Rand thought it would be nice for Charlie to interact with someone around his own age, but the stubborn adolescent snubs the young girl like she was made of ticks or something. Rand reprimands Charlie for being a inconsiderate asshat, which is when the spotty teen breaks into romantic platitude that is both sweet and stalker-riffic.

Yeoman Rand tries explaining to Kirk that if something isn’t done soon about Charlie’s crush on her, she’s gonna have to hurt him. (Probably by macing him in the hallway and making fun of his lack of hygiene in front of a bunch of people.) Kirk has a talk with the kid, and instead of realizing that his actions toward Rand are more than a little creepy, the adolescent gets all sullen and starts cutting on himself.

To help Charlie find a release for his teenage angst, Kirk takes him to the ship’s gymnasium for a little self-defense instruction, but the standard issue tights start making the kid self-conscious. During a practice sparring round, Kirk tosses Charlie to the floor like an unwanted child, much to the amusement of another crewman. Charlie doesn’t like being laughed at, however, and gives the man a STARE OF DOOM – and the man disappears. Kirk, realizing that he is in the presence of another godlike douchebag, summons security to escort Charlie to his quarters. Charlie refuses to be touched, however, and gives the security his STARE OF DOOM – making their phasers disappear. Kirk, however, refuses to be backtalked by some upstart kid (even if he is a godlike douchebag) and tells Charlie to go to his room or else he won’t be allowed to play World of Warcraft for a week. Uhura then reports to him that ALL of the phasers on the ship have somehow disappeared.

Kirk calls for a conference with McCoy and Spock. According to the ship’s records, the Thasians of legend had the ability to transmute matter with their minds, but says nothing of them being douchebags. Kirk deduces that because Charlie has been living alone on a planet with only comic books and sugared cereals to educate him, the acne-ridden teenager doesn’t have the sense of right and wrong that was pummeled into every other child his age by now. Again on cue, Charlie shows up and confesses that he made a vital part of the Antares’s engine disappear, causing it to blow up and stuff. Even more off-putting is the realization that godlike power is in the hands of someone as moody and random as a hormone-fueled juvenile. (Think about what you were like as a sophomore – puberty is like being on crystal meth, only without the clarity of thought.)

Back on the bridge, Kirk orders the ship to be directed away from Colony V – but the subspace transmitter shorts itself out and the helm won’t respond. Obviously they are being manipulated by something, and right on cue our resident delinquent Charlie shows up and demonstrates his power by forcing Spock to spout poetry in a herniated tone. Kirk, growing tired of the juvenile hijinx of a maladjusted teen orders Charlie off the bridge.

Charlie stalks down the corridors to Yeoman Rand’s quarters and forces his way in. More weird platitudes ensue and Rand signals the bridge for help. Kirk and Spock arrive just in time for Charlie to give them his STARE OF DOOM – which flings them against the wall in pain. Rand isn’t impressed with this display of power (most women prefer poetry) and slaps the antisocial brat across his scabrous face. Charlie, like most Asperger’s suffers, doesn’t like being contradicted and gives her the STARE OF DOOM – disappearing the poor yeoman into the ether.

Kirk, in a desperate attempt to reign Charlie in before he starts smoking, lures the kid into a holding cell. But I guess he forgot about Charlie’s STARE OF DOOM, which makes short work of the cell’s force field.

Now really pissed because of the stoopid grown-ups acting like they’re the king of everything, Charlie stomps his way through the Enterprise, lashing out at everything he sees. (In psychiatry, they call this type of behavior age-regression, which is fairly common for adolescents just entering adulthood – only the tend to not melt people’s faces off when they do so.)

On the bridge, Kirk hypothesizes that because Charlie has been expending so much of his talent in order to keep the Enterprise on course, he doesn’t have the strength to whoosh anyone away. Right on cue, Charlie enters, sullen and defiant as usual. Tired of the shenanigans of the little twerp, Kirk orders Spock and McCoy to turn on all of the ship’s controls, distracting the kid. Suddenly a transmission comes in and Yeoman Rand un-disappears herself on the Bridge. The transmission is from the legendary Thasians who have come to collect Charlie like the delinquent little punk he is. Charlie, not wanting to return back to a monastic life with a group of benevolent gaseous anomalies, begs to stay – even promises to do his chores and his homework – but no, he gets disappeared with the Thasians, where no doubt he is sullenly raking trails in a stone garden.

Things to look out for:

Charlie’s STARE OF DOOM: Whenever his power manifests, he looks like a introvert that’s internalizing his anger.

Charlie’s idea of romance: Like a lot of nerds, Charlie’s idea of flirting is to say something borderline offensive in the most uncomfortable manner possible. It’s a good thing he didn’t stay any longer or else he might of started reading some of his fan-fiction to Yeoman Rand.

What is McCoy not today? Schooled in child psychology – he keeps delegating parental authority to Kirk, because he’d make the “cooler dad”.

Project A (1983)

(Originally released as ‘A’ Gai Wak)

Starring: Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, Biao Yuen, Dick Wei, Mars, Isabella Wong, Po Tai, Wu Long Cheung

First, the Lowdown: Jackie Chan is a sailor in the wackiest ship in the Navy.

Hong Kong at the turn of the century is plagued by pirates and thieves. The two major security forces, the Police and the Navy, have been at odds with each other. It seems that only the Police are adept at rooting out crime on the land, whereas the Navy seems only good at losing ships to pirates. Dragon and his fellow sailors hope to change that – much to the ire of the Police squad, who have had more funds diverted from their budget to the Navy. After a bar brawl starts between the rival factions. The Admiral of the Navy is about to launch their new plan to capture the pirates that have been terrorizing their ships when the Navy’s vessels explode while birthed in the harbor. Obviously sabotage is afoot, but before anything can be done, the governor orders the Navy to be seconded to the Police force.

Dragon and the sailors detest the strict discipline of police work, seeing as Captain Tze (who got rather mussed in the bar brawl earlier) seems to take great delight in tormenting the new trainees. Needing more leads into the pirate activity, the Police send a squad to a high-class club to arrest a major gang leader. But Dragon can’t seem to keep his fists to himself and the place erupts in a miasma of violence again, with Dragon dragging their arrest subject out kicking and screaming. The police chief is offended by Dragon’s behavior and demands he apologize to the gangster. Dragon tells the chief to take his badge and shove it and storms out the door.

Dragon’s sulking is curtailed quickly by the arrival of an old friend of his, a con-man by the name of Fats.

Okay, so Jackie Chan is here in his “Whacky Chan” mode in a movie that started his habit of blurring the lines between physical comedy and martial arts mayhem – one particular scene recalls Harold Lloyd in Safety First. This film feels like a starting effort, like it was hard to resist putting every single idea that came to mind. Which is probably why it also feels very stream of conscious, with one scene segueing into another without so much as a pause. There is a bunch going on here for what should be a simple martial arts flick. Also interesting to note is how the fight scenes are shifting from the “rhythmic blows” kind of choreography that was prevalent in the 1970’s to a more fluid style that is seen today. That being said, one of the more frustrating parts of the movie is how little Sammo Hung is utilized in it. He seems to only pop up occasionally to remind the viewer he’s still there.

Line of the Movie: “To capture the pirates we’re gonna need boats. A lot of boats.”

Three and a half stars. I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.

My Trek Of The Stars, Part 6: The Naked Time

Guest Starring: Stewart Moss, Majel Barret, Bruce Hyde, Grace Lee Whitney, William Knight, John Bellah

First, the Lowdown: The Enterprise crew is infected with a disease that makes them all act like college sophomores on Spring Break.

So the Enterprise is in orbit of the planet Psi 2000 (now with 2000 times the cleaning planet as the original Psi!). A scientific party has been on the frozen, Land of Dairy Queen-like surface to research the eventual disintegration of the planet. (Because that’s what planets do when they get too old, they fall apart like an old Gremlin.) On beaming down to the planet surface, Spock and Lt. Tormolen discover that what is supposed to be a bland research station now looks like a frat house after rush week, complete with strangled lady in a back room (if you can’t get rid of the dead hooker before the campus police show up, you can’t make it into Theta Chi, bro.) It’s a good thing Spock and Tormolen wore special clothing made of shower curtains before beaming down, otherwise they’d be freezing. Tormolen takes some instrument readings, and then takes off the glove to his suit (it’s a good thing hands don’t get contaminated) in order to scratch his nose and smear his exposed fingers in the pool of liquid plot device. Spock concludes that the scientific party has gone batshit insane and beams Tormolen and himself up.

On the Enterprise, the landing party is decontaminated and examined by the doctor, who can’t find anything wrong with them – and nothing suspicious about Tormolen’s case of sweaty palms.

Meanwhile, in the briefing room, Kirk hammers home the point that they still don’t know what caused the scientific party to just go bananas, and that once Psi 2000 starts breaking up, they’ll need to make sure the Enterprise isn’t in it’s line of sight. In the recreation room, Sulu and Lt. Riley walk in to see Tormolen break into a psychotic rage – so psychotic that Tormolen falls on his own butter knife. Now Sulu and Riley, the ship’s navigator and helmsman, have a case of sweaty palms.

While Kirk and Spock discuss Tormolen’s recent outbreak of crazy, Dr. McCoy is trying to patch up the damage he did with his butter knife. What should be a routine operation is a complete clusterfuck, leaving Tormolen dead on the table. Back on the bridge, Sulu and Riley’s case of sweaty palms is distracting them from making course corrections. When Kirk leaves the bridge to hear McCoy’s report, Sulu sneaks off to practice fencing.

Riley, however, has proven himself a poor substitute by swaggering and loudly proclaiming as if he were the central character of a James Joyce novel. Spock relieves the now drunken Riley to sickbay, where he only reports long enough to give Nurse Chapel a case of sweaty palms, and then departs into the engine room. Meanwhile, Sulu has reappeared – half-naked and swinging a sword. He swashes his buckle all the way to the bridge, but his Wu-Tang sword no match for Spock’s Vulcan neck pinch. Too make matters worse, Riley has commandeered the ship via the engine room and locked himself in.

As time goes on, more and more crewmen are becoming infected – turning the Enterprise into a drunken orgy that’s spiraling out of control. (It’s the “spiraling out of control” part that makes this situation so unique.)

Spock checks in on Scotty – who’s cutting through a wall next to the engine room door – and McCoy – who had to take off to check on something in the biopsy lab. On the bridge, the crewmembers are getting more and more high as time wears on, which would be funny if it weren’t for Riley belting out the same Irish ballad over the PA over and over again like a mid-twenties asshat who fills the bar jukebox with four hours worth of Nickleback. When Spock arrives at sickbay, Nurse Chapel transfers her case of sweaty palms to him, after telling him she loves him. Spock departs awkwardly and ducks into the briefing room so he can weep like a computer club member that’s been pantsed by the captain of the football time in front of the cheerleader he’s been crushing on.

Scotty succeeds in breaking into the engine room (you see, in the future they only need about a dozen interns to maintain a faster-than-light engine.) But Riley, in his drunken stupor, has shut the engines completely off – meaning the Enterprise is about to crash and burn in less time than there’s left in the episode.

But the good news is that Dr. McCoy has discovered an antidote to the sweaty palms everyone’s been dealing with (or at least has figured out a way for them to fudge a breathalyzer test.)

Kirk stumbles upon Spock in the briefing room and tries to shake him out of his depressing cycle before he starts cutting on himself. He slaps Spock to sobriety, but not before coming down with his own case of sweaty palms. Spock figures out a nice, whiz-bang solution to their engine problem – which sends the Enterprise to fast in reverse that time itself is going backwards! The time warp sent them back three days – which is the perfect amount of time to forget how many embarrassing sex acts the just witnessed and participated in.

Things to look out for:

The “sweaty palms”: You can tell who has been infected because they begin to wipe their hands on their trousers, like after shaking hands with that greasy guy your dad is friends with.

The shower curtain suits: I’m not sure what environment they’re meant to protect their users from, but I sure hope they get them regularly checked for soap scum.

What is McCoy not today? Able to keep his nurses and orderlies sober.

Does Sulu get stoned? Boy howdy, does he! Shirtless and chasing crewmembers with a sword (you better hope I’m not being metaphorical with that) – or as they call it on the Enterprise: Tuesday.

And what about Spock? Spock gets all emo and weepy in this episode. What’s really surprising to me is that he doesn’t start listening to the Smiths while he’s at it.

Ma Vie En Rose (1997)

Starring: Michèle Laroque, Jean-Phillipe Écoffey, Hélène Vincent, Georges Du Fresne, Danielle Hanssens

First, the Lowdown: A 7-year old boy wants to be a girl. Which drives the grown-ups in his life crazy.

The Fabres have just moved into their new house, in a very suburban neighborhood. To celebrate their arrival, they throw a housewarming party, inviting everyone around. At the party, the head of the Fabre household, Pierre, introduces his wife and children to their new neighbors. But the introductions are thrown off when their youngest son, Ludovic, shows up – wearing his sister’s dress and makeup.

Ludovic wants to be a girl. He wants it with the same kind of fever and intensity most boys his age reserve for a favorite birthday present. At first his parents thought it was just a stage that all children go through to establish an identity. But then Ludovic starts playing with Jérôme, the son of his father’s boss. It would’ve been a nice afternoon if Jérôme’s mother hadn’t caught them – pretending to get married to each other (with Ludovic in a dress belonging to Jérôme’s dead sister.) Needless to say, what his parents thought would be a “phase” is quickly turning into a more serious problem.

Things quickly spiral out of hand for the Fabres: the more they try to force Ludovic to act like other boys in his gender, the more he finds himself drawn away from it. Even more disconcerting for the Fabres than their child’s “confusion” is how the neighborhood is reacting to it – countering polite speech in public with harsh sentiments in private. The tension reaches a boiling point when Ludovic changes costumes with a girl playing Snow White during a school play.

I always find it interesting how even the most enlightened and liberal-minded parents will suddenly panic when it turns out their own child is gay. It’s like it’s easier to support other people’s children.

Watching this movie did make me think – what would I do in this situation? I consider myself pretty open-minded, and I know that either of my children could feel comfortable being open about their sexuality (whatever it is) to me. Gender dysphoria (discontent with one’s biological gender) opens a new can of worms, though, especially if it manifests at a young age. It’s one thing for parents to be comfortable with their child acting outside of socially-accepted gender roles at the home, but what about the school? I wouldn’t want to discourage my child from acting in a way that pleased him/her - and was healthy for their emotional/physical growth - but it would be naïve of me to expect other parents, teacher, and authority figures to be as understanding. The only solution I can think of would be to establish boundaries for the child as far as when and where he/she can be comfortable acting on those desires – until the child was of an age to start making informed decisions on their own (like his/her mid-teens).

The thing that’s interesting about Ma Vie En Rose is this – it doesn’t get preachy. It teeters on the edge a few times, but doesn’t soapbox at all. Another interesting quality is Ludovic and how his character is developed. When he is forced to act more masculine by his parents, Ludovic suddenly finds himself rejected by his peers who keep treating him like he’s effeminate – which only deepens his confusion.

Line of the Movie: “To make a baby, parents play tic-tac-toe. When one wins, God sends Xs and Ys. XX for a girl, and XY for a boy. But my X for a girl fell in the trash, and I got a Y instead.”

Four stars. Those who live by the pineapple, die by the pineapple.