My Trek Of The Stars, Part 7: Charlie X

Guest Starring: Robert Walker, Charles J. Stewart, Dallas Mitchell, Don Eitner, Patricia McNulty, John Bellah

First, the Lowdown: The Enterprise is visited by a sullen teenager and his godlike powers.

So the Enterprise has met up with the Antares, in order to escort a passenger – a greasy, spotty teenager by the name of Charlie Evans. It seems Charlie is the sole survivor from the colony on Thasus, and has spent the last 14 years living alone – with only data-tapes to learn from. (It’s a good thing the colonists had a large library of Spongebob Squarepants and Blue’s Clues.) Captain Ramart, of the Antares, and his navigator first sing their praises about how much they love the precocious little teen, but after transferring Charlie to the Enterprise make it clear that they want to leave as soon as they can. Kirk has Yeoman Rand escort Charlie to sickbay for an examination – and Charlie awkwardly follows her, trying to hide the boner in his pants.

In sickbay, Dr. McCoy verifies Charlie’s health, and notes that the colony’s supply of food wouldn’t have lasted 14 years. Charlie claims he just found things to eat after the food ran out (I guess you learn which berries not to eat after the first few tries.) After the examination, Charlie asks McCoy if he likes him – because the crew of the Antares didn’t seem to like him at all. (Aw, who wouldn’t like a greasy, little sociopath like him?) McCoy just dismisses it to an adolescent need for acceptance, totally ignoring the kind of emotional trauma living alone for 14 years would have on a child (they should consider themselves lucky that Charlie isn’t speaking in grunts and throwing his poo at them.)

Charlie wanders the decks of the Enterprise, as giddy as a WoW geek at his first ComiCon. He runs into Yeoman Rand again and manifests a bottle of perfume for her as a gift. Rand appreciates it, but Charlie’s overeagerness to please her it kinda off-putting. (Here’s a hint, gents, women don’t like guys who hover.)

On the bridge, McCoy and Spock are debating over whether or not intelligent life exists on the planet Thasus. Spock argues that since the food supplies would have run out in about a year AND there were no magic Cheetos bushes or streams of Kool-Aid, something must have helped Charlie to survive – whether it be the legendary “Thasians” or magic unicorns with magic in their horns and dreams in their manes. One thing McCoy and Spock do agree on is that Charlie needs a paternal figure to help steward him until they can transfer him to a nearby colony, and the one they think is the most suitable is Kirk. (Which is kinda like having your kid babysat by your brother the swinging bachelor – do you really want to him explaining what a “dirty Sanchez” is to your child?)

Meanwhile, in the Recreation Room, things are going pleasantly until Charlie shows up and sucks the music out of the room. (No really, he shows up and the music stops.) But to impress Rand, Charlie performs a few card tricks (looking as annoyingly punchable as David Copperfield while he does so.)

In the galley, Kirk tells the ship’s cook to sculpt the synthetic meatloaf into a turkey-like shape, that way the crew will somehow be less depressed that Thanksgiving is happening on earth while their stuck in the soulless void on a doomed spaceship. Charlie arrives and has another awkward conversation – seems earlier he smacked Yeoman Rand on the ass in parting. Kirk tries to explain to the teen that proper etiquette usually calls for dinner and a movie first, but is summoned to the bridge by a call from the Antares.

When Kirk arrives on the bridge to talk with the Antares, the transmission suddenly cuts out. Charlie mentions something about the Antares being poorly constructed, but before Kirk can ask him what the hell he’s talking about Spock reports that the Antares is destroyed. To make matters even more confusing, the ship’s cook calls to the bridge to report that he put Tofurky in the ovens for the ships meal, and real turkey has come out.

Back in the rec room, Kirk and Spock are enjoying a nice round of 3-D chess (because, it’s the future and all), but Kirk seems distracted by the loss of the Antares. Spock is more concerned with the fact that Charlie seemed to know what happened to the ship before anyone else did. Right on cue, Charlie shows up and Kirk invites him to a game against Spock. Charlie, being an impatient little cuss, is quickly schooled by the Vulcan chessmaster, who quickly departs before Charlie can dash the board against the wall. Alone, Charlie gives the chess set a STARE OF DOOM and suddenly the chess pieces are melted.

Later in the corridor, Charlie runs into Rand and junior grade Yeoman Lawton. Rand thought it would be nice for Charlie to interact with someone around his own age, but the stubborn adolescent snubs the young girl like she was made of ticks or something. Rand reprimands Charlie for being a inconsiderate asshat, which is when the spotty teen breaks into romantic platitude that is both sweet and stalker-riffic.

Yeoman Rand tries explaining to Kirk that if something isn’t done soon about Charlie’s crush on her, she’s gonna have to hurt him. (Probably by macing him in the hallway and making fun of his lack of hygiene in front of a bunch of people.) Kirk has a talk with the kid, and instead of realizing that his actions toward Rand are more than a little creepy, the adolescent gets all sullen and starts cutting on himself.

To help Charlie find a release for his teenage angst, Kirk takes him to the ship’s gymnasium for a little self-defense instruction, but the standard issue tights start making the kid self-conscious. During a practice sparring round, Kirk tosses Charlie to the floor like an unwanted child, much to the amusement of another crewman. Charlie doesn’t like being laughed at, however, and gives the man a STARE OF DOOM – and the man disappears. Kirk, realizing that he is in the presence of another godlike douchebag, summons security to escort Charlie to his quarters. Charlie refuses to be touched, however, and gives the security his STARE OF DOOM – making their phasers disappear. Kirk, however, refuses to be backtalked by some upstart kid (even if he is a godlike douchebag) and tells Charlie to go to his room or else he won’t be allowed to play World of Warcraft for a week. Uhura then reports to him that ALL of the phasers on the ship have somehow disappeared.

Kirk calls for a conference with McCoy and Spock. According to the ship’s records, the Thasians of legend had the ability to transmute matter with their minds, but says nothing of them being douchebags. Kirk deduces that because Charlie has been living alone on a planet with only comic books and sugared cereals to educate him, the acne-ridden teenager doesn’t have the sense of right and wrong that was pummeled into every other child his age by now. Again on cue, Charlie shows up and confesses that he made a vital part of the Antares’s engine disappear, causing it to blow up and stuff. Even more off-putting is the realization that godlike power is in the hands of someone as moody and random as a hormone-fueled juvenile. (Think about what you were like as a sophomore – puberty is like being on crystal meth, only without the clarity of thought.)

Back on the bridge, Kirk orders the ship to be directed away from Colony V – but the subspace transmitter shorts itself out and the helm won’t respond. Obviously they are being manipulated by something, and right on cue our resident delinquent Charlie shows up and demonstrates his power by forcing Spock to spout poetry in a herniated tone. Kirk, growing tired of the juvenile hijinx of a maladjusted teen orders Charlie off the bridge.

Charlie stalks down the corridors to Yeoman Rand’s quarters and forces his way in. More weird platitudes ensue and Rand signals the bridge for help. Kirk and Spock arrive just in time for Charlie to give them his STARE OF DOOM – which flings them against the wall in pain. Rand isn’t impressed with this display of power (most women prefer poetry) and slaps the antisocial brat across his scabrous face. Charlie, like most Asperger’s suffers, doesn’t like being contradicted and gives her the STARE OF DOOM – disappearing the poor yeoman into the ether.

Kirk, in a desperate attempt to reign Charlie in before he starts smoking, lures the kid into a holding cell. But I guess he forgot about Charlie’s STARE OF DOOM, which makes short work of the cell’s force field.

Now really pissed because of the stoopid grown-ups acting like they’re the king of everything, Charlie stomps his way through the Enterprise, lashing out at everything he sees. (In psychiatry, they call this type of behavior age-regression, which is fairly common for adolescents just entering adulthood – only the tend to not melt people’s faces off when they do so.)

On the bridge, Kirk hypothesizes that because Charlie has been expending so much of his talent in order to keep the Enterprise on course, he doesn’t have the strength to whoosh anyone away. Right on cue, Charlie enters, sullen and defiant as usual. Tired of the shenanigans of the little twerp, Kirk orders Spock and McCoy to turn on all of the ship’s controls, distracting the kid. Suddenly a transmission comes in and Yeoman Rand un-disappears herself on the Bridge. The transmission is from the legendary Thasians who have come to collect Charlie like the delinquent little punk he is. Charlie, not wanting to return back to a monastic life with a group of benevolent gaseous anomalies, begs to stay – even promises to do his chores and his homework – but no, he gets disappeared with the Thasians, where no doubt he is sullenly raking trails in a stone garden.

Things to look out for:

Charlie’s STARE OF DOOM: Whenever his power manifests, he looks like a introvert that’s internalizing his anger.

Charlie’s idea of romance: Like a lot of nerds, Charlie’s idea of flirting is to say something borderline offensive in the most uncomfortable manner possible. It’s a good thing he didn’t stay any longer or else he might of started reading some of his fan-fiction to Yeoman Rand.

What is McCoy not today? Schooled in child psychology – he keeps delegating parental authority to Kirk, because he’d make the “cooler dad”.