"Orgazmo" (1997)

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"Nowhere In Africa" (2001)

(Originally released as Nirgendwo in Afrika)

Starring: Juliane Kohler, Merab Ninidze, Sidede Onyulo, Matthias Habich, Lea Kurka, Karoline Eckertz

First, the lowdown: A German-Jewish family flee to Kenya before the start of WWII.

I’ve always found foreign movies about World War II more enlightening than American ones. Mostly because they tend to provide a more genuine perspective of what it was like to have the enemy quite literally at your doorstep. It’s something that a lot of people in the US tend to forget, we haven’t had to fight a war against foreign invaders on our own soil since the 19th century. The closest we’ve been was the bombing of Pearl Harbor, and that was only one attack and did not involve entrenched soldiers fighting in the streets of our cities.

Jettel is the wife of a well-off, but non-practicing, Jewish lawyer in Germany. Her husband, Walter, has emigrated to Rongai, a small community outside of Nairobi, Kenya. Sensing the growing climate of anti-Semitism in his native land, Walter has been working at a ranch to earn enough money to bring Jettel and their daughter, Regina, to live with him.

Upon arriving at the modest house, Jettel is horrified at the squalid conditions and subsistence living. But Regina looks at her new home with child-like wonderment. While her mother acts out in self-denial of their newfound hardship, Regina finds herself more and more drawn to dusky land and its people, especially to Owuor, the household cook.

As time draws on, Walter is further vindicated by his decision to move his family once he hears word of the Nazi government imprisoning Jews, a point that Jettel begrudgingly concedes. However, once war has broken out between Germany and England, Walter and Jettel find out that unlike their homeland, here in colonial Kenya they’re not seen as Jews, but as GERMANS and are rounded up for internment as such. (In an ironic sequence, we find that while the men are sent to a prison camp, the women are kept under house arrest in a luxury hotel.)

After convincing the English that they’re refugees from their own country, Jettel and Walter find new work at another farm while its owner is fighting for the British. And Jettel finds herself growing more and more content with her new home and its people as her daughter is.

It’s a movie of interesting contrasts, told through the eyes of Regina. Contrasts are a consistent theme from the beginning: a playful romp in the German snow cuts back and forth to Walter’s early battle with malaria in the sun-filled skies of Kenya. Even the individual character arcs provide a different form of disparity: Jettel initially resists the idea of living in Kenya and thinks that the situation in Germany has been blown out of proportion by her husband (an attitude that changes when Walter receives a letter containing news of his father’s death at the hands of the SS) but then finds herself horrified at the prospect of leaving the farm; Walter is aimless at first, until he is offered to help the British army. The only anchor is Regina, who loves her adopted country as only a child could.

Line of the movie: “One person always loves more. That's what makes it so difficult. And the one who loves more is vulnerable.”

Four and a half stars. Add salt to taste.

"Beat Girl" (1960)

(Also known as Wild For Kicks)

Starring: Noelle Adam, David Farrar, Gillian Hills, Christopher Lee, Oliver Reed, Adam Faith, Pascalina

First, the lowdown: It’s teenagers gone wild, London-style.

My picture of London in the sixties has only been formed by the input I receive from movies of that era. So it’s no wonder that when I think of what it must have been like to live there and then, I come up with nothing but David Niven and Michael Caine chasing bad guys around in a checkerboard Austin Mini through a polka-dotted landscape with Big Ben tolling ominously in the background. According to the movies, not much was going on in London during the sixties except for crime, fashion, sex, and the occasional Beatles appearance. I thought I’d never get any insight on what it was like to raise a teenager in such a chaotic environment. Well, I thought wrong. Beat Girl introduces us to the steamy London underground beat scene (which looks surprisingly mod). Rich architect Paul has returned with his new upgrade French bride Nichole after doing something with his profession, nobody really knows. Paul’s spoiled daughter, Jennifer, sneaks out every evening to a sleazy coffee house filled with other teens, bad dancing, and an 18 year-old Oliver Reed hopped up on goofballs. Naturally opposed to anything that makes her parents happy with her, Jennifer takes an immediate disliking to Nichole (I’m thinking it’s because she’s French). Rather than get into a sexy stepmother/stepdaughter rivalry, Nichole tries her best to endear herself to Jennifer, which only causes more friction between the two. After Jennifer breaks a lunch date with Nichole, she trails her down to the same sleazy coffee house. There, Jennifer’s friends are busy ogling the British edition of Mamie Van Doren, who’s waiting for someone. Eventually taking the hint, Nichole leaves, only to be recognized by a local stripper, Greta. Looking for some way to torment her new guardian, Jennifer goes to the strip joint Greta works at and grills her for information about Nichole. Greta balks at first, but then her creepy boyfriend Christopher Lee strides in and presses her to spill her guts. Apparently Greta and Nichole worked together at a Parisian burlesque to afford rent. Now armed with shreds of Nichole’s scandalous past, Jennifer goes home to taunt her. But Jennifer’s exposure to the strip club scene has now fascinated her, and she wonders if she’s the kinda person who would disrobe to her skivvies in front of the salivating masses. From here on, it’s pretty much the standard pseudo-moralistic drama; with more scenes of Jennifer rebelling (“Against what?” one might ask), partying with friends in scummy locations, and being pawed on by Christopher Lee (ick).

Line of the movie: “It’s our thing, Daddy, and we do it for fun or just for kicks.” Jennifer with her hormones in bloom.

Two and a half stars. Take me to Funkytown.

"Visitor Q (2001)"

(Originally released as Bijita Q)

Starring: Kenichi Endo, Shungika Uchida, Kazushi Watanabe, Jun Muro, Fujiko, Shoko Nakahara

First, the lowdown: Takashi Miike puts the “fun” back in “dysfunctional.”

I hate “reality television.” Never in my life have I seen a better example of how phony everything on TV is than “reality” programming. What a misnomer: I’m sorry, but I’m not surrounded by visually compelling people with vapid personalities and a smidgeon of makeup to prevent their faces from reflecting the studio lights. Fox’s Shit to Freak You Out series (like When Hamsters Attack) is more realistic than Survivor and there’s a better chance of seeing breasts. The only time when “reality TV” will hold my interest is when they have a show where the contestants have to kill each other and then violate the corpse.

Rant over.

Kiyoshi is a TV interviewer who’s had a series of bad luck (and a lot of mental issues.) After an interview with rebellious teens ends with him being sodomized by them on camera with his own microphone, Kiyoshi’s career has taken a downward turn. On top of that his home life isn’t too happy either: Mom is a heroin addict who is routinely brutalized by their son, older sister has been turning tricks instead of going to school, and the local bullies like picking on the son.

Enter the Visitor, a nameless person in a loud red shirt whose distinguishing characteristic is that he likes to bash people in the head with a rock. (Kiyoshi sports a gauze dressing on his noggin for most of the film because of an early encounter.)

The movie in fact kinda reminds me of Todd Solondz’s ironically-named Happiness. You’re presented with a tableau of miserable players and get to watch the swirling spiral of their lives, but as an added feature it’s voyeuristically filmed entirely with a hand video camera. The opening scene involves Kiyoshi approaching his daughter as a customer (squick), and is seen from the camera Kiyoshi is using (with intermittent flashes of stills taken by the daughter’s digital camera.)

That being said, I didn’t find this as enjoyable as other movies. True it was fascinating to see the character’s arc in a scribbly fashion, but it didn’t seem to show me anything new. Then again, I have been watching a lot by Miike lately, so it could be possible I’m just getting burnt out on it.

Line of the movie: “This isn’t a mystery of life! It’s shit!” Uhhh, yeah.

Three stars. Are you a mod or a rocker?

"Cleopatra Jones And The Casino Of Gold" (1975)

Starring: Tamara Dobson, Stella Stevens, Tanny, Norman Fell, Albert Popwell, Caro Kenyatta.

First, the lowdown: Cleopatra Jones is back in her long-awaited sequel!

Ah, Cleo. After kicking ass and taking names in her first movie, she took it easy for a while and then made this shtick. Casino Of Gold (ain’t that a cool title) opens up with undercover informants Matthew and Melvin trying to wrangle a smack deal. Apparently their connection was double-crossing his boss, and they end up getting captured. The boss calls herself The Dragon Lady and dresses like a villain from a Wonder Woman episode. Ordered by her boss, Mr. Roper from Three’s Company, Cleopatra has to dig her nails into the chintzy underbelly that is the 70’s Hong Kong underground. After being spurned by cab drivers and uncooperative miscreants, Cleopatra hooks up with local P.I. Mi Ling. Mi Ling’s brother likes motorcycles, even though it doesn’t look like he has ever seen one before. Cleo’s only connection is a guy named Soo Da Chen; who, after being caught two-timing on Dragon Lady, has made himself harder to find than a whore in the Vatican. At loss of what to do next, Cleo tracks down Chen’s brother and slaps him silly until he spills his guts. Chen hides out at a local billiard parlor (where he has cleverly disguised himself by putting on a hat) and just as Cleo and Co. arrive to nab his drug-peddling ass, Dragon Lady’s homies bust in and yoink him out from under their nose. She tries tailing them in across town, but even after wasting three vehicles and most of Hong Kong’s shopping district (which looks like it was orchestrated completely without stunt drivers), the bad guys still get away. Meanwhile, at Dragon Lady’s Casino o’ Gold, Matthew and Melvin are pulled out of their usual filth-ridden accommodations and given the deluxe treatment by Dragon Lady and her friends. This is supposed to lure them into a false sense of security or something, as they start prancing about the casino in outfits that make Huggy Bear look stylin’. But, before things get too comfortable, she invites Matt and Mel to her private basement chambers to she can demonstrate her fencing prowess (or lack thereof) on the newly captured Chen. After skewering her opponent with the Hibachi style of swordplay, she orders a sanction on Cleo and her pesky friend Mi Ling. Back on the mainland; Cleo gets chewed out by her boss for the shoddy driving a few minutes before. (At least, I think her boss is pissed off; Mr. Roper never seemed like one to get enraged, just mildly annoyed.) We find out that Dragon Lady’s hideout is in Macau, but Cleo can’t go because it’s out of her jurisdiction. (But since we really don’t know what agency she works for, I think the point is moot.) When the assassination attempt on Mi Ling is botched by Cleo’s untimely arrival, the pair say “Screw our jurisdiction,” and jet over to Macau to kick some Dragon Lady behind.

Line of the movie: “About that report: Write it on your ass.” Cleopatra Jones’ opinion of clerical work.

Three stars. Do not induce vomiting.

"Gozu" (2003)

(Originally released as Gokudo Kyofu Dai-gekijo: Gozu)

Starring: Hideki Sone, Sho Aikawa, Kimika Yoshino, Shohei Hino, Keiko Tomita, Harumi Sone

First, the lowdown: A yakuza member takes his brother to Nagoya to kill him, and then it gets weird.

This is gonna be a hard one for me to write. Throughout the movie I started to see quite a few David Lynch-like parallels: small industrial town setting, outsider wandering around in bewilderment, sex that isn’t sexy, violence that isn’t violent, and layer after layer of ambiguity. In fact summing this movie is like summing up Blue Velvet. True you can give a rough sketch, but you still miss on many of the oddities that are presented in this movie with a basic review. But here goes.

Minami and Ozaki are brothers who’ve been working with the Azamawari crew for years. Minami loves his older brother very much, but Ozaki is nuts. As in mondo batshit insane. At a crew meeting, Ozaki makes a comment about a tiny lapdog outside being trained to kill Yakuza. Before anyone has the opportunity to refute this claim, Ozaki strides outside and dashes the animal on the sidewalk, shocking everyone. (Then again, having been around too many ill-mannered, constantly barking, little rodents that pretend to be dogs, I can’t hardly blame him.)

The Chairman doesn’t approve of that flavor of crazy, so he orders Minami to take his brother to Nagoya, on the pretense that they’re checking up on a crew there. In reality, Minami is supposed to kill his brother when they arrive in Nagoya and take him to a “disposal yard” that the Chairman controls.

On route, Ozaki orders Minami to stop the car so that they can take out the vehicle behind them that’s also been trained to kill Yakuza. Minami recognizes this as yet another one of Ozaki’s fugues and stops him from shooting the driver of the other car by knocking Ozaki out.

Upon arrival in Nagoya, however, Minami finds out that his brother has died some time during the trip. Not knowing what to do, Minami pulls into a restaurant to collect himself. After making a brief break in the restaurant (don’t order the chicken custard), Minami looks outside and sees that his brother’s body has disappeared. So after enlisting in the help of a man with a pigment disorder (which makes him look like a member of the Mummenschantz), Minami goes on a frantic search for his brother’s dead, but very mobile body.

That’s all I can really sum up and it doesn’t even scrape the surface of the oddness of this film. While I am gaining a like of Takashi Miike’s work, there’s so much to this movie that feels like a first effort. The movie is ambiguous, REALLY AMBIGUOUS. I haven’t seen so much tense vagueness in a film since Twin Peaks. All this movie needed was a backwards talking midget and we’d be set.

Line of the movie: “Those who serve milk are healthier than those who drink it.” You ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie.

Three and a half stars. Not a significant source of calcium.

"Ricky-Oh: The Story Of Ricky" (1991)

(Thirty of these already? WOOT!)

(Originally released as Lik Wong)

Starring: Siu-Wong Fan, Mei Shen Fan, Ka-Kui Ho, Yukari Oshima, Frankie Chin, Tetsuro Tamba

First, the lowdown: A young martial arts student is sent to prison and noogies ensue.

(Quick aside, Ricky-Oh is based on an ultra-violent Japanese comic of the same name written by the same author as Fist Of The North Star. But because this is a Chinese production Riki is instead called “Lik Wong”. To further complicate matters, the English dub changed ALL of the names around. So with the exception of Riki, I’ll be referring to the other characters by their Chinese names.)

In the slightly distant future prisons are run by mega-corporations as profit generating outlets. (Don’t laugh, I hear this isn’t too far off.) Enter Riki, who’s recently sentenced for murder and who constantly has a surly look on his face. He’s not even five minutes into the debriefing process and already causing problems when the bullet slugs still embedded in his chest set off the metal detector. (“They’re souvenirs,” he scoffs.)

Prison life is particularly hard here, as the prisoners find themselves constantly under the thumb of a hierarchy of gangs, dominated by the Gang of Four who defer to the Warden and Assistant Warden. When a Don Knotts-looking prisoner asks low-end ruffian Wildcat not to steal his towel, the gangster conspires with the assistant warden to deny Don Knotts’ parole. Heartbroken, Don gets the snot kicked out of him by Wildcat, who triumphantly walks away - only to be tripped by Riki and get skewered by a board with some nails in it.

Wildcat takes serious umbrage at Riki’s act of defiance, so he enlists the help of Elephant: a walking ZIP code who has a habit of eating his cellmates. Riki punctures Elephant quicker than a set of factory-issue Firestones, an act that catches the eye of the Assistant Warden (a hook-handed evil Buddy Hackett who keeps mints in his false eye. Ick.) Turns out that Riki’s had quite the sordid past, but took a 2 year sabbatical. The gap in Riki’s history has the Asst. Warden suspecting that Riki may be working with the authorities to put the kybosh on the naughtiness going on in the jail.

FLASHBACK! A very preppy looking Riki runs into his long lost Uncle in a graveyard, who teaches the turk Chi Gung: A martial art that enhances ones strength and resilience depending on how well they focus their anger (it also gives the practitioner a grow-a-new-ass ability when wounded.)

And Riki finds plenty of reasons to get pissed here, chief among them finding the prison’s opium farm. In another FLASHBACK we see Riki in cutesy-wootsy bliss with his unnamed girlfriend. While walking back home from work, Unnamed Girlfriend is kidnapped by heroin pushers and faced with sleeping with their older brother. But rather than face that indignity UG leaps out the window to kill herself. Riki confronts the drug lord about his girlfriend’s death and is shot five times in the chest. But that doesn’t stop Riki from tearing up the guy like a pitbull with a sock monkey.

Meanwhile, the Warden has returned from his vacation in Hawaii with his porcine son, and is not terribly happy at the way things have been going – in particular, Riki’s method of self-expression by putting his fist through people’s skulls. Rather than showing Riki alternate and more socially accepted ways of displaying anger, the Warden instead subjects the little cuss to some of the more inventive forms of physical torture and punishment I’ve seen since the Barbara Streisand Film Festival.

This is my favorite martial arts film of all time. The mindless violence, over-the-top gore, and mind-boggling physical displays make Story of Ricky look like the Shaw Bros.’ Flying Guillotine as told by a nine year old that’s eaten too much sugar. The makeup effects are barely passable and only seem to emphasize the cartoony action. (A classic scene has a recently disemboweled man make a desperation attempt to kill Riki by strangling him with his own intestines.) But if you’re looking for realism in the movies, why are you reading this?

Line of the movie: “Enough! We're human beings! HUUUMAAAAN BEEEEIIIINGS!” Like you couldn’t tell with all the innards strewn about.

Five stars. Add water and stir.