My Trek of the Stars, Part 5: The Man Trap

Guest Starring: Jeanne Bal, Alfred Ryder, Bruce Watson, Michael Zaslow, Vince Howard, Francine Pyne

First, the Lowdown: Dr. McCoy visits an old flame, and comes back with something extra.

So, the Enterprise has been called to the planet M-113 (a planet so boring, it doesn’t have a real name) to perform a routine medical examination on the archeological team that resides there. Dr. McCoy insisted that the team show up early because an old girlfriend of his, Nancy, is now married to the chief archeologist, Dr. Crater. When McCoy, Kirk, and Expendable Crewman Darnell arrive, no one is there to greet them. But before Kirk can rib McCoy for pining for a girl he left behind so many years ago, Nancy suddenly appears. To McCoy she looks exactly the same as he remembers her (which I guess would be her early thirties, if the wig says anything); to Kirk, however, she looks about forty (thank you, Touch of Grey!); and to Expendable Crewman Darnell, she looks like a blonde hooker he met on Wrigley’s Pleasure Planet (where the real flavor is, I guess). In fact, Darnell is tactless enough to vocalize that comparison out loud, only to be dismissed outside before he could mention that thing she could do with her tongue. Nancy then departs to find her husband, but isn’t three steps out the door when she sashays past Expendable Crewman Darnell. Darnell proves that he’s as in control of his genitals as he is his mouth and follows Nancy to wherever the hell she’s going.

Dr. Crater shows up shortly thereafter and is full of piss and vinegar. It seems he has taken quite a bit of umbrage at the presence Kirk and McCoy on the planet surface. In fact, he probably would’ve spent the rest of the episode complaining if Kirk hadn’t interrupted and informed him that Starfleet regulations require a routine medical examination be performed on all scientific personnel at least once a year. Having finally shut Dr. Crater up, McCoy performs his scans on the grumpy archaeologist. During the exam, McCoy and Kirk disagree over Nancy’s apparent age (and Kirk also points out her “cankles”), but Dr. Crater insists that McCoy is merely seeing Nancy differently because of being reunited with her, but assure him she’ll appear different once he’s calmed down. Midway through the examination the three men hear Nancy scream out. When they meet up with her, Nancy is standing over the body of Expendable Crewman Darnell. At first McCoy is stunned because Nancy now has the grey back in her hair, but then gets professional by proclaiming Darnell dead – with strange hickies all over his face. Nancy claims that she approached Darnell to tell him she wasn’t offended by being compared to a hooker (unlike some other women she knows), when she saw him munching on a Borgia plant – which apparently poisoned the heck out of him or something. Before Kirk and company depart, Nancy also makes sure that Dr. Crater asks for more salt tablets – for miniaturized cows or something.

Back on the Enterprise, Spock verifies that the Borgia plant is common to many planets and also highly toxic – like Velveeta. However, according to McCoy’s post-mortem, there isn’t a trace of poison in the dead man’s body, and poisoning from the Borgia plant doesn’t give you hickies, no matter how much you’ve had to drink before. Additionally, McCoy says there isn’t anything physically wrong with Darnell, other than being quite dead.

Moments later, McCoy discovers what did kill Expendable Crewman Darnell – a complete absence of salt in his system. (And unlike normal hyponatremia – sodium deficiency – which causes seizures and coma, this is space­-hyponatremia, which gives you hickies and kills you). But since Nancy and Dr. Crater mentioned that they needed salt tablets, that’s enough to arouse the suspicions of Kirk, so they beam back down with two more Expendable Crewmen.

Dr. Crater is rather uncooperative and annoyed at Kirk’s presence again, and insists that they leave. Kirk, however tells the archeologist he can stick his opinions where the Pharaohs don’t shine – an Expendable Crewman died of salt depletion and the Craters are suddenly needing salt tablets for themselves. Kirk insists that there’s some kind of nasty baddy out there and insist that Dr. & Mrs. Crater come aboard the Enterprise to take refuge. Dr. Crater makes his reluctance known by sneaking away from Kirk and McCoy, and nearly trips over the body of Expendable Crewman Sturgeon, also with hickies on his face. Meanwhile, Nancy has found Expendable Crewman Green, also dead, and takes his form. Unable to find either Dr. Crater or his missus, Kirk beams the surviving members of the landing party aboard – not knowing that Nancy has played the ol’ switcheroo on Green.

Back on the Enterprise, Kirk orders a surface scan of the planet for the two scientists, and orders McCoy to take some rest. Meanwhile, Former Expendable Crewman Green has started to follow Yeoman Rand. Rand is by now used to the kind of leering she gets from the male members of her crew (see The Enemy Within for more on that), but this is the first time one has spent more time ogling the food on her tray – specifically the salt shaker - than on her ass.

On the bridge, Spock can only find one humanoid lifeform on the planet surface, circling around as if looking for something (either that, or he’s drunk).

Yeoman rand delivers her tray to a hungry Mr. Sulu, who is slumming it in the botany lab. She pauses to admire one of the alien plant-thingies (read: guy hidden under a table wearing dishwashing gloves), when the twitchy “Green” enters in the room. “Green” doesn’t say anything, just hovers uncomfortably close to Mr. Sulu. Both Sulu and Rand try talking to “Green” (who is getting more and more twitchy as time passes) when the dishwashing-glove plant loudly freaks out, frightening “Green” and giving him cause to leave – leading Sulu and Rand to wonder just how weird you gotta be in order to freak plants out.

“Green” wanders the corridors twitching and sweating, when Lt. Uhura exits a nearby turbolift. Suddenly “Green’s” appearance shifts, this time to something more Sidney Poitier-esque. Uhura and “Crewman Poitier” have a brief exchange, and just when it looks like they are about to embrace, Uhura is suddenly called to the bridge and exits awkwardly.

McCoy can’t sleep and checks in with the bridge. Kirk, being the sound physician he is, tells the good doctor to take a couple of downers to send him off. In a nearby corridor, “Crewman Poitier” has cornered a hapless engineer’s mate and does something unspeakable to him off camera.

Mr. Spock finally concludes that there is only one person on the planet’s surface. Kirk agrees and decides to drop in on the grumpy archeologist to ask him some questions.

Wandering aimlessly, “Crewman Poitier” happens upon Dr. McCoy’s quarters and changes his appearance to “Nancy”. Dr. McCoy invites her into his quarters, relieved that she has been discovered. “Nancy” insists that McCoy follow Kirk’s advice and get some rest, and breaks out the Doctor’s stash of Quaaludes.

Sulu and Yeoman Rand get a nasty shock when they encounter the body of the unnamed engineer’s mate – his face covered in hickies. Meanwhile, “Nancy” lulls McCoy to sleep and takes his form.

On the planet’s surface, Kirk and Spock approach Dr. Crater, who has holed himself up in some ruins. The Enterprise informs Kirk that there is a new casualty on board with the same symptoms has Expendable Crewmen Darnell and Sturgeon. As if that weren’t bad enough, Spock happens upon the body of Expendable Crewman Green. Dr. Crater makes it clear that he wants to be left alone by shooting randomly with his phaser.

Meanwhile, Sulu and Uhura are coordinating a security sweep of the Enterprise. Security confirms that Expendable Crewman Green is not in his quarters, to which Sulu replies, “No duh! The Captain says he found him dead!” And Uhura and Yeoman Rand exchange stories about the creepy “Green” and “Crewman Poitier”, going “EEEWW!” afterward.

Kirk and Spock, knowing it’s on like Donkey Kong, demonstrate they can lay the better beatdown by stunning Dr. Crater’s ass, and after restraining him stun him a couple more times again while pepper spraying him. Dr. Crater finally confesses that the last inhabitant of their doomed planet killed Mrs. Crater a year ago and can take multiple forms.

After beaming back to the ship, Kirk calls for a staff meeting. Security has not been able to find the thingy, in spite of leaving salt licks as bait. “McCoy”, who is present at the meeting, suggests they leave out salt without any deception – stating that the thingy won’t be dangerous if it’s fed. Dr. Crater concurs, stating that it’s an intelligent creature and also a sole survivor. Kirk, however, will have none of this bleeding-heart, hippy crap. Because Dr. Crater can recognize the thingy even when it’s disguised, Kirk orders “McCoy” to administer “truth serum” to Dr. Crater. Spock, noticing how twitchy “McCoy” has become lately, joins him.

Kirk arrives to sickbay finding Spock there. Turns out “McCoy” conked him on the noggin and took his phaser – and then killed Dr. Crater. Fortunately, Spock’s blood is green, so the thingy couldn’t get salt from his system. (Besides, I hear Vulcans blood contains Aspartame.)

“McCoy” returns to his quarters and changes back to Nancy. Nancy rousts McCoy out of his sleep, telling him that someone is trying to kill her. McCoy agrees to help her, at least to get her to shut up, when Kirk shows up – phaser at the ready. Kirk tries telling McCoy that Nancy is some kind of salt-sucking, shape changing thingy, but McCoy won’t hear it. The two men wrestle for the phaser in Kirk’s hand and in the end McCoy winds up with it. Kirk, however, can’t get away because the thingy has used some kind of hypno-ray power on him, making him freeze. Spock then enters the room, freaking out that the thing has Kirk in its thrall. After a brief attempt of getting the phaser, Spock decides the best way to show McCoy who the real “Nancy” is – by beating the everlovin’ snot outta her. Nancy, however, was a retired member of Women Of Wrestling, and flings Spock against the wall like a ragdoll. McCoy at that point realizes that Nancy would never use a flying mare when a simple bodyslam would suffice, and warns her off of attacking Kirk. The thingy sheds it’s appearance as “Nancy”, only to look like some scaly, green, sucker-handed thing that has Tara Reid’s stomach for its face. McCoy phasers the crap out of it, though, awkwardly realizing that he was carrying a hard-on for something as hideous a Ann Coulter’s vagina.

Things to look out for:

The thingy: When it’s disguised it looks about as nervous and uncomfortable as a chess nerd in a strip club.

“Beauregard” the plant: It’s treated as a pet, but you know as well as I do that if a plant both moved and made noise, you’d kill it with fire.

What is McCoy not today? Able to let go – after ten years he’s pining away for the same chick? Definitely has some transition issues.

Does Sulu get stoned? Nope. But you have to wonder what his interest in botany really is.

And what about Spock? He seems so logical and quiet at first, but if you endanger the Captain in any way, he goes crazy-nuts and starts beating on you like an ape with sunstroke.

Love Affair (1994)

Starring: Warren Beatty, Annette Bening, Katherine Hepburn, Garry Shandling, Chloe Webb, Pierce Brosnan

First, the Lowdown: A man and a woman, who are engaged to other people, fall in love after their plane crashes. Hilarity ensues.

Mike Gambil is a former NFL-star turned burnt-out celebrity sports announcer with a penchant for philandering who is currently engaged to talk show sensation, Lynn Weaver. While on a trip to Sydney, Mike meets Terry McKay, an interior designer who is engaged to venture capitalist, Ken Allen. Mike and Terry start flirting on and off during their flight, which has to make an unexpected landing on a tropical atoll.

Fortunately, a Russian liner picks up the castaway passengers and ferries them to Hawaii via Tahiti. Unfortunately, it’s a trip that will take two days by boat. Mike and Terry continue to flirt on and off, each time getting closer and closer. The boat makes a stopover at an island that by lucky coincident also happens to be where Mike’s elderly Aunt Ginny lives. Ginny confides to Terry that she thinks Mike’s dalliances are a false façade until he meets the right one. Returning to the boat, Terry decides not to take a short plane that would get her home quicker, but instead wants to spend the remainder of the trip with Mike. On the last day, they agree to meet each other at the Empire State Building in three months.

Confession time first, I have yet to see the original Love Affair, this just came to me sooner in my movie queue. Now that’s out of the way…

Piece of advice, Hollywood, if you want to make a dramatic romance, don’t have Garry Shandling be in your first scene. I’m not saying you can’t have him in your movie, just don’t have him in the first scene. Warren Beatty is a fine actor, except when he tries playing himself – then he just comes off as a caricature of himself. This movie has not aged at all well (there’s a joke about the Ray Charles’s Diet Coke commercials in it) - and is it just me, or do a lot of movies from the mid-90’s look like they’ve been shot by Rembrandt? Everything just looks so muddled and brown. (Except the scenes in Tahiti – during those I kept expecting to see the cast from Lost.)

Beatty and Bening do have a bit of chemistry that shows on camera, but then their dialogue switches from “nervous and witty” to “leadenly romantic”. I’m thinking Beatty watched too much Lifetime network when he was writing the treatment for this, because the characters of Mike and Terry will be chatting along swimmingly, only to have the “romantic” dialogue fall embarrassingly awkward in the room – like a fart in a church.

Love Affair also marks Katherine Hepburn’s final film appearance. She’s supposed to be a witty and eccentric aunt who lives out in the tropics. But instead of her age giving her character, it makes you feel like the producers have exploited a famous old person to make a buck. Hepburn looks incredibly tired during her scene, and also a bit put off. (To make her seem “spunky” she even drops the F-bomb, but does it in such a politely embarrassed tone, it makes me wonder how much she was pressured to say it.)

Line of the movie: “The trick isn’t getting what you want, my dear, it’s wanting it after you get it.”

Two and a half stars. I work hard for the money, so you better treat me right.

My Trek of the Stars, Part 4: The Enemy Within

Guest Starring: Jim Goodwin, Edward Madden, Eddie Paskey, Garland Thompson, Don Eitner

First, the Lowdown: A transporter malfunction splits Kirk in twain, and he goes gay for himself.

On scenic Alpha 177, Kirk is overseeing the remainder of the Enterprise’s geological survey of the planet. Geological technician Fisher has an inner-ear imbalance or something and falls off an embankment, injuring his hand and covering his uniform in a weird sulphurous ore. Kirk orders Fisher to return to the ship to get treated, and tells him to make sure the plot device is ready while he’s up there. Sure enough, the transporter acts a little funky while beaming Crewman Fisher up, but Scotty and his student intern kinda shrug and don’t let it bother them. So when Kirk beams up, he wobbles off the transporter platform drunkenly - which is hardly a surprise to the chief engineer. However, as Scotty escorts Kirk to his quarters, the transporter springs to life again, this time materializing another Kirk – who we’re supposed to assume is evil by the sinister theme music and the fact that the harsh lighting makes his face look swollen.

Evil Kirk’s first priority is to seek out the good Dr. McCoy – and demand Saurian brandy from him. McCoy, being the lush he is, more than obliges Kirk, but when the doctor tries to open casual conversation with his commanding officer, Kirk repeats his order with all the savage fury of a barfly asking for a well drink. Confused, McCoy gives him the bottle of brandy, which is conveniently kept in the same cabinet as the rest of his medicinal supplies. Evil Kirk stalks out of sickbay, swigging on the bottle occasionally, and staggers into the quarters of Yeoman Rand.

Meanwhile Good Kirk has showered and changed, only to be approached by Mr. Spock. For a Vulcan incapable of emotion, he certainly has difficulty concealing his concern. Apparently, Dr. McCoy had reported Evil Kirk’s odd behavior – I mean, swilling brandy around the crewmembers is one thing, but urinating in the turbolift? Good Kirk, however, did none of this and tells Spock that the whole thing is probably just an elaborate prank. Because, y’know how much Spock likes pranks.

But before they worry too much about all of that, Scotty calls them with more bad news. A biological specimen (read: cocker spaniel with random crap stapled to it) was beamed up a few minutes ago - but then a duplicate followed. Whereas the first mutant spaniel is docile, its duplicate is a yapping beast that would tear the socks off your living body before peeing on your furniture. Scotty orders the transporter shut down until they can repair it, adding “Thank God we didn’t beam up a human through there, right? Right?” Spock, reprising his role as Mr. Downer, reminds the captain that nightfall on Alpha 177 brings an average temperature of -100º F. So, in other words, Sulu and Company on the planet surface are positively screwed. (It’s a good thing they prepared for such a contingency, going into a harsh environment like that, right?)

The Barbara Eden-like Yeoman Rand has returned to her quarters to find Evil Kirk lying in wait for her. Obviously hopped up on brandy, and possessing all of the social tact as a conventioning Shriner in the same state, Evil Kirk tries forcing himself onto the young crewwoman. Rand struggles as best as she can, and scratches Evil Kirk’s face hard enough to leave a mark. That in turn helps her break free for a brief moment to enlist in the help of Crewman Fisher, who runs to call security on the intercom. Evil Kirk, however, puts the kibosh on those plans by beating Fisher to a pulp and amscraying into the distance.

Obviously a sexual assault of this kind can’t go unnoticed, even in 1960s television, so Spock approaches Good Kirk about the incident. In the struggle, Douchebag Kirk (previously known as Evil Kirk) left behind the bottle of Saurian brandy – which correlates to McCoy’s previous encounter. However, Good Kirk’s face is undamaged (and he’s conveniently wearing a different style of uniform), so the two men go to confront Yeoman Rand about the incident to get more answers. Not moments later, though, Douchebag Kirk wanders into the now-empty quarters to lick his wounds. No really, that’s what he does: licks the skin that was abraded off from pummeling a crewman. It’s amazing he doesn’t fall off the bed trying to lick his balls while he’s at it.

Yeoman Rand is quite traumatized by the whole incident, recounting every sordid detail – however Good Kirk doesn’t have the scratches on his face that his Douchebag counterpart did. That can mean only one thing: DUN DUN DUN!!! An imposter!

Actually it’s a Jungian duplicate, but who’s counting right? Good Kirk and Spock confer with Scotty about the transporter difficulties. Scotty is confident he can repair it, but isn’t sure when that will happen - which means that it still sucks to be one of the landing party members. Spock is concerned about the Douchebag Kirk, so Good Kirk tells Spock to order search parties and make an announcement to the crew regarding the duplicate and how he can be identified. Spock, however, points out that to tell everybody that there’s a clone of the captain running around that acts like a douchebag wouldn’t exactly elevate the captain’s status with the crew. Good Kirk agrees with Spock’s logic, but is disturbed that he couldn’t remember that little fact.

So what does Wussy Kirk (formerly known as Good Kirk) do? He goes to the bridge, orders search parties, and makes an announcement to the crew! No problem there, right? Unfortunately, Douchebag Kirk hears that the scars on his face are identifying feature and uses makeup to cover it up (because good foundation and blusher are standard issue for officer grade personnel.) He also manages to clobber yet another crewmember and steals the poor lad’s phaser.

Meanwhile, Sulu makes a call up to the Enterprise to complain that he’s cold. Wussy Kirk tells him that the heating bill is high enough, so he should just put on a sweater. Security also reports that Douchebag Kirk has kayoed yet another lackey and stolen his phaser. The combination of bad news, however, makes Wussy Kirk almost cry in sullen frustration. Spock and Wussy Kirk determine that although Douchebag Kirk is, well, a douchebag, he also possesses the same knowledge as Wussy Kirk. Therefore they conclude that the perfect place to hide where there are lots of nooks and crannies to take a dump in is the engineering deck.

Spock and Wussy Kirk head down to engineering and split up (because there’s no WAY something bad would happen, right?) Meanwhile Douchebag Kirk manages to confront Wussy Kirk (who is such a wuss, he wouldn’t even draw his phaser). The two Kirks circle each other, their eyes locked, breathing heavily, as if trying to quell the burning in their hearts… Kinda got lost there, where was I? Oh yeah – Wussy Kirk tries to implore to his Douchebag counterpart not to kill him and rape his corpse, when round the corner comes Spock and gives a Vulcan neck pinch to the Douchebag. Spasming in pain, Douchebag Kirk’s sidearm fires, hitting a random conduit. Wussy Kirk and Spock shrug, figuring that since the ship is still flying, there’s nothing to worry about, right?

In sickbay, Spock makes the determination that Wussy Kirk is losing the power of decision, because it takes a Douchebag to make the kind of snap judgments required to command a starship. Wussy Kirk, being a wuss, wholeheartedly agrees – mainly because whenever he’s confronted with a decision, he acts as frustrated and insecure as a 3^rd grader with a learning disability. Scotty calls over with even more bad news – seems that some asshole went to engineering and shot out some vital circuits for the transporter, making repairs even MORE delayed. Wussy Kirk reacts by eating a container of frosting and weeping in the corner.

Sulu calls up again, passive-aggressively mentioning the cold. Kirk tells him if he’s warm enough to make jokes, he’s warm enough to wait a little longer. Scott also tells Wussy Kirk that because of the damage his Douchebag twin did, they won’t be able to fix the Transporter for about a week. (Could be sooner if, you know, you did him a favor. *wink*) If only they had some smaller form of spacecraft docked inside the Enterprise, a craft designed to shuttle people across short distances, say.

Dr. McCoy makes the determination that the duplication process has somehow weakened the life processes of both Kirks – meaning that if they don’t merge with each other (not in THAT WAY, pervs), they’ll both die. Scotty (having recently been given a sizeable “gratuity”) suddenly CAN fix the Transporter using a bunch of randomly drawn, pseudo-engineering terms the writers cooked up. He suggests testing the machine on the mutant spaniels first to make sure it works. Well, it worked all right, so much so that the two spaniels merged into one thoroughly cooked entrée (that serves 6).

In Sickbay, there is a debate over whether shock or something wrong with the Transporter killed the mutant spaniel. (Maybe it’s because they left it on the “poultry” setting?) Wussy Kirk is left the decision to either go through the transporter himself or to wait for the results of the mutant spaniel’s autopsy. Being a wuss, Wussy Kirk can’t make the decision, so he decides to do both! Armed with a phaser, Wussy Kirk tries forcing Douchebag Kirk into the transporter. Douchebag cold cocks him, though, and assumes his identity (by changing his uniform top, clever thinking that.)

Douchebag Kirk decides to live up to his name by ordering the crew to break orbit, logging the status of the soon-to-be-abandoned Sulu and company as “fucked.” As the bridge officers voice their complaints, McCoy and Wussy Kirk enter the bridge. The crew can’t tell them apart because they are both wearing the same outfit and both have scratches on their faces. But all becomes clear, as Douchebag Kirk starts screaming for control of his ship like a Teabagger at a May Day parade. Wussy Kirk finally manages to convince Douchebag Kirk to accept and explore his lifestyle, and the two walk to the Transporter room in a tight embrace.

When going through the transporter, the equation of 1 part wuss to 1 part douchebag totals out to be all Kirk. With the transporter fixed, Sulu and the research party are finally beamed up to the Enterprise, only missing a few fingers and toes due to frostbite. Everything resolved, Kirk orders the ship to break orbit, only to suddenly recall “Why didn’t we use the shuttlecraft to pick up Sulu?”

Things to look out for:

Douchebag Kirk: Apparently eyeliner and bad lighting imply “douchebag”. The more I recall what I’ve seen while nightclubbing, the more I tend to agree with that sentiment.

Wussy Kirk: Whenever Wussy Kirk is with his Douchebag counterpart, you can’t help but assume Wussy Kirk is the catcher.

What is McCoy not today? Able to stay away from the booze – if you look closely you’ll see that he has *2* bottles of brandy in his “medicine cabinet.”

Does Sulu get stoned? It’s hard to say, he winds up unconscious in the embrace of two crewmen at the end of the episode.

And what about Spock? Spock’s sole purpose in this episode seems to be to prevent the two Kirks from merging. After delivering a sermonette about being of two worlds himself, you start to wonder if Spock’s resistance to a whole Kirk is a form of Vulcan schadenfreude.