My Trek of the Stars, Part 4: The Enemy Within

Guest Starring: Jim Goodwin, Edward Madden, Eddie Paskey, Garland Thompson, Don Eitner

First, the Lowdown: A transporter malfunction splits Kirk in twain, and he goes gay for himself.

On scenic Alpha 177, Kirk is overseeing the remainder of the Enterprise’s geological survey of the planet. Geological technician Fisher has an inner-ear imbalance or something and falls off an embankment, injuring his hand and covering his uniform in a weird sulphurous ore. Kirk orders Fisher to return to the ship to get treated, and tells him to make sure the plot device is ready while he’s up there. Sure enough, the transporter acts a little funky while beaming Crewman Fisher up, but Scotty and his student intern kinda shrug and don’t let it bother them. So when Kirk beams up, he wobbles off the transporter platform drunkenly - which is hardly a surprise to the chief engineer. However, as Scotty escorts Kirk to his quarters, the transporter springs to life again, this time materializing another Kirk – who we’re supposed to assume is evil by the sinister theme music and the fact that the harsh lighting makes his face look swollen.

Evil Kirk’s first priority is to seek out the good Dr. McCoy – and demand Saurian brandy from him. McCoy, being the lush he is, more than obliges Kirk, but when the doctor tries to open casual conversation with his commanding officer, Kirk repeats his order with all the savage fury of a barfly asking for a well drink. Confused, McCoy gives him the bottle of brandy, which is conveniently kept in the same cabinet as the rest of his medicinal supplies. Evil Kirk stalks out of sickbay, swigging on the bottle occasionally, and staggers into the quarters of Yeoman Rand.

Meanwhile Good Kirk has showered and changed, only to be approached by Mr. Spock. For a Vulcan incapable of emotion, he certainly has difficulty concealing his concern. Apparently, Dr. McCoy had reported Evil Kirk’s odd behavior – I mean, swilling brandy around the crewmembers is one thing, but urinating in the turbolift? Good Kirk, however, did none of this and tells Spock that the whole thing is probably just an elaborate prank. Because, y’know how much Spock likes pranks.

But before they worry too much about all of that, Scotty calls them with more bad news. A biological specimen (read: cocker spaniel with random crap stapled to it) was beamed up a few minutes ago - but then a duplicate followed. Whereas the first mutant spaniel is docile, its duplicate is a yapping beast that would tear the socks off your living body before peeing on your furniture. Scotty orders the transporter shut down until they can repair it, adding “Thank God we didn’t beam up a human through there, right? Right?” Spock, reprising his role as Mr. Downer, reminds the captain that nightfall on Alpha 177 brings an average temperature of -100º F. So, in other words, Sulu and Company on the planet surface are positively screwed. (It’s a good thing they prepared for such a contingency, going into a harsh environment like that, right?)

The Barbara Eden-like Yeoman Rand has returned to her quarters to find Evil Kirk lying in wait for her. Obviously hopped up on brandy, and possessing all of the social tact as a conventioning Shriner in the same state, Evil Kirk tries forcing himself onto the young crewwoman. Rand struggles as best as she can, and scratches Evil Kirk’s face hard enough to leave a mark. That in turn helps her break free for a brief moment to enlist in the help of Crewman Fisher, who runs to call security on the intercom. Evil Kirk, however, puts the kibosh on those plans by beating Fisher to a pulp and amscraying into the distance.

Obviously a sexual assault of this kind can’t go unnoticed, even in 1960s television, so Spock approaches Good Kirk about the incident. In the struggle, Douchebag Kirk (previously known as Evil Kirk) left behind the bottle of Saurian brandy – which correlates to McCoy’s previous encounter. However, Good Kirk’s face is undamaged (and he’s conveniently wearing a different style of uniform), so the two men go to confront Yeoman Rand about the incident to get more answers. Not moments later, though, Douchebag Kirk wanders into the now-empty quarters to lick his wounds. No really, that’s what he does: licks the skin that was abraded off from pummeling a crewman. It’s amazing he doesn’t fall off the bed trying to lick his balls while he’s at it.

Yeoman Rand is quite traumatized by the whole incident, recounting every sordid detail – however Good Kirk doesn’t have the scratches on his face that his Douchebag counterpart did. That can mean only one thing: DUN DUN DUN!!! An imposter!

Actually it’s a Jungian duplicate, but who’s counting right? Good Kirk and Spock confer with Scotty about the transporter difficulties. Scotty is confident he can repair it, but isn’t sure when that will happen - which means that it still sucks to be one of the landing party members. Spock is concerned about the Douchebag Kirk, so Good Kirk tells Spock to order search parties and make an announcement to the crew regarding the duplicate and how he can be identified. Spock, however, points out that to tell everybody that there’s a clone of the captain running around that acts like a douchebag wouldn’t exactly elevate the captain’s status with the crew. Good Kirk agrees with Spock’s logic, but is disturbed that he couldn’t remember that little fact.

So what does Wussy Kirk (formerly known as Good Kirk) do? He goes to the bridge, orders search parties, and makes an announcement to the crew! No problem there, right? Unfortunately, Douchebag Kirk hears that the scars on his face are identifying feature and uses makeup to cover it up (because good foundation and blusher are standard issue for officer grade personnel.) He also manages to clobber yet another crewmember and steals the poor lad’s phaser.

Meanwhile, Sulu makes a call up to the Enterprise to complain that he’s cold. Wussy Kirk tells him that the heating bill is high enough, so he should just put on a sweater. Security also reports that Douchebag Kirk has kayoed yet another lackey and stolen his phaser. The combination of bad news, however, makes Wussy Kirk almost cry in sullen frustration. Spock and Wussy Kirk determine that although Douchebag Kirk is, well, a douchebag, he also possesses the same knowledge as Wussy Kirk. Therefore they conclude that the perfect place to hide where there are lots of nooks and crannies to take a dump in is the engineering deck.

Spock and Wussy Kirk head down to engineering and split up (because there’s no WAY something bad would happen, right?) Meanwhile Douchebag Kirk manages to confront Wussy Kirk (who is such a wuss, he wouldn’t even draw his phaser). The two Kirks circle each other, their eyes locked, breathing heavily, as if trying to quell the burning in their hearts… Kinda got lost there, where was I? Oh yeah – Wussy Kirk tries to implore to his Douchebag counterpart not to kill him and rape his corpse, when round the corner comes Spock and gives a Vulcan neck pinch to the Douchebag. Spasming in pain, Douchebag Kirk’s sidearm fires, hitting a random conduit. Wussy Kirk and Spock shrug, figuring that since the ship is still flying, there’s nothing to worry about, right?

In sickbay, Spock makes the determination that Wussy Kirk is losing the power of decision, because it takes a Douchebag to make the kind of snap judgments required to command a starship. Wussy Kirk, being a wuss, wholeheartedly agrees – mainly because whenever he’s confronted with a decision, he acts as frustrated and insecure as a 3^rd grader with a learning disability. Scotty calls over with even more bad news – seems that some asshole went to engineering and shot out some vital circuits for the transporter, making repairs even MORE delayed. Wussy Kirk reacts by eating a container of frosting and weeping in the corner.

Sulu calls up again, passive-aggressively mentioning the cold. Kirk tells him if he’s warm enough to make jokes, he’s warm enough to wait a little longer. Scott also tells Wussy Kirk that because of the damage his Douchebag twin did, they won’t be able to fix the Transporter for about a week. (Could be sooner if, you know, you did him a favor. *wink*) If only they had some smaller form of spacecraft docked inside the Enterprise, a craft designed to shuttle people across short distances, say.

Dr. McCoy makes the determination that the duplication process has somehow weakened the life processes of both Kirks – meaning that if they don’t merge with each other (not in THAT WAY, pervs), they’ll both die. Scotty (having recently been given a sizeable “gratuity”) suddenly CAN fix the Transporter using a bunch of randomly drawn, pseudo-engineering terms the writers cooked up. He suggests testing the machine on the mutant spaniels first to make sure it works. Well, it worked all right, so much so that the two spaniels merged into one thoroughly cooked entrée (that serves 6).

In Sickbay, there is a debate over whether shock or something wrong with the Transporter killed the mutant spaniel. (Maybe it’s because they left it on the “poultry” setting?) Wussy Kirk is left the decision to either go through the transporter himself or to wait for the results of the mutant spaniel’s autopsy. Being a wuss, Wussy Kirk can’t make the decision, so he decides to do both! Armed with a phaser, Wussy Kirk tries forcing Douchebag Kirk into the transporter. Douchebag cold cocks him, though, and assumes his identity (by changing his uniform top, clever thinking that.)

Douchebag Kirk decides to live up to his name by ordering the crew to break orbit, logging the status of the soon-to-be-abandoned Sulu and company as “fucked.” As the bridge officers voice their complaints, McCoy and Wussy Kirk enter the bridge. The crew can’t tell them apart because they are both wearing the same outfit and both have scratches on their faces. But all becomes clear, as Douchebag Kirk starts screaming for control of his ship like a Teabagger at a May Day parade. Wussy Kirk finally manages to convince Douchebag Kirk to accept and explore his lifestyle, and the two walk to the Transporter room in a tight embrace.

When going through the transporter, the equation of 1 part wuss to 1 part douchebag totals out to be all Kirk. With the transporter fixed, Sulu and the research party are finally beamed up to the Enterprise, only missing a few fingers and toes due to frostbite. Everything resolved, Kirk orders the ship to break orbit, only to suddenly recall “Why didn’t we use the shuttlecraft to pick up Sulu?”

Things to look out for:

Douchebag Kirk: Apparently eyeliner and bad lighting imply “douchebag”. The more I recall what I’ve seen while nightclubbing, the more I tend to agree with that sentiment.

Wussy Kirk: Whenever Wussy Kirk is with his Douchebag counterpart, you can’t help but assume Wussy Kirk is the catcher.

What is McCoy not today? Able to stay away from the booze – if you look closely you’ll see that he has *2* bottles of brandy in his “medicine cabinet.”

Does Sulu get stoned? It’s hard to say, he winds up unconscious in the embrace of two crewmen at the end of the episode.

And what about Spock? Spock’s sole purpose in this episode seems to be to prevent the two Kirks from merging. After delivering a sermonette about being of two worlds himself, you start to wonder if Spock’s resistance to a whole Kirk is a form of Vulcan schadenfreude.