My Trek of the Stars, Part 5: The Man Trap

Guest Starring: Jeanne Bal, Alfred Ryder, Bruce Watson, Michael Zaslow, Vince Howard, Francine Pyne

First, the Lowdown: Dr. McCoy visits an old flame, and comes back with something extra.

So, the Enterprise has been called to the planet M-113 (a planet so boring, it doesn’t have a real name) to perform a routine medical examination on the archeological team that resides there. Dr. McCoy insisted that the team show up early because an old girlfriend of his, Nancy, is now married to the chief archeologist, Dr. Crater. When McCoy, Kirk, and Expendable Crewman Darnell arrive, no one is there to greet them. But before Kirk can rib McCoy for pining for a girl he left behind so many years ago, Nancy suddenly appears. To McCoy she looks exactly the same as he remembers her (which I guess would be her early thirties, if the wig says anything); to Kirk, however, she looks about forty (thank you, Touch of Grey!); and to Expendable Crewman Darnell, she looks like a blonde hooker he met on Wrigley’s Pleasure Planet (where the real flavor is, I guess). In fact, Darnell is tactless enough to vocalize that comparison out loud, only to be dismissed outside before he could mention that thing she could do with her tongue. Nancy then departs to find her husband, but isn’t three steps out the door when she sashays past Expendable Crewman Darnell. Darnell proves that he’s as in control of his genitals as he is his mouth and follows Nancy to wherever the hell she’s going.

Dr. Crater shows up shortly thereafter and is full of piss and vinegar. It seems he has taken quite a bit of umbrage at the presence Kirk and McCoy on the planet surface. In fact, he probably would’ve spent the rest of the episode complaining if Kirk hadn’t interrupted and informed him that Starfleet regulations require a routine medical examination be performed on all scientific personnel at least once a year. Having finally shut Dr. Crater up, McCoy performs his scans on the grumpy archaeologist. During the exam, McCoy and Kirk disagree over Nancy’s apparent age (and Kirk also points out her “cankles”), but Dr. Crater insists that McCoy is merely seeing Nancy differently because of being reunited with her, but assure him she’ll appear different once he’s calmed down. Midway through the examination the three men hear Nancy scream out. When they meet up with her, Nancy is standing over the body of Expendable Crewman Darnell. At first McCoy is stunned because Nancy now has the grey back in her hair, but then gets professional by proclaiming Darnell dead – with strange hickies all over his face. Nancy claims that she approached Darnell to tell him she wasn’t offended by being compared to a hooker (unlike some other women she knows), when she saw him munching on a Borgia plant – which apparently poisoned the heck out of him or something. Before Kirk and company depart, Nancy also makes sure that Dr. Crater asks for more salt tablets – for miniaturized cows or something.

Back on the Enterprise, Spock verifies that the Borgia plant is common to many planets and also highly toxic – like Velveeta. However, according to McCoy’s post-mortem, there isn’t a trace of poison in the dead man’s body, and poisoning from the Borgia plant doesn’t give you hickies, no matter how much you’ve had to drink before. Additionally, McCoy says there isn’t anything physically wrong with Darnell, other than being quite dead.

Moments later, McCoy discovers what did kill Expendable Crewman Darnell – a complete absence of salt in his system. (And unlike normal hyponatremia – sodium deficiency – which causes seizures and coma, this is space­-hyponatremia, which gives you hickies and kills you). But since Nancy and Dr. Crater mentioned that they needed salt tablets, that’s enough to arouse the suspicions of Kirk, so they beam back down with two more Expendable Crewmen.

Dr. Crater is rather uncooperative and annoyed at Kirk’s presence again, and insists that they leave. Kirk, however tells the archeologist he can stick his opinions where the Pharaohs don’t shine – an Expendable Crewman died of salt depletion and the Craters are suddenly needing salt tablets for themselves. Kirk insists that there’s some kind of nasty baddy out there and insist that Dr. & Mrs. Crater come aboard the Enterprise to take refuge. Dr. Crater makes his reluctance known by sneaking away from Kirk and McCoy, and nearly trips over the body of Expendable Crewman Sturgeon, also with hickies on his face. Meanwhile, Nancy has found Expendable Crewman Green, also dead, and takes his form. Unable to find either Dr. Crater or his missus, Kirk beams the surviving members of the landing party aboard – not knowing that Nancy has played the ol’ switcheroo on Green.

Back on the Enterprise, Kirk orders a surface scan of the planet for the two scientists, and orders McCoy to take some rest. Meanwhile, Former Expendable Crewman Green has started to follow Yeoman Rand. Rand is by now used to the kind of leering she gets from the male members of her crew (see The Enemy Within for more on that), but this is the first time one has spent more time ogling the food on her tray – specifically the salt shaker - than on her ass.

On the bridge, Spock can only find one humanoid lifeform on the planet surface, circling around as if looking for something (either that, or he’s drunk).

Yeoman rand delivers her tray to a hungry Mr. Sulu, who is slumming it in the botany lab. She pauses to admire one of the alien plant-thingies (read: guy hidden under a table wearing dishwashing gloves), when the twitchy “Green” enters in the room. “Green” doesn’t say anything, just hovers uncomfortably close to Mr. Sulu. Both Sulu and Rand try talking to “Green” (who is getting more and more twitchy as time passes) when the dishwashing-glove plant loudly freaks out, frightening “Green” and giving him cause to leave – leading Sulu and Rand to wonder just how weird you gotta be in order to freak plants out.

“Green” wanders the corridors twitching and sweating, when Lt. Uhura exits a nearby turbolift. Suddenly “Green’s” appearance shifts, this time to something more Sidney Poitier-esque. Uhura and “Crewman Poitier” have a brief exchange, and just when it looks like they are about to embrace, Uhura is suddenly called to the bridge and exits awkwardly.

McCoy can’t sleep and checks in with the bridge. Kirk, being the sound physician he is, tells the good doctor to take a couple of downers to send him off. In a nearby corridor, “Crewman Poitier” has cornered a hapless engineer’s mate and does something unspeakable to him off camera.

Mr. Spock finally concludes that there is only one person on the planet’s surface. Kirk agrees and decides to drop in on the grumpy archeologist to ask him some questions.

Wandering aimlessly, “Crewman Poitier” happens upon Dr. McCoy’s quarters and changes his appearance to “Nancy”. Dr. McCoy invites her into his quarters, relieved that she has been discovered. “Nancy” insists that McCoy follow Kirk’s advice and get some rest, and breaks out the Doctor’s stash of Quaaludes.

Sulu and Yeoman Rand get a nasty shock when they encounter the body of the unnamed engineer’s mate – his face covered in hickies. Meanwhile, “Nancy” lulls McCoy to sleep and takes his form.

On the planet’s surface, Kirk and Spock approach Dr. Crater, who has holed himself up in some ruins. The Enterprise informs Kirk that there is a new casualty on board with the same symptoms has Expendable Crewmen Darnell and Sturgeon. As if that weren’t bad enough, Spock happens upon the body of Expendable Crewman Green. Dr. Crater makes it clear that he wants to be left alone by shooting randomly with his phaser.

Meanwhile, Sulu and Uhura are coordinating a security sweep of the Enterprise. Security confirms that Expendable Crewman Green is not in his quarters, to which Sulu replies, “No duh! The Captain says he found him dead!” And Uhura and Yeoman Rand exchange stories about the creepy “Green” and “Crewman Poitier”, going “EEEWW!” afterward.

Kirk and Spock, knowing it’s on like Donkey Kong, demonstrate they can lay the better beatdown by stunning Dr. Crater’s ass, and after restraining him stun him a couple more times again while pepper spraying him. Dr. Crater finally confesses that the last inhabitant of their doomed planet killed Mrs. Crater a year ago and can take multiple forms.

After beaming back to the ship, Kirk calls for a staff meeting. Security has not been able to find the thingy, in spite of leaving salt licks as bait. “McCoy”, who is present at the meeting, suggests they leave out salt without any deception – stating that the thingy won’t be dangerous if it’s fed. Dr. Crater concurs, stating that it’s an intelligent creature and also a sole survivor. Kirk, however, will have none of this bleeding-heart, hippy crap. Because Dr. Crater can recognize the thingy even when it’s disguised, Kirk orders “McCoy” to administer “truth serum” to Dr. Crater. Spock, noticing how twitchy “McCoy” has become lately, joins him.

Kirk arrives to sickbay finding Spock there. Turns out “McCoy” conked him on the noggin and took his phaser – and then killed Dr. Crater. Fortunately, Spock’s blood is green, so the thingy couldn’t get salt from his system. (Besides, I hear Vulcans blood contains Aspartame.)

“McCoy” returns to his quarters and changes back to Nancy. Nancy rousts McCoy out of his sleep, telling him that someone is trying to kill her. McCoy agrees to help her, at least to get her to shut up, when Kirk shows up – phaser at the ready. Kirk tries telling McCoy that Nancy is some kind of salt-sucking, shape changing thingy, but McCoy won’t hear it. The two men wrestle for the phaser in Kirk’s hand and in the end McCoy winds up with it. Kirk, however, can’t get away because the thingy has used some kind of hypno-ray power on him, making him freeze. Spock then enters the room, freaking out that the thing has Kirk in its thrall. After a brief attempt of getting the phaser, Spock decides the best way to show McCoy who the real “Nancy” is – by beating the everlovin’ snot outta her. Nancy, however, was a retired member of Women Of Wrestling, and flings Spock against the wall like a ragdoll. McCoy at that point realizes that Nancy would never use a flying mare when a simple bodyslam would suffice, and warns her off of attacking Kirk. The thingy sheds it’s appearance as “Nancy”, only to look like some scaly, green, sucker-handed thing that has Tara Reid’s stomach for its face. McCoy phasers the crap out of it, though, awkwardly realizing that he was carrying a hard-on for something as hideous a Ann Coulter’s vagina.

Things to look out for:

The thingy: When it’s disguised it looks about as nervous and uncomfortable as a chess nerd in a strip club.

“Beauregard” the plant: It’s treated as a pet, but you know as well as I do that if a plant both moved and made noise, you’d kill it with fire.

What is McCoy not today? Able to let go – after ten years he’s pining away for the same chick? Definitely has some transition issues.

Does Sulu get stoned? Nope. But you have to wonder what his interest in botany really is.

And what about Spock? He seems so logical and quiet at first, but if you endanger the Captain in any way, he goes crazy-nuts and starts beating on you like an ape with sunstroke.