My Trek Of The Stars, Part 9. What Are Little Girls Made Of?

Guest Starring: Michael Strong, Sherry Jackson, Ted Cassidy, Harry Basch, Vince Deadrick

First, the Lowdown: Kirk finds a missing scientist, who’s gone fuckshit bananas for goddamn, dirty androids.

So the Enterprise is in orbit over the planet Exo 3 (a planet so boring they couldn’t be bothered to finish its name). On the bridge is the winsome Nurse Chapel, whose fiancé had gone missing there 5 years ago. In fact, Chapel had given up a promising career in bio-research (making a tastier cancer or some such) in order to sign up with a starship and find her fiancé. (General Hospital would later use a similar plotline where a heartsick Laura signs up with the merchant marines to find her estranged Luke in the Antarctic.) Exo 3 is thought to have been inhabited once, but the temperature is “Bitch-Ass Cold” in the morning and can go as low as “Ann Coulter’s Tits in a Brass Bra”. The head of the research team, Dr. Korby, is described as the “Pasteur of archaeological medicine” (which would be like calling Steve Jobs the “Francis Galton of computer science”). Even though he is an eggheaded genius, Kirk and Spock think it’s very unlikely that Dr. Korby is still alive (or that he has all of his fingers and toes, for that matter.) Even Uhura can’t get any response on the communicator, until she turns on the coincidence filter on her control panel and Dr. Korby’s voice comes over the speaker.

Dr. Korby is overjoyed to hear that Chapel has been pining for him all these years, but insists that only Kirk and Chapel come down to the planet because there is a AMAZING DISCOVERY that would require a major decision on the part of Kirk. Kirk sees nothing all suspicious of Korby’s request and beams on down.

According to the stock footage, Exo 3’s weather is “The Land of Dairy Queen”, but Kirk and Chapel materialize in the waiting area for the Matterhorn Ride at Disneyland. Not wanting to wait without entertainment, Kirk orders two security men to beam down. Kirk orders Redshirt One to stand guard while Redshirt Two accompanies them down the passageway.

After walking through the Cavern of Penises (not joking), they are greeted by Dr. Brown, Korby’s assistant, who is as lively as a pile of hair clippings. But just then, Redshirt Two plummets to his death in a chasm Chapel avoided falling into earlier. Brown transmits, I mean, tells Kirk that Redshirt Two must’ve slipped and fallen (because a good pratfall is a requirement for safety and security aboard the Enterprise.) However, Lurch in a Housecoat makes a hasty exit while everyone else is looking all agape at the chasm. Brown’s attitude at the man’s death is about as clinical and detached-sounding as Stephen Hawking’s voicebox. Chapel is confused that Brown doesn’t recognize her, but after a couple seconds of searching his hard drive, I mean scanning his memory, I mean thinking back on the past, Brown suddenly recognizes her. Kirk is suspicious at Brown’s emotionally blasé manner, but Chapel tells him, “Hey, if you were stuck on a planet for 5 years with no chicks and no beer, you’d be weird too.” Kirk calls up to Redshirt One to report on Redshirt Two’s death and tells him to report to the ship to bring reinforcements. But before Redshirt One can do anything, Lurch in a Housecoat pummels the poor man to death.

Brown explains that as the sun that Exo 3 orbits dimmed, its inhabitants retreated underground. He further lectures about how Dr. Korby theorized that it was the human species freedom of movement that helped our culture become innovative. Exo 3’s people seemed to have proven that theory, because when they moved underground they became stagnant, almost robotic.

They are lead into a common room that looks like your parent’s basement (minus the pool table) and are greeted by Andrea. (It’s pronounced AHN-drea, not ANN-drea.) Chapel takes a moment to make a catty comment, when Korby walks into the room. And when the affianced couple lock eyes, the music swells, birds start singing, blah, blah, blah. But when Kirk tries to make a report to the Enterprise, the fun gets sucked out of the room. Brown orders Kirk to put away his communicator, and to make sure he’s clear, he points his phaser at him. Korby tries to explain that his AMAZING DISCOVERY is so important; he cannot risk having more people from the Enterprise know about it. Kirk manages to gain the upper hand and shoots the hell out of Brown, but then Lurch in a Housecoat appears and disarms the Captain. Chapel looks at the fallen Brown and screams in horror – because the man was a goddamned, dirty robot all this time. (I guese the future holds a upswing back to using vacuum tubes, because that’s what comes leaking out of Brown’s wound.)

Back on the Enterprise, Kirk transmits his status report to Spock – but what’s really happening is Lurch in a Housecoat is talking on the other end in Kirk’s voice! Korby further demonstrates Lurch in a Housecoat’s talents by having him impersonate everyone else’s voice. But when he copies Chapel’s tone of voice, Korby becomes angry and orders Lurch in a Housecoat to never make fun of her and to obey her orders. Korby finally gets down to the point of all this deception. The society of Exo 3 has made such an AMAZING DISCOVERY that Korby fears that the whole find will be fed into a bureaucratic sausage mill before any significant analysis will occur. (And considering how much henpecking flak scientists give other scientists, I think some of his fears are pretty valid.) Kirk tries to make a last minute escape, but Lurch in a Housecoat snaps him up and tosses him aside like a defunct Stretch Armstrong.

Later, Chapel has a conversation with Andrea about female stuff when Kirk is drug into the room with Korby. Andrea reveals herself to be another goddamned, dirty robot – leading Dr. Korby to marvel at the precision at which she was created. Andrea appears to be completely human, right down to skin coloration, body heat, etc. Chapel, however, finds it interesting that Korby’s choice for a demonstration model looks like a Vegas showgirl. (Ha-hah! Fully functional.) Korby dismisses her suspicions by saying that as an Android, Andrea is incapable of love, she only does she’s programmed to do. (I mean, ladies, you don’t get jealous at the socks on your boyfriend’s floor, do you?) To prove his point he orders Andrea to kiss Kirk, and then orders her to slap him. (It’s a good think he didn’t say “ Now do that thing with your tongue.”) Kirk, however, is more concerned that if the androids only do what they’re told, then why did Brown threaten him earlier, and why did Lurch in a Housecoat kill the two Redshirts?

To answer Kirk’s question he’s stripped naked and put on a Micro-Go-Round. Lurch in a Housecoat loads a snot mannequin onto the opposite side. Making an android requires a lot of spinning and turning dials at random. Chapel implores to Korby about the moral and ethical boo-boos he’s calling, but it’s all for nothing as Kirk finds himself lying next to his fabulous self. Not quite finished, Korby prepares to copy Kirk’s neural patterns into the duplicate – but Kirk starts spouting a hateful platitude about Mr. Spock as the copy is made.

Later, Chapel and Kirk gather in the common room for lunch. Kirk asks Chapel about how she feels about what has happened in the last few minutes. The nurse admits to being concerned abot Korby’s actions, but insists the man isn’t crazy (and that bruise she had earlier? The door.) Kirk then asks Chapel if she is capable of betraying her fiance, and of course she isn’t. When the nurse notices that Kirk hasn’t eaten anything, he replies that it’s because he’s a goddamned, dirty, robot! Korby, Lurch in a Housecoat, and the real Kirk enter. Kirk tries debating not-Kirk to a battle of wits, and not-Kirk has all of the real Kirk’s memories and quirks. Korby remarks that Kirk’s debate with his duplicate is akin to “trying to outthing a calculating machine. A calculator, if you will.” He then dismisses not-Kirk to carry out his programming. Korby further explains that with the proper materials he could transfer a person’s consciousness into an android form, making it nearly immortal. Furthermore, because androids can be programmed, he can take out all of those undesirable elements of an individual and replace them with new programming (like Scientology.) Kirk, however, has heard enough and takes advantage of the shoddy condition of the basement furniture by pulling a cord out of his chair in order to garrote Korby. In the confusion, Kirk escapes to the Cavern of Penises to hide, but Lurch in a Housecoat follows though and quickly catches up with him.

Back on the Enterprise, not-Kirk has made it all the way to the real Kirk’s quarters, but not without attracting the attention of Spock. When the first officer inquires as to captain’s plans, not-Kirk says, “Yeah, whatever, sugartits,” and leaves with the command packet kept in Kirk’s safe. Spock then orders another landing party assembled after not-Kirk beams back down on the planet surface.

Having returned, not-Kirk presents Korby with his order packet. Korby wants to take the android-making technology to someplace small, where he will create enough goddamned, dirty robots that they show up as an option on the Census poll. The real Kirk, meanwhile, is in confinement. When Andrea comes to retrieve his meal tray, the captain forces himself on the fembot, making her retreat uncomfortably. Then Lurch in a Housecoat appears in order to give some backstory. Unlike Andrea and Brown, Lurch in a Housecoat was created by what he calls the “Old Ones” (what they called The Golden Girls in Europe). Because of some kind of android Alzheimer’s, Lurch in a Housecoat had forgotten that his robot brethren had risen up and destroyed their creators, who were panicking at how indestructible they were. Just as Lurch in a Housecoat makes the epiphany that he has to kill Korby, the scientist appears! But before Lurch in a Housecoat can rip Korby’s arms out of his sockets, Korby takes out a phaser and disintegrates the android.

Korby leads Chapel and Kirk at gunpoint back to the common room, but Kirk takes advantage of a doorway and slams the other man’s hand in it. Korby breaks free, still holding the phaser. However, his hand got wounded in the scuffle, revealing to everyone that he is another goddamned, dirty robot! During his expedition, Korby became too wounded to continue, and had his memory transferred to an android. Before he can go into yet another telling of “I Can Explain”, an alarm sounds. Having received the real Kirk’s “message”, he has arrived with a security detail in tow. Korby orders Andrea to find a weapon and kill whoever has entered. Well, the first person she encounters is not-Kirk, who she tries to kiss. The android duplicate doesn’t see the logic in snogging and brushes her off, but hell hath no fury like a fembot scorned – Andrea disintegrates not-Kirk.

Meanwhile, Korby is still trying to convince Chapel and Kirk that he’s the same ol’ guy, just made out of non-conductive green board and that silicon stuff they make Real Dolls out of. But the more he talks, the more Korby starts failing his Turing test. When Andrea enters the room, however, she realizes that he took out the wrong Kirk, making her very confused. The real Kirk asks Korby to give him the phaser he’s carrying before he kernel panics. The goddamned, dirty robot concedes, but when Kirk tries the same maneuver on Andrea, her compiler spits out a GPF and she starts expressing her love for Korby. Korby, having seen the abomination he has turned into, embraces the forlorn fembot and uses her phaser to disintegrate them both. Conveniently, Mr. Spock arrives with security in tow.

Back on the Enterprise, Chapel informs Kirk of her decision to remain on the ship, while Spock expresses his concern about the type of epithet Kirk used to convey his message (he responds better to “nectar-nipples”, you see).

Things to look out for:

The Cavern of Penises: Remember folks – stalactites stay tight to the roof, whereas you might stub your toe on a stalagmite. Whatever the case, the place looks like a Cave of Wonders for a size queen.

Lurch in a Housecoat: Played by Ted Cassidy (what, you thought I was joking about the Lurch part?), everytime he appears you expect to see him in hair rollers and fuzzy slippers.

What is McCoy not today? In the episode. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Does Sulu get stoned? He’s not in the episode either, so it would explain the funny smell coming out of the Jeffries tube. Come to think of it McCoy’s not present either. I guess they do have medical marijuana in the future!