My Trek of the Stars, Part 10: Dagger of the Mind

Guest Starring: James Gregory, Morgan Woodward, Marianna Hill, Susanne Wasson, John Arndt

First, the Lowdown: A crazy-nuts inmate leads the Enterprise to a penal colony run by a greasy televangelist.

So the Enterprise is dropping off some supplies at the penal colony, Tantalus V. (The supplies being “infra-sensory drugs”, whatever that means.) But when the transporter crew tries to beam down the tubes and boxes labeled with random scientific babble on them nothing happens. Kirk strolls in and casually mentions that in order to beam down anything to a high security prison planet you have to message them first in order to get them to turn off their security screen. After straightening everything out with the colony, the supplies get zapped safely, and a new box gets beamed up. The box is filled with research materials bound for the Bureau of Penology (huh-huh, “penology”) in Stockholm – where the bestest prisons are. I guess the people on Tantalus V missed the memo on going “paperless”, all the records were probably printed on a dot-matrix too. Kirk tells the transporter engineer that security protocol is in the junior officer’s job description, so either he reads up on them or they replace him with a trained mandrill. He then leaves, chuckling at what an imbelice the man was. Our transporter chief exits too, probably to hit himself repeatedly for being so stupid, leaving only a lowly engineering intern to mind the transporter. While the intern is busy looking at unlabeled control panels, the box opens up and a crazy-eyed psycho crawls out! (Like that’s a surprise. “Research materials” my arse; you only need a box that big to hide a stripper or your grow op in it.) The Crazy-Eyed Psycho cold-cocks the poor intern and paces the room, unsure of what to do next.

Not realizing what has happened, the Enterprise leaves orbit to take a leisurely stroll (that may include a trip to McDonald’s if the kids behave themselves.) Kirk and McCoy debate on the merits of incarceration – the director of the Tantalus colony, Dr. Adams, has revolutionized the rehabilitation process, kinda like Dr. Phil. Kirk tells the ship’s surgeon that the prison systems are more like holiday camps now, whereas McCoy points out that he’s never been sexually assaulted at a holiday camp- oh, wait. An incoming message from the Tantalus colony warns the Enterprise that one of their inmates has escaped, probably in that box of crap they beamed up. (“There were baggies everywhere, man. Do you know how long it takes that shit to grow?”) Sure enough, our Crazy-Eyed Psycho has now stolen the poor cold-cocked intern’s uniform – so it’s like that one time an on-call “massage therapist” handcuffed you naked in a Motel 6 and then stole your wallet and car. (Or am I the only one who that has happened to here?) Our Crazy-Eyed Psycho stalks through the corridors of the Enterprise, desperately trying not to look conspicuous – which would be easier to achieve if he didn’t look like Amanda Plummer on amphetamines.

Kirk, not liking the idea of an unknown Crazy-Eyed Psycho on his ship (he prefers to be introduced first) orders a security alert. Immediately after the alert status is declared the Crazy-Eyed Psycho is spotted by a crewman (maybe the Crazy-Eyed Psycho should’ve curtailed his compulsive masturbating until he could find some privacy). When security is summoned to the area Mr. Crazypants has been spotted, he sneaks up behind a lanky redshirt, puts the sleeper on him and takes his phaser. Kirk confirms with the Tantalus colony that their missing inmate is on board the ship, and that he has enough problems as it is. Dr. Adams advises the captain that the missing convict is highly agitated and prone to violence (“Oh yeah, and he can’t stop masturbating for some reason”).

A security officer shows up to survey the bridge and is instantly judo-chopped by the Crazy-Eyed Psycho (I guess Enterprise security is on par with your local mall). Crazy-Eyed Psycho identifies himself as Van Gelder, nearly herniating himself in the process. He demands asylum from Kirk, who responds by having Mr. Spock break out his Bedtime for Bonzo neck pinch. Kirk then orders Mr. Psycho Van Gelder to sickbay and then tells the helm to return back to Tantalus so they can get some answers.

McCoy examines the waylaid psycho in sickbay – Van Gelder’s physical responses are like a meth addict on a Tilt-a-Whirl, but there’s no brain damage and no psychological symptoms either - it also took more tranquilizers to placate the man than what you’d find in your average Rolling Stones backstage party. Van Gelder also keeps trying to talk about something, but then shits himself into silence before he can finish.

On the bridge, Spock reports that ship’s records show Van Gelder was assigned to the Tantalus colony to assist Dr. Adams. Kirk calls down to Adams to report on Van Gelder’s condition, Adams then informs the captain that Van Gelder had injured himself while experimenting on a rehabilitative device – the device malfunctioned and transmogrified him into a Crazy-Eyed Psycho. McCoy however disagrees with Adams’s explanation, but he only has a vague reason why. Kirk again restates that they now live in the future, where going to prison is like Christmas every day, but the doctor states that any reasonable doubt he states must be followed up on, so there. Kirk reluctantly agrees to investigate the matter and orders the doctor to find a suitable assistant to accompany him (“Make sure she has nice hooters this time”).

In the transporter room, Kirk arrives to find the assistant McCoy had assigned him – Dr. Helen Noel. Our captain has to stifle his embarrassment, though – it seems a drunken Kirk stumbled into the science department’s Christmas party, but was too sauced to follow through on his lecherous antics.

They beam down near the front door for prison colony – a door that leads to a Tower of Terror-like elevator which plummets them down toward the mantle of the planet. Dr. Adams greets the landing party and introduces them to Lethe, a former inmate that is now a therapist at the colony. Lethe stares at them blankly and mechanically tells everyone that she loves her work. Kirk asks the former inmate why she was originally sent to the colony, Lethe says that it doesn’t matter because she was a different person then – she’s much better now.

Adams escorts Noel and Kirk on a tour of the colony, where everyone is smiling and looks perfectly content in the garish space kaftans they’re wearing. Kirk notices a side room that Adams tries to dismiss as an experimental device gone wrong, but there’s nothing to see there, nothing at all! The captain insists on investigating the room, which Adams begrudgingly obliges him.

Up in the Enterprise’s sickbay, Van Gelder is ranting like a homeless guy hungover from sniffing too much glue. He warns McCoy and Spock of a device called a “Neural Neutralizer”, but can only describe it using badly delivered coffee house poetry. Van Gelder’s rants then quickly devolve into apish grunts, so McCoy gives him a Valium shooter with a Thorazine chaser.

Whaddya know? It turns out the room Adams was so insistent the captain not go into houses a Neural Neutralizer. The device is designed to neutralize brain activity to calm the patient, which explains why the current patient’s bowels have loosened. It also is simple to use: the control panel only has an on/off switch and a power knob (yeah, yeah – it goes to “11” *eyeroll*). Adams informs Kirk that Van Gelder was injured by the Neural Neutralizer – well, that’s what you get when you try a stupid stunt without someone to witness it. When Adams, Kirk, and Noel depart, the operator in the booth takes over and cranks the power up to “Led Zeppelin Concert,” while telling the hapless inmate inside the device that he will remember nothing that has occurred – to do so will cause tremendous pain (and make him want to start masturbating).

Kirk reports back up to Spock, who is assisting McCoy in Sickbay – and possibly hoping to score a bit off of McCoy’s hypo. The captain explains to Kirk that it was Van Gelder’s fooling around with the Neural Neutralizer that caused his injury (why is it whenever one person invents something, someone else wants to stick their dick in it?). Spock responds that Van Gelder keeps telling them the captain is in danger (and something else about the Rosicrucians being linked to the Kennedy assassination). Dr. Noel disputes that claim – she’s come to the conclusion that Van Gelder is a Crazy-Eyed Psycho who should be drugged until he’s drooling. Kirk informs Spock and McCoy that he plans to spend the night at the facility in order to continue his investigation (and find out what the colony’s bar scene is like). Van Gelder chooses that moment to wake up raving and screaming – mostly about Kirk’s safety, but also throwing in a few complaints about his arm restraints preventing him from masturbating. Spock is fed up with Van Gelder’s tirades and decides to hack into the man’s brain using the Vulcan mind meld.

Back at Tantalus, Kirk drops in on Noel in her quarters – but before the medical advisor can rebuff his advances, he explains that he wants another look at the Neural Neutralizer. The prisoners they were introduced to all seemed happy and well-adjusted, but they were about as lively as a crate of mannequin parts. Dr. Noel reluctantly agrees to help Kirk look at the device again, silently containing her resentment at being pushed around by a man.

In sickbay, Spock has achieved perfect simpatico with Van Gelder (“I would remove the suggestion, Doctor, but we need the eggs”). Van Gelder reveals that Dr. Adams used the Neural Neutralizer to brainwash the inmates and when Van Gelder complained, he found himself in the evil chair staring at the magic light.

So, in the Neural Neutralizer control room, Kirk asks Noel to operate the device while he sits in the evil chair. Noel turns the machine on briefly at its lowest setting, which does nothing except make Kirk forget that she turned it on (pretty standard for Kirk, really). Kirk tells Noel to make a minor suggestion, so she turns it back on and tells him he’s hungry. After Kirk confesses a sudden craving for Cheetos (or maybe some Taco Bell, man), Noel tells him she implanted that thought in his mind. Still not convinced that the device is evil (but getting there), Kirk tells Noel to suggest something specific that only the two of them would know about. So the young doctor recounts the Christmas party, only this time Kirk had long flowing tresses and one of those billowy pirate shirts. But before Noel can continue her Harlequin Romance, Dr. Adams steps in and takes over. After setting the Neural Neutralizer to “The Who at Wembley Stadium”, Adams tells Kirk that he is intensely in love with Noel – that to be away from her causes intense pain and longing (kinda like how I feel about Christina Hendricks). Adams then commands Kirk to drop his phaser and communicator, turning the volume up to “Maxell Commercial”.

Kirk wakes up with Noel back in his quarters and starts laying on platitudes toward the female doctor. But before Noel can say “I’m just not into you,” Kirk snaps out of his twitterpation with her and notices a convenient air duct. He shoves Noel into the vent and tells her to work her way to the power room to shut off the security field. Moments later Adams’s assistants drag him back to the Neutralizer for round two. Back at the controls, Adams implants more suggestions into Kirk’s mind to make him more pliable (booze works much better). Lethe appears and reports that Noel is missing from her quarters, so Adams turns the Neutralizer all the way up to “Krakatoa” and insists that Kirk reveal her location otherwise he’s going to turn the captain into a Crazy-Eyed Psycho that compulsively masturbates.

Meanwhile, Noel has made her way to the Tantalus colony’s boiler room and conveniently finds the circuit breaker for the security field. At the same time, Spock is trying to find some way of hacking past the field so he can beam down, forgetting that we already established you can’t do that. While fidgeting with fuse box, Noel finds a big damn switch and pulls it shut, only to be attacked by one of the prison security guards. The interruption in power is enough to turn off the Neutralizer and gives Kirk an opportunity to kayo Adams and his assistant.

Down in the boiler room, Noel gets the better of her assailant by kicking him into the voltage box, causing the lowly guard to get blackened like Daffy Duck after getting shot in the face. (Don’t worry; I’m sure he’ll be okay once they fade out and in again.) Having a man connect a fuse panel with his face caused the force field to weaken in the area around the boiler room, allowing Spock to beam himself down. Noel, meanwhile, absconds with the fallen guard’s phaser and crawls back into the air duct. Moments later, though, Spock appears, finds the conveniently labeled security screen controls, shuts them off, and notifies Enterprise security to beam down. Before he exits, he notices that the big damn power switch is turned off, so he flips it back on again. With the power back on, Dr. Adams finds himself on the wrong end of the Neural Neutralizer, which becomes louder and more evil with each passing second.

Noel returns back to Kirk’s quarters to report on shutting the field off, to which Kirk begins hitting on her with all the tact of Bob Packwood. Quicker than you can say “coitus interruptus” Spock appears with security in tow. Kirk suddenly remembers that he left Adams back in the Neutralizer room – funny how whenever Kirk sees a pair of breasts, he loses his short-term memory. The Enterprise crewmembers rush to the treatment room and switch the machine off – and discover the dead body of Dr. Adams (irony!). The machine wasn’t set high enough to kill, but without a twisted doctor to implant thoughts into your brain you die. (“Okay, I’ll buy that, Jim. But why are his hands down his pants?”)

Having returned back to the bridge, Kirk is given the message that Van Gelder has dismantled the Neural Neutralizer preventing anyone from using it. (Let’s hope he used it to undo the damage Adams had done to him, otherwise things will be awkward at the next staff meeting.) McCoy ponders on the ethics of such a machine, to which Kirk responds by telling him not to knock it until he’s tried it. (And once more fights the urge to unzip his fly and start masturbating.)

Things to look out for:

Dr. Adams – Everything about this guy is greasy. If my psychiatrist looked like him, I’d start considering Scientology.

Van Gelder – Every time he appears on screen you expect him to suddenly grow hair and fangs and start howling at the moon.

The Neural Neutralizer – Take the creepiest elements of a recording studio, a dentist’s chair, and the Newlywed Game’s soundproof booth.

What is McCoy not today? Complaining that he’s not something.

And what about Spock? Seeing him perform the mind meld in this episode is like watching someone get their aura “aligned” by a “chakra healer”.