My Trek of the Stars, Part 13: The Galileo Seven

Guest Starring: Don Marshall, John Crawford, Peter Marko, Phyllis Douglas, Reese Vaughn, Grant Woods

First, the Lowdown: Spock, Scotty, and McCoy reenact Gilligan’s Island.

Welcome to Murasaki 312, the plot-convenience nebula. While en route to Makus III, the Enterprise stumbled across the anomaly and, since the future is filled with science, has stopped its important mission to deliver medical supplies to investigate it. Accompanying them on their journey is Galactic High Commissioner Ferris – who is as big a self-important douchebag as his overlong title implies. Ferris is annoyed by the detour, however, since the medicine is needed to stop a plague and the Enterprise has already had to turn back twice because Kirk was sure he left something turned on at the last starbase. But Starfleet has regulations requiring all phenomena like Murasaki 312 be investigated – because you can’t plot a course around something as large as a “quasar-like entity,” you have to smash on through it. To take readings of the phenomena, Spock, Dr. McCoy, Scotty, and several faceless crewmen head off in a shuttlecraft. No sooner has the shuttle been launched when it gets sucked into the Murasaki nebula (which presumably made “NOM NOM NOM” like noises when it did so.) Because of the nebula’s “ionizing” effect on the Enterprise’s instruments, Kirk is unable to track the shuttlecraft. (Maybe they should’ve used their powerful, massive starship to scan the nebula instead of a tiny, flimsy dinghy.)

Ferris is now pissed and berates Kirk for stopping off at every damn thing he sees (“For crying out loud, if you’ve seen one factory outlet mall, you’ve seen all of them!”) Fortunately, Murasaki 312 lives up to its epithet and conveniently has a planet in the dead center capable of sustaining life: Taurus II. With only 2 days to investigate, Kirk shambles forward.

On the planet’s surface, the Galileo has crash landed. All aboard are merely bumped and bruised (surprisingly so, since there are no seat belts in the 23^rd century.) Spock is pessimistic about their chances of survival because, if their own instrument failure is any indication, the Enterprise will be trying to locate them visually (the technology behind Google Earth must have been lost by then.)

Sure enough, the Enterprise’s sensors are all kaput; and when they test the transporter with a basic sample, it came back inside out. (“Kinda like how I left your mom last night. Ba-BING!”) Ferris is beside himself with anger and tells Kirk that once the 2 day period of investigation is over, he’ll pull rank on the captain. (“Like what I did with your mom last night. ZING!”)

On the planet surface, McCoy discusses Spock’s temporary command position – Spock feels a command based on logic is the most efficient, as opposed to one motivated by booze and blowjobs. Scotty has bad news, in the crash they’ve lost so much fuel that the only way they can achieve orbit is if they shed 500lbs of weight – equal to three grown men (hint, hint.) Spock determines that the shuttle will need nearly all of its equipment to function, so three people may need to be left behnd (“In order of chunkiest, of course.”) Lt. Boma, obviously, has a problem with this – he’s managed to keep his addiction to transfats hidden, but only just – and suggests they draw lots. But Spock doesn’t like that option because it’s as irrational as shooting the driver when the car gets a flat.

Elsewhere, Lietnants Latimer and Gaetano are reconnoitering around some rocky crags when they start hearing guys with party twirlers coming from all directions. The two men decide to make a hasty retreat and start hoofing it back to camp. But the fog becomes pea-soup like, slowing them down. After reaching the apex of a hill, Latimer is skewered in the back with a comically oversized spear. The clicking sounds from before came from the local natives, also comically oversized, and they aren’t kindering much to their micronian visitors. Gaetano, however, demonstrates to the filthy natives that you don’t bring a spear to a gunfight and drives the brutes back. Spock and Boma, drawn by Latimer’s girlish screams of pain, quickly join up with Gaetano and ask for a report. Gaetano tells them about the giant, protohuman thingies he shot at (“You remember the guy who played Jaws in the Bond movies? Like that.”) Spock checks out the area they attacked from and examines the weapon used to kill Latimer, noting its similarity to an Earth fossil (“Only comically oversized in this case.”) Boma and Gaetano are appalled by Spock’s failure to remark on Latimer’s death, at which Spock tells them that crying like whiny bitches about the death of their colleague will not bring him back to life. Annoyed at their superior officer’s indifference to the matter at hand, Boma and Gaetano drag Latimer’s corpse back to the landing site, muttering and cursing about Spock all the way.

Back on the Enterprise, the bridge crew recap the situation to anyone who just tuned in: the sensors are crap, the transporter is crap, and all the rescue shuttle has found is crap, crap, and more crap. Ferris explains again that he doesn’t wanna sound like a douchebag, but there’s only 24 hours left to search. Kirk orders the rescue shuttle to broaden its search – thus increasing the amount of search time available, but also increasing the margin of error.

The Galileo, however, is having it’s own problems: the repairs on the fuel line are held together with bubblegum and sheer magic; and try as they might to shed excess weight, they’re still over. Spock revisits the notion of leaving a man behind, again drawing the ire of the irrational humans around him. Boma informs Spock that they are ready for memorial services for Latimer, to which Spock replies that repairs on the shuttle kinda takr priority, but if the lieutenant wants to weep over him like a 12 year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert, he’s welcome to do so. And once again, the humans in the room bristle at Spock’s lack of sentimentality (because everyone KNOWS the first thing survivors of any crash need are hugs.)

Minutes later, the jerry-rigged fuel lines go completely fubar and the remaining shuttlecraft drizzles out of it. On the plus side, Spock doesn’t have to worry about arguing over who gets to be left behind – but it now means they are ALL screwed. But the natives are getting restless out there, and the human crewmembers want vengeance. While Spock does agree that they must be proactive in driving off the mega-cavemen out there, he doesn’t believe they need to kill in order to do so. (This makes Boma and Gaetano start questioning their commanding officer’s masculinity.) The three men venture out to confront the nasty natives, one of whom throws it’s comically oversized spear and shield at them. Spock has Boma and Gaetano shoot in random directions to drive barbarians off – and then snidely remarks the didn’t have to kill anyone for the plan to work, so there.

Scotty has good news and bad news – the good news is: he can convert their engines to using a different fuel source; the bad news is: the alternative fuel source is their phasers. (So, it’s like that time at Burning Man when you figured out how to get your art car to run on vodka.) Furthermore, there’s only so much fuel they’ll be able to squeeze out out their handguns, which means they won’t stay in orbit for very long. Spock points out that he’d rather burn up on reentry than have his genitals cut off in a savage, backward, native ritual, and orders everyone to give up their phaser.

Luckily, the Enterprise transporters have been repaired, and now Kirk can order even more people to their inevitable death.

Meanwhile, Gaetano’s assignment as forward guard has become more hectic, as he is assaultled by a barrage of Styrofoam rocks and comically oversized spears. The man quickly panicks and gives one of the macro-barbarians ample time to rush him. Moments later, Spock, McCoy, and Boma arrive to find enormous footprints, Gaetano’s phaser, and no lieutenant. Spock surmises that Gaetano is probably roasting on a spit and they need to redouble their efforts to get off the planet, once again annoying the humans. However, Spock expresses a certain curiosity regarding Gaetano’s whereabouts, and ventures further into the wilderness. Sure enough, he finds the man’s discarded body and starts carrying it back to the shuttle. Spock isn’t more than a few yards away when the mega-neanderthals start throwing their comically oversized spears at him.

Back in the safe confines of the Galileo, Spock is immediately criticized for the savages’ angry return – if it weren’t for his peaceniky “no killing” policy, they could have scared away the natives by putting their comrades’ heads on a spike. And sure enough, the now-emboldened brutes have begun to take potshots at the shuttle itself. Spock finds himself in a quandary – the more he tries to logically act on the situation, the more it starts pissing people off.

And once again, the bridge crew of the Enterprise reminds us that their search efforts have been for naught, and Commissioner Ferris is a pedantic ass.

The Galileo is still under assault, however, when Spock has brainstorm and orders Scotty to electrify the shuttle’s exterior. The barbarian, having received a faceful of zortch, halts his attack on the miniscule crewmen and retreats. Inside the shuttle, Spock wants to dispose of Gaetano’s body to lighten their load, but Boma insists on giving it a proper burial (because that’s what you do when you have little time, care for the dead.) Spock points out the obvious hazards of meticulously interning a corpse when there are super-sized aborigines out there that are just waiting to stave in their skulls. However, he lets Boma do it anyway, provided the natives don’t decide to play lawn darts out there.

The Enterprise landing parties have reported back aboard ship and confirmed the existence of the mega-barbarians to the ship’s captain. And what’s more, Kirk has run out of time and must abandon search! (Typical military procedure though – send an ill-prepared team to a remote location, then abandon them when it’s too much trouble to perform a rescue.) Soon the search parties are regathered and Kirk, resentful that he has to now save a planet instead of a bunch of crewmen, orders the ship to proceed on course at slouching speed.

On the planet, no sooner is Gaetano’s body buried, then the mega-barbarians return to do their impression of the Zulu uprising. The men return from the ship and blast off, but sacrifice their fuel reserve (that would guarantee a soft landing after one orbit.) Now aloft, the mission party tell Spock that his logic and fancy book-learnin’ count for diddly squat and that he’s gonna die like Bobby Fisher – ostracized and alone. Frustrated and still unable to contact the Enterprise, Spock dumps the stored fuel so it will ignite behind them, making a fiery trail. Conveniently, the Enterprise happened to be looking over its shoulder just then and turns around to pick them up before they enter the planet’s atmosphere. Things return to normal soon enough, though; Spock is back on the bridge – and Kirk has resumed belittling the man for his intellect and awkward social skills.

Things to look for in this episode:

Lt. Boma: For a trained professional, Boma seems rather fixated on death - his obsession with burying the slain (at risk to his own safety) borders almost on neurotic.

The Mission: Perfect example of military bureaucracy: let’s put one of our starships on an important mission, but tell him to survey a spatial anomaly first. Oh yeah, and tell them they can’t just scan it with their big ship sensors either, they gotta use a shuttle to map it all. I’m pretty sure Kirk slept with the wrong commodore’s mistress to get such a peach of an assignment.

Commisioner Ferris: He stands around smug and contrarian, like a Republican. The more hopeless the situation gets, the more he gloats. And when he calls off the search, Ferris looks like he’s gonna slap his dick across Kirk’s face.

What is McCoy not today? Able to respect command authority without arguing.

And what about Spock? Spock is like Mr. Pink in Reservoir Dogs: the only fuckin’ professional. He seems to be the only person concerned with survival out of the whole group – whereas the whiny humans keep complaining about their feelings (Christ, it’s like being in the car when your grandma gets a flat tire.) And it doesn’t matter how appropriate Spock’s actions are, he’s still treated like a white guy in a Tyler Perry movie.