"Scanners" (1981)

Starring: Stephen Lack, Patrick McGoohan, Michael Ironside, Jennifer O’Neill, Robert Silverman.

First, the Lowdown: Psychics run amok and Smucker’s-filled action ensues.

In theme with the movie, I know what you’re thinking. Either it’s A: “It’s about time he got to this flick.” Or B: “I ordered a cheeseburger.” Our story begins with lonely hobo, Cameron, who has been burdened with the ability to hear peoples’ thoughts and see into their minds. Now while mind-reading does indeed sound like a cool ability to possess, think about it this way: Analyze what you think about as you walk, as you work, as you sit on your ass and channel surf. Unless you’re God, your thoughts are bound to be pretty fucking boring. Now imagine what it would be like to listen to that EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE FROM EVERYONE AROUND YOU. It would be like being stuck in a room with a thousand TV sets, and they are all blaring infomercials, Jerry Springer, and Univision. Pretty soon you’d be shoving pens into your eyes and slamming your head into a wall just to take the edge off. I’m not going to go into how much this movie is a “classic” or even a “must-see.” Knowing the homeroom class of junior high school kids that is my reading audience; you’re more interested in the famous “head exploding” scene. Well, it’s nothing compared to today’s standards, but the man’s noggin pops like a watermelon in a Gallagher show. Where was I? Oh yeah, the actual synopsis of the movie. Anyway, Cameron is caught sending an uppity housewife into grand mal seizures and drug off to an abandoned warehouse run by No. 6 from the Prisoner. No. 6 is desperately trying to save his project (and more likely, his funding), which deals with people in Cameron’s unique position: Scanners. Apparently a rogue scanner, Darryl Revok (which is such a cool name), has been going ‘round bursting other scanners left and right like pustules on a 14-year old, including the aforementioned Mr. Head Explosion who was in No. 6’s employ. Cameron then goes undercover to find Revok and stop, hinder, or at least do something to him. The movie is pretty vague on this point, we know he’s supposed to at least FIND Revok, but beyond that it’s pretty nebulous. However, Revok is already in control of a high-ranking officer in Cameron’s company with designs to undermine it from the inside. And at this point is where the movie is more suspenseful than gory until the last 5 or so minutes. It’s a pretty interesting concept (which was inspired by William S. Burroughs’ writing) and for a movie that’s been made infamous for having a cranial explosion, there’s quite a bit of social commentary in it (particularly about the Cold War, the science’s co-opting by the military, and “Thalidomide children.”) Of personal note, this is one of a couple movies that I keep having reoccurring dreams about (another one is The Omega Man, in case you’re curious), and while one would think being a scanner would be cool, the dreams never end pretty. And out of curiosity, could someone explain to me what it is with Michael Ironside and being put through the physical ringer in every movie? It seems like every single movie I’ve seen him in his character ends up getting mutilated or otherwise caught in the gears of a Ferris wheel. Masochism fetish much, you splotchy fellow?

Line of the movie: “I’m gonna suck your brain dry!” Darryl Revok and boy is he cheesed.

Four stars. How you like me now?