"Vampire Seduction" (1998)

[Editor's note: I'm putting up three of these today, so brace yourselves.]

Starring: Tina Krause, Paige Turner, Kiki Michaels, Dawn Monaco, John Paul Freddie; and of course: Daisy, Janie, and Jenna.

First, the Lowdown: It’s a softcore that tries to borrow from an already tired lesbian vampire genre.

After the fall of Count Dracula some 100-odd years ago, his daughter (see the Brides Of Dracula for more information) has come to New Jersey seeking blood (what else is there to do in Jersey anyway?) Coincidentally, the descendant of Dr. Abraham Van Helsing (who apparently was a pretty hip cat for the turn of the century) is also in the Garden State. However, unlike with Dracula’s progeny (who is sporting pretty un-vampire-like tan lines), the passing century has not been kind to the Van Helsing line. Years of genetic dilution (or more likely, inbreeding) have reduced the once-mighty clan to an embarrassing Jerry Lewis-like consistency. The latest in the line, Wally (a name that is only funny when stoned), is a loser even by Dustin Hoffman standards. Lacking in physical, social, and hygienic skills, Wally is summoned by the aforementioned daughter of Dracula, “Dracoola.” She has a weird accent that implies a Slavic language, but in reality makes her sound like a frustrated Mexican whore. For some insane reason, she has implored Wallace to “bring me Lezbyones.” Obviously, he never heard of the personals, so Wally heads to the most unlikely location to fine same-sex activity: low-income housing. (And as anyone who has lived in section 8 housing can tell you, most low-income tenants are too busy trying to beat their kids and forge welfare checks to have sex of ANY kind.) From here on out it’s softcore business as usual: out of work strippers and/or friends of the filmmakers taking their clothes off under ridiculous pretenses (even by pornography standards.) (This includes a slumber party sequence which can only be described as “mostly legal.”) For all you filthy perverts out there who only watch esoteric cinema for the sex, there’s not much of it here. Plenty of nudity and fondling, but no more than could be found at a typical sorority party (or at your local strip club for that matter.) As someone who has had the privilege to watch two actual lesbians engage in sexual congress, it looks nothing like this. After the movie is a 45-minute “short” called Misty’s Secret; which manages to be both stupid and disturbing at the same time in some points. The first half of the movie is nothing more than a sequence where one woman compulsively washes herself in the tub whilst giving longing looks at her roommate. I don’t know about you, but the demented habits of the neurotic aren’t really that enticing to me. We flash to a sequence involving a redhead stripping and “masturbating” for her voyeur neighbor; even though we never see whether there is an actual building facing the window she is performing in front of. Next, we find out that our two roomies are really vacationing in Paris, even though they found the most squalid and unrecognizable parts of the town to film in (or maybe it’s really Montreal pretending it’s Paris?) Anyway apparently Misty’s secret involves some kinda stalker guy, but after watching someone wash herself for the ninth consecutive time, I decided the film was more fun in fast motion.

Line of the movie: “Put down that teddy bear and come here.” Quoth the lusty homemaker in the “mostly legal” scene.

Two stars. Thank you, drive thru.